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    They Don’t Insure Against Dumb

    | Texas, USA |

    (I work in a human resources call center. I’m walking an employee through electing her benefits online. She says she is getting an error message when she tries to save her changes.)

    Caller: “It says, ‘check here to opt out of health insurance or check here to select [insurance provider].’ What should I click?”

    Me: “Well, if you want to opt out of health insurance, click on the top one. If you want [insurance provider], click the bottom one.”

    Caller: “I don’t understand. What’s the difference between the two?”

    Me: “One is health insurance and the other one is no health insurance.”

    Caller: *pause* “Oh.”

    Shooting The Message-less Messenger

    | Montreal, Canada |

    Me: “Hi, you’ve reached Jen at [company].”

    Customer: “Hello?”

    Me: “Hi.”

    Customer: “Who is this?”

    Me: “Jen.”

    Customer: “Jen?”

    Me: “Yes?”

    Customer: “F*** you.” *hangs up*

    Stripped Of Your Cash

    | Tampa, FL, USA | Money, Rude & Risque

    (The cardholder sounds very very drunk.)

    Caller: “Why did you let the card take out $5,000?”

    Me: “It shows that you did an ATM withdrawal for $5,000 in Las Vegas, NV. Was this you?”

    Caller: “No! It was the stripper she took it. She took it! Why did you let her take it?”

    Me: “Your card was stolen by a stripper?”

    Caller: “No, no, no! Why aren’t you listening to me?”

    Me: “Sir, I don’t understand. What happened?”

    Caller: “I wanted a lap dance. So, I gave the stripper my card and PIN number to get money.”

    Me: “You gave her your card and PIN and told her to get $5000?”

    Caller: “No! Why aren’t you listening to me? I told the stripper to get $300 for my lap dance.”

    Me: “So, she took too much money?”

    Caller: “Why did you let her? When is she coming back? I want my lap dance.”

    (This goes on for a little while with the caller slurring his speech and stuttering.)

    Caller: “Why won’t you help me?”

    Me: “What would you like me to do?”

    Caller: “Fine! Don’t help me. I’ll go back to the tables and win back my fortune!”

    A Bozo By Any Other Name, Part 3

    , | Pennsylvania, USA |

    (As part of my job, I have to call potential leads and obtain information so that we can give them a quote. I am on the phone with a customer and have just finished obtaining all of the information I need.)

    Me: “That’s all the information I need. One of the agents will contact you within a few days and will send a copy of the quote to your email address.”

    Customer: “What is your name?”

    Me: “My name is Carolyn.”

    Customer: “No. Your name is Carol-INE. Do you mind if I call you Caroline?”

    Me: “Sure?”

    Customer: “Thanks, Carol-INE! Have a good day!”

    Related:
    A Bozo By Any Other Name, Part 2
    A Bozo By Any Other Name

    Something Smells Fishy, Part 3

    | Chicago, IL, USA | Liars & Scammers, Technology, Top

    Customer: “Last night, I was drunk on a boat and I threw my phone overboard. Now it is on the bottom of the lake. Can you send someone to pick it up for an exchange?”

    Me: “I thought I heard you said it is on the bottom of a lake.”

    Customer: “Yes, it is. Can you send someone?”

    Me: “No, we cannot send someone to the bottom of the lake to pick it up. Also, since you don’t have your phone, we can’t exchange it.”

    Customer: “But I do have it, it’s in the bottom of the lake.”

    Me: “Then, you don’t have it.”

    Customer: “But, I do have it. I mean, it’s not in my hands but I know where it is, so it counts as if I had it.”

    Me: “No, it doesn’t, sir. Besides, we need to have the phone first in order to send you a replacement.”

    Customer: “I do have it. It’s at the bottom of the lake!”

    Me: “The warranty doesn’t cover liquid damage.”

    Customer: “How do you know it has liquid damage?”

    Me: “The phone is at the bottom of a lake!”

    Related:
    Something Smells Fishy, Part 2
    Something Smells Fishy

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