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    This Caller Is Off The Hook

    | Augusta, GA, USA |

    (Note: I have been speaking to this caller for at least a half-hour.)

    Me: “Okay, now while we program your new cell phone, I need you to stay on the line on the second cell phone.”

    (Suddenly, I hear the sounds of shattering glass, screeching tires and crumpling metal. I hit the emergency button on my phone system and stay on the line, as I am trained to do. Eventually, a deep male voice comes on the line.)

    Me: “What is going on?”

    Safety worker: “Apparently, your customer was juggling two cell phones while holding a hot coffee between her knees, and driving. Another car admits to not seeing the red-light until it was too late. They t-boned your customer. I have no idea how the h*** I am going to write up this one. Thanks for staying on the line. I am ending this call now.”

    Phoning, But There Is Nobody Home

    | GA, USA |

    Me: “So, I need to get you off your cell phone so we can put a lock code on it. Then people can’t use it without your permission.”

    Customer: “Okay. That would be good.”

    Me: “Do you have another line I can call you on?”

    Customer: “My boyfriend’s phone is right here.”

    Me: “What’s his number?”

    (She gives me the number.)

    Me: “Okay. I’m going to call you on his phone. Don’t hang up until we get on that line.”

    (I put her on hold and call the phone. Nobody answers. I check back on her.)

    Me: “Ma’am, I think I have that number wrong. Can you give it to me again?”

    (She gives me the exact same number.)

    Me: “Okay. I called you on that number and nobody answered.”

    Customer: “Well, it rang but I didn’t answer it. I wasn’t sure who was calling.”

    How To Create Characters

    | Bluefield, WV, USA |

    (A customer calls in to make a payment with his credit card. He is an older man, and is obviously having trouble reading the numbers.)

    Customer: “Let’s see. 1, H–”

    Me: “Sir? Did you say H?”

    Customer: “Yeah. H, 8–”

    Me: “I’m sorry, sir. There are no letters in a credit card number.”

    Customer: “Yeah there are. 1, H, 8, L…”

    (I try, just in case. I receive an error as soon as I type in the letter.)

    Me: “I’m terribly sorry, sir. It won’t accept letters.”

    Customer: “Well try again! 1, H, 8, L, 6…”

    *long pause*

    Customer: “Oh! I have this thing up-side-down!”

    Speaking Posh Gets You No Dosh

    | Boise, ID, USA |

    Me: “Thank you for calling [company]. My name is Steve. How can I help you?”

    Caller: “Who did you say this was?”

    Me: “Steve. With whom do you wish to speak?”

    *long pause*

    Caller: “Did you just say ‘whom’?”

    Me: “Yes.”

    Caller: “I have the wrong number.”

    A Few Digits Shy Of A Phone Number

    | Pensacola, FL, USA |

    Me: “Thank you for calling [cell phone company]. May I confirm your wireless number?”

    Customer: “My what now?”

    Me: “Your wireless number?”

    Customer: “I haven’t got a wireless number.”

    Me: “Your cell phone number.”

    Customer: “Oh yeah. I don’t know.”

    Me: “You don’t know what your phone number is?”

    Customer: “Nah. What is that?”

    Me: “The number associated with the cell phone that you’re calling me from right now.”

    Customer: “Yeah. I don’t know it.”

    Me: “I see here that you’ve had the account for over a year.”

    Customer: “Yeah.”

    Me: “So do you know your number?”

    Customer: “Yeah.”

    Me: “Okay.”

    *awkward silence*

    Me: “Can you tell me what it is?”

    Customer: “I don’t know what that is.”

    Me: “Okay, let’s try this.”

    (I explain how to access the number from the phone menu.)

    Customer: “How do I get the menu?”

    Me: “Press the menu button.”

    Customer: “I haven’t got one. Hang on.”

    (The customer presses random buttons for about a minute.)

    Me: “Hello, sir? Are you done?”

    Customer: “I see something on my screen. It’s a real long number. Is this my number?”

    Me: “What does it say?”

    Customer: “396748562318521*2554###.”

    Me: “Okay, stop. Those are the numbers you just typed into your phone.”

    Customer: “Yeah.”

    Me: “Yeah.”

    Customer: “Oh yeah. I know my number.”

    Me: “Really?!”

    Customer: “Yeah. It’s [6-digit-number].”

    Me: “That was only 6 digits.”

    Customer: “Yeah.”

    Me: “I need 10.”

    Customer: “Oh. I only got 6.”

    Me: “I realize this.”

    Customer: “That isn’t enough?”

    Me: “Not in the United States of America, no.”

    Customer: “Well, that’s all I got.”

    Me: “Is there any way that I can help you today?”

    Customer: “No.”

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