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    Something Smells Fishy, Part 3

    | Chicago, IL, USA | Liars & Scammers, Technology, Top

    Customer: “Last night, I was drunk on a boat and I threw my phone overboard. Now it is on the bottom of the lake. Can you send someone to pick it up for an exchange?”

    Me: “I thought I heard you said it is on the bottom of a lake.”

    Customer: “Yes, it is. Can you send someone?”

    Me: “No, we cannot send someone to the bottom of the lake to pick it up. Also, since you don’t have your phone, we can’t exchange it.”

    Customer: “But I do have it, it’s in the bottom of the lake.”

    Me: “Then, you don’t have it.”

    Customer: “But, I do have it. I mean, it’s not in my hands but I know where it is, so it counts as if I had it.”

    Me: “No, it doesn’t, sir. Besides, we need to have the phone first in order to send you a replacement.”

    Customer: “I do have it. It’s at the bottom of the lake!”

    Me: “The warranty doesn’t cover liquid damage.”

    Customer: “How do you know it has liquid damage?”

    Me: “The phone is at the bottom of a lake!”

    Related:
    Something Smells Fishy, Part 2
    Something Smells Fishy

    In Case Of Emergency, Use Brain

    , | Hanover, Germany | Extra Stupid

    (I’m working in the insurance field service. One of many things I have to deal with is containing damages on the telephone.)

    Me: “Thank you for calling [insurance company]. How may I assist you?”

    Customer: “My house is burning!”

    Me: *confused* “Your house is burning?”

    Customer: “My house is burning! What should I do?”

    Me: “Have you called the fire department?”

    Customer: “No, I thought the insurance wanted to see the damage before–” *disconnects*

    Trust Me, You’re (Not) A Doctor

    | Vancouver, BC, Canada | Health & Body

    Me: “Hello, this is ***** Healthcare line. What can I help you with?”

    Caller: “Hi, I’m calling because my son just ate a bunch of ants.”

    Me: “I’m sorry? Your son ate ants?”

    Caller: “Yes! I was wondering if I need to take him to the hospital and see a doctor.”

    Me: “Well, ma’am, I don’t think you need to worry. I don’t think the ants will make him sick, but I advise that he doesn’t eat any more of them.”

    Caller: “Well, I gave him some ant killer to get rid of them.”

    Caller’s friend: “Get him to the emergency room, now!”

    Spoiled Like The Food On Your Dirty Dishes

    | Tempe, AZ, USA | Family & Kids, Top

    (I answer phones for a major appliance company. It’s Saturday.)

    Customer: “My dishwasher’s broken!”

    Me: “I’m sorry to hear that! Would you like me to schedule a technician to come out for you?”

    Customer: “No! [Company] already did that! They told me I have to wait till Monday! I can’t believe you people expect me to go two whole days without a dishwasher. This is inhumane! I can’t do this. I have four kids!”

    Me: “Well, ma’am, it sounds to me like you have four dishwashers.”

    Customer: “How dare you tell me how to raise my kids! I can’t believe the nerve of you people!”

    Me: “Well, do you give them an allowance?”

    Customer: “Yes, but I don’t see how that’s any of your business!”

    Me: “Do they do chores to earn it?”

    Customer: “My children don’t have to earn their way through life. They’re angels!”

    Honest Heisters

    | Dublin, Ireland | Criminal/Illegal

    Me: “Hi. We are calling from [company]. Would you have some time to take part in a survey about Ireland?”

    Customer: “No, I can’t take part. I’m just a burglar here.”

    Me: “Oh, okay…we will try again some time.”

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