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    The Beginning Of The End

    | Illinois, USA | Technology

    (I’ve been helping a caller with programming their phone. We are nearing the end of this lengthy, multi-step process.)

    Me: “Now, you’re going to enter your number with the area code.”

    Customer: “Okay.”

    Me:“After you enter your number, select OK.”

    Customer: “Okay.”

    Me: “At this point, you can keep selecting OK until you see EXIT.”

    Customer: “Okay.”

    Me: “After you press EXIT, the phone is going to power off by itself.”

    Customer: “But it’s been off the whole time.”

    Me: *speechless*

    Out With The Old And In With The Nothing

    | Ottawa, ON, Canada | Technology

    (This is the second time this customer has called in today for the same issue, after calling in 3 times about it yesterday.)

    Me: “I can understand how you are frustrated that your email is not working in Outlook. However, it still works in webmail, so why don’t you use that for the time being until we hear back from our hosting technicians about your issue?”

    Caller: “That’s not what I’m paying for! I want you to fix my Outlook right now!”

    Me: “Sir, we do not provide Outlook. We provide the webmail that routes to your email, so you aren’t paying us for something that is unavailable. The webmail still works, so you can still use that for now.”

    Caller: “I don’t want to use that archaic piece of garbage! I want my Outlook! You guys are putting me out of business!”

    Me: “So, you won’t use webmail, even though it still works, because you don’t like the layout?”

    Caller: “I want my Outlook back! You are putting me out of business with this delay!”

    (Note: it has been less than 24 hours since the original complaint was filed.)

    Me: “Sir, our technicians are working on the issue. This issue will take time to fix.”

    Caller: “Well, I’m not seeing any effort! Tell them to work faster! I will be calling back this afternoon to speak with a supervisor! You are putting me out of business!”

    Me: “Sir, there is nothing that can be done except wait and use the webmail service for now.”

    Caller: “But I don’t want to use webmail! I want to use my Outlook! You go tell those guys to stop drinking coffee and fix my email! Don’t you understand how I feel?”

    Me: “Certainly, sir, but the webmail service we provide is still working, so you can use it for the time being to keep in contact with your clients and your business won’t be affected.”

    Caller: “You aren’t listening! Forget it! You’re putting me out of business and I will not use the webmail!” *hangs up*

    Might We Suggest Freedomfox

    | New Brunswick, Canada | Technology

    (I am working at a call center offering tech support for an American cell phone company’s website.)

    Caller: “Your website is broken!”

    Me: “Alright, ma’am, we can do some troubleshooting. First, what browser are you using?”

    Caller: “What’s a browser?”

    Me: “You know, Firefox, Chrome, Safari–”

    Caller: “Oh, no, no, no! I only use the good old American Explorer!”

    Good Idea, Bad Idea

    | South Australia, Australia | Technology

    Me: “Hi, thank you for calling [company]. How can I help you?”

    Customer: “Yeah, I was wondering if I can get my customer account number? I seem to have lost it.”

    Me: “Not a problem. I just need to ask you a few questions to verify your identity. What is your full name?”

    (The customer gives me his first and last name. I find him in the system, but I require him to state his full name with first, second, and last name. At this point, I notice that his second name is a bit…unusual.)

    Me: *trying not to giggle* “I’m sorry, but I will require your full name, your first, second, and last name.”

    Customer: “Really? Haha, but I was drunk when I registered. Do I really have to say it? You can see it right there. Surely, I don’t need to say it out loud?”

    Me: “Yes, I can see it. It certainly helps in the identification process, which is why I need you to say it for me.”

    Customer: “All right. Okay, my name is [first name] buttmonkey [last name].”

    Me: “Thank you–”

    Customer: “I really need to net nanny the Internet when I drink.”

    Process Of Elimination

    | Michigan, USA |

    Me: “Thank you for calling [company name]. This is Ashley speaking to you from Michigan. How may I help you?”

    Customer: “Are you a recording?”

    Me: “No, sir, I’m a real person! How can I help you today?”

    Customer: “You must be in Pakistan.”

    Me: “No, sir, we are all in Michigan at this company.”

    Customer: “Your English is too good. You must be in Pakistan.”

    Me: “No–”

    Customer: “Have someone from the US call me. Thanks.” *hangs up*

    Me: *speechless*

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