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    How To Make Them As Silent As A Mouse

    , | Allentown, PA, USA | Technology, Top

    (I work engineering support late in the evening.)

    Me: “Pennsylvania Support Center. How may I help you?”

    Caller: “The cleaning crew just came through my office, and now my mouse doesn’t work. The cursor just jumps all over the screen randomly when I move it. They broke my mouse. I need a new one.”

    Me: “You have a SPARCstation with an optical mouse, correct?”

    Caller: “Yes, with the cool glass mouse-pad.”

    (Old-school optical mice used to require special reflective mouse-pads with grids etched into their surfaces. To increase tracking resolution, the vertical and horizontal grids had slightly different spacing.)

    Me: “Did the cleaning crew wipe down your desk?”

    Caller: “Yes.”

    Me: “Did they move your mouse-pad?”

    Caller: “What does that have to do with anything?”

    Me: “Did your mouse-pad get rotated? Is the long edge of the mouse-pad now parallel to the edge of your desk?”

    Caller: “I really don’t see why that’s relevant. I just want a new mouse!”

    Me: “The orientation of the mouse-pad matters. The–”

    (The caller cuts me off and starts to yell. I realize that I can actually hear his voice coming from down the hall.)

    Caller: “Listen! Just open a ticket and have someone bring me a new mouse. I don’t have time for this. I design chips, so I know what I’m talking about. I probably designed the chip in the phone you’re stuck answering all day!”

    (I take off my headset, walk down the hall, and walk into his office up to his desk.)

    Caller: “…so don’t try to bulls*** me with, oh. Hold on, someone is in my office.”

    (I reach down, and rotate his mouse-pad 90 degrees. I move the mouse, and the cursor happily moves around the screen as expected. I walk out of his office, back down the hall, sit down at my desk, and put my headset back on.)

    Caller: *silence*

    Me: “Thank you for calling Pennsylvania Support Center. I trust I have resolved your case.”

    Caller: *silence*

    Me: “You will be receiving your ticket number via email. Thank you.”

    Caller: *click*

    Please Do Not Press The Beeping Button

    | Machesney Park, IL, USA |

    (I’m conducting a customer satisfaction survey over the phone.)

    Me: “Using a scale from 1 to 10, how would you rate your cable service?”

    (I hear a ‘beep’.)

    Me: “I need to you actually say the number, not dial it on your phone.”

    Customer: “Isn’t this automated?”

    Me: “Well, I’m not a machine. Could you please say what number you would rate your cable service?”

    Customer: “8.”

    Me: “Great! And using the same scale, how would you rate your internet service?”

    *beep*

    Me: “I still need you to say the number.”

    Customer: “Sorry, I got confused. 8.”

    Me: “Okay, and how would you rate your phone service?”

    *beep*

    (This went on for all thirty questions.)

    Ink Isn’t The Only Thing Running Low

    , | Location undisclosed |

    Customer: “Whenever I try to print my statement from your website, it always comes out really light. I don’t have this problem with other websites. Are you guys out of ink?”

    Me: “No. Are you using your home computer?”

    Customer: “Yes. I already called the ink cartridge company. They said it’s not their fault.”

    Me: “Well, if you’re trying to print at home, it’s a problem with your home computer. Our printers are working just fine.”

    Customer: “So, you’re not out of ink?”

    Me: “No. Maybe you should have someone look at your computer’s settings.”

    Customer: “Should I call the ink cartridge company again?”

    Me: “I don’t think that will fix it.”

    Customer: “Okay. I’ll call the ink cartridge company again. Thanks! Bye!”

    You’re Watching The Braille Channel

    | Preston, Lancashire, UK |

    Me: “What seems to be the problem, sir?”

    Customer: “The problem is you sent me a blind person’s television!”

    Me: “Pardon me, sir?”

    Customer: “You heard me! A television you sell to blind people!”

    Me: “I am sorry, nothing like that exists. Are you sure the TV is not just faulty?”

    Customer: “I don’t care what’s wrong with it! All I know is I am not blind!”

    Now I (Don’t) Know My ABCs

    | Oregon, USA |

    Me: “I just need you to type in ‘Http’.”

    Caller:“Hptp?”

    Me: “H like hotel, t like tom, t like tom, p like papa.”

    Caller: “Htcp?”

    Me: “Almost. H like hotel, T like Tom, T like Tom, P like Papa.”

    Caller: “Chtc?”

    Me: “Our connection must be rough.” *very slowly* “H like hoooteeel, T like Tommm, T like Tommm, P like Paaapaaa.”

    Caller: “Oh! Ghtc!”

    Me: “Let me send you a link.”

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