I work in a call center for a bank. Every customer who calls us must answer a few verification questions. If they hang up or answer wrong, we need to block their access to the call center assuming it was an attempt to use someone else’s account. Then, if they call again, every employee will see that their access to the call center is denied, and to do anything with their account, the caller has to personally go to the branch to unblock the access.

One time, I was talking to a very rude customer who demanded that everything be done immediately.

Me: “I will happily do everything you’ve asked for, but first, you need to answer some verification questions.”

He started yelling even louder, called me names, said I was unprofessional, and hung up.

So, I blocked all of his accesses. Now, he will be forced to go to the branch to unblock it, and only then he will be able to do what he wants. And oops, he mentioned that he was abroad and couldn’t go to the branch, which is why he’d called us.

He thought I was unprofessional, so I made sure I did everything according to our procedures, so he should be satisfied.

My dear customer, enjoy not being able to use your money for a looong time!

Caller: “The Wi-Fi in my iPhone doesn’t work!”

Me: “Where are you having issues with it?”

Caller: “It works fine in the house, but when I went to the park, it stopped working.”

Me: “That’s not how Wi-Fi works. You need to be close to your router.”

I tried to explain but to no avail. Frustrated, I tried to make him an appointment to the Apple Store so someone there could explain it to him in person.

Caller: “I already went to one, and the Wi-Fi worked fine in the store, but the moment I left the store, the Wi-Fi stopped working!”

After half an hour of trying to explain, I ended up escalating to tier two… 

Related:
Another Case Of Wifitis, Part 2
Another Case Of Wifitis

Back in the early 2000s, I am working for a tax prep company call center. A super tech-savvy coworker gets a call from a guy who can’t get the tax software to work.

Coworker: “Okay, sir, we’ve exhausted all the troubleshooting issues, so my guess is it’s the modem.”

He starts taking the guy through the steps to figure out what’s going on with his modem.

Caller: “Okay, but I’ll have to unwrap it.”

Coworker: “Huh?”

Caller: “I wrapped it in tinfoil — you know, to stop the government from spying on me.”

Coworker: “How did you expect it to work?”

Caller: “…I don’t know.”

An elderly couple calls our banking website helpline.

Caller: “We’re having some issues with our online banking.”

I start to go through verifying them to help them directly when they cut me off with one statement.

Caller: “Satan is in [Bank].”

Me: “Pardon?”

I’m at a total loss as to what they mean, but they’re speaking with such convincing tones, like they truly believe the devil is occupying our software.

We have some back-and-forth questions, and their frustration grows as they hiss out increasingly confusing things like:

Caller: “We’ve seen the mark of the beast on your website! Satan is here!“

Me: “Can you please describe what you’re seeing?”

This couple was down in Florida, and by then, I’d started to hedge my questions around some contextual clues, like, “Does anyone else use this computer to look things up?”

It turned out that they were using our search bar, but every time they went to click on it to search for something, these phrases were dropping down as suggested search items.

The couple had no idea what it meant to clear their cookies or cache, but by the time we got to that point in the conversation, they were too frustrated to listen to my directions. The best I could do was pass it along to my supervisors at their request so a “God-fearing soul could cleanse things and put it all to rights.”

As far as my coworkers and I could guess, it seemed like maybe a mischievous grandchild had been down to visit and decided to f*** with their grandparents’ heads.

The caller’s mouse isn’t working.

Caller: “It’s doing crazy stuff! It’s sending the pointer around at random!”

We can’t identify the problem, so we send them a new one since it’s a new purchase. They get it, but they call back. The new one doesn’t work, either — same issue!

Me: “Okay, so now we’re suspecting a USB issue. We’ll try to troubleshoot the USB ports over the phone with no mouse as much as we can. Is it plugged into a hub?”

Caller: “No, it’s plugged straight into the Mac.”

Me: “Okay, look at your mouse. Is the red light on?”

Caller: “Yes, it’s shining straight at me!”

Pause.

Me: “Okay… Turn your mouse over so the light is shining down on the desk. Does it work now?”

Caller: “Yes! What did you do?!”