Me: “Thanks for calling [company name]. How can I help you?”

Customer: “I’m calling because my bill is too high!”

Me: “Alright, I can pull up your account and see what could have caused the increase in—”

Customer: “It’s always been too high, and I think it’s this distribution charge.”

Me: “Ah, well that comes from the regulated electricity distributors, the ones that own and maintain the lines in the area. They send that information to us; we don’t have any control over that, unfortunately.”

Customer: “It’s a bulls*** charge! I don’t need no distribution!”

Me: “Well… the charge is for maintaining the electrical lines that transmit the electricity—”

Customer: “Transmitting the electricity?”

Me: “Yeah… you know, sending it out there.”

Customer: “What are you talking about? They don’t have to send it anywhere!”

Me: “I’m sorry?”

Customer: “When I turn on the lights, they just come on. I don’t have to wait for the electricity to get there, it’s already there.”

Me: “That’s not how electricity works, sir.”

Customer: “Of course it is! It turns on right away because the electricity is there. It doesn’t move!”

Me: “Sir… do you have a microwave?”

Customer: “Of course I do.”

Me: “And when you use your microwave, it works immediately, correct?”

Customer: “Right, because the electricity is already in there.”

Me: “So, why do you have to plug it in if the electricity is already there?”

Customer: “What?”

Me: “If you unplug your microwave it doesn’t work anymore, right?”

Customer: “Well, yes! What does that have to do with—”

Me: “That’s because the electricity has to travel through the cable to get to the microwave to make it work.”

(He mutters as he’s grasping for something to argue.)

Me: “Is there anything else I can help you with?”

Customer: *click*

(I am an EFL teacher and self-published writer. I am an English major and in several classes focusing on the history and structure of the English language. I am paying my way by working at a call center. I get a caller who sounds reasonably educated.)

Caller: “I want you to tell me if there is a guarantee on this product.”

Me: “I know, sir, but to cont—”

Caller: “Tell me about the guarantee before we get anywhere else.”

Me: “I’ve given you the information on my sidebar, sir. To get further details I need to advance the screen so can you just give me your name—”

Caller: “Just tell me about the guarantee! Guarantee: Latin for get your money back!”

Me: “Latinate.”

Caller: “Pardon me?”

Me: “It’s Latinate, not Latin. We acquired it from the French. Probably Parisian French but I’m not sure in that. Warranty actually comes from the same word, but Norman French has the W sound and other types of French don’t usually. Probably because the Normans were a bunch of Norse Viking types the French gave some land to in order not to be pillaged. The Normans invaded and conquered England and tried to obliterate the English language but only managed to get a bunch of words added. When the English invaded and conquered France a couple of hundred years later, they got the Parisian version of the word with the GU sound. This is why warranty has a more official and stronger meaning than guarantee.”

Caller: “Uh…”

Me: “Now, I have a specific script the client requires us to read about the guarantee. It is important that I read precisely the words they chose without interpretation. To get to that script, I need to process the first screen as if I am taking an order. I am not allowed to read from memory. If you choose not to order, then I just cancel it out and there is no order placed. Can I get your information now, sir?”

Caller: *much calmer* “All right…”

(I work at a call centre located in Canada, but our focus is verifying orders placed for long distance phone service with a particular company in America, so all our incoming calls originate from there. I am on a call with a man from a Southern state.)

Caller: “Where are you from?”

Me: “We’re located in Canada, sir.”

Caller: “Oh wow, you must see a lot of moose up there then?”

Me: “Well, maybe more so out west, sir. But we are in Southern Ontario. There aren’t really any moose here.”

Caller: “You must have a lot of snow, right?”

Me: *it’s currently summer* “Yes, during the winter we can get lots of snow.”

Caller: “How do you power your call centre?”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir? We use electricity.”

Caller: “Wouldn’t the heat from electricity melt the igloos?”

(I have to mute my headset as I laugh and try to compose myself. I want so badly to joke with him, but our calls are recorded.)

Me: “No, sir. We live in houses and buildings in cities just like you. Even way up north I don’t think you’d find any igloos anymore.”

Caller: “Really? Oh. What were you asking me again?”

(We resume the call as normal, but at the after our goodbyes, he jumps in.)

Caller: “Wait! If I give you my email, can you send me a picture of a moose?”

Me: “I’m sorry, I can’t do that.”

Caller: “Aw, how come?”

Me: “Because it’s against company policy and the moose are camera shy. Have a great day, sir!”

Related:
Yukon Freeze It

(My colleague is the customer in this transaction. He has received a letter from HM Revenue (British tax authority).)

Colleague: “Hello, I am ringing about the letter I received stating the amount due to you is £1,400!”

Tax assistant: “Well, I can help you with that. What seems to be the issue?”

Colleague: *angry at this point* “The issue is that I have just received a letter telling me that I have to pay you £1400!”

Tax assistant: *still being very polite* “Well, sir. Please calm down, let me say something.”

Colleague: “Say something? What can you say that’s going to resolve this problem?”

Tax assistant: “How about the checks in the post and you don’t owe us a penny.”

Colleague: “Oh.”

Tax assistant: “I thought that might help a little. If you had read the letter clearly you would have seen that it says ‘Amount due to you is £1,400.’”

Colleague: “Oh… erm… I’m really sorry for being a jerk.”

(I have never laughed so hard in my life.)

(I work in a customer service call center for a health plan that is also a cooperative; it’s the kind where it’s both your insurance and your doctors. On this particular call, a woman is upset because one of her claims was denied, after the referral she’d requested for the service had also been denied.)

Customer: “I don’t understand why my claims are denying.”

Me: “Ma’am, did you receive the referral letter we sent you that said that this service was denied?”

Customer: “Well, yes, but it seemed like there was a mistake, so I just threw it out!”

Me: “You threw it out?! Ma’am do you understand that that denial letter is a legal document that states we are in no way going to cover these services? Why didn’t you call us if you thought it was mistake?”

Customer: “Well I figured if it was a mistake, you guys would just find it and then I could go have this done and it would be covered!”

Me: “Do you realize that we process thousands of referrals to authorize a day? How are we supposed to know that what you requested is wrong, if you don’t tell us?”

Customer: “Don’t put this on me! You denied the referral! It was a mistake! I don’t have to pay! You have to pay!”

Me: “Ma’am, it’s not our fault you threw it away and did nothing about it. We are not going to pay for these services.”

Customer: “You are going to pay! You should have known I would throw it in the trash! You will pay! You will pay!” *click*