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    Pressing All The Wrong Buttons

    | Colorado Springs, CO, USA |

    Me: “Thank you for calling [call center]. How can I help you?”

    Customer: “Hi. I need to know what program is on what channel.”

    Me: “The easiest way to find it would be to use the search from your menu.”

    Customer: “What do you mean?”

    Me: “Well, press your menu button. Do you see the search option?”

    Customer: “Yes.”

    Me: “Press ‘OK’ on search, and type in the show you are looking for.”

    Customer: “Well, can’t you do that for me?”

    Me: “No, sir. I have no way to push the button over the phone for you.”

    Customer: “Well, I pay you guys enough money that you should press it for me!”

    Me: “Unfortunately, sir, we don’t have the capability to reach through the phone and press the button for you.”

    Customer: “Why not?”

    Deal With The Burning Issue First, Part 2

    | Glasgow, UK |

    (I work at directory inquiries.)

    Me: “Which name, please?”

    Caller: “I’d like the number for the local fire station.”

    Me: “Searching for you now.”

    Caller: “Can you hurry up? My kitchen’s on fire.”

    Me: “Sir, hang up right now and then dial emergency services!”

    Caller: “Hold on.” *he’s away for over a minute* “Right, I’ve got a pen and paper now. What was the number?”

    Deal With The Burning Issue First

    Don’t Be A Data Hater, Part 2

    | Adelaide, SA, Australia |

    Me: “Hi, it’s James from [internet company]. Do you have a few moments to discuss a few of our products?”

    Customer: “I’ll never go with [internet company].”

    Me: ” I’m sorry to hear that. May I ask why?”

    Customer: “Someone I hate works for you.”

    Me: ” Well, depending on who they are, they may have nothing to do with your service.”

    Customer: “I don’t care how they’re involved. I hate them!”

    Don’t Be A Data Hater

    You’ve Got The Wrong(est) Number, Part 4

    | Texas, USA | Rude & Risque, Top

    Me: “Thank you for calling customer care. This is [My Name]. How may I help you?”

    Customer: “F*** you.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, sir?

    Customer: “You heard me. F*** you. F*** you and your stupid f***ing g**d**** company. You are all a bunch of pieces of s***, and I hope you rot in h***.”

    Me: “Sir, I’m sorry you feel that way. Now, if you continue to talk like that, I will have to disconnect this call. However, I don’t want to do that. Is there anything I can help you with?”

    Customer: “Yeah. You can give me back my g**d**** money.”

    Me: “Okay, sir. Let me look up your account. What’s your first and last name?”

    Customer: “My name is ‘Give Me My Money.’”

    Me: “Sir, I am trying to process the refund for you. However, without your name, I cannot locate your account. Now, what’s your first and last name?”

    Customer: “It’s [Name]. You guys are nothing but a bunch of thieves and scammers. Does it feel good that you know that you’re going to h***?”

    Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but please do not speak to me in such a way. The next time I will disconnect the call.”

    (I check for his name.)

    Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but I was not able to locate your account.”

    Customer: “What? That’s f***ing bulls***! You better give me my g**d**** money back right f***ing now, or I swear to God I’m gonna f***ing bomb you and your family!”

    Me: “Now, sir, threats like that can be taken to authorities as all these calls are recorded. What system did you use?”

    Customer: “I’m not going to tell you that. That’s stupid. You know my name, so you should see what I have purchased.”

    Me: “Sir, I apologize I was not able to find your name. However, we have multiple products with multiple prices. If you can give me the product name, I can locate the account’s history and see if there is a transaction under your name.”

    Customer: “It’s the [Product].”

    Me: “Sir, we don’t have a product with that name.”

    Customer: “What the f*** do you mean that you don’t have a product with that name?! I knew it was a f***ing scam! I’m out $700 dollars now. F*** you and your f***ing company! Kiss my a**!”

    Me: “Sir, we don’t have anything priced like that either. What company are you calling?”

    Customer: [Company].

    Me: “Sir, that’s not our company. Our company name is [Our Company].”

    Customer: “Bulls***!” *pauses* “Oh, whoops. I do have the wrong number. Sorry about that. You have a nice day.”

    You Got The Wrong(est) Number, Part 3
    You Got The Wrong(est) Number, Part 2
    You Got The Wrong(est) Number

    Impractical Jokes

    , | Muskegon, MI, USA | Top

    Me: “911, how can I help you?”

    Caller: “Yes?! Hello! I live at [location]. My husband was stabbed by a madman! Oh, god! He’s outside my bedroom door! He’s knocking on it!”

    Me: “Alright, ma’am, a police–”

    Caller: “What?!”

    (Suddenly, there is a lot of talking and a bit of laughing.)

    Caller, to someone else: “You ****! You scared the **** out of me! A prank?! I called the **** police! I could have gone to jail!”

    Caller, to me: “I’m sorry, ma’am. It’s a false alarm.”

    Me: “Um, alright.”

    Caller: “Actually, send over a cop car. I’m about to murder two men.”

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