Caller: “I can’t access [cable channel]!”

Me: “Okay, let me assess your problem. When was the last time you tried to access [channel]?”

Caller: “It was last night.”

Me: “Alright, was there any out-of-the-ordinary weather last night? Say, like a storm?”

Caller: “Yeah, there was a thunderstorm. I had nothing to do, so I was trying to watch [channel name], but it wouldn’t let me! It was all fuzzy on the screen.”

Me: “Sir, I think the thunderstorm interfered with your television power lines, which is why you couldn’t access your channel.”

Caller: “But I thought your cable company was supposed to make me able to watch any channel in any weather! That’s the whole reason I switched!”

Me: “I’m sorry sir, nothing can prevent Mother Nature. When she strikes, we cannot do anything to bring back channels that may have been lost momentarily.”

Caller: “Who’s ‘Mother Nature’? Is she the one sabotaging my TV?!”

Related: Naturally Stupid

(The customer is worried that her internet account is being hacked because she doesn’t have the proper login to see her billing information.)

Caller: “You need to help me!”

Me: “What seems to be the problem?”

Caller: “My account is being hacked!”

Me: “How do you know that you’re being hacked?”

Caller: “I can’t see my billing information.”

Me: “I’m sorry about that. You may not have the administrative logins. Let me get them for you.”

(I pull up the woman’s account.)

Me: “Your username is *** and your password is ***. Please try to log in and let me know if you can see your billing information.”

Caller: “You’re the hacker!”

Me: “I’m sorry, I don’t understand.”

Caller: “How could you know my information if you aren’t the hacker! That is my private information that only I can have access to and you can see it!”

Me: “I’m sorry that you feel that way, but I am not a hacker. I am here to help you.”

Caller: “I will report you to the FBI! Now I need to change my password. How do I do that?”

Me: “Would you like me to do that for you?”

Caller: “Yes.”

Related:
Some Computer Owners Just Can’t Hack It

Me: “Thank you for calling [bank], how can I help you?”

Caller: “Hey man! I got some fraudulent charges on my credit card.”

Me: “Ok sir, I understand let me help you report this.”

Caller: “Don’t worry son, I already took care of it.”

Me: “So you already called to report it?”

Caller: “No son, I cut my credit card in thousands of pieces. Now I need a new one.”

Customer: “I received an cell phone case in the mail today. You sent the wrong item.”

Me: “It looks like you ordered a neon green silicone case for 50 cents and shipping was $2.00. What did you receive?”

Customer: “A bright green phone case.”

Me: “What is the problem with it?”

Customer: “So the $2.50 wasn’t for a phone?”

(I work for a place that sells towing systems.)

Caller: “Yes, I was wondering if my car needs to be there when they install the mounting brackets for the tow-bar?”

Me: “Yes, sir. Since the mounting brackets are installed on your car, you car will need to be there”

Caller: “Why? I don’t understand.”

Me: “Well, sir, the mounting brackets are permanently attached to your vehicle. In order to attach them to your vehicle, we will need your vehicle to be there.”

Caller: “I’m not sure if I follow.”

Me: “Well, sir, say you come to my house so I can wash your car, but you ride your bicycle. Well since your car isn’t there, that means I can’t wash it.”

Caller: “Oh, I get it now…I think.”

Me: “Great, is there anything else I can help you with?”

Caller: “So, you all have to wash my car to do it. That’s why it has to be there!”