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    Possibly The Dimmest Customer Ever

    | MT, USA | Crazy Requests, Extra Stupid

    (I have just asked a customer for the serial number on his TV. He informs me he needs to get a flashlight to see it. He is silent for a minute, and then speaks up sounding rather irritated.)

    Customer: “Are you going to get me a flashlight, sir?”

    Me: “I’m sorry?”

    Customer: “I need a flashlight or you’re not getting the serial number.”

    Me: “I can’t give you a flashlight, sir. I’m only on the phone with you.”

    Customer: “Please get me a flashlight.”

    Me: “I cannot get you a flashlight. You are in Florida. I’m in Montana.”

    Customer: “Do you want my serial number or not?”

    Me: “Yes. I need it to set you up for service, but I can’t wave my hands and magically make a flashlight appear in your hand.”

    Customer: “Your service is horrible.”

    Me: *muting my phone* “I want to go home now.”

    Left Their Brain In Their Other Lifestyle

    | Brea, CA, USA | Bizarre, Language & Words

    Me: “Thank you for calling [Company]. How may I help you?”

    Customer: “Yes, I would like to order a replacement statement.”

    Me: “Okay, sure thing. First to access your account, I’ll ask a couple of verification questions.”

    Customer: “Okay!”

    Me: “May I have your address please?”

    Customer: “Address? What you mean like, where I live?”

    Me: “Yes, sir?”

    Customer: *gives address*

    (After verifying my customer I then proceed to his request.)

    Me: “Okay, sir. I have your statements ready to be sent. Would you like it sent to the address on file or an alternate?”

    Customer: “I don’t live an alternative lifestyle.  I  just want my statements.”

    No Room To Listen

    | NS, Canada | Bizarre, Hotels & Lodging, Theme Of The Month

    (I work for an office supply company and we have a points system for customers, like a lot of places do. You reach so many points, you get a couple bucks off your next purchase.)

    Me: “Thank you for calling [Company] points. How can I help you?”

    Caller: “Yes, I’ll give you my points number” *reads it off*

    Me: “Okay, thank you. I have the name coming up as [Caller]?”

    Caller: “Yes.”

    Me: “Okay, what can I do for you?”

    Caller: “Every time I book a room with you people I always get a bad price! My coworkers always get a discount!”

    Me: “Excuse me, what? D-did you need to place an order? Do you have a question about your loyalty points?”

    Caller: “NO! What is the best price you can give me for a room! My coworkers always get a good price! I’m going away in a few weeks. I need a good price! You people rip me off!”

    Me: “Are you referring to a hotel room? This isn’t a hotel chain, ma’am, this is [Company].”

    Caller: “Aren’t you listening? No! I need a room! What is the best price you can give me?”

    Me: “Ma’am… you are calling [Company]. You just told me your points number for this company. We are not a hotel. We sell office supplies.”

    Caller: “No, this is the [Hotel Chain]!”

    Me: “No… it isn’t.”

    Caller: “It isn’t?”

    Me: “No…”

    Caller: “Oh…” *click*

    This Is Why We’re In A Recession, Part 30

    | CT, USA | Extra Stupid, Money

    (I work for a cable services call center where sometimes customers call in thinking they’re talking to their local cable store.)

    Me: “Thank you for calling [Company]. My name is [My Name]. How may I help you?”

    Customer: “I want my credit card back right now!”

    Me: *confused* “I… I’m sorry ma’am. What do you mean?”

    Customer: “You heard me! I gave you guys my credit card a week ago. I want it back right now or else I’m going to call the police!”

    Me: *still confused* “I’m terribly sorry, ma’am. I have absolutely no idea what you’re talking about. Could you please explain your situation to me so that I can better assist you?”

    (The customer goes on to explain this really bizarre story where she was walking to her local cable store to make a payment, but they were closed by the time she got there. She tore off the bottom portion of her billing statement, the part that you detach and mail along with a check payment, and put that in an envelope along with her credit card and a note that read, “please process payment and mail to forwarding address.” She then dropped that envelope into the drop box near the cable store entrance. This woman actually assumed someone at the store would process her payment and mail her credit card back to her, which didn’t happen. I am sitting in my chair silently dumbfounded for at least 10 seconds at the sheer stupidity of this customer.)

    Customer: “Hello? Are you there, sir?”

    Me: “Yes, ma’am. I apologize for the long pause. I’m sorry but you are actually speaking to the call center and not the store. Have you spoken to your bank yet regarding the issue?”

    Customer: “No! Because you guys have my credit card and I want it back!! Are you going to make me drive all the way to the store just to get my card back?”

    Me: “That’s actually unnecessary as they might not be able to help you anyway. For one thing, there’s a strong possibility your card has been stolen, and—”

    Customer: “What the f***! What am I suppose to do now?”

    Me: “The first thing you want to do is contact your bank to let them know your card has been stolen.”

    Customer: *in a sarcastic tone* “And why should I have to do your dirty work?”

    Me: *in a similar sarcastic tone* “Because we’re not the ones who put a credit card into a drop box intended for check payments only.”

    Customer: “Well, smarta**, how was I suppose to make my payment, then?”

    Me: “Ma’am, you do realize that you could’ve make your payment over the phone, right?”

    Customer: “Pfft, you expect me to trust one of your reps with my credit card information?”

    Me: “Considering you dropped your credit card into a drop box blindly trusting one of the store employees to return it back to you… YES!”

    Customer: “This is f***** ridiculous! Transfer me to the department that will cancel my service. I don’t want to do business with crooks!”

    Me: “Sure. One moment, please.”

    (I transferred the lady to the retention department where I explained to the rep the bizarre story. We had a good laugh at the woman’s expense. I would later receive an e-mail from the same rep stating the notations I left behind were e-mailed to everyone in her department and mine. Everyone was in agreement that I had the craziest customer service story in the entire company.)

    Related:
    This Is Why We’re In A Recession, Part 29
    This Is Why We’re In A Recession, Part 28
    This Is Why We’re In A Recession, Part 27
    This Is Why We’re In A Recession, Part 26
    This Is Why We’re In A Recession, Part 25

    Just Got Servered

    | UK | Geeks Rule, Liars & Scammers, Technology

    (I am answering phones at a company which provides a free trial service of our main product, which we mostly sell to other businesses. Unfortunately, what many people who sign up for the trial want to do is to run ‘Minecraft’ servers, and rarely ever pay us at the end of the trial, so we institute a policy of not allowing game servers of any sort of our trial.)

    Me: “[Company]. This is [My Name]. Can I help you?”

    (The caller is pre-pubescent.)

    Caller: “Uh, I work for Mojang…?”

    Me: “No. No, you don’t.” *click*

    (My coworkers look over and stare at me for a bit. I explained, but am interrupted by the phone ringing again from the same number. I switch on the speakerphone.)

    Me: “[Company]. This is [My Name]. Can I help you?”

    Caller: “Hello, Uh, I work for Mojang. I’d like a free trial…?”

    Me: “Certainly. I’ll just need you to send us an email from your Mojang email address.”

    (I keep a straight face and voice while the rest of the office cracks up in the background.)

    Caller: *click*

    (He emailed and called in a few more times trying to get a trial, at first claiming to be from Mojang, then claiming to be from his dad’s company. We somehow saw through his cunning ploy each time. He finally fessed up that he was twelve and just wanted to play ‘Minecraft.’ We thanked him for his honesty, but did not give him a trial.)


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