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    This One Will Be Slow To Register

    | Hays, KS, USA |

    (I am supervisor. I take calls from normal representatives when customers ask for it.)

    Me: “Why is the customer escalating?”

    Representative: “He doesn’t know what he purchased.”

    (Although skeptical, I have the rep bring the customer on.)

    Me: “I’d be happy to help you out, sir. What seems to be the problem?”

    Customer: “The last guy wouldn’t register my product.”

    Me: “I’d be happy to. When was it purchased?”

    Customer: “Today.”

    Me: “And how much did you pay?”

    Customer: “$50.”

    Me: “Alright, what is the product?”

    Customer: “I don’t know.”

    Me: “I need to know what it is to register it, sir.”

    Customer: “Why can’t you just register it without that?”

    Video Killed The Emergency Radio Broadcast

    | Buffalo, NY, USA |

    (It is 2005. Hurricane Wilma has just flattened our service area.)

    Me: “Thank you for calling [cable company]. How may I help you?”

    Customer: “Look son, I just got my generator going. Where’s my f***ing cable TV?”

    Answer Pwned

    | Worcester, England, UK |

    Me: “Hello, this is [name] speaking. How can I help you today?”

    Customer: “Hello, I’ve got an answer phone message from you saying my boiler engineer appointment is today. I accidentally deleted the message. Does that mean he’s not coming?”

    Enough To Make You See Stars

    | London, England, UK | Top

    Me: “How can I help you today, ma’am?”

    Caller: “Is e-mail internet”?

    Me: “I beg your pardon?”

    Caller: “Is e-mail on the internet? I have no internet. Can I still read my e-mail?”

    Me: “Well, yes. You must be able to get online to view your e-mail.”

    Caller: “Oh, dear. I can’t see my e-mail.”

    Me: “Well, let’s see. Can you open up your browser for me, and tell me what you see?”

    Caller: “Open what?”

    Me: “Your browser…can you open up your browser?”

    Caller: “My…my…what?”

    Me: “It’s what you click on when you want to browse the internet.”

    Caller: “I don’t use anything. I just turn my computer on, and it’s there.”

    Me: “Okay. Do you see the little blue ‘e’ icon on your desktop?”

    Caller: “You mean I have to start writing letters again?”

    Me: “I’m…what, I’m sorry?”

    Caller: “I don’t have any pens at my desk. I just want my e-mail again.”

    Me: “No, ma’am. Your desktop, on your computer screen. Can you click on the little blue ‘e’ on your computer screen for me?”

    Caller: “Oh, this is too much work. I’m too upset. Just send me my e-mail. Can’t you send me my e-mail?”

    Me: “Okay, ma’am. Can you tell me what color the lights are on your router right now?”

    Caller: “My what?”

    Me: “The little box with green or, possibly, a couple of red lights on it right now. It’s most likely near your computer?”

    Caller: “Lights and boxes, boxes and lights. Just get my e-mail for me.”

    Me: “My test is showing that you should be able to get online right now. Can you tell me what you’re seeing on your computer screen?”

    Caller: “It’s been the same thing for the last two hours.”

    Me: “An error message?”

    Caller: “No, just stars. It’s black and moving stars.”

    Me: “Do you see your mouse next to your keyboard?”

    Caller: “Yes.”

    Me: “Move it for me.”

    Caller: “Move it?”

    Me: “Yes. Move it.”

    Caller: “My e-mail!”

    Pray It’s To Put The Brain Back In

    | Tampa Bay, FL, USA |

    (We only have access to credit cards in the credit card department. The credit union is closed.)

    Caller: “I need to pay my auto loan.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, you have reached the credit card department. I would be more than happy to provide you the number for the branch. They can help you tomorrow morning with your loan payment.”

    Caller: “I’m having surgery tomorrow. Take my payment.”

    Me: “I’m sorry to hear you’re having surgery. You can speak to the branch when you get out to make a payment to your auto loan.”

    Caller: “I’m donating a kidney to my mother. I can’t call for three weeks.”

    (I had a friend donate a kidney. They were not walking around well for two to three weeks, but they could talk the same day.)

    Me: “Well, I have good new for you, sir. You should be able to talk in a day or two after surgery so you can speak to the branch.”

    Caller: “Well, I’m having brain surgery. I won’t be able to talk for 3 weeks.”

    Me: “I’m sorry to hear that.”

    Caller: “Have the branch call me back.”

    Me: “I’m sorry…I thought you just said you would not be able to speak for 3 weeks. I’m unsure how the branch calling you would be different than you calling them.”

    Caller: “I can nod at the phone and let them know it’s me, and pass the phone to my mother…”

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