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    It’s The End Of The World (As We Stole It)

    | Upstate New York, USA | Religion

    (I work for a telecommunications company doing tech support. It’s 5/20/11, the day before the supposed Rapture, and I am scheduling a work order.)

    Me: “Now, sir, I have appointments open for the 21st. Would that work at all?”

    Caller: “Well, yes, we should be around, unless we get Raptured. In that case, we might want to cancel it. Or, if we don’t, we might not want to cancel it. Not sure which one is the bigger problem.”

    Me: “Sir, I do assure you we are well prepared for either eventuality–return of Christ or not. Now, barring Rapture, I have a 1 – 3 pm and 3 – 5 pm. Which would you’d prefer?”

    Caller: “1 – 3 pm. If we don’t get Raptured, we want time for looting.”

    Her Heart’s Really In It

    | UT, USA |

    (This very old lady is calling. She calls every so often and always sounds like she’s ill.)

    Me: “Thank you for calling customer support. How may I be of assistance to you?”

    Customer: “I am highly upset right now!” *coughs and wheezes* “You people are always messing up my orders! I am a high paying customer who needs to have their order now. I can’t get into my account.”

    Me: “Alright. Have you tried logging in?”

    (The line goes silent. I can hear her clicking her computer.)

    Customer: “Oh, I feel so ashamed. I can die right now.”

    Me: “That’s okay, ma’am. I’m just glad you were able to get in. Is there anything I can do for you?”

    Customer: *coughs* “My chest hurts.”

    Me: “Excuse me?”

    Customer: “I think I’m having a heart attack from all of the shame!”

    Me: “Ma’am, you should call the doctors right away!”

    (I hear a noise.)

    Customer: *coughing and laughing* “Never mind. It was just gas.”

    Me: “Well, I’m glad you’re alright, ma’am.”

    Customer: “Me too. But I don’t think that my dress is.”

    Pressing All The Wrong Buttons, Part 2

    , | Central Oklahoma, OK, USA |

    Me: “Thank you for calling [bank] credit card services. Can I have your name, please?”

    Caller: “You need to turn my d*** speakerphone on before I can talk, so I can hear you across the room!”

    Me: “I’m sorry, sir, I can’t turn your speakerphone on for you. You have to do that yourself.”

    Caller: “All the other f***ing banks can turn it on for me! What do you mean you can’t?!”

    Me: “Sir, nobody has the ability to turn on your speakerphone for you, except for you.”

    Caller: “Well, why the h*** not?!”

    Me: “Sir, I can’t reach through the phone and push the speakerphone button for you. It’s physically impossible. You have to do it yourself.”

    Caller: “What the h*** do you mean you won’t push the button for me?! Are you saying you’re not going to come push my buttons?! Where the h*** are you located?!

    Me: “Central Oklahoma, sir. You have to push your own buttons.”

    *long silence*

    Me: “Anything else I can help you with, sir?”

    Caller: “You’re too far to push my buttons anyways.” *hangs up*

    Related:
    Pressing All The Wrong Buttons

    Has Too Much Four-sight

    | Location Undisclosed |

    Me: “Thank you for calling [pet microchip database company]. How can I help you?”

    Caller: “Yes, I already have a microchip registered with your company, but our dog received another chip. We were hoping we could link them so we can avoid additional charges.”

    Me: “I can fix that. What’s the old and new chip numbers?”

    (The customer reads off both numbers, but one doesn’t sound right.)

    Me: “Sir, what are you reading that number from?”

    Caller: “It’s on the dog tag they gave us today.”

    Me: “You see, that number doesn’t sound like one of our chips. Give me just a second.”

    (I talk to someone in another department, who thinks the number the customer gave starting with an F should instead start with a 4. I change the number, and the number clears as a new, non-registered chip.)

    Me: “Okay. We took another look at the number, and we think the tag has a misprint. If we’re not mistaken, that number should start with a 4, not an F.”

    Caller: “I totally read that 4 as an F.”

    Customer’s wife, faintly over the line: “That’s what I told you!”

    Me: “That’s alright. We’ve already taken care of linking the two chips. Either one will work to identify your dog. Is there anything else I can help you with today?”

    Caller: “Do you have a number for a speech therapist? Or a kindergarten teacher?”

    It’s Time To Stamp Out Stupidity

    | Terre Haute, IN, USA |

    Me: “May I have your address, please?”

    Caller: “I don’t need to know my address. The postman knows where I live.”

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