Me: “Thank you for calling [bank name], may I please have your 16-digit account number?”

Customer: “I can’t.”

Me: “That’s fine, may I please have your SS number so I’m able to find you?”

Customer: “No!”

Me: “How can I help you today?”

Customer: “I need my balance right now!”

Me: “Okay, I can help you with that, but I need to be able to look you up in the computer. Do you have your account number or your social security number?”

Customer: “I’m on a cell phone. I can’t give you that, it’s not SECURE!”

Me: “Umm…okay? Would you like to call us back on a land line so that your call is more ’secure’?”

Customer: “I’m busy! Can’t you just give me my balance?”

Me: “I can as soon as I’m able to look you up in the computer. How would you like me to do that?”

Customer: “I’m not going to do your job for you! Now tell me my D*MN BALANCE!”

(At this point, I’ve had enough.)

Me: “Okay, sir. Do you have your credit card with you?”

Customer: “Yes.”

Me: “Can you please take it out of your wallet and hold it above your head?”

Customer: “Okay, I’m doing that.”

Me: “Thank you, may I please put you on hold while I contact NASA to move the satellite to your location and send us a picture?”

Customer: “Okay, just don’t take too long about it!”

(I place the customer on hold and go on break. Surprisingly, he’s still there when I get back.)

Me: “I’m sorry sir, we were unable to read the picture. Did you move at all?”

Customer: “Yeah, I put it back in my wallet.”

Me: “Okay, that’s the problem. Could you please just read it to me so I can look up your balance?”

Customer: “NO, I TOLD YOU I’M ON A CELL PHONE AND IN A HURRY!” *customer hangs up*

(My boss didn’t know if I should be fired or given a award.)

(I used to work at this cellphone carrier like Vodafone or Cingular and people usually messed up who they were talking to.)

Me: “Good evening, who am I talking to?”

Customer: “Please, call an ambulance!”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am. We can’t make outgoing calls here. Not even for an ambulance. Please hang up and make the call.”

Customer: “You don’t understand. I need an ambulance NOW!”

Me: “I understand. But we can’t call it for you!”

Customer: “Please help me! My cat is dying!”

Me: “Your…what?”

Customer: “My cat! He’s lying on the floor and making weird noises. He’s dying, I need an ambulance.”

(I was never sure if this was a prank call cause the lady sounded pretty serious.)

Me: “Well, ma’am, you really will have to call the vet yourself.”

Customer: “No! I need an ambulance. You can’t refuse to help me like this. I’ll sue you!”

Me: “…for what?”

Customer: “For neglecting help to someone in need! You could have called an ambulance already!”

Me: “You could too if you had just hang up and called somebody yourself, ma’am!”

Customer: “Fine, but if my cat dies, I’ll call you back!” *click*

(Working in tech support, I talk to some pretty dumb people every day. This was a particular highlight of the week.)

Me: “Go ahead and check the icons in the bottom right hand corner of your screen for me.”

Customer: “I have no bottom right.”

Me: “Ma’am, everything has a bottom right.”

(A customer calls our store and asks about a computer.)

Customer: “Hello, I was wondering how big the hard drives in y’all’s computers are?”

Me: “Well the largest hard drive size we have is 1 terabyte. You can get four of those–”

Customer: *cuts me off* “A terawhat? I’ve heard of a pterodactyl!” *screeches like a pterodactyl might have and hangs up the phone*

(This was my last week at a very lousy sales job working for a major jewelry manufacturer that deals exclusively with jewelers on a screened account basis.)

Me: “Thank you for calling *****. How can I help you?”

Customer: “I need a price check on a diamond.”

(We go through a drawn out process of finding the stone he wants, a large carat, high grade diamond. I quote him the price in the system.)

Customer: “That can’t be right! That’s too expensive!”

Me: “It’s the price I have in the system, sir. If you like, we can look for a different piece?”

Customer: “NO! It has to be that one! Are you sure that’s the right price?”

Me: “Yes, sir.”

Customer: “Are you absolutely certain?”

Me: “Absolutely, sir.”

Customer: “And that’s in dollars, right?”

(At this point, I’m fed up and not really concerned with whether I get fired or not at this point. I answer in my most sincere deadpan.)

Me: “No, sir. That’s in woodchucks. We deal exclusively in fresh, live woodchucks.”

