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  • Just The Fax, Please

    | Baltimore, MD, USA | Uncategorized

    Client: “What do I put where it says “Client Name” and “Address”? Is that my information?”

    Me: “Yes, ma’am.”

    Client: “Okay, and where it says “Fax/Email/Overnight”, what’s that?”

    Me: “That is how you would like us to send your documents.”

    Client: “But what do I mark if I want you to fax them?”

    Business -101

    | USA | Extra Stupid

    (Note: I work for a cosmetology products distributor, so our clients are primarily professionals and beauty salon & supply owners. I’m talking to a rather ditzy stylist on the phone.)

    Customer: “So, yeah…like, I need to know how to retail [brand name product].”

    Me: “Well, I can send you a contract to become a retailers so you can purchase them from us.”

    Customer: “But I already bought them from you! I just need to know how to sell them.”

    Me: “Uh…most people put product on a shelf with a price on it.”

    Customer: *cheerful* “Ooohhh, okay! Thanks, that’s all I needed!”

    The Proof Is In The Package

    | California, USA | Uncategorized

    Caller: “I need to track a couple of shipments. Can you look those up for me?”

    Me: “Sure. What are the invoice numbers?”

    Caller: “The tracking numbers are [tracking numbers].”

    Me: “I see that both deliveries were made last week. Do you think the boxes were lost in transit?”

    Caller: “No, they’re right here on my desk. I just need proof that they were delivered.”

    Me: *temporarily speechless* “Well, have a nice day!”

    Caller: “You do the same!”

    Option Overload

    | Ontario, Canada | Top

    (We’ve been experiencing an increase in calls about things customers can do on their own on our website. This results in longer wait times for customers with issues that can only be resolved by speaking with someone at the call center. Because of this, we’ve been told to promote self-serve options on our website at the beginning of each call.)

    Me: “Okay, and while we’re waiting for your account to load up, I’d just like to take this time to let you know about the self serve options on our website. You can review your invoice, make a payment, and even cancel or activate features or change your phone number.”

    Customer: “Listen, lady, I don’t want a lecture on what I can do myself. I want you to do as I tell you to. That’s what customer service is. If I wanted to do it myself, I would.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, sir, I didn’t mean to imply that you had to do those things online. Lots of customers just aren’t aware of the options available online, so they end up waiting on hold for a representative when they don’t need to.”

    Customer: “Don’t tell me what to do!”

    Me: “I didn’t mean to. I was just explaining why I had mentioned our website.”

    Customer: “Stop talking about our website!”

    Me: “I-I’m sorry, sir. How can I help you?”

    Customer: “Well, apparently you can’t! You want me to do all the work myself!”

    Me: “No, that’s not what I want at all. I was just letting you know—”

    Customer: “I want you to apologize.”

    Me: “Pardon me?”

    Customer: “I want you to say you’re sorry for telling me about the website.”

    Me: “Believe me, sir, I am sorry I ever mentioned it.”

    Maybe If You Watch It At 88 MPH

    | Calgary, AB, Canada | Technology

    (I’m on the phone with an irate customer who feels like she has been cheated by my company after purchasing a PVR (aka a DVR, or digital video recorder). Apparently, she misunderstood the previous rep who sold it to her. We have been arguing for quite some time.)

    Customer: “I can’t get my money back? Why not? I was told that this PVR unit would let me watch shows that normally come on at 9pm whenever I wanted.”

    Me: “I’m sorry ma’am, but we can’t refund the item as it is past 30 days since you purchased it. Furthermore, there is no technology available that functions as you describe.”

    Customer: “This is ridiculous! What’s the point of buying this PVR if I can’t watch shows earlier?”

    Me: “Ma’am, the unit is called a PVR. It’s a personal video recorder, and it allows you to record programs to watch at a later time. It is not a time machine.”

    Customer: *click*

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