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    The Pen Is Mightier Than The Brain

    | Los Angeles, CA, USA | Technology

    Me: “I’m about to give you your account number. Do you have a pen handy?”

    Caller: “What’s a pen-handy?”

    Very Low Key Driver

    | Norway, Europe | Extra Stupid

    Caller: “Hi, I need help to open my car. The beeper doesn’t work.”

    Me: “Okay, have you tried to see if the keys work?”

    Caller: “What do you mean?”

    Me: “The car keys. They’re attached to the beeper.”

    Caller: “Uh… how do I use them?”

    Me: “Just like you would unlock anything that’s closed.”

    Caller: “I don’t understand. I need to open the door to my car. How do I use keys to do that?”

    Me: “You uh… put the key in the keyhole, turn it around and open the door.”

    Caller: *pause* “Oh! Do you mean like the same way you
    open the door to a house?”

    Me: “Yes, it’s quite similar to that.”

    Caller: *very enthusiastic* “Wow, okay! I’ll try that! If that doesn’t work, I’ll call right back!”

    When You Don’t Want A Quick Service

    | United Kingdom | Spouses & Partners

    Customer: “I’d like to take my wife’s name off the account. She’s leaving me.”

    Me: “I’m sorry to here that. It looks like your wife has already called us to do that. Is there anything else I can help you with?”

    Customer: “Oh no, it’s just all so quick. She only told me on Wednesday night and now she’s gone.”

    (I check the account history and see she called us early on Tuesday. I thought it best not to tell the customer.)

    Wireless, Clueless, Hopeless, Part 6

    | San Jose, CA, USA | Technology

    Caller: “I called to let you know the power is out so you may see alerts.”

    Me: “Thank you. I will notify the team. Is there anything else I can assist you with?”

    Caller: “Yes. I can’t connect to the internet on my laptop. I can’t find the wireless.”

    Me: “Sir, the power is out, so the internet is also down.”

    Customer: “Yes, but my laptop still has batteries.”

    Related:
    Wireless Clueless & Hopeless, Part 5
    Wireless Clueless & Hopeless, Part 4
    Wireless Clueless & Hopeless, Part 3
    Wireless Clueless & Hopeless, Part 2
    Wireless Clueless & Hopeless

    Getting Landlines Tangled

    | Ireland | Liars & Scammers

    (I call the customer.)

    Customer: “Hello?”

    Me: “Hello, this is [me], may I please speak to [customer]?”

    Customer: “Yes, speaking.”

    Me: “I am calling from [company name]. There is a slight issue with your account. Do you have a moment to discuss this issue now?”

    *long pause*

    Customer: “Hello? Hello?! Sorry, I have terrible reception here.”

    Me: “Sir, I am speaking to you on your home phone.”

    Customer: “What?!” *hangs up*


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