I briefly worked for an internal call center for a software development company. It was mildly frustrating dealing with both incoming calls and outgoing follow-ups, and the commute was terrible, but the business hours, pay, and eventual benefits were decent for what the work was, if less than enough to cover the cost of living as well as the commute. What actually sold me was the fact that they were opening up a new location all of ten minutes from my house, and I was verbally guaranteed to get assigned to it when it went live three months later.

Unfortunately, just shy of two months after starting, I get called into a meeting with the department head.

Department Head: “So, I’ve got some bad news, but let me start by saying you’ve been doing absolutely wonderful and have exceeded all your marks so far, and everyone loves having you around.”

Me: “I sense a ‘but’ looming on the horizon.”

Department Head: “Heh, indeed. But… the group we were going to be leasing our new office from backed out on the deal. I don’t have all the details, which is why I haven’t made an official email to everyone yet, but I wanted to talk to you first. I know you said the only reason you were able to work through this was anticipating the new office.”

Me: “Yyyyeah. No offense to you or the company, but between gas and tolls, the commute eats up way too much of the paycheck, and it’s way too long a drive for me that early in the morning long-term.”

Department Head: “Totally understandable. I already talked with Human Resources, and we came up with two solutions: first would be a fifty-cent-an-hour raise effective immediately, if you could stay.”

Me: “Unfortunately, that’s not enough to cover everything.”

Department Head: “In that case, rather than making you quit, we can work out a deal where we let you go in a way that you’re still qualified for the unemployment you were on before.”

Me: “Oh, really? That’s… unexpectedly generous. You’re sure there won’t be any repercussions for me?”

Department Head: “Positive. [HR Representative] will have all the details — she’ll talk with you tomorrow — but the verbiage was something along the lines of ‘no-fault economic difficulties’. Can we at least contact you to see if you’ll still be available should we get another office up and running in your area?”

Me: “Absolutely. Thank you for actually taking the time to talk through this with me.”

I worked through the rest of the week, and the department head bought lunch for me and a couple of others in the same boat on the last day. Sure enough, unemployment did kick back in right away.

Nine months later, I got an email back from [HR Representative] there, offering to take me back in at full-time with the offered increase at a new facility. Unfortunately for them, I had already gotten another, much better-paying job in the interim, but it was still nice to see they actually kept their promises when they could.

On my first day ever taking calls, I get a call from an elderly lady.

Me: “I need to ask for some of your information to access your account.”

Caller: “I can’t tell you that! There’s a man in my attic, and he will steal my identity if he hears me tellin’ you!”

I have honestly no idea what to do, so I silently stand up and wave a manager over, who hooks into my phone and listens as I ask the caller again to give me her information.

Caller: “I can’t! The man in my attic! I can hear him creakin’ around up there right now!”

My manager gapes and shrugs at me, and I just try to be as professional as possible.

Me: “Ma’am, if there is an intruder in your house, I advise you to end this call and call 911 immediately.”

Caller: “Nah, he’s been up there for weeks, just creakin’ around in the attic. The police told me it’s a squirrel, but I heard him talkin’ the other day. I just need to get some money from my 401k.”

Me: “Okay, well, if you are sure, I can help you with your 401k, but I need some of your information to access it so you can get your money out.”

Caller: “Okay, fine, but I’m gonna whisper so the man can’t hear me.” *Mumbles* “He’s right over the kitchen right now; I can hear him up there…”

She then proceeded to whisper for the entire duration of the phone call.

I’m new, working for a tech support line for an ISP in the earlier days of the Internet (around 2003, before common wireless capabilities). I get my very first call after finishing my training and mentoring period.

Caller: “My Internet won’t work!”

Me: “I am sorry to hear that, sir. Let’s go through some troubleshooting to see if we can identify the problem.”

Caller: “I charged my Internet all night, and now it won’t work when I unplug it from the modem.”

Hoo, boy…

Me: “Your modem does need to be plugged in to provide Internet, sir.”

Caller: “But it should be fully charged!”

Me: “It’s not a battery-operated device, sir. It needs to remain plugged in at all times.”

Caller: “Well, that’s stupid! Fine, I’ll just preload the Internet into my computer so I can unplug it from the modem, then.”

Me: “That’s not possible, either, sir. Your computer needs to be connected to the modem.”

Caller: “So, my computer needs to be connected to the modem, and my modem needs to be connected to the power?”

Me: “Yes, sir.”

Caller: “Humans have to plug themselves in to use the Internet! It’s the matrix! I don’t like it!”

Me: “I’m… sorry you feel that way, sir.”

Caller: “Does the government know about this?”

Me: “I think so, sir.”

Caller: “Well then, I’m gonna tell them anyway! This is gonna damage society, I tell ya!”

Me: “I understand, sir.”

Caller: “So… do you have the government’s email address?”

I took a break after my very first solo call.

I worked at an inbound call center in 2004 and took orders for dozens of different infomercial products. On one call, I went through the whole script of collecting contact information for the caller so I could send him a free information packet about an expensive exercise machine. I mentioned the name of the machine at least four times.

He gave me his name, his mailing address, and his phone number.

Me: “Would you like your informational video on VHS tape or DVD?”

Caller: “DVD would be fine.”

Me: “Thank you. One last question, sir. Would you like to provide your email address so we can send you some extra details and a coupon by email?”

Caller: “Okay. It’s… Y’know, I don’t know why you’re asking me all these questions. I just want to know what room my daughter is in.”

Me: “I’m sorry, what was that?”

Caller: “My daughter! She just had a [surgical procedure], and I need to know what room she’s in!”

Me: “Sir, this isn’t a hospital. You’ve called the free information line for [Exercise Machine].”

Caller: “Well, why didn’t you say that?!”

And he disconnected the call.

Me: “Thank you for calling [Company #1]. This is [My Name]. How can I help you?”

Caller: “I need to know why my account isn’t being reported to [Company #2].”

[Company #2] is a professional services company that, among other services, acts as a credit agency for businesses.

Me: “Oh, I’m so sorry. Let me see what I can do to get this taken care of for you.”

I take his name, company name, and account number.

Me: “Okay, let me get one of our credit specialists for you so that they can find out what is going on with your account’s reporting and get it fixed. Can you hold for one minute?”

Caller: “Yes.”

I get our credit department on the phone, give the caller’s account number to the credit representative, and explain what is going on.

Credit Rep: *Chuckles* “If he wants me to, I can fix the issue with his reporting. All his payments have been late, and he’s currently past due, so he might not want me to. Go ahead and transfer him over.”

I checked his payment history after I completed the transfer and before I closed out his account details. He had five invoices that were between twenty-five and sixty-five days past due. He was about to royally shoot himself in the foot!