Canada: America’s Hat, Part 3

| Canada | Canada

(I’m working the customer service line and have just finished explaining our services to a caller.)

Caller: “Well, that sounds great! You seem like a good, honest American business.”

Me: “Canadian, actually.”

Caller: “No such thing!”

Me: “I’m sorry, come again?”

Caller: “There’s no such thing as ‘Canadian'; you’re either American or one of those foreign people.”

Me: “Um, I’ll…put you through to sales then.”

Caller: “Thank you!”

Related:
Canada: America’s Hat, Part 2
Canada: America’s Hat

Pray The Gay To Stay

| Melbourne, Australia | Family & Kids, Top

(We run a number of programs to help parents of children with special needs, so they can access services. We occasionally also give out parenting advice.)

Caller: “Can you tell me what makes someone gay?”

Me: “Sorry, can you repeat that?”

Caller: “Gay. What makes someone gay?”

Me: “Ma’am, if your child is gay, nothing ‘made’ them gay. And being gay is certainly not a disability.”

Caller: “Of course it’s not a disability! What kind of disgusting person thinks being gay is a disability?”

Me: “Then why do you want to know what makes someone gay?”

Caller: “I want to make my son gay. I would love to have a gay child. I’m very open minded!”

Me: “Ma’am, you can’t make someone gay. If your son is straight, you can’t change that.”

Caller: “Well, I see on the news all the time about how single parent families have gay kids. I am a single mother, but I still don’t think he’s gay.”

Me: “Um–”

Caller: “Should I show him pictures of gay men having sex?”

Me: *stunned* “Um…I doubt that’s a good idea. You would just confuse him, and possibly scare him. Can I ask how old your son is?”

Caller: “He’s three. I want him to be gay before he goes to school. So if gay porn would scare him, should I show him straight porn? I really really want a gay son.”

Me: “Ma’am, you cannot show a 3 year old porn of any kind! You can’t control your son’s sexuality!”

Caller: “You don’t understand. I’m very open minded! You must just be homophobic.”

Me: “Ma’am, I’m gay!”

Caller: “Then why won’t you help me? Don’t you want my son to be gay? He’d be such a good gay man!”

The Horrors Of Mispronunciation, Part 2

| Salt Lake City, UT, USA | Religion

(I work in a call center that distributes supplies to missions all over the world. We get called at least three times a week, sometimes more, by a woman who likes to order supplies for her mission one or two items at a time. Also, all missionaries carry a ministerial card, certifying them as authorized representatives of our church.)

Me: “Okay, I’ve entered that order for you. Is there anything else you need?”

Customer: “Yes, I need a menstrual certificate.”

Me: “I’m sorry, a what?”

Customer: “A menstrual certificate!”

Me: “A what?”

Customer: “A menstrual certificate! One of our elders has lost his menstrual certificate, and he needs a new one!”

Me: “Um, I think you should call the missionary department about that one.”

Related:
The Horrors Of Mispronunciation

An Electrifying Confection

| Colorado Springs, CO, USA | Technology

(This happens while I’m setting up a new prepaid phone with a cute little lady.)

Me: “Alright, ma’am. Go ahead and press the phone’s power button and let me know when it has powered up.”

Customer: “The power? What is power?”

Me: “It’s the button you normally hang calls up with. Looks like a little red telephone.”

Customer: “Ah, I see!”

(A few minutes pass in silence.)

Me: “Ma’am, are you having trouble turning the phone on?”

Customer: “Yes. It doesn’t work. There’s no light.”

Me: “I’m sorry. Check and make sure the battery is pushed in all the way on the back.”

Customer: “Battery? What battery?”

Me: “It came with the phone, in the package. It’s small, black, and has 3 little metal contacts on one end. You need to put it inside the back part of your phone.”

Customer: “I don’t see a battery. There isn’t one in the phone, and there isn’t one in the package, either.”

Me: “You don’t see it? It should have been packaged in a separate little baggie–”

Customer: “OH! That! That’s in my candy dish!”

Me: “Your candy dish?”

Customer: “Yeah! I saw it on table and thought it was a piece of chocolate!”

The Downside To Survival

| Joplin, MO, USA | Uncategorized

(I live and work in Joplin, MO. A customer wants to place an order with the business I work and calls me.

Me: “Thank you for calling. How can I help you today?”

Customer: “Supervisor, now!”

Me: “I am sorry, sir, but before I can transfer you to a supervisor, I need to get your name and phone number please.”

Customer: “Okay, my name is [name] and my number is [number]. I am calling because I see this mailing address for Joplin, MO and I know that Joplin was wiped off the map from that tornado.”

Me: “No, sir. Not all of the city was destroyed. Only one-third was wiped out.”

Customer: “Supervisor, now!”

(I get his name and number and get a supervisor. The supervisor tells him the same exact thing.)

Customer: “You are all frauds!” *click*

Page 69/150First...6768697071...Last