Me: “Thank you for calling, how may I assist you?”

Caller: “I would like a gift card.”

Me: “You would like to purchase a gift card?”

Caller: “No.”

Me: “I’m sorry, I don’t understand. You said you wanted a gift card.”

Caller: “Well, yes. We’ve been shopping at your stores for so many years, we feel we should get a gift card from you.”

Me: “Hello and thank you for you calling.”

Caller: “I’m looking for a hoodie.”

Me: “Okay, what one would you like?”

Caller: “A dark one, with a hood.”

Me: ” Have you looked at our website?”

Caller: “No. You can pick one for me, and everytime I wear it I’ll think of you…”

Caller: “Hi, I called earlier and spoke with someone about getting a quote? She was supposed to email it to me, but I haven’t seen it yet.”

Me: “Not a problem, ma’am. How long ago was she supposed to have sent it?”

Caller: “Maybe ten minutes ago?”

Me: “Let me check with her. Did you check the spam folder, just in case?”

Caller: “I’ve never opened that folder. I really don’t think it would be there anyway.”

Me: “Well, sometimes business emails will automatically go to a spam folder based on their settings. You might want to check anyway.”

Caller: “That’s ridiculous! It wouldn’t be there. Those emails are from the future!”

(A customer has asked me to spell the name of the city, Indianapolis.)

Me: “I-n-d..”

Customer: “I-m-b…”

Me: “No, I’m sorry, that was I-n-d…”

Customer: “I-n-b…”

Me: “That’s d, like dog.”

Customer: “Oh. Okay.”

Me: “Okay… you got that?”

Customer: “I got it.”

Me: “…i-a-n…”

Customer: “…i-a-m…”

Me: “That was an n, like Nancy.”

Customer: “I have I-m-b-i-n-d-o-k-i-a-m-n.”

Me: “Let’s start at the beginning.”

Customer: “Oh. Okay.”

Me: “I-n-d…”

Customer: “I-n-d?”

Me: “Yes. …i-a-n…”

Customer: “All right, now I have I-n-d-i-a-m-i-m-b-i-n-d-o-k-i-a-m-n – is that how you spell Minneapolis?”

Me: “No. It is not.”

Customer: “Must be all them funny Indian letters. Okay, I’ll send this to you. Goodbye.”

Caller: “My friend told me that there is something better than the TV service I have right now.”

(I have been looking at his account for over 20 minutes. He has full HD TV service.)

Me: “Well, you have full HD TV. The only thing better would be to upgrade to a Personal Video Recorder.”

Caller: “No, I don’t want one of those. I want better picture on my TV!”

Me: “You have better picture on your TV. You have HD TV.”

Caller: “No! You don’t understand. My friend told me that there is something better than what I have. I want that! What is it?”

(Note: this was before 3D TV was available.)

Me: “Well, there is talk of things like 3D TV, but the technology is a ways away. It’s not something available now. You currently have the best thing available on the market today.”

Caller: “No! There is something better! What is better than HD TV?”

Me: “The only thing better than HD TV is real life.”

Caller: “Real life? Well, how do I get that?”