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    High On Siridipity

    | Belleville, ON, Canada | Bizarre, Technology

    (I am working as a tech support agent for a major tech company, enjoying the slow part of the day, when a call comes it. It starts off normal enough, but gets strange rather quickly.)

    Me: “Thank you for calling [Tech Company]. How can I help you today?”

    Customer: “Yeah, man, my device won’t stop talking to me.”

    Me: *can hear Siri talking in the background* “All right, I can certainly see what I can do to help you out with that.”

    (I pull up his device’s information and see that it has no extended warranty, just the complimentary 90-day time period that is about to run out.)

    Me: “All right, sir. Before we begin, would you be interested in purchasing our extended warranty?”

    Customer: “What’s that?”

    Me: *explain the details of the extended warranty*

    Customer: “Yeah, man, sounds good if I need it to stop her from talking.”

    Me: “Er… well, you don’t need it right now, but it’s a good idea to have it.”

    Customer: “If I need it for today, go ahead and set it up, man. I just… I just want to kill her so she’ll stop talking.”

    (It is at this point I realize that the customer is rather high.)

    Me: “Er… did you just say you want to kill Siri?”

    Customer: “Yeah, man. She won’t shut up. I want to kill her.”

    Me: “You mean turn her off?”

    Customer: “No, I want to kill her.”

    Me: “O-Okay, tell you what. You stay on the line. I’ll get my senior advisor on the line. He’s better suited to help you with this… situation.”

    Customer: “Okay, man. Whatever you say.”

    (I grabbed one of my senior advisors and explained the situation to him. He started laughing. I told him I was looking forward to reading the notes on the call and transferred the customer on over. I looked back at the notes later and they went as follows.)

    Notes:

    -Customer transferred over to me.

    -Customer states that he wants to kill Siri.

    -Suggest that we shut off Siri; attempt to guide customer through the steps.

    -Customer has trouble following my steps.

    -Customer proudly proclaims that Siri is now speaking Finnish.

    -Recommend to Customer that we change Siri’s language back to English.

    -Customer not willing to cooperate, wants to kill Siri.

    -Recommend that he sleep the rest of the night and give us a call back the next morning.

    His Name Is Olaf And He Likes Hot Cheeseburgers

    | AZ, USA | Awesome Customers, Bizarre, Food & Drink

    (I am a male and take chats from the website of a large North American cable company.)

    Me: “Thank you for choosing [Company] sales chat! My name is [My Name]. May I have your name, please?”

    Customer: “Yes, [My Name], it’s Olaf!”

    Me: “Hello, Olaf! How may I assist you today?”

    Customer: “I need Internet, and I have a few questions. One: which service is best for gaming. Two: how much is a rental modem, and do you like cheeseburgers?”

    Me: “Well, Olaf, that would be [Product], that modem is $3.99 per month, and I love cheeseburgers! Now, let’s get this ordered. I’ll be on with you to make sure all goes well!”

    (The customer goes through the order without interruption, and an order number populates my screen.)

    Me: “I see that order is [number]! Is there anything else I can assist you with today?”

    Customer: “Well, [My Name], that was easy! I have to say, my name really isn’t Olaf. It’s too bad I’m married, because I think I have a crush on you.”

    Me: “Ha ha ha, And I, you, Not-Olaf!”

    Customer: “If only this did not have to end.”

    Me: “Alas, Not-Olaf all things come to an end. So I must ask: is there anything else I can do for you today?”

    Customer: “D***, I knew you would say that! But I guess I’ve bothered you enough. Goodbye, sexy.”

    Me: “Bye Not-Olaf! This made my day!”

    (Customer closes chat.)

    It’s An Acquired Taste

    | Fort Collins, CO, USA | Bad Behavior, Money, Wild & Unruly

    (I work in acquisitions for a major credit card company. We’re the people you call when you want to sign up for a new credit card, or to be taken off the mailing list for pre-approved credit card offers. This day, I am listening in to help train a new employee. I’ve been explaining to her some of the things about this department before she takes any calls.)

    Me: “So, a lot of calls you get will be people wanting to be removed from the mailing list for pre-approved offers. It’s usually not a big deal, but some people make it way bigger of a deal than they need to. So, get used to a lot of yelling and verbal abuse.”

    New Employee: “Oh, well, I worked in Retention before transferring here. I had to deal with all SORTS of angry customers trying to cancel their credit cards, so I know how to diffuse angry customers.”

    (The phone rings.)

    New Employee: “Thank you for calling [Credit Card]. My name is [New Employee]. How can I help you today?”

    Customer: “Yeah, you can take me off your d*** mailing list!”

    New Employee: “Okay, I’d be happy to help you with that. First I just need—”

    Customer: “I can’t believe you people keep sending me this crap! As if I don’t have enough junk mail to deal with already!”

    New Employee: “I’m terribly sorry to hear that, but—”

    Customer: “And you f****** scam artists, always trying to swindle people with your credit scams! Probably selling my social security number to everyone you know! What if someone else had stolen my mail and filled out this offer in my name?!”

    New Employee: “Ma’am, I’m sorry, but to—”

    Customer: “Do you know how much of a headache you cause me with your d*** f****** junk mail?! I oughtta sue all your a**** for everything you’re worth!”

    New Employee: “Ma’am—”

    Customer: “You haven’t heard the last of me! I’ll tell everyone I f****** know to stay away from you! All you’ve done is harass me!”

    New Employee: “Ma’am, can I—”

    Customer: “Well, F*CK YOU!” *slams down the phone, ending the call*

    Me: “Welcome to Acquisitions.”

    Not-So-Smartphone, Part 12

    | Boise, ID, USA | Crazy Requests, Extra Stupid, Technology

    (The phone rings and the pre-recorded “Hi, this is [My Name]. Thanks for calling,. What can I do for you?’ goes off.)

    Caller: “I WANT A FREE [Extremely Popular 4G Smartphone] IN EXCHANGE FOR MY [Not So Popular Slide-Out Phone] BECAUSE IT’S A PIECE OF CRAP AND IT’S FROZEN AND IT WON’T TURN OFF!”

    Me: “Okay, ma’am, I can certainly see how that would be frustrating! Let’s see if we can get it fixed for you today.”

    Caller: “I doubt you can fix it! This phone is stupid! I want a [4G Smartphone] instead!”

    Me: “Well, if I could do that for you I certainly would, but our system actually won’t let us process exchanges like that in the first place. And definitely not before troubleshooting! So, let’s go ahead and get it fixed up for you instead. Would you take the battery out for me, please?”

    Caller: “NO. Didn’t you understand me?! I SAID, it’s FROZEN!”

    Me: “I did understand, but you don’t have to turn the phone off first to remove the battery.”

    Caller: “…oh. IF THIS DOESN’T WORK I WANT A F****** [4G Smartphone]!”

    Me: “I’m sure this will help your phone, ma’am, but like I said, even if I wanted to, I couldn’t physically process the [4G Smartphone] for you. Our system will not allow it.”

    (The phone reboots, and everything is just fine and her phone works.)

    Me: “Okay! I’m so glad your phone is working great for you now. Can I help you with anything else?”

    Caller: “Hmph… NO. AND THE NEXT TIME THIS PHONE BREAKS