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  • Always Time For A Rhyme
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  • An Invitation Nonetheless

    , | Jacksonburg, OH, USA | Top

    Me: “911, what is your emergency?”

    Caller: “I’m a bad, bad boy.”

    Me: “Yes, you are. I have a squad car en route to your location. Have a good day, sir.”

    No Aspirations As Long As You’re Under This Roof, Part 2

    , | California, USA | Family & Kids, School

    (I work at a call center for a university. We call prospective students and tell them about our school. This call was meant for a young lady but was taken by her father.)

    Me: “I’m calling from [university] to talk to [girl] about her interest in attending our university.”

    Father: “University? Like school, papers, homework, and stuff?!”

    Me: “Yes, that stuff usually occurs in a university.”

    Father: “My daughter ain’t goin’ there!”

    Me: “All right, have a nice day, sir.”

    Related:
    No Aspirations As Long As You’re Under This Roof

    Numerical Nincompoops

    | UK | Extra Stupid, Top

    Me: “Good morning! You’re through to [name]. Can I take your plan number, please?”

    Customer: “I don’t have a plan number. What’s that?”

    Me: “It’s on your statement and begins with the number ’14′, then a dash.”

    Customer: “I’m looking at my statement and there isn’t one.”

    Me: “It’s about half way down on the right hand side and begins with ’14′ dash.”

    Customer: “There isn’t one. I can see where it says plan type, but that’s it.”

    Me: “Okay, it says the plan type on the left. The plan number is just to the right of it, starting with ’14′ and a dash.”

    Customer: “There isn’t one. There is no number beginning with ’14′. Are you calling me a liar?”

    Me: “No, I’m not calling you a liar, but if it is a statement you are looking at, then I promise it’s on the right side, half way down. It starts with ’14′.”

    Customer: “There bloody well isn’t! The only number on here starts ’1′, ’4′, and a dash. Can’t you take that?”

    Me: “Okay, I’ll take that instead!”

    Be Thankful You Have A Job At All

    | USA | Money

    (I work for a utilities company in collections, meaning I get people who are being shut off, or have been shut off. Our policy is to send several notices, and then shut off an account if no satisfactory arrangements are made. Where we give them a date, we can shut off the account with no one there, provided the meter is outside.)

    Me: “Thank you for calling [utility company]. How can I help you?”

    Customer: “I’m holding a shut off notice here dated for November 10th. When will my services be shut off for non-payment?”

    Me: “As of November 10th, it is subject to termination.”

    Customer: “Oh. Do I have to be there? I’m going on vacation.”

    Me: “No, you don’t need to be there.”

    Customer: “Oh. Can I get a hold on the account? I don’t have any money.”

    Me: “Well, is there a medical condition pertaining to the services?”

    Customer: “No.”

    Me: “How about an infant or an elderly person?”

    Customer: “No.”

    Me: “Okay, how about a financial hardship?”

    Customer: “Yes.”

    Me: “Okay, are you unemployed, or was there a loss of income?”

    Customer: “Oh, no, nothing like that! I spent all my money on my vacation!”

    Indecisively Incognito

    | Gainesville, Florida, USA |

    (I am calling a customer, we’ll call him John Smith, to get feedback on a service he registered with. It’s required that they verify their name.)

    Me: “Hello, I’m calling from [organization]. May I speak to John Smith?”

    Customer: “Yeah, who’s calling?”

    Me: “This is [my name]. I’m calling because you recently signed up for one of our services and we’re gathering feedback. Is this a good time to talk?”

    Customer: “Oh, uh…John isn’t here right now.”

    Me: “Oh, I’m sorry. I’d be happy to call back. When’s a good time?”

    Customer: “I don’t know. What’s this about?”

    Me: “We’re just trying to improve our programs and services. It’s optional, but we’d like to get as much feedback from our customers as possible.”

    Customer: “Okay, go ahead.”

    Me: “I do need to speak to Mr. Smith, though. When will he be available?”

    Customer: “He’s available now.”

    Me: “Oh, may I speak to him then?”

    Customer: “You are speaking to him.”

    Me: “Oh.” *laughing* “You got me. Why didn’t you say this was John Smith at first?”

    Customer: “I didn’t know who you were.”

    Me: “I see. Okay, shall we begin then? I just have a few questions. So to begin, what is your first name?”

    Customer: “No, I don’t give out my name over the phone.”

    Me: “Don’t worry, it doesn’t get attached to your answers, it’s just to confirm–”

    Customer: “You don’t have my name. I’m not giving you my name.”

    Me: “Well, Mr. Smith, I already have your name, but I don’t do anything with it except to have something to call you by–”

    Customer: “This isn’t Mr. Smith.”

    Me: “It’s not? But you said–”

    Customer: “You asked if you were speaking to John Smith, and I said yes. But I’m not telling you who I am. C’mon, I wanna do the survey.”

    Me: “I have to do it with the customer, though. If Mr. Smith is available later, though–”

    Customer: “No, he’s available! I’m available!”

    Me: “So this is John Smith? Again, I can assure you that your feedback is anonymous.”

    Customer: “I don’t give out any information over the phone. I don’t know who you are.”

    (Thinking that maybe the lines have crossed, I ask to verify the phone number to be sure this is actually the customer’s number.)

    Customer: “Maybe that’s the number you called, maybe not. I’ll answer your questions though. And also…”

    (He begins rattling off suggestions for improving our services.)

    Me: “If I can’t verify that I called the right person at the right number, I can’t take down any of this. I’m sorry.”

    Customer: “But I’m who you’re looking for!”

    Me: “So, you’re John Smith?”

    Customer: “Maybe! Let’s do the survey.”

    Me: “Okay, I’m sorry, sir, but there’s nothing I can do if you can’t verify your identity. Have a good evening.”

    Customer: “Wait! I’ll do the survey!”

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