I work from home for a shoe company in the customer service department. My particular department deals with USA customers. A man calls regarding a credit on his account; he wants to use that to purchase another item.

I must note that I have a northern English accent, but just as I can have trouble with American accents, I always believe patience is key because accents are just a way of life.

Customer: “What is the name of the shoes that I had before? I want to look them up on the website.”

Me: “The name is [Shoe].”

Customer: “What? I cannot understand you. Is that English?”

I repeat the name three times and use it in a sentence.

Customer: “Your accent is too thick! Are there any Americans to speak English to me?”

Me: “I apologise; we do not have any USA staff and I have not had this problem before. I will try to speak slower.”

I speak slower, and the customer begins to sarcastically laugh.

Customer: “Does anyone else speak better English?”

Me: *Through gritted teeth* “The employees on call tonight — apart from me — are actually from Liverpool, and you may find that a harder accent to understand, but I can transfer you.”

The customer sighs dramatically.

Me: “I understand that we both have accents. If you can be patient, I will speak as slowly as possible.”

The call somehow comes to an end, and I finalise the transaction — however, not before I am subjected to the customer telling me:

Customer: “You don’t speak English; it’s like Mandarin English.”

He laughs hysterically. My silence must speak volumes.

Customer: “You don’t find that funny?”

Me: “No!”

I then hung up.

I work for an ISP, and I get this call.

Caller: “You need to cancel some Internet pages! They’re saying things that I don’t like about [President]!”

Me: “Sir, we just provide you with access to the Internet. We’re not responsible for what is actually on the Internet.”

Caller: “Well, that’s stupid! As a patriot, you shouldn’t be allowing these people to say these things about [President]!”

Me: “Sir, the Internet is an open forum for lots of opinions about every subject. If you don’t agree with them, then—”

Caller: “Oh, these aren’t opinions. It’s the news!”

Me: “News?”

Caller: “Yes!”

Me: “If they’re verified news, then what is your complaint?”

Caller: “Aren’t you listening, son? I don’t like them!”

Me: “Maybe you should avoid that particular website, then, sir?”

Caller: “But it’s on all of them! Here, I made a list of sites for you to close: CNN, NBC, BBC—”

Me: “Sir, we can’t do that!”

Caller: “Useless! I never would have gotten this Internet thing if I’d known it would tell me things I didn’t want to hear!” *Click*

I work at a call center for a phone company.

Caller: “You need to take away the 5G!”

Me: “Pardon me, sir? What do you mean?”

Caller: “The 5G! I saw it on Facebook! It causes autism!”

Me: “Sir, I can absolutely assure you that isn’t true.”

Caller: “But I saw it on Facebook!”

Me: “Sir, you shouldn’t trust everything you read on Facebook. It’s not really a news site.”

Caller: “Get me your manager! You sound like you’ve been brainwashed by the media.”

I’ve been brainwashed?!

Me: “Yes, sir.”

I call the manager over and explain the situation. He looks at the account information, rolls his eyes, and takes over.

Manager: “Yes, sir, I heard you’re worried about the 5G causing autism. Well, don’t worry, the 5G doesn’t cause autism. The 5G towers are just placed strategically to spray lots of vaccines into the air. These vaccines contain the microchips that cause 5G, and they’re simply for government spying, not autism. Autism is just what the media wants you to think is the problem, so they can keep on spying. Okay, thanks for calling, and bye!”

He hangs up while I just stare at him in shock.

Manager: “Next week is the annual manager’s conference. We’re having a competition to see who got the nuttiest conspiracy theorist and who best shut them down. Last year, [Other Manager] won by getting a Flat Earther who was worried he would lose his signal the closer he got to the ‘edge’. I was hoping to get one of these this week, so thank you!”

Sadly, my manager didn’t win that next week. That went to a caller who thought we were all acting against “QAnon” and wanted to cancel their contract for patriotic reasons.

I work in a call center for a home security company. I get a call from an old lady.

Caller: “Did you know you’re committing treason?”

Me: “Uh, do what now?”

Caller: “You’ve got advertisements on a terrorist TV show!”

Me: “I don’t follow you, ma’am.”

Caller: “What are you, stupid? You’ve got advertisements on Al Jazeera, those terrorists that blew up 9/11!”

Me: “Ma’am, Al Jazeera is a news network; they’re like the NBC of the United Arab Emirates, or whichever country they’re in.”

Caller: “You kids these days are so f****** stupid! I want to talk to your manager!”

Me: “Okay, one sec.”

I hit the immediate transfer button.

Basically, my manager says: 

Manager: “Yeah, this call is pointless. Send them to Customer Relations.”

I start explaining the situation to Customer Relations.

Customer Relations: “They said what?! Aww, dis gon’ be gud. Send dat lady over hurr; I gotta hurr dis.”

I work at a call center for one of the largest appliance manufacturers in the United States. A caller is in tears.

Caller: “My washer won’t stop filling! I need service immediately!“

Me: “You need to shut the water main off and—”

Caller: “No! Get here now or else my house will flood and my children will drown!”

Me: “We can get someone out to you tomorrow morning at the earliest.”

Caller: “If they’re not here today, then we’re all going to die, and it will be your fault!” *Click*