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    The Volatility Of Intelligence

    | Chicago, IL, USA |

    Caller: “I spilled coffee on my phone. I need warranty replacement.”

    Me: “Sorry, but the warranty doesn’t cover liquid damage.”

    Caller: “It wasn’t liquid damage. It was coffee damage!”

    Bedtime Vs. Lifetime Stories

    , | California, USA | Books & Reading, Crazy Requests

    (Note: I’m on the phone with a customer, who is asking if we have a certain book available.)

    Me: “We do have that book. Would you like to order a copy?”

    Caller: “I don’t have time to wait for the mail. Can you just read it to me?”

    Me: “Read you the book? It’s over 600 pages.”

    Caller: “That’s okay. I have time!”

    Do-It-Yourself Rewards Club

    | California, USA | Books & Reading

    Caller: “I need you to send me a few books.”

    Me: “Sure, which books…”

    (I take the names of about ten products and the shipping address.)

    Me: “Alright, and what kind of credit card will you be using today?”

    Caller: “Credit card? You’re not seriously going to charge me for all this?”

    Me: “Well–”

    Caller: “Look, I spend a lot of money with you people. The least you can do is ship me some free stuff every now and then! Just write it off on your taxes next year!”

    Me: “I’m sorry, I can’t do that–”

    Caller: “Never mind. Cancel the order!”

    Wrote Memorization

    | California, USA |

    Me: “Hello, this is [name]. How can I help you today?”

    Caller: “I need to mail my bill. Can you give me your address?”

    (I slowly and carefully give the entire address. I add appropriate pauses to make sure the caller has enough time to write down the address.)

    Caller: “Okay, once more please.”

    Me: “Oh, did I speak too quickly?”

    Caller: “No, but I guess I should write it down this time.”

    And I Live On Mt. Soh-Cah-Doh-ah

    | Worcester, MA, USA | Extra Stupid

    Me: “Hello, thanks for calling [store], my name is Asia. How can I help you?”

    Customer: “Asia! Like the country?”

    Me: “It’s a continent.”

    Customer: “Oh! I never was that good at geometry!”

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