(Our medical device company has an 800 number that is one digit off from another company, which sells skin care products. We therefore get a lot of wrong numbers.)

Me: “Good morning, [medical devices company], how may I help you?”

Elderly Lady: “Hello? I need to order some cream. I have a terrible rash on my bottom.”

Me: “I’m sorry ma’am, but we are [medical devices company], not [skin care company]. I can give you their number.”

Elderly Lady: “But this rash is terrible! I live in Florida and the heat makes it worse!”

Me: “I’m sorry to hear that. If you want to write down the—”

Elderly Lady: “It’s very red and sore! I live alone, you know. My husband died a few years ago. I really need some cream!”

Me: “Yes, ma’am. But we don’t sell that. Their number is almost the same—”

Elderly Lady: “I have a cat. Do you like cats?”

Me: “Yes, ma’am. I do.”

Elderly Lady: “His name is Buster. He is old like me.”

(She seems lonely, so I decide to just talk to her for a while. I finally manage to give her the other number.)

Lady: “Thank you, sweetheart. You are a very nice young lady!” *hangs up*

(I work at a religious call center that takes prayer requests for the people who call in. It’s late on Sunday night.)

Caller: “Hi, I want prayer.”

Me: “Certainly, sir. What can I pray for you?”

Caller: “Are you wearing shoes?”

Me: “Yes, sir, I am wearing shoes. What can I pray for you?”

Caller: “Can you take your shoes off?”

Me: “No, sir, we have a dress code. I can’t take my shoes off. ”

Caller: “Are you wearing high heels?”

Me: “No, sir. What can I pray for you?”

Caller: “What shoes are you wearing?” *in rapid succession* “Sandals, sling backs, sneakers, flip flops—”

Me: “Sir, I can’t talk about my shoes with you.”

Caller: *click*

(We are a small office. If all of us are on the phone, and calls can take a long time to handle, the phone system encourages callers to leave a phone message so we can get back to them as quickly as possible.)

Caller: *answers phone message to us* “I am calling to complain! This is absolutely appalling service. You should answer the phone when I am trying to call you. If you’ve got someone on the line, why don’t you hang up on them if I want to call you? My call surely would be more important than theirs! I demand you hang up on whoever you are talking to at the moment and call me back immediately! My number is…”

(There is a long pause.)

Caller: “Oh, s***. I can’t remember my own number.”

(It’s been an unusually busy day, and my coworkers and I have been taking calls back to back for several hours.)

Me: “Thank you for calling [name of business]. This is [my name]; how can I help you?”

Caller: “Hi, [my name]!”

(I wait a few seconds for her to tell me what she needs, but she remains silent.)

Me: “Yes, how can I help you?”

Caller: “Hi, [my name]!”

Me: “Ma’am, is there something I can help you with?”

Caller: “Hi, [my name]!”

(I’m starting to think this is a prank call or the person is not all there.)

Me: “Well, if there’s nothing I can help you with, I’m going to have to—”

Caller: “It must take a lot of effort if you won’t even say ‘Hi’.”

Me: “…Hello?”

Caller: “Hi, [my name]!”

Me: “Hi.”

Caller: “It took way too much work for you to just say ‘Hi’ to me. I don’t want you to help me! Transfer me to someone else!”

(She had probably waited at least 10 minutes before reaching me, and would have to wait at least 10 more minutes to speak to someone else. She was fine with that!)

(I work on the Spanish-speaking line at a call center. After 3 minutes of conversation in Spanish with a caller…)

Caller: “Thanks for the help, but can I give you some constructive criticism?”

Me: “I welcome it.”

Caller: “Next time I call the Spanish line, I want to talk in Spanish. So, if you talk to me again, do it in Spanish!”

Me: “We’ve been talking in Spanish for four minutes.”

Caller: *in Spanish* “Don’t lie! I’m not speaking Spanish! You’re not speaking Spanish! Speak Spanish next time!”

Me: “Que le vaya bien.”