Abroadly Lying

| Glasgow, Scotland, UK | Liars & Scammers, Money

(I work in a cancellations department for a high end TV provider. On a day where I’ve had decent customers, I get one who has a discounted service and the following happens:)

Me: “You’re through to [cancellations]. How can I help?”

Customer: “Hi, there. I need to cancel my account. I’m moving abroad.”

Me: “No worries. Your account will cancel in 31 days and you will pay one last bill.”

Customer: “Wait, why didn’t you offer me a discount to stay?”

Me: “Because you can’t take your service abroad with you.”

Customer: “My friend said if I try to cancel you’ll give me a discount.”

Me: “Well, your friend was wrong. We can’t transmit the service outside the UK.”

Customer: “But I want one!”

Me: “Are you moving out of the UK?”

Customer: “No. I lied. Can I have my discount, please?”

Me: “We are a business, not a charity. We provide a service that you pay for. That doesn’t make you entitled to a discount. Plus you’re getting 75% off your package so you’re not getting another discount.”

Customer: “I will go to [Competitor] if you don’t make it cheaper than what I’m paying for the same service.”

Me: “They aren’t available in your area and you’re currently tied to a contract.”

Customer: *screams and hangs up*

(Cheeky cancellation save!)

Sanity Unplugged

| Detroit, MI, USA | Bizarre, Technology, Theme Of The Month

(A customer in what sounds to be her forties calls in for having trouble with her TV.)

Me: “So, let’s start by doing a reboot. Can you please unplug the furthest cord on the left for 10 seconds then plug it back in?”

Customer: “Okay, I don’t know why I HAVE to do this; you should come over and do this.”

Me: *jokingly* “Ha ha. Well, I would but you live in Texas and I am in Michigan.”

Customer: “So? I am the customer; you should do what I say!”

Me: “Ma’am, it would take me a week to get to you. Now, can I just get you to plug the cord back in to see if we can get it working?”

Customer: “Where do I plug it in?”

Me: *dumbfounded* “Where it was unplugged from: the far left slot. You can’t miss it.”

Customer: “Okay, but where is that?”

Me: *at this point I’m not in the mood for this level of dumb* “Oh, well, it looks like your line is damaged and will need a technician. This is why your TV wasn’t working. How about if I get a technician out there?”

Customer: “Must have been my dead husband. He’s been haunting me for years.”

Me: “So… 8-12 tomorrow morning?”

Customer: “That would be great. Thanks dear, and don’t forget, masturbation is a sin!”

(I got an extra break after that call because I couldn’t stop laughing.)

Wasn’t Banking On Banking

| Edinburgh, Scotland, UK | Crazy Requests, Money

(Our credit service involves payment through a bank rather than to ourselves. Being a business, we put this on our website and on the front and back of customer’s monthly statements.)

Customer: “I need to make a payment.”

Me: “Okay, well, we can’t take it over the phone; it has to done through a bank.”

Customer: “Really?”

Me: “That’s what it says on the statement you have there.”

Customer: “I can’t believe it in this day and age!”

Me: “It’s because our accounts are based overseas, so the banks handle the currency difference.”

Customer: “How do I do that then? I don’t understand!”

Me: “The full instructions are on your statement. It’s just like paying us but paying your bank instead.”

Customer: “So what do I do?”

Me: “Just phone your bank.”

Customer: “It’s so inconvenient!”

Me: “I assure you it’s not. It’s the same as what you were about to try with me, but with your bank instead.”

Customer: “Well, they don’t operate 24 hours a day.”

Me: “And neither do we.”

Customer: *click*

The Customers Are The Biggest Pest

| USA | Crazy Requests, Pets & Animals

(I recently started training for a pest control company setting up free inspections for ants, spiders, rodents, etc. This older gentleman is one of my very first calls.)

Caller: “I think there’s something in my crawl space and I need to know what it is!”

Me: “Okay, I would be happy to get a free technician out to identify what’s down there and give you a solution.”

Caller: “You can’t just tell me what it is?”

Me: “No, sir… We would need to get eyes on it to know what it is.”

Caller: *urgently* “Oh, no, that won’t do at all. I NEED to know what it is!”

Me: “In all honesty, sir, bugs and pests are so varied that no one but a tech would be able to diagnose that.”

Caller: “Can I talk to a tech then?”

Me: “They’re out in the field currently, but they truly would need to see the pest and the conditions in order to hel—”

Caller: “Oh, that just won’t work. I’ll call someone else!” *click*

Trainer: “Who’s he going to call?! Psychic Pest Control?”

Wireless, Clueless, And Hopeless, Part 16

| Croatia | Extra Stupid, Technology

Me: “Good evening. My name is [My Name]. How can I help you?”

Customer: *shouting* “Your data USB stick is garbage!”

(She continues to rant: It doesn’t work! You ripped me off! I’m going to report you!)

Me: “I’m sorry to hear that; could you tell me what the problem is?”

Customer: “It doesn’t work! I am a well educated woman and know how to use the computer and your device is trash!”

(I proceed with a step by step troubleshooting with her, and she continues shouting the whole time, and keeps repeating how she is smart and stuff like that. Meanwhile, every check I ask her to do on her computer fails, and she yells even more. Finally, in all this noise coming from her, I hear something like, ‘stupid device, I’ll throw it off the table!’)

Me: “Miss, where is your USB stick right now?”

Customer: “What kind of question is that?! It’s on the table!”

Me: “Is it inserted in your computers USB port?”

Customer: “Of course not! You clearly don’t know how to use it! It says wireless on the box!”

Me: “Miss, do you see any wires coming from the device?”

Customer: “Um… no.”

Me: “Do you know what wireless means?”

Customer: *silence*

Me: “I’m gonna assume that’s a no, so pick up the device and plug it in your computer!”

(I heard the computer start to execute installation, as our software plays a melody while installing, and then the line disconnected.)

Related:
Wireless, Clueless, And Hopeless, Part 15
Wireless, Clueless, And Hopeless, Part 14
Wireless, Clueless, And Hopeless, Part 13

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