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    Their Stupidity Does Not Compute

    | BC, Canada | Extra Stupid, Technology

    (A customer was having some issues logging into her account on our website.)

    Me: “First, click on the ‘sign in’ link.”

    Customer: “I don’t see it!”

    Me: “There’s a white ‘sign in’ button on the top right corner of our website.”

    Customer: “I’m looking, I don’t see it!” *getting very frustrated*

    Me: “It’s above our logo.”

    Customer: “I know. It’s not there. I don’t see it!”

    Me: “Are you on [OurWebsite].com?”

    Customer: “…No.”

    Me: “Are you at your computer right now?”

    Customer: “…No.”

    God Help Her If She’s Using A Raspberry Pie

    | IN, USA | Extra Stupid, Food & Drink, Technology

    (I work for a company that deals with online registration for things like marathons, triathlons, little league, etc. Basically any sporting event. A lot of times people have trouble registering because of cookies on their browser.)

    Customer: *sounding close to hysterics* “It won’t work! It won’t let me register! I need to get registered for this 5k now!”

    Me: “Okay, ma’am, let me just see here. It sounds like the reason it won’t go through is because of cookies on your browser. Now, if you’ll go to the—”

    Customer: “I don’t have any cookies. I’m diabetic!”

    Needs To See The Doctor For Their Stupidity

    , | USA | Crazy Requests, Extra Stupid, Health & Body

    (I work in a call center that mainly serves as an after-hours line for local hospitals and clinics. Routine questions revealed this particular caller to be a pregnant teenager and someone who speaks English as a first language.)

    Me: “Good evening. How may I help you?”

    Patient: *using the most arrogant and condescending tone imaginable* “I need to speak to a doctor, right now!”

    Me: “Miss, are you currently experiencing an emergency? Bleeding, difficulty breathing—”

    Patient: “No, no, but this is really important!”

    Me: “Would you like me to take a message?”

    Patient: “NO! I said I need to talk to a DOCTOR, NOW!”

    (The doctor’s line is reserved for emergencies only. Nonetheless, I continue politely.)

    Me: “What seems to be the nature of the problem, miss?”

    Patient: “The doctor gave me these prenatal vitamins, and I need them to tell me how much I should take!”

    Me: “…You mean the dosage instructions printed on the side of the bottle?”

    Comprehensively Owned

    | AZ, USA | Bad Behavior

    Me: “Thank you for calling [Company]. Can I start by getting your customer number?”

    Customer: *says customer number extremely fast in irate tone*

    Me: “I’m so sorry, sir, I didn’t catch that. Could you say that one more time?”

    Customer: “Um, if you’re going to help me I’m going to need you to comprehend what I’m saying.”

    Me: “Um, if I’m going to help you I’m going to need you to speak at a rate that is comprehensible to human hearing. So one more time; customer number, please?”

    (They were polite after that.)

    An Accent Waiting To Happen

    | Kingston, NY, USA | Bad Behavior, Bigotry, Crazy Requests

    Me: “Hello and thank you for calling [Company]. My name is [My Name] and I’ll be your—”

    Caller: “I need your name and your state.”

    Me: “My name is [My Name]. And I’m sorry, but what was the other thing?”

    Caller: “I need you to spell your name and tell me what state you’re in.”

    Me: “[I spell my name] and I’m currently in New York State.”

    Caller: “You have an accent. Transfer me. I live in Houston, Texas.”

    (I have never been told I have an accent before, in fact I’ve been noted to have remarkable little accent given that I grew up in New Jersey. The woman on the phone speaks like me and has no distinguishable accent.)

    Me: “Um, where do you want me to transfer you to?”

    Caller: “You have an accent. Transfer me. I live in Houston, Texas.”

    Me: “Okay, but where do you want me to transfer you? What department?”

    Caller: “You have an accent. I can’t understand you. Transfer me. I live in Houston, Texas.”

    Me: “Okay, but I can’t—”

    Caller: “You have an accent. I can’t understand you. Transfer me. I live in Houston, Texas.”

    Me: “I can’t promise—”

    Caller: “I can’t understand you. Transfer me.”

    Me: “I can’t promise you’ll get—”

    Caller: “Transfer me.”

    Me: “—a representative from Texas—”

    Caller: “Transfer me.”

    Me: “I’m putting you—”

    Caller: “Transfer me—”

    Me: “—back in the queue—”

    Caller: “Transfer me.”

    (I put the call right back in the queue and wrote a warning in my team’s chat to anyone who gets her next. About 10 seconds later in the chat my coworker on the other side of a divider from me wrote, “I have a woman who says I have an accent and wants to be transferred, but won’t say where to. What do I do?” That’s when I noticed another coworker, also in New York State, but in a different city, had gotten this woman before me and put her back in the queue. The woman eventually hung up on my other coworker.)

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