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    Honest Heisters

    | Dublin, Ireland | Criminal/Illegal

    Me: “Hi. We are calling from [company]. Would you have some time to take part in a survey about Ireland?”

    Customer: “No, I can’t take part. I’m just a burglar here.”

    Me: “Oh, okay…we will try again some time.”

    An I For An Eye

    | Portland, OR, USA | Extra Stupid

    Me: “What’s your name, ma’am?”

    Caller: “Miriam.”

    Me: “‘M’ as in Mary, ‘I’ as in India–”

    Caller: “No! ‘I’ as in the eye in your face!”

    So Much Irony That It’s Unheard Of

    | East Midlands, UK |

    Me: “What was the name of the company you worked for?”

    Caller: “Sorry?”

    Me: “What was the name of the company you worked for?”

    Caller: “Did you ask for the name of the company I worked for?”

    Me: “Yes.”

    Caller: “They were called ‘The Listening Company’.”

    Your Solution May Go Up In Smoke

    | Hampshire, UK |

    Me: “Hello, how can I help?”

    Caller: “I think I have a gas leak. I’ve been trying to find it with a lighter, but no success yet. Could you send somebody out?”

    Me: “Sorry, what? You’re trying to find it with a lighter?”

    Caller: “Yes, I thought it would help.”

    Me: “It absolutely won’t! Do not use it! Turn off all your appliances and call [emergency gas service number].”

    Caller: “Oh, okay…I was only trying to help!”

    Internet Disaster Preparedness

    , | England, UK | Technology

    (Line activations for Internet service can take up until midnight of the activation date. I am explaining this to the customer and helping him get the software installed on his PC in the meantime.)

    Customer: “So, what kind of things can go wrong?”

    Me: “Well, a number of things. Most of them are relatively simple to sort out and we should be able to talk it through.”

    Customer: “If it doesn’t work after midnight, if something goes wrong, what would I need to do?”

    Me: “Okay, well, we’re open 24 hours, so even if its one minute past midnight, give us a call back and we can do some troubleshooting.”

    Customer: “Send out an engineer. I don’t want some f***ing technically untrained idiot in call center messing around. I want an actual technician sent out.”

    Me: “I assure you, our call center staff are the first line of troubleshooting and can resolve the problem over the phone most of the time.”

    Customer: “Just send me out a f***ing engineer now. I know someone in a call centre wont be able to resolve my fault.”

    Me: “So, what exactly is the problem?”

    Customer: “I don’t know. It hasn’t happened yet!”

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