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  • Bigotry Is Not On The Menu
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  • This Channel Will Self-Destruct In 10 Commercials

    | Colorado Springs, CO, USA | Technology

    (This customer has a problem with his remote control. I help him reprogram it and everything is working just fine now.)

    Me: “Well, sir, it looks like we got everything working. If you do ever have a problem with your remote control, we do have instructions on how to program them on our website.”

    Customer: “Thank you. I am a little worried about breaking this thing though.”

    Me: “Don’t worry, through normal use, you shouldn’t have a problem.”

    Customer: “Are you sure?”

    Me: *jokingly* “Just don’t hit the self destruct button and you’ll be fine.”

    (There is a long moment of silence.)

    Customer: “Um, I can’t find the self destruct button.”

    Zombies Like Shamu Too

    | Florida, USA | Liars & Scammers, Zombies

    (I work for a call center for a popular marine life theme park in Florida.)

    Caller: “I need to cancel the pass for one of my members. He’s deceased.”

    (I look into the account and realize that a few months prior, she had another pass for the same guy cancelled as well, due to him also being deceased. Since the first cancelled pass, this individual had been to the park four separate times.)

    Me: “Ma’am, I apologize, but I am unable to cancel this pass. For verification purposes, you would need to fax the appropriate paperwork or go to guest relations at the park.”

    Caller: *defeated* “Fine, how about I just pay it off in full?”

    The Gauntlet Has Been Phoned

    | Worcestershire, UK | Uncategorized

    (An irate caller is being very nasty and swearing at me down the phone.)

    Me: “Ma’am, if you carry on talking to me like that, I will terminate the phone call.”

    Caller: “Go on, then. I f***ing dare you.”

    Me: “I would like to carry on this conversation calmly, but I will terminate the phone call if you carry on swearing at me.”

    Caller: “I f***ing dare you.”

    Me: *hangs up*

    Above And Beyond The Call

    , | Norway | Uncategorized

    (I talk to customers that call us for information about their debt. An old man, probably around 80 years old, calls.)

    Me: “[Company name], you are speaking to [name]. How can I help you?”

    Caller: “Yeah, hi. I just took some of my wife’s pills by mistake. Is that dangerous?”

    Me: “Sir, I work at a debt collection agency. I can’t give you a good answer to that.”

    Caller: “What? Why not? I need help with this. Who can I call if you can’t help me?”

    Me: “You should problably call your doctor or an ambulance, if you need one.”

    Caller: “All right, what is my doctor’s name and number?”

    (I search for local doctors by looking at his area code. We have caller ID.)

    Me: “Try [number].”

    Caller: “Thank you!” *hangs up*

    Don’t Forget ASL, Too

    , | New York, NY, USA | Uncategorized

    (I’ve been exchanging emails with a woman all day. She tells me I should be expecting her call later in the afternoon. I give her my name and direct number so she won’t have to go through the receptionist switchboard.)

    Me: “Hello, this is [name].”

    Caller: “Oh, sorry, I must have the wrong number.” *click*

    (A few seconds later, the phone rings again from the same number.)

    Me: “Hello, this is [name].”

    Caller: “I can’t believe it! I can’t believe she gave me the wrong number!”

    Me: “Oh, well who are you trying to reach?”

    Caller: “I’m trying to call [my company], but I keep getting you instead!”

    Me: “Oh, this is [my company]. Are you looking for someone else?”

    Caller: “I’m looking for [my name]. I thought this was the right number.”

    Me: “Ah, that’s me! I’m [name]! How can I help you?”

    Caller: “Well, why didn’t you say that? You kept making me think I had the wrong number!”

    Me: “I answered the phone with ‘Hello, this is [name]’. I’m sorry if you were confused, but what can I help you with?”

    Caller: “That is SO unprofessional! Why didn’t you answer the phone with [company name]?! How is anyone supposed to know they got the right number?”

    Me: “Um, because you’re looking for [name] and I said my name was [name], and you called my direct number?”

    Caller: “You should still always answer the phone with the company name, no matter what! I was about to hang up on you again and just call [competition]. At least they let you know who you’re calling when they pick up the phone!”

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