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    What The 7734 Is Going On

    | Utah, USA |

    Customer: “I need the status of a package.”

    Me: “Okay. May I have the tracking number?”

    Customer: “My tracking number is 1E8L00L25–”

    Me: “I’m sorry, sir, are you sure that’s one of our tracking numbers? Generally, our numbers won’t have any letters in the middle.”

    Customer: “Yes, I’m sure those are the numbers.”

    Me: “Are you sure this package wasn’t sent with another service?”

    Customer: “Yes, I’m absolutely positive that I sent it with you! It’s the right number, unless–”

    (He pauses for a moment as he tries to figure out what’s going on.)

    Customer: “Oh. I’m looking at it upside down. It’s 257007831.”

    The Identity Thief’s Dream Caller

    | Tampa Bay, FL, USA |

    Me: “Thank you for calling [bank]. May I please have your card number?”

    Caller: “No.”

    Me: “I can help look up your account if you don’t have your card with you. May I please have your phone number on file?”

    Caller: “I’m not giving you that. You will steal my information.”

    Me: “I assure you, ma’am, we keep our security procedures to ensure that your information remains safe. Can I look you up by your name?”

    Caller: “I’m not giving you my name or my phone number. You’re going to use it to steal my information. I just want to know what my balance is.”

    Me: “Without your card number or another way to look you up, I’m unable to provide your balance information.”

    Caller: “Can’t you just look me up by my social?”

    Through Joy And Sorrow, Sickness And Health Insurance

    | Madison, WI, USA |

    (I work for a call center for the state’s health insurance.)

    Me: “Thank you for calling. How may I help you?”

    Member: “Hi, I’m calling to make sure my husband’s heath insurance is active.”

    Me: “Okay, do you have his ID number or social?”

    Member: “Well, no. I’m not sure where his card is and I don’t know his social by heart.”

    Me: “Well, is he there with you? I could get it from him.”

    Member: “He is, but he can’t really talk right now. He’s having a heart attack.”

    Me: “Ma’am, you need to call 911 right now, not us.”

    Member: “I will. I just want to make sure he’ll be covered when they take him to the hospital!”

    Outcome TV Determined

    | Broken Arrow, OK, USA |

    (A customer calls in to order a movie from an ad that was just on television.)

    Customer: “I want the [name of movie].”

    Me: “Okay, do you want it on DVD or VHS?”

    Customer: “What’s a DVD?”

    Me: “Okay, I’ll send it to you on VHS.”

    Customer: “What’s a VHS?”

    Me: “A video tape.”

    Customer: “A video tape? What the heck is that?”

    Me: “The tape you put in your VCR to make the movie come on.”

    Customer: “VCR?”

    Me: “Is there a box on your TV?”

    Customer: “What’s a TV?”

    Me: “Your television, the thing you just watched and saw this ad on.”

    Customer: “Please just give me the show. You’re making this very confusing.”

    Me: “I need to know what format to send it to you.”

    Customer: “I don’t know what you’re talking about! My son makes the pictures come on.”

    For Spanish Press 2, For Telepaths Press 3

    | Chicago, IL, USA |

    Me: “Thank you for calling [company]. May I have your account number?”

    Caller: “You may.”

    *pause*

    Me: “Sir?”

    Caller: “Oh, did you need me read it aloud to you?”

    Me: “Yes, please.”

    Caller: “It is [account number].”

    Me: “Thank you. And for security, could I ask you to confirm the mailing address on the account?”

    Caller: “Yep.”

    *pause again*

    Caller: “Oh, did you mean I have to read that too?”

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