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    Not The Cream Of The Crop

    | UK |

    Me: “Thanks for calling [credit card company], how can I help you today?”

    Caller: “I bought my crops on Farmville using your card. I forgot to water them and they’ve all died. Am I covered on purchase protection for that?”

    Me: “Seriously?”

    Caller: “I thought you’d be like that. Thanks anyway.” *click*

    Moving From Utah To Utero

    | Lincoln, NE, USA |

    Me: “Thank you for calling [satellite TV company]. How may I help you?”

    Caller: “I need to talk to one of your supervisors. His name is Greg.”

    Me: “Well ma’am, I can’t transfer you to any particular supervisor since there are over forty of them in the building. But I’m sure I can help you.”

    Caller: “Is this the call center in Utah?”

    Me: “No, ma’am. It’s the one in Nebraska. The one in Utah takes over at midnight.”

    Caller: “Well, I knew Greg when I lived in Utah and he said he worked for you. I just moved down to Texas. And I really need to get hold of him, but he’s not answering. So, transfer me to Greg.”

    Me: “Like I said ma’am, I can’t transfer you to a specific supervisor, but I’m sure I can help you.”

    Caller: “No, you can’t!”

    Me: “Well, I can try.”

    Caller: “Trust me, you can’t!”

    Me: “Well, why not, ma’am?”

    Caller: “I’M PREGNANT, YOU IDIOT!”

    Me: “Oh…I see.”

    Oh Call Him At Home, Where The Phone Charges Roam

    | Victoria, BC, Canada |

    (A customer calls in to report his cellphone as stolen 3 weeks earlier while he was on vacation in Vietnam. He had just received a bill for a few thousand dollars for international usage. I asked if I could put him on hold while I checked into his problem. I used the time to confirm the billed calls from Vietnam were to numbers from previous bills; numbers he called all the time. I looked up his to see where the phone was currently registering and was unsurprised to find it registered to a US cell tower. I decided to call it.)

    Me: “Hello sir, this is [name] from [service provider]. We were just having a conversation about this phone being lost on your other line. You do realize that what you are attempting to do is fraud? Given the amount of money involved it would be considered a felony.”

    Customer Cell Phone: *click*

    Landline: *click*

    (I dialed into his voicemail and left a very detailed message about prompt payment and made copious notes on the account. The account was paid in full and on time.)

    Common Sense On The Decline(d)

    | Canada |

    Caller: “My credit card was declined and I want to know why! I’ve never been so embarrassed! I will be canceling my credit card with your f***ing bank as soon as I make this last transaction!”

    (After properly identifying the customer, being yelled at for having to ask security questions and looking through the account, I find the answer.)

    Me: “The purchase did not go through today because you requested a hold on your account last week when you left your credit card at a shopping mall.”

    Caller: “Are you suggesting I’m stupid? I know I asked for a hold, but wouldn’t you incompetent people realize I must have my credit card if I am attempting a purchase?”

    (I remain silent as the customer realizes what they have just said.)

    Caller: “Oh!”

    Me: “Is there anything else I can do to help you today?”

    Caller: *click*

    Not So Smart-Phone, Part 2

    | IN, USA |

    Caller: “How do I make a call from this touch-screen phone? I can’t figure it out.”

    Me: “Are you calling from the device?”

    Caller: “Yes.”

    Me: “Repeat what you did, but with a different number.”

    Related:
    Not So Smart-Phone


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