Me: “Sir, I’m afraid your SIM card has been destroyed due to entering your PUK code too many times. You will have to get a new one.”

Customer: “Ok, thanks.”

(Some moments pass and he hasn’t hung up. I put the phone on mute.)

Customer: “Stupid b**ch!” *miscellaneous other insults*

*mute off*

Me: “Uh, sir, you might want to disconnect the line, I’m still here.”

Customer: “OH F***!” *click*

(My friend worked in the phone service department of an undergarment company. One day he got a call from an unhappy woman. We’ll call him David.)

Customer: “Yes, I’m calling to see why my order hasn’t arrived yet.”

David: “Could you please give me some information about your order?”

(The customer then goes on to inform him that her gargantuan pair of panties designated by untold numbers of X’s have yet to arrive and she’s very upset.)

David: “Well you see ma’am, the cargo plane that your panties were on lost power and the pilot had to use them to parachute to safety.”

(The customer did not have a sense of humor. David was promptly fired. True Story.)

(Back story: We had a buy 2, get 1 free sale right after Christmas. The sign clearly said “lowest item free”.)

Customer: “Hi, I’d like to buy these…” *shows me two $2.99 games for the Gamecube* “…and get this one free.” *shows me a used copy of Halo 3 for $54.99*

Me: “I’d like a million dollars.”

Customer: “I’m serious!”

Me: “So am I, sir. I’m sorry, thats not how the buy 2 get 1 free works. You’d get one of the $2.99 games free.”

Customer: “THAT’S NOT WHAT THE SIGN SAYS! IT SAYS BUY 2 GET 1 FREE!”

(I take the sign off wall and reads it to customer.)

Me: “Buy 2 games get one free on all used games. Please note that the lowest priced item will be free.”

Customer: “That’s not what the sign says! I’m going to sue you for false advertising!”

Me: “Sir, I don’t believe you can sue me because you can’t read.”

(I work in a local government call centre and take calls from the residents about all kinds of things–including education.)

Customer: “Hi, I got your booklet about the school meals and it said I can get a grant for clothing.”

Me: “That would be the school uniform grant. Could I take yours and your child’s details? I can send you an application form.”

Customer: “I don’t have kids, can’t I have the money for myself? I’m on income support.”

Me: “The grant is for the school uniform sir, and it is only available for children.”

Customer: “So I can’t have the money for myself?”

Me: “Um…no.”

Customer: “For f**k’s sake!” *hangs up*

(I wasn’t sure if he wanted the money for normal clothes, or wanted to buy himself an actual school uniform.)

Related
If Only It Grew On Trees

(This is from a few years ago, when I worked tech support for a major satellite TV company.)

Me: “How may I help you?”

Customer: “Is your satellite down?”

Me: “No sir, the satellite is working properly.”

Customer: “Are you sure? Because I’m not getting ANYTHING on my TV.”

Me: “Well, let’s try and get this solved for you. What do you see on the screen?”

Customer: “It’s black.”

Me: “There’s nothing at all on the screen?”

Customer: “I told you, it’s completely black!”

Me: “Is…is there a message of any kind?”

Customer: “Yeah, it says ’searching for satellite signal’. That’s how I know your satellite is down. You need to connect me to a different one.”

Me: “Well sir, just in case it’s possibly something else and not the satellite, could you tell me who installed your equipment? Did you pay for an installer or did you do it yourself?”

Customer: “I did it myself! I’m not an idiot. I took the box out of the package and connected it to my TV and DVD player and stereo just fine. I know how to connect a few wires…”

Me: “Okay, maybe there’s something blocking the dish, like a tree or perhaps a neighbors house. Where did you mount the dish?”

Customer: “Dish? The bowl thing? It’s still in the box. Look, just connect me to your other satellite already!”

Me: …

Me: “Thank you for calling ***** Vision, how may I help you?”

Caller: “I need someone to come look at my TV.”

Me: “Sir, this is a vision insurance company, not television repair.”

Caller: “When can you send someone out?”

Me: “Sir, we cannot do that. We don’t repair TVs.”

Caller: “I WANNA SPEAK TO YOUR SUPERVISOR!”

Me: “He can’t help you either, sir.”

Caller: “F**K YOU! I SAY F**K YOU!” *click*

(Cell phone customer has been redirected to the call center for non-payment of his cell phone bill.)

Customer: “Turn on my phone or you can take it and shove it up your a**!!!”

Me: “I’m sorry sir. We don’t have service in that area.”

(I was doing rebates for cellphones at the time…)

Me: “Thank you for calling ****. How may I help you?”

Customer: “Okay, so I want my rebate.”

Me: “Alright, all I need from you is the cellphone number.”

Customer: “I don’t have one.”

Me: “…you don’t have a cellphone number?”

Customer: “No, but I want my rebate.”

Me: “So, you do know that in order to receive a rebate, you actually need to purchase a cellphone?”

Customer: “For **** sakes. You’re telling me that in order to get MY rebate, I need to go out, waste MY gas, and with MY money, buy a cellphone?”

Me: “Well, that would be the general idea of getting a reimbursement on something you had purchased.”

Customer: “But I just want the money back…”

Me: “Well, it’s not like this is free money.”

Customer: “…it’s not?”

Me: “No.”

(After about 20 seconds of silence, the customer hangs up.)

(I was working for a call center that exclusively dealt with UPS)

Me: “Thank you for calling, how may I help you?”

Client: “I need to track a package.”

Me: “I would be happy to help you with that. Do you have a tracking number?”.

Client: “Yes, I do…” *proceeds to read off the tracking number*

Me: “I’m sorry, however that’s not coming up as a valid tracking number…there doesn’t appear to be enough numbers. Could you read it to me again?”

(The client gives me the number again, to no avail. I spend the next few minutes attempting to use what information was available to try and locate the package…with the client coming close to tears when I am unsuccessful. Finally, her boyfriend comes on the line, proceeds to yell at and berate me, using all sorts of expletives; due to my inability to find this package.)

Client’s boyfriend: “Look, I can’t understand why you cannot locate this package. I mean, I have the tracking number. It says right here, FEDEX TRACKING NUMBER!!!”

*pause*

Client’s boyfriend: *sheepishly* “This is UPS, isn’t it?”

Me: “Yep. Is there anything else I can help you with?”

*click*

Me: “Hi, my name is ***** at ******** College, and I’m calling this evening to talk to ***** about her college search. Is she available?”

Older man who answered: “Sorry, she’s still got a few weeks left in jail.”

Me: “Uh…okay. Would you mind just taking down a couple pieces of contact information for her?”

Man: “I could take it, but I just don’t know how well it’d go, what with all the drugs she’s on right now.”

Me: “I’m sorry, is this a joke?”

Man: “No, no joke…”