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    Not-So-Smartphone, Part 12

    | Boise, ID, USA | Crazy Requests, Extra Stupid, Technology

    (The phone rings and the pre-recorded “Hi, this is [My Name]. Thanks for calling,. What can I do for you?’ goes off.)

    Caller: “I WANT A FREE [Extremely Popular 4G Smartphone] IN EXCHANGE FOR MY [Not So Popular Slide-Out Phone] BECAUSE IT’S A PIECE OF CRAP AND IT’S FROZEN AND IT WON’T TURN OFF!”

    Me: “Okay, ma’am, I can certainly see how that would be frustrating! Let’s see if we can get it fixed for you today.”

    Caller: “I doubt you can fix it! This phone is stupid! I want a [4G Smartphone] instead!”

    Me: “Well, if I could do that for you I certainly would, but our system actually won’t let us process exchanges like that in the first place. And definitely not before troubleshooting! So, let’s go ahead and get it fixed up for you instead. Would you take the battery out for me, please?”

    Caller: “NO. Didn’t you understand me?! I SAID, it’s FROZEN!”

    Me: “I did understand, but you don’t have to turn the phone off first to remove the battery.”

    Caller: “…oh. IF THIS DOESN’T WORK I WANT A F****** [4G Smartphone]!”

    Me: “I’m sure this will help your phone, ma’am, but like I said, even if I wanted to, I couldn’t physically process the [4G Smartphone] for you. Our system will not allow it.”

    (The phone reboots, and everything is just fine and her phone works.)

    Me: “Okay! I’m so glad your phone is working great for you now. Can I help you with anything else?”

    Caller: “Hmph… NO. AND THE NEXT TIME THIS PHONE BREAKS, I’M JUST GOING TO SMASH IT!”

    Me: *laughing* “Well, you certainly—”

    Caller: *click*

    (She totally hung up on me, but I was going to tell her she could definitely smash the phone if she wanted, and we still couldn’t replace it with a 4G model! I had to get off the phones to laugh for a minute after that.)

    Related:
    Not-So-Smart Phone, Part 11
    Not-So-Smart Phone, Part 10
    Not-So-Smart Phone, Part 9

    Makes You Blush Red

    | OR, USA | Rude & Risque, Technology

    (I work at a call center and am talking to a 61-year-old lady about getting her cell phone service.)

    Me: “What color do you want your phone? Red or black?”

    Customer: “I think I will get black. Red might make me look like a slut.”

    A Backwards Understanding Of Technology

    | Ottawa, ON, Canada | Bizarre, Technology

    Me: “Hi, thank you for calling [Company]. How can I help you today?”

    Caller: “Are you a real person?”

    Me: “Yes, sir, I am.”

    Caller: “Really?”

    Me: “Yes, sir.”

    Caller: “How do I know you’re not just programmed to respond like that?”

    Me: “Well, sir, I guess you’ll just have to take my word on it.”

    Caller: “No, that’s no good. Tell ya what. Tell me the name of the current Prime Minister, but say it backwards.”

    Me: “Harper, Stephen.”

    Caller: “I’m still not sure I’m convinced. I think I’ll just go talk to someone at one of your stores. Bye.”

    A (Religiously) Extreme Reaction

    | San Antonio, TX, USA | Bigotry, Books & Reading, Religion

    (Our inbound services take calls for a lot of the as-seen-on-TV products. I am working there soon after 9/11 and we have a particular caller who would often call to rant about how we were a scam.)

    Me: “Thank you for calling. How may I help you today?”

    Caller: “Why the h*** would I want to buy a thing of Charlton Heston reading the Bible? Do you know what kind of a man he is?”

    Me: “You’re calling for the ‘Charlton Heston Reads the Bible’ then, sir?”

    Caller: “H***, yes, I’m calling about that. I want to know what sort of d*** outfit you’re running there that you think I’d want to buy a thing of Heston reading the Bible.”

    Me: “Well, I can’t say what you would like, sir, but a lot of people seem to like this product. It has been fairly popular. Possibly because Charlton Heston played Moses in The Ten Commandments.”

    Caller: “Like h*** he did! And like h*** this is popular. Didn’t you know that Charlton Heston was part of the NRA!”

    Me: “Yes, I was aware of that.”

    Caller: “Then why the hell would anyone let him read the Bible? You know, I’ll bet he was working with this Al Qaeda people!”

    Me: “No, sir, I’m fairly certain that Charlton Heston is affiliated with an entirely separate group of religious extremists.”

    (I somehow never got written up for this.)

    Her Ranting Leaves You Breathless

    | VA, USA | Crazy Requests, Criminal/Illegal, Liars & Scammers, Technology

    (I work in a call center for a small cell phone company. I get a call from an elderly lady about her service.)

    Customer: “I need my information to go to a different company.”

    Me: “I’d be happy to help—”

    Customer: “My phone got stolen and I’m on breathing treatments and I need a phone so I’m getting a [Other Company] phone.”

    Me: “All right, I’d be happy to help. Now, I see here that your services are currently disconnected. I do apologize. You would need to pay this balance to reconnect your service before we will be able to take your number to [Other Company].”

    Customer: *starts crying* “My phone got stolen and I can’t afford to pay this. I got texting removed at [Store] in West Virginia and reported it stolen! I didn’t do any of those charges. I’m going to tell all of my friends and family to leave you!”

    Me: “I do apologize, ma’am. I’d be happy to help and see if there’s something we can work out with you.”

    Customer: *immediately stops crying on a dime* “I’m not paying it! My bill is only supposed to be $30 a month!”

    Me: “I do apologize; I’m seeing your bill is actually $50 a month. I do see overages on your account but I’d be happy to check with another department to work with you.”

    Customer: “You don’t understand! I couldn’t get to the store to report my phone stolen because there’s only one cab in [City] in West Virginia! I couldn’t get to [Store]! My phone was stolen!”

    (The customer continues to go on for several minutes in constant ranting and doesn’t let me speak at all.)

    Me: “Ma’am, I do apologize. I’m not seeing that phone was suspended or that it’s listed here that it was reported as stolen. I’m also seeing that you’re calling from the phone—”

    (The customer then hung up. But you know… For someone on breathing treatments she certainly was long winded! I hope she found her phone!)

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