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    Brain Unplugged

    | Canada | Extra Stupid, Technology

    (The caller is having a problem with his Internet connection that can be fixed by restarting the modem. He says he already did, and needs a tech to come out, but I can see the modem hasn’t been turned off in a very long time.)

    Me: “I’ll just have you unplug the modem for me right now, okay?”

    Caller: “Okay, it’s unplugged.”

    Me: “Okay, I can see the modem and it’s still online with us, so something else has been unplugged. It’s the skinny black wire coming out of the back of the modem. You can pull it right out of the back there; can you do that now for me please?”

    Caller: “Okay, it’s unplugged.”

    Me: “Are you sure? I can see it’s still online with us. Are there any lights lit up on the modem?”

    Caller: “Yeah, there’s a bunch and two of them are flashing.”

    Me: “Okay, well, the modem doesn’t have any batteries in there so it’s still getting power from somewhere. Can you please pull that skinny black cord right out of the back of the modem? It’ll pull right out.”

    Caller: “Yeah, it’s unplugged.”

    Me: “You pulled that skinny black cord out?”

    Caller: “Yeah, yeah, it’s unplugged.”

    Me: “And what are the lights doing?”

    Caller: “They’re the same. Still two flashing.”

    Me: “And you pulled out that cord, did you?”

    Caller: “Yeah, it’s unplugged!”

    Me: “That doesn’t seem possible for it to be getting electricity when it’s not plugged in.”

    (I can see perfectly well it’s still online and know he hasn’t unplugged it, but it’s not a type I can reboot from my end.)

    Caller: “Yeah, I told you. My Internet doesn’t work! Now can you please send me a tech?”

    Me: “Well, something certainly does seem to be wrong. The next appointment I have is in… three days.”

    Caller: “That’s fine. Thanks.”

    (I go ahead and book the tech, who will come out and get it online by unplugging it for a few seconds. For that, the caller has to wait for three days, when he could have just done what I told him to and been online again immediately!)

    Pestering Pest Control

    | TX, USA | Crazy Requests, Pets & Animals

    (I work in the call center for a property management company that offers 24-hour maintenance and pest control.)

    Me: “Thank you for calling [Company]. How may I help you?”

    Resident: *near hysterics* “There’s a pigeon in front of my house! It’s just sitting on the sidewalk!”

    Me: *confused* “How can we help you, ma’am?”

    Resident: “You need to have pest control out right now! It could be carrying bird flu! I have little kids in the house!”

    Me: “Ma’am, I’m very sorry, but we cannot have pest control out for that. It will probably just move along by itself.”

    Resident: “NO! They need to be out right away! I have errands to run and it’s just sitting there blocking my driveway!”

    (Seeing that this was going nowhere, I just took her address and told her I’d notify pest control. Needless to say they had a good laugh about it.)

    Getting A Call From The Idiot Factory

    | USA | Crazy Requests, Food & Drink, Health & Body

    Customer: “So what’s in this supplement? I don’t want the product label; tell me what it’s MADE OF.”

    Me: *after five minutes of searching and her complaining how long it was taking* “It’s made from chicken cartilage. Is that what you were wondering?”

    Customer: “Oh, I knew that. I just wanted to know if you knew.”

    Me: “…”

    Customer: “So, where are your factory locations? Do you work there? You better work there if you’re selling me these products.”

    Me: “Ma’am, I don’t work in the factory. I take phone call orders. We don’t release our manufacturing locations.”

    Customer: “Well, what kind of shady company are you?!” *hangs up*

    Not In Anyone’s Good Books

    | Bridgeport, CT, USA | Bad Behavior, Money, Religion

    Me: “Thank you for calling [Bank]. How may I help you?”

    Caller: “I have a constitutional right to have my late fee waived!”

    Me: “I’m sorry you feel that way. Please be advised that your payment didn’t post until five days after the due date, so the late fee is valid.”

    Caller: “Sir, do you realize that ‘The Good Book’ says you must forgive those of their transgressions?”

    Me: “Yes, I do. Please be advised that same book also says, ‘You reap what you sow.’ Sorry, but the late fee is valid.”

    Caller: “I suppose you’re going to tell me that the credit card agreement prevents you from doing that and that its my responsibility to have read it?”

    Me: “Correct.”

    Caller: “You know what… GO F*** YOURSELF!”

    18 And Blunder, Part 3

    | Columbus, OH, USA | Family & Kids, Movies & TV, Rude & Risque

    (I work in a satellite call center and help customers with billing as well as tech support. A customer calls in upset about her last bill.)

    Customer: “My bill is only supposed to be $67.99 a month and this month it was over $700!! I had to come home early to have time to call you about this. What are you people trying to pull on me!?”

    Me: “I will me more than happy to look at this for you as I can definitely see why this would make you upset.

    (I can immediately see the issue: two to three adult pay-per-view movies at $17.99 each have been ordered several times a day for the last two weeks.)

    Me: Looking at the bill, I think I see exactly where the problem is. Do you or your husband watch any um… mature themed movies?”

    Customer: “What!? I don’t watch that smut and besides, it’s just my son and I who live here! I don’t like what you’re insinuating! I demand you remove these charges!!”

    Me: *catching on almost immediately as I have two older sons myself* “Ahh, I think I might see the problem ma’am. Let me ask you this if I may… How old is your son?”

    Customer: “Not that it’s any of your business, but he’s 13.”

    Me: “Uh huh. And if I might ask, what time does he get out of school?”

    Customer: “He gets out of school at about two, and then gets rights to studying in his room. He’s going to go to college when he’s older. He’s absolutely brilliant. He studies all day long in there.”

    Me: “Right. Well, the reason I ask is because I can see the time these movies are ordered AND the receiver that they are ordered on. Ma’am, it looks like ALL of them are ordered on the receiver in one of the bedrooms, and ALL between the times of around 2:15 pm and about 4:30 pm. About what time do you normally get home from work, if you don’t mind me asking?”

    Customer: *getting livid about now* “Now look here, missy! I don’t like the idea that you think my son is watching that smut on TV and I most certainly don’t like the idea that you think that I would tolerate that in a Christian house like mine. I demand that you both remove this… this… filth from my bill and apologize to me for even thinking that my boy would even know what some of this… this… stuff even is!!”

    (As she’s ranting on about her beautiful, pure, Christian son I see yet another expensive adult PPV being ordered so I interrupt her tirade.)

    Me: “Ma’am! I don’t want to be rude, but is your son home right now?”

    Customer: “Yes, he is!”

    Me: “Good! Because, I see another of these movies is being ordered right now. So do this: just go in and tell me what you see, and if it’s not porn, I’ll be more than happy to remove every one of these charges.”

    Customer: “Fine! I’ll show you that my son is a good boy and—” *I hear a door open*

    Son: “MOM!” *call drops*

    (I laugh my a** off for five minutes. And no, I didn’t credit even one PPV charge.)

    Related:
    18 And Blunder, Part 2
    18 And Blunder


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