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    Pray It’s To Put The Brain Back In

    | Tampa Bay, FL, USA |

    (We only have access to credit cards in the credit card department. The credit union is closed.)

    Caller: “I need to pay my auto loan.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, you have reached the credit card department. I would be more than happy to provide you the number for the branch. They can help you tomorrow morning with your loan payment.”

    Caller: “I’m having surgery tomorrow. Take my payment.”

    Me: “I’m sorry to hear you’re having surgery. You can speak to the branch when you get out to make a payment to your auto loan.”

    Caller: “I’m donating a kidney to my mother. I can’t call for three weeks.”

    (I had a friend donate a kidney. They were not walking around well for two to three weeks, but they could talk the same day.)

    Me: “Well, I have good new for you, sir. You should be able to talk in a day or two after surgery so you can speak to the branch.”

    Caller: “Well, I’m having brain surgery. I won’t be able to talk for 3 weeks.”

    Me: “I’m sorry to hear that.”

    Caller: “Have the branch call me back.”

    Me: “I’m sorry…I thought you just said you would not be able to speak for 3 weeks. I’m unsure how the branch calling you would be different than you calling them.”

    Caller: “I can nod at the phone and let them know it’s me, and pass the phone to my mother…”

    Barking Outside The Box

    | AZ, USA |

    Me: “Thank you for calling [cable company]. How can I help you today?”

    Customer: “Cable box jump dog!”

    Me: “Wait. Did you just say ‘cable box jump dog’?”

    Customer: “Yeah.”

    Me: “I…I don’t even know what that means.”

    Customer: “Me neither!”

    Blood Is Thicker Than Social Security

    , | TN, USA |

    (A customer’s mother has passed away. He wants to take over her account. I am running his credit.)

    Me: “I’m sorry, sir. It appears there is a freeze on your credit with one or more of the credit bureaus. This usually happens if you–”

    Customer: “Of course there is a freeze. I have one with all three credit bureaus, because some idiot stole my identity last year!”

    Me: “I’m sorry, sir. In order to take over her service, you will need to contact the credit bureaus to authorize this transaction.”

    Customer: “Don’t you have a way to work around this? This is really a huge pain. A total nightmare.”

    Me: “I understand, sir, but there is no work-around. You will have to contact them to remove the freeze.”

    Customer: “I can’t remove the freeze. It’s there to protect me. Are you stupid? Do you think I want to go through all this identity theft garbage again?”

    Me: “Not at all, sir. In fact, your protection is why we do not have a way to bypass the freeze. If we did, then anyone could call and give your information and set up service.”

    Customer: “But, I’m not just anyone. I’m me!”

    Me: “Yes, sir. I understand that. This is how a freeze works. It requires you to verify this transaction further with the credit bureau.”

    Customer: “Clearly you are not getting this, but whatever. What if I give you my mother’s social security number?”

    Me: “Your mother’s name is who the account is listed under currently.”

    Customer: “I know that, you idiot. I mean put it under her social, and my name.”

    Me: “Let me make sure I understand you correctly. You don’t want to contact the credit bureaus to lift the freeze you placed on your credit due to being the victim of identity theft. Instead, you would like me to use your name and someone else’s social security number to open an account for you?”

    Customer: “Yes. Thank you.”

    Me: “You do realize that would technically be committing identity theft?”

    This Caller Is Off The Hook

    | Augusta, GA, USA |

    (Note: I have been speaking to this caller for at least a half-hour.)

    Me: “Okay, now while we program your new cell phone, I need you to stay on the line on the second cell phone.”

    (Suddenly, I hear the sounds of shattering glass, screeching tires and crumpling metal. I hit the emergency button on my phone system and stay on the line, as I am trained to do. Eventually, a deep male voice comes on the line.)

    Me: “What is going on?”

    Safety worker: “Apparently, your customer was juggling two cell phones while holding a hot coffee between her knees, and driving. Another car admits to not seeing the red-light until it was too late. They t-boned your customer. I have no idea how the h*** I am going to write up this one. Thanks for staying on the line. I am ending this call now.”

    Phoning, But There Is Nobody Home

    | GA, USA |

    Me: “So, I need to get you off your cell phone so we can put a lock code on it. Then people can’t use it without your permission.”

    Customer: “Okay. That would be good.”

    Me: “Do you have another line I can call you on?”

    Customer: “My boyfriend’s phone is right here.”

    Me: “What’s his number?”

    (She gives me the number.)

    Me: “Okay. I’m going to call you on his phone. Don’t hang up until we get on that line.”

    (I put her on hold and call the phone. Nobody answers. I check back on her.)

    Me: “Ma’am, I think I have that number wrong. Can you give it to me again?”

    (She gives me the exact same number.)

    Me: “Okay. I called you on that number and nobody answered.”

    Customer: “Well, it rang but I didn’t answer it. I wasn’t sure who was calling.”

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