(I hear a bark of laughter from one of the call monitoring agents on the next row, which gets even louder when the customer asks if I’m serious.)

(I was working in warranties for a large computer manufacturer, mostly with businesses but a few individuals came through on the line here and there.)

Me: “Thank you for calling ***. How can I help you?”

Customer: “My computer don’t work.”

Me: “I’m sorry to hear that, ma’am. Can I get the serial number off of your CPU?”

Customer: “My what?”

Me: “The computer tower.”

Customer: “Huh?”

(I’ll spare you the agony but, I went on for about 3 more minutes trying to describe the CPU and getting nowhere.)

Me: “I’m sorry, I don’t seem to be expressing myself well today. Can you describe to me all the computer parts on your desk? I’ll tell you which one the number I need is on.”

Customer: “It’s just a keyboard and a screen, like any other computer.”

Me: “Oh, you have a laptop!”

Customer: “A what?”

Me: “A little computer you can take with you. The keyboard and screen fold together with a hinge in the middle, right?”

Customer: “No, I don’t! I don’t know what is wrong with you computer people today. First the sales guy tries to sell me a bunch of sh*t I don’t need in this big box package and now you don’t even know what a computer is! Brand new today and it don’t even work.”

Me: “So…you just bought a keyboard and a monitor?”

Customer: “What’d I need all the rest uh’ that sh*t in the box for? This was way cheaper! I ain’t stupid!”

Me: “…”

(I was a toll-free operator. If a caller asked for something and there was ANY difference in the listing from what was requested, we were required to notify the caller and get approval from the caller before providing the number.)

Caller: “I would like *** insurance company in Delaware.”

Me: “I have a listing for *** insurance company, but I have it listed out of New Hampshire. Would that be acceptable?”

Caller: “New Hampshire? Where the h*ll is New Hampshire?”

Me: “It’s in New England.”

Caller: “New England?! I don’t want any New England! I need a number in the United States!”

Me, sarcastically: “Oh, I’m sorry, then. I don’t have any listed.”

(As with most customers, once you’ve told them to “right click” on something one time, they can’t help but ask you about it every few seconds…this was a special instance.)

Me: “Alright ma’am, I need you to click on the icon for me.”

Customer: “Right click or left click?”

Me: “By default, always left click, unless I say otherwise.”

Customer: “Alright.”

(5 minutes later…)

Me: “Ok, go ahead and click on that button for me.”

Customer: “Right click or left click?”

Me: “By default, always left click, unless I say otherwise.”

(5 more minutes later…)

Me: “Can you click on that icon for me ma’am?”

Customer: “Right click or left click?”

Me: “By default, always left click, unless I say otherwise.”

Customer: “You already said that like three times!”

Related:
Stupidity Is The Mother Of Repetition

(I was an 800-directory operator. We weren’t information, we just gave you 1-800 numbers.)

Caller: “Excuse me, but what state is Kentucky in?”

Me: “Well, Kentucky IS a state.”

Caller: “Yeah, but what state is it in?”

Me: “Sir, it’s not IN a state. There are 50 states, and Kentucky is one of them.”

Caller: “Well, there’s 52 states if you count Alaska and Hawaii.”

Me, sarcastically: “There’s only 52 states if you count Alaska and Hawaii TWICE. But there’s only 51 if you don’t count Kentucky.”

Caller: *click*

Me: “How may I help you?”

Customer: “I’d like to buy a Google. How much is it?”

Me: “Well, Sir, you would have to buy an internet connection, like our DSL to–”

*cuts me off*

Customer: “I don’t want to buy your f****** DSL! I want Google. My friend told me it’s the best, so I want that!”

Me: *trying not to laugh* “Sir, Google is a search engine, you really need to buy a connection package first to–”

*cuts me off again*

Customer: “I want Google! Are you listening to me? GOOGLE! HOW MUCH IS IT?”

Me: *innocently* “Oh, my guess would be a few billions, sir.”

Customer: “What? That’s ridiculous!”

Me: “I agree. However, if you buy our DSL package for $**.**, you can use Google all you want and it’ll be FREE!”

Customer: “Really? Then why would anyone ever be stupid enough to want to buy Google?”

Me: “Beats me, sir.”

Related:
She Uses The Google, Part 2
She Uses The Google