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  • Her Heart’s Really In It

    | UT, USA |

    (This very old lady is calling. She calls every so often and always sounds like she’s ill.)

    Me: “Thank you for calling customer support. How may I be of assistance to you?”

    Customer: “I am highly upset right now!” *coughs and wheezes* “You people are always messing up my orders! I am a high paying customer who needs to have their order now. I can’t get into my account.”

    Me: “Alright. Have you tried logging in?”

    (The line goes silent. I can hear her clicking her computer.)

    Customer: “Oh, I feel so ashamed. I can die right now.”

    Me: “That’s okay, ma’am. I’m just glad you were able to get in. Is there anything I can do for you?”

    Customer: *coughs* “My chest hurts.”

    Me: “Excuse me?”

    Customer: “I think I’m having a heart attack from all of the shame!”

    Me: “Ma’am, you should call the doctors right away!”

    (I hear a noise.)

    Customer: *coughing and laughing* “Never mind. It was just gas.”

    Me: “Well, I’m glad you’re alright, ma’am.”

    Customer: “Me too. But I don’t think that my dress is.”

    Pressing All The Wrong Buttons, Part 2

    , | Central Oklahoma, OK, USA |

    Me: “Thank you for calling [bank] credit card services. Can I have your name, please?”

    Caller: “You need to turn my d*** speakerphone on before I can talk, so I can hear you across the room!”

    Me: “I’m sorry, sir, I can’t turn your speakerphone on for you. You have to do that yourself.”

    Caller: “All the other f***ing banks can turn it on for me! What do you mean you can’t?!”

    Me: “Sir, nobody has the ability to turn on your speakerphone for you, except for you.”

    Caller: “Well, why the h*** not?!”

    Me: “Sir, I can’t reach through the phone and push the speakerphone button for you. It’s physically impossible. You have to do it yourself.”

    Caller: “What the h*** do you mean you won’t push the button for me?! Are you saying you’re not going to come push my buttons?! Where the h*** are you located?!

    Me: “Central Oklahoma, sir. You have to push your own buttons.”

    *long silence*

    Me: “Anything else I can help you with, sir?”

    Caller: “You’re too far to push my buttons anyways.” *hangs up*

    Pressing All The Wrong Buttons

    Has Too Much Four-sight

    | Location Undisclosed |

    Me: “Thank you for calling [pet microchip database company]. How can I help you?”

    Caller: “Yes, I already have a microchip registered with your company, but our dog received another chip. We were hoping we could link them so we can avoid additional charges.”

    Me: “I can fix that. What’s the old and new chip numbers?”

    (The customer reads off both numbers, but one doesn’t sound right.)

    Me: “Sir, what are you reading that number from?”

    Caller: “It’s on the dog tag they gave us today.”

    Me: “You see, that number doesn’t sound like one of our chips. Give me just a second.”

    (I talk to someone in another department, who thinks the number the customer gave starting with an F should instead start with a 4. I change the number, and the number clears as a new, non-registered chip.)

    Me: “Okay. We took another look at the number, and we think the tag has a misprint. If we’re not mistaken, that number should start with a 4, not an F.”

    Caller: “I totally read that 4 as an F.”

    Customer’s wife, faintly over the line: “That’s what I told you!”

    Me: “That’s alright. We’ve already taken care of linking the two chips. Either one will work to identify your dog. Is there anything else I can help you with today?”

    Caller: “Do you have a number for a speech therapist? Or a kindergarten teacher?”

    It’s Time To Stamp Out Stupidity

    | Terre Haute, IN, USA |

    Me: “May I have your address, please?”

    Caller: “I don’t need to know my address. The postman knows where I live.”

    Pressing All The Wrong Buttons

    | Colorado Springs, CO, USA |

    Me: “Thank you for calling [call center]. How can I help you?”

    Customer: “Hi. I need to know what program is on what channel.”

    Me: “The easiest way to find it would be to use the search from your menu.”

    Customer: “What do you mean?”

    Me: “Well, press your menu button. Do you see the search option?”

    Customer: “Yes.”

    Me: “Press ‘OK’ on search, and type in the show you are looking for.”

    Customer: “Well, can’t you do that for me?”

    Me: “No, sir. I have no way to push the button over the phone for you.”

    Customer: “Well, I pay you guys enough money that you should press it for me!”

    Me: “Unfortunately, sir, we don’t have the capability to reach through the phone and press the button for you.”

    Customer: “Why not?”

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