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    Answer Pwned

    | Worcester, England, UK |

    Me: “Hello, this is [name] speaking. How can I help you today?”

    Customer: “Hello, I’ve got an answer phone message from you saying my boiler engineer appointment is today. I accidentally deleted the message. Does that mean he’s not coming?”

    Enough To Make You See Stars

    | London, England, UK | Top

    Me: “How can I help you today, ma’am?”

    Caller: “Is e-mail internet”?

    Me: “I beg your pardon?”

    Caller: “Is e-mail on the internet? I have no internet. Can I still read my e-mail?”

    Me: “Well, yes. You must be able to get online to view your e-mail.”

    Caller: “Oh, dear. I can’t see my e-mail.”

    Me: “Well, let’s see. Can you open up your browser for me, and tell me what you see?”

    Caller: “Open what?”

    Me: “Your browser…can you open up your browser?”

    Caller: “My…my…what?”

    Me: “It’s what you click on when you want to browse the internet.”

    Caller: “I don’t use anything. I just turn my computer on, and it’s there.”

    Me: “Okay. Do you see the little blue ‘e’ icon on your desktop?”

    Caller: “You mean I have to start writing letters again?”

    Me: “I’m…what, I’m sorry?”

    Caller: “I don’t have any pens at my desk. I just want my e-mail again.”

    Me: “No, ma’am. Your desktop, on your computer screen. Can you click on the little blue ‘e’ on your computer screen for me?”

    Caller: “Oh, this is too much work. I’m too upset. Just send me my e-mail. Can’t you send me my e-mail?”

    Me: “Okay, ma’am. Can you tell me what color the lights are on your router right now?”

    Caller: “My what?”

    Me: “The little box with green or, possibly, a couple of red lights on it right now. It’s most likely near your computer?”

    Caller: “Lights and boxes, boxes and lights. Just get my e-mail for me.”

    Me: “My test is showing that you should be able to get online right now. Can you tell me what you’re seeing on your computer screen?”

    Caller: “It’s been the same thing for the last two hours.”

    Me: “An error message?”

    Caller: “No, just stars. It’s black and moving stars.”

    Me: “Do you see your mouse next to your keyboard?”

    Caller: “Yes.”

    Me: “Move it for me.”

    Caller: “Move it?”

    Me: “Yes. Move it.”

    Caller: “My e-mail!”

    Pray It’s To Put The Brain Back In

    | Tampa Bay, FL, USA |

    (We only have access to credit cards in the credit card department. The credit union is closed.)

    Caller: “I need to pay my auto loan.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, you have reached the credit card department. I would be more than happy to provide you the number for the branch. They can help you tomorrow morning with your loan payment.”

    Caller: “I’m having surgery tomorrow. Take my payment.”

    Me: “I’m sorry to hear you’re having surgery. You can speak to the branch when you get out to make a payment to your auto loan.”

    Caller: “I’m donating a kidney to my mother. I can’t call for three weeks.”

    (I had a friend donate a kidney. They were not walking around well for two to three weeks, but they could talk the same day.)

    Me: “Well, I have good new for you, sir. You should be able to talk in a day or two after surgery so you can speak to the branch.”

    Caller: “Well, I’m having brain surgery. I won’t be able to talk for 3 weeks.”

    Me: “I’m sorry to hear that.”

    Caller: “Have the branch call me back.”

    Me: “I’m sorry…I thought you just said you would not be able to speak for 3 weeks. I’m unsure how the branch calling you would be different than you calling them.”

    Caller: “I can nod at the phone and let them know it’s me, and pass the phone to my mother…”

    Barking Outside The Box

    | AZ, USA |

    Me: “Thank you for calling [cable company]. How can I help you today?”

    Customer: “Cable box jump dog!”

    Me: “Wait. Did you just say ‘cable box jump dog’?”

    Customer: “Yeah.”

    Me: “I…I don’t even know what that means.”

    Customer: “Me neither!”

    Blood Is Thicker Than Social Security

    , | TN, USA |

    (A customer’s mother has passed away. He wants to take over her account. I am running his credit.)

    Me: “I’m sorry, sir. It appears there is a freeze on your credit with one or more of the credit bureaus. This usually happens if you–”

    Customer: “Of course there is a freeze. I have one with all three credit bureaus, because some idiot stole my identity last year!”

    Me: “I’m sorry, sir. In order to take over her service, you will need to contact the credit bureaus to authorize this transaction.”

    Customer: “Don’t you have a way to work around this? This is really a huge pain. A total nightmare.”

    Me: “I understand, sir, but there is no work-around. You will have to contact them to remove the freeze.”

    Customer: “I can’t remove the freeze. It’s there to protect me. Are you stupid? Do you think I want to go through all this identity theft garbage again?”

    Me: “Not at all, sir. In fact, your protection is why we do not have a way to bypass the freeze. If we did, then anyone could call and give your information and set up service.”

    Customer: “But, I’m not just anyone. I’m me!”

    Me: “Yes, sir. I understand that. This is how a freeze works. It requires you to verify this transaction further with the credit bureau.”

    Customer: “Clearly you are not getting this, but whatever. What if I give you my mother’s social security number?”

    Me: “Your mother’s name is who the account is listed under currently.”

    Customer: “I know that, you idiot. I mean put it under her social, and my name.”

    Me: “Let me make sure I understand you correctly. You don’t want to contact the credit bureaus to lift the freeze you placed on your credit due to being the victim of identity theft. Instead, you would like me to use your name and someone else’s social security number to open an account for you?”

    Customer: “Yes. Thank you.”

    Me: “You do realize that would technically be committing identity theft?”


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