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    Please Don’t Cowell Back

    | Mansfield, OH, USA | Bizarre, Top

    (I’m working for a call center on a forced third shift night. It is on my third day of no sleep.)

    Me: *still upbeat and cheery* “Thank you for calling [company]. My name is [name]. I’m sorry but our systems are updating, but I’d be more then happy to answer any general questions or concerns that you may have.”

    Caller: *vindictively* “So, I got Mr. Ryan Seacrest on the phone now?!”

    Me: “My apologies, sir, but my name is—”

    Caller: “So, I have to talk to some little pansy **** **** who sounds like Moviefone to give me what I want?!”

    Me: “Sir, if you—”

    Caller: “So, I have to play with this Moviefone Directory to get what I want?!”

    (The caller starts to randomly press buttons on the phone while continuing to cuss up a storm.)

    Caller: “Are you still there Ryan Seacrest?! Did you hang up on me?!”

    Me: “No, I did not sir, I was just waiting for you to finish before I—”

    Caller: “Oh, so Mr. Seacrest has the nerves to talk to me?!”

    Me: “Sir, if you want access to an account, I must apologize but with the update running here in the facility we are not able to pull up any account info. If—”

    Caller: “I don’t need anything from Ryan Seacrest or Moviefone!”

    Me: “Sir, this is [company], not Moviefone.”

    Caller: “So, Mr. Seacrest thinks he’s so smart!”

    Me: “Sir, do you have an account with [company]?”

    Caller: “Who?”

    Me: “Due to policy, I have been instructed that I am allowed to end this call. Thank you and have a nice day.”

    Caller: “I’m not done degrading you!”

    Me: *click*

    Big Power Is Watching You

    | Phoenix, AZ, USA | Technology

    (Some electric utility residents in Arizona have the option to sign up for pre-paid electricity, which places a user display terminal in their home. Commonly referred to as “the box,” most customers place the box somewhere in their kitchen or dining room.)

    Me: “Good morning, this is [name]. How may I help you?”

    Customer: “Hi! I really hope you can. My box isn’t working. I keep pushing the buttons, but the display isn’t showing me anything, and I’m worried I’m going to run out of power.”

    Me: “Alright, I’d be happy to look into that for you. First, we’ll need to go through a few quick steps. Could you please verify that the display unit is plugged in?”

    Customer: “Yes, it is.”

    Me: “Okay! Could you check for me and ensure that the battery is also inserted into the back of the display unit?”

    Customer: “Yes, it’s there.”

    Me: “Okay, great! Do you currently have your display unit plugged into one of your kitchen outlets?”

    Customer: *very long pause* “Yes…why? Can you see me?!”

    Me: “Um, no…not at all, ma’am.”

    Customer: “Then how come you knew I was standing in the kitchen, huh?! Explain THAT!”

    Me: “Well, many of our customers like to plug their display units into their kitchen or dining room outlets, so I just took a lucky guess.”

    Customer: “Oh.” *pauses* “So, you CAN’T see me, right?”

    Me: “Not at all, ma’am.”

    Customer: “Okay, good!”

    Weekly Roundup: The Parent Is Not Always Right

    , , , , | Not Always Right | Family & Kids, Roundups

    The Parent Is Not Always Right: This week, we feature five stories of people who aren’t just bad customers, but bad parents too!

    1. Bad Parents Bug Us:
      A mother and her two “angels” go on an insect-killing spree at a zoo.
    2. Fruit Is But One Food Group:
      There’s nothing sweet about this parent’s approach to nutrition!
    3. Talking S*** Behind Someone’s Back 101:
      A mother teaches her daughter the joys of smack-talk.
    4. Rounding Down To The Nearest Child:
      Signs you have too many kids: you don’t know how many you have!
    5. Oh Where, Oh Where Have My Role Models Gone:
      Nanny nanny boo-boo, mommy acts like a doo-doo!

    PS #1: check out our new Extras section, with pictures, videos, and news galore!

    PS #2: Read more roundups here!

    You Can Lead A Horse Doctor To Water

    | Virginia, USA | Health & Body, Pets & Animals

    Caller: “Hi, this is [name] with [co-op store]. I need to return some [animal] vaccines that are out of date.”

    Me: “Okay, I can help you with that. Let me just look up your invoice so I can see what you last bought this item…”

    (I take a few moments to check on her past vaccine orders.)

    Me: “Ma’am, the last time you bought this item was in 2009. That was three years ago.”

    Caller: “Yeah, so? I need to have it returned so I can get a refund.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, but I can’t return this.”

    Caller: “Why the H*** not?!”

    Me: “If I came to your store three years ago and bought a vaccine, would you let me return it today and give me a refund?”

    Caller: “Well, that’s absurd. Of course not. You would have had the vaccine long enough to use it before it went out of date….oh…I see…have a nice day.”

    Weekly Roundup: Lost & Confused

    , , , , | Not Always Right | Geography, Roundups

    Lost & Confused: This week, we feature five stories of customers who are “geographically disadvantaged!”

    1. For The Love Of God, Get GPS:
      An employee serves as a human GPS for one completely lost customer!
    2. More Cars Than Common Sense:
      A couple thinks they lost their car, when they’ve really lost their minds.
    3. For The Love Of God, Get GPS, Part 2:
      This confused hotel guest puts the “duh” in Cana-duh!
    4. At The Corner Of Me & Myself:
      We need more than your living room to locate you, sir.
    5. The Great State Of Confusion, Part 4:
      An airline passenger ends up in New Orleans, LA–Los Angeles, that is!

    PS #1: check out our new Extras section, with pictures, videos, and news galore!

    PS #2: Read more roundups here!

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