(We’ve been experiencing an increase in calls about things customers can do on their own on our website. This results in longer wait times for customers with issues that can only be resolved by speaking with someone at the call center. Because of this, we’ve been told to promote self-serve options on our website at the beginning of each call.)

Me: “Okay, and while we’re waiting for your account to load up, I’d just like to take this time to let you know about the self serve options on our website. You can review your invoice, make a payment, and even cancel or activate features or change your phone number.”

Customer: “Listen, lady, I don’t want a lecture on what I can do myself. I want you to do as I tell you to. That’s what customer service is. If I wanted to do it myself, I would.”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, I didn’t mean to imply that you had to do those things online. Lots of customers just aren’t aware of the options available online, so they end up waiting on hold for a representative when they don’t need to.”

Customer: “Don’t tell me what to do!”

Me: “I didn’t mean to. I was just explaining why I had mentioned our website.”

Customer: “Stop talking about our website!”

Me: “I-I’m sorry, sir. How can I help you?”

Customer: “Well, apparently you can’t! You want me to do all the work myself!”

Me: “No, that’s not what I want at all. I was just letting you know—”

Customer: “I want you to apologize.”

Me: “Pardon me?”

Customer: “I want you to say you’re sorry for telling me about the website.”

Me: “Believe me, sir, I am sorry I ever mentioned it.”

(I’m on the phone with an irate customer who feels like she has been cheated by my company after purchasing a PVR (aka a DVR, or digital video recorder). Apparently, she misunderstood the previous rep who sold it to her. We have been arguing for quite some time.)

Customer: “I can’t get my money back? Why not? I was told that this PVR unit would let me watch shows that normally come on at 9pm whenever I wanted.”

Me: “I’m sorry ma’am, but we can’t refund the item as it is past 30 days since you purchased it. Furthermore, there is no technology available that functions as you describe.”

Customer: “This is ridiculous! What’s the point of buying this PVR if I can’t watch shows earlier?”

Me: “Ma’am, the unit is called a PVR. It’s a personal video recorder, and it allows you to record programs to watch at a later time. It is not a time machine.”

Customer: *click*

(I take calls about various do-it-yourself products for lawn and garden and insect control.)

Me: “How can I help you?”

Customer: “Your product is defective!”

Me: “Okay, what product?”

Customer: “[Brand name] weed and grass killer!”

Me: “Okay, what is the problem?”

Customer: “It killed my grass!”

Me: “Um, it is weed and grass killer.”

Customer: “Yes, but it doesn’t say good grass!”

Me: “You’re right. However, grass covers all grass types.”

Customer: “Well, it should say on the label it kills good grass.”

Me: “Actually, it does on the back. It lists all the grasses it kills, and your grass is listed.”

Customer: “Well, it should tell you to read the label before use!”

Me: “Actually, it does. See that stop sign on the back?”

Customer: “Yes!”

Me: “And right after, it says read entire label before use.”

Customer: “Well, it should say it on the front so I can see it!”

Me: “I’ll put your request into corporate…”

Related:
Customer: Impossible
Customer: Impossible, Part 2

(I work for a power company. When we call up a customer, we only get the name of the person the bills are sent to, and it’s not unusual for us to speak with his or her spouse instead. This was apparently the case here. It should be noted that I am female.)

Customer: “Hello?”

Me: “Hello, this is [my name] from [power company]. Is [husband's name] available?”

Customer: “Let me tell you, in this house, we are equal! I want nothing of that around here!”

Me: “I am very sorry if you took offence, ma’am, but I only saw your husband’s name on my screen—”

Customer: “Well, we are equal! If you’re going to come here with that kind of thing, I want nothing more to do with you!”

Me: “Yes, I do apologise, but—”

Customer: “If that is how you people treat us, you can forget about us being customers! In this house, we’re equal!”

Me: “I am very sorry, and I apologize for any inconvenience!”

Customer: *hangs up*

(I am manning the phone line on a particularly busy night.)

Me: “Hello, how can I help you?”

Customer: “Yeah, I got this letter from you which says I don’t need to contact you again unless I have any questions.”

Me: “Okay.”

(The pause goes on for an uncomfortably long time while I wait for the customer to continue. Eventually, I crack.)

Me: “Was there anything you’d like to go over?”

Customer: “No, that’s okay.”

(Another uncomfortably long silence.)

Me: “Then, thanks very much for calling.”

Customer: “No problem. Bye!” *hangs up*

Customer: “I was in an accident last week and the other guy was at fault. His insurance company has totaled my car out and wants my original title. Can you fax it for me?”

(I think I misheard them, since they won’t receive the original title if I fax it. So, I ask them to clarify.)

Me: “So, they need a copy of it and you need me to fax it?”

Customer: “No, fax the original. That’s what they need.”

Me: “Sorry, but faxing will not result in you having the original.”

Customer: “No, just fax it. They need the original.”

(I try several times more to explain that they won’t get an original through fax, without success. Finally, the customer gives up.)

Customer: “I don’t see what you don’t understand! All you need to do is fax it and they’ll get the original!” *leaves the office grumbling*

(I work in a call center that helps people with pricing and availability on apartment homes. We ask a few questions that may affect the price.)

Me: “So, do you know how long of a lease you would like to sign?”

Caller: “‘Lease’? I’m not signing no d*** lease! I just want to move.”

Me: “Well, you are required to sign a lease if you want an apartment.”

Caller: “I’ve never heard of these ‘leases’! You just want more money!” *hangs up*

(This customer has a problem with his remote control. I help him reprogram it and everything is working just fine now.)

Me: “Well, sir, it looks like we got everything working. If you do ever have a problem with your remote control, we do have instructions on how to program them on our website.”

Customer: “Thank you. I am a little worried about breaking this thing though.”

Me: “Don’t worry, through normal use, you shouldn’t have a problem.”

Customer: “Are you sure?”

Me: *jokingly* “Just don’t hit the self destruct button and you’ll be fine.”

(There is a long moment of silence.)

Customer: “Um, I can’t find the self destruct button.”