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    The Horrors Of Mispronunciation, Part 2

    | Salt Lake City, UT, USA | Religion

    (I work in a call center that distributes supplies to missions all over the world. We get called at least three times a week, sometimes more, by a woman who likes to order supplies for her mission one or two items at a time. Also, all missionaries carry a ministerial card, certifying them as authorized representatives of our church.)

    Me: “Okay, I’ve entered that order for you. Is there anything else you need?”

    Customer: “Yes, I need a menstrual certificate.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, a what?”

    Customer: “A menstrual certificate!”

    Me: “A what?”

    Customer: “A menstrual certificate! One of our elders has lost his menstrual certificate, and he needs a new one!”

    Me: “Um, I think you should call the missionary department about that one.”

    Related:
    The Horrors Of Mispronunciation

    An Electrifying Confection

    | Colorado Springs, CO, USA | Technology

    (This happens while I’m setting up a new prepaid phone with a cute little lady.)

    Me: “Alright, ma’am. Go ahead and press the phone’s power button and let me know when it has powered up.”

    Customer: “The power? What is power?”

    Me: “It’s the button you normally hang calls up with. Looks like a little red telephone.”

    Customer: “Ah, I see!”

    (A few minutes pass in silence.)

    Me: “Ma’am, are you having trouble turning the phone on?”

    Customer: “Yes. It doesn’t work. There’s no light.”

    Me: “I’m sorry. Check and make sure the battery is pushed in all the way on the back.”

    Customer: “Battery? What battery?”

    Me: “It came with the phone, in the package. It’s small, black, and has 3 little metal contacts on one end. You need to put it inside the back part of your phone.”

    Customer: “I don’t see a battery. There isn’t one in the phone, and there isn’t one in the package, either.”

    Me: “You don’t see it? It should have been packaged in a separate little baggie–”

    Customer: “OH! That! That’s in my candy dish!”

    Me: “Your candy dish?”

    Customer: “Yeah! I saw it on table and thought it was a piece of chocolate!”

    The Downside To Survival

    | Joplin, MO, USA |

    (I live and work in Joplin, MO. A customer wants to place an order with the business I work and calls me.

    Me: “Thank you for calling. How can I help you today?”

    Customer: “Supervisor, now!”

    Me: “I am sorry, sir, but before I can transfer you to a supervisor, I need to get your name and phone number please.”

    Customer: “Okay, my name is [name] and my number is [number]. I am calling because I see this mailing address for Joplin, MO and I know that Joplin was wiped off the map from that tornado.”

    Me: “No, sir. Not all of the city was destroyed. Only one-third was wiped out.”

    Customer: “Supervisor, now!”

    (I get his name and number and get a supervisor. The supervisor tells him the same exact thing.)

    Customer: “You are all frauds!” *click*

    Health Care(less), Part 3

    , | Mississippi, USA | Money

    (I get a lot of billing questions on the phone.)

    Customer: *irately* “I need to know why my insurance was canceled at the end of July.”

    (I look up his policy in our database.)

    Me: “Sir, you haven’t paid your bill since May.”

    Customer: “I have to pay my bill?”

    Related:
    Health Care(less), Part 2
    Health Care(less)

    Attack Of The Third Dimensional Dimwits

    | Colorado Springs, CO, USA |

    (I am explaining to a customer how to program his pre-paid phone.)

    Me: “Alright, the sequence you need to press is Pound(#)-8678423 to program your phone.”

    Caller: “What?”

    Me: “Press Pound-8678423 on the phone’s number pad.”

    Caller: “I don’t see anything that says ‘Pound’.”

    Me: “The Pound key looks like a tic-tac-toe. It’s the button right under the 9 key.”

    Caller: “You mean I have to take apart my phone, pull off the numbers, and press this ‘Pound’ key to get the thing working?”

    Me: “No, ma’am, don’t take the phone apart. The Pound key is below the 9 and to the right of the zero.”

    Caller: “But I’m telling you, I can’t get to that key if it’s under the 9! I have to take the 9 off to see it!”

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