November Theme Of The Month: Black Friday!

For Bitter Or Worse, Part 2

| Sweden | Bizarre, Spouses & Partners

Me: “Welcome to [Directory Enquiries Company]. You’re speaking to [my name]. How can I help you?”

Caller: “Yes, I’m looking for the number to a man named [name]. I don’t remember where he lives, but I hope he shouldn’t be too hard to find.”

Me: “That’s a pretty uncommon name, so he wasn’t hard to find at all. If you’d like to, I can send you an SMS to your cellphone with his information. Or, would you rather write it down yourself?”

Caller: “Oh, I’ve never understood these cellphones, so I’d rather write it down myself, please. Just give me a moment to fetch a pen.”

(Up until now, the caller has been very polite and calmer than a tibetan monk on Valium. Suddenly…)


Me: “Excuse me?”

Caller: “Oh, not you dear, I’m just talking to a good-for-nothing slob over here.” *to someone in the background* “NO, NOT THE FLYSWATTER! WHAT THE F*** AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WITH THAT?! A PEN! A F***ING PEN, YOU IDIOT!”

(The cussing and hollering goes on for about a minute before the caller gets back to the phone.)

Caller: “Alright, I have a pen now. What was the number, dear?”

Me: *reads the number to the caller*

Caller: “Thank you, dear. You have been most helpful! Have a lovely day!” *hangs up*

For Bitter Or Worse

How To Keep Your Online Devices In Line, Part 2

| Oak Ridge, TN, USA | Bizarre, Technology

Caller: “Yes, I would like you to send me a new modem. This one you sent me is possessed.”

Me: “…Possessed, ma’am? What makes you say that?”

Caller: “I turn the lights out, and the beast stares at me with the eyes of Lucifer!”

(The modem she is using has two lights on the front. When the modem is powered on but not connected to anything, the lights blink red.)

Me: “Does the modem ever seem to calm down at all, ma’am? Or is it always angry?”

Caller: “It only gets angry when I unplug it at night, but I have to unplug it so it doesn’t bring other demons! I can’t leave it connected when I’m not watching it!”

(I spent a good 15 minutes with this lady, who was always very kind, explaining that the lights were only status indicators. She insisted the modem was possessed, and I eventually sent her a new modem with blue lights instead.)

How To Keep Your Online Devices In Line

Can’t Get A Number In Edgewise

| Sioux Falls, SD, USA | Uncategorized

Me: “…Okay, well, if you need anything else, you can call us back. Would you like the number?”

Caller: “Yes.”

Me: “Okay. Are you ready?”

Caller: “Yes.”

Me: “Wonderful. It’s 1—”

Caller: “What’s the number?”

Me: “It’s 1-8—”

Caller: “What’s the number?”

Me: “It’s 1—”

Caller: “1, yes, you said that! Hello?! What is the rest?! What is with this service?!”

How To Keep Your Online Devices In Line

| Tennessee, USA | Bizarre, Technology, Top

Me: “Thank you for calling [Company] DSL tech support. How can I help you?”

Customer: “My modem bit me.”

Me: “It… bit you?”

Customer: “Yeah, I went to turn it off and it bit me. And now it’s staring at me every time I try to get back in the room.”

(The modem has two red lights on the front that are lit solid when everything is working properly. The customer also sounds like they’re not exactly sober, so I decide that giving them a logical response won’t be much help to them.)

Me: “All right, what you should do is turn the light on in the room, close the door, and go to bed. The modem will stay up all night trying to get to you, but be stuck in the room. By morning it’ll be too exhausted to fight back and you can duct tape it to the desk to keep it in line from now on.”

Customer: “Thank you!” *hangs up*

(The next day, he actually called back to compliment me for solving his problem!)

Say Here, What You Say Is Hearsay Because I Said It Right Here

| UK | Liars & Scammers

(A client is calling to complain about a debt on his insurance policy.)

Customer: “…I know it’s not your fault. You’ve been understanding, but I have to say: the girl I spoke to this morning was awful! She said you were going to take money out of my bank account without my permission.”

(I begin scanning through all the notes since the inception of the policy.)

Me: “I’m not sure why anyone would advise you that, sir, because we don’t even have any facility to do that.”

Customer: “I didn’t know that, did I? She was rude, and abrasive, and she threatened me. I want her fired—”

(At this point, I come across the only note from today.)

Me: “I’m sorry, I’m going to have to interrupt you there. It was actually ME you spoke to this morning, and I said nothing at all about taking money from your account. I’ve got a written record of our conversation here, but if you’re insisting on taking the matter further, I can find a recording of the call to prove it to you, too.”

Customer: “Oh.” *hangs up*