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  • The Identity Thief’s Dream Caller

    | Tampa Bay, FL, USA |

    Me: “Thank you for calling [bank]. May I please have your card number?”

    Caller: “No.”

    Me: “I can help look up your account if you don’t have your card with you. May I please have your phone number on file?”

    Caller: “I’m not giving you that. You will steal my information.”

    Me: “I assure you, ma’am, we keep our security procedures to ensure that your information remains safe. Can I look you up by your name?”

    Caller: “I’m not giving you my name or my phone number. You’re going to use it to steal my information. I just want to know what my balance is.”

    Me: “Without your card number or another way to look you up, I’m unable to provide your balance information.”

    Caller: “Can’t you just look me up by my social?”

    Through Joy And Sorrow, Sickness And Health Insurance

    | Madison, WI, USA |

    (I work for a call center for the state’s health insurance.)

    Me: “Thank you for calling. How may I help you?”

    Member: “Hi, I’m calling to make sure my husband’s heath insurance is active.”

    Me: “Okay, do you have his ID number or social?”

    Member: “Well, no. I’m not sure where his card is and I don’t know his social by heart.”

    Me: “Well, is he there with you? I could get it from him.”

    Member: “He is, but he can’t really talk right now. He’s having a heart attack.”

    Me: “Ma’am, you need to call 911 right now, not us.”

    Member: “I will. I just want to make sure he’ll be covered when they take him to the hospital!”

    Outcome TV Determined

    | Broken Arrow, OK, USA |

    (A customer calls in to order a movie from an ad that was just on television.)

    Customer: “I want the [name of movie].”

    Me: “Okay, do you want it on DVD or VHS?”

    Customer: “What’s a DVD?”

    Me: “Okay, I’ll send it to you on VHS.”

    Customer: “What’s a VHS?”

    Me: “A video tape.”

    Customer: “A video tape? What the heck is that?”

    Me: “The tape you put in your VCR to make the movie come on.”

    Customer: “VCR?”

    Me: “Is there a box on your TV?”

    Customer: “What’s a TV?”

    Me: “Your television, the thing you just watched and saw this ad on.”

    Customer: “Please just give me the show. You’re making this very confusing.”

    Me: “I need to know what format to send it to you.”

    Customer: “I don’t know what you’re talking about! My son makes the pictures come on.”

    For Spanish Press 2, For Telepaths Press 3

    | Chicago, IL, USA |

    Me: “Thank you for calling [company]. May I have your account number?”

    Caller: “You may.”

    *pause*

    Me: “Sir?”

    Caller: “Oh, did you need me read it aloud to you?”

    Me: “Yes, please.”

    Caller: “It is [account number].”

    Me: “Thank you. And for security, could I ask you to confirm the mailing address on the account?”

    Caller: “Yep.”

    *pause again*

    Caller: “Oh, did you mean I have to read that too?”

    Escort This One Away

    | Phoenix, AZ, USA |

    (A customer is claiming fraud on his CC for two charges from an adult escort service. He has his card, but I show the charges with the card present. He lives in California, and the charges are from Colorado. I call the merchant and can prove this isn’t fraud. The customer is trying to get out of paying his bill. There’s a charge from a Colorado towing service, then the escort charges.)

    Me: “Thank you for holding, sir. I am about to update the information. I just need to go over a few other things here before we can continue. I see a charge for a towing service for. Is that a valid charge you made?”

    Customer: “Yeah, that’s mine. That’s a valid charge.”

    Me: “Did you go to Colorado recently? And stay at the Golden Hotel, in room 222?”

    Customer: *realizing I’ve done my homework* “…yes.”

    Me: “Sir, I called the merchant. I asked them how they verify their transactions. They verified your name, address, phone number, and driver’s license. They have a copy of the license, an imprint of your card, and they verified what hotel you were staying at. Everything matches. This is not fraud. You’re going to have to dispute with the merchant.”

    Customer: “But, that’s not my charge. I don’t live in Colorado.”

    Me: “Sir, I have nothing that proves to me that this is fraud. Unless you have more information you’re not giving me, we can’t take this as fraud for services you received. Did you not receive any services?”

    Customer: “So, I have to call the merchant. Goodbye.” *click*

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