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    Now I (Don’t) Know My ABCs

    | Oregon, USA |

    Me: “I just need you to type in ‘Http’.”

    Caller:“Hptp?”

    Me: “H like hotel, t like tom, t like tom, p like papa.”

    Caller: “Htcp?”

    Me: “Almost. H like hotel, T like Tom, T like Tom, P like Papa.”

    Caller: “Chtc?”

    Me: “Our connection must be rough.” *very slowly* “H like hoooteeel, T like Tommm, T like Tommm, P like Paaapaaa.”

    Caller: “Oh! Ghtc!”

    Me: “Let me send you a link.”

    You Got The Wrongest Email

    | Upstate, NY, USA |

    Caller: “I’d like to get more information about [program].”

    Me: “I’d be glad to help you with that, sir. Actually, we sent an email to you earlier in the week about it.”

    Caller: “Really? I didn’t see it. Maybe it’s in my spam folder.”

    (He checks his spam folder.)

    Caller: “Well, I don’t see your email. There’s something about how male-enhancement drugs can improve my bedroom performance. That’s not from you guys, is it?”

    Related:
    You Got The Wrong(est) Item, Part 4
    You Got The Wrong(est) Item, Part 3
    You Got The Wrong(est) Item, Part 2
    You Got The Wrong(est) Number, Part 3
    You Got The Wrong(est) Item
    You Got The Wrong(est) Number, Part 2
    You Got The Wrong(est) Number

    The Phone Is Suffering From ‘The Situation’

    | Colorado Springs, CO, USA |

    Me: “Thank you for calling [company name] tech support. How can I help you today?”

    Caller: *thick inner city accent* “Yeah. Phone don’t work. It’s all like ‘WHAAAAAAT’, and needs to be like ‘YAAYUUUUHHH’.

    Me: “What exactly is not working, sir?”

    Caller: “My phone.”

    Me: “I understand your phone is having issues. What exactly is it doing?”

    Caller: *slowly and deliberately* It’s all like ‘WHAAAAAAT’, and needs to be like ‘YAAYUUUUHHH’.

    Me: “How about we just exchange the phone?”

    Playing Unfair With The Fairer Sex

    | Norway | Top

    (I provide internet support over the phone. I am the only qualified technician working today. I also happen to be female.)

    Me: “Welcome to [company name] internet support. My name is [name]. How can I help you?”

    Customer: “Oh, hello sweetheart. I didn’t realize I’d reached the reception. Would you please connect me to internet support?”

    Me: “This is internet support. What can I do for you?”

    Customer: “I want help with a technical problem. I can’t talk to you. I want to talk to a man!”

    Me: “Sir, I can assure you that I’ll be able to help you with your technical problem. I am the qualified technician here today.”

    Customer: “You are a girl! You have no clue how to help me! This is man stuff. I demand to speak with a man!”

    (This continues for ten minutes. The customer gets more and more aggravated, and starts yelling nasty comments. I give up, and connect him to my coworker, who sits next to me. My coworker is male.)

    Coworker: “Welcome to [company name] internet support. My name is [name]. How can I help you?”

    Customer: “Finally, a man! My internet is so unstable these days; I can’t seem to stay on it! It takes forever to load and the speed is horrible!”

    Coworker: “Sir, I see the problem, and I’m sending a report. It will be fixed on Monday.”

    Customer: “What? It’s Saturday! Why do you have to wait until Monday? I want it fixed now!”

    Coworker: “Well, we would need a qualified technician to log into the system to fix your line. It’s Saturday, so there is only one qualified technician working.”

    Customer: “Get him to fix it now! I demand to speak with him!”

    Coworker: “Sir, you have already spoken to her.”

    Customer: “Wait. Her?”

    Coworker: “Yes. You spoke to our only qualified technician earlier today. You yelled profanities at her, and demanded to speak to a man.”

    Customer: “So, I’ll be lucky if my internet is up again on Monday?”

    Coworker: “You’ll be lucky if you have internet at all.”

    Massive Fan But Sadly Not A Breeze

    | London, UK | Money

    (Customer calls to order some Justin Bieber-printed merchandise. We get to the checkout phase.)

    Me: “Right, that’s [price].”

    Caller: “I’m a massive fan. Can I get a fan discount?”

    Me: “Pardon?”

    Caller: “I’m a member of the fan club. I should get discount for that or something!”

    Me: “I’m sorry, madam, but we aren’t able to give that kind of discount.”

    Caller: “This is appalling. You should give his fans money off! We deserve it! His fans shouldn’t have to pay as much for his products!”

    Me: “Madam, I doubt anyone who wasn’t a fan would be buying these anyway. So, technically, you are getting the fan price.”

    *silence*

    Caller: “Screw this. I’ll do it online!”

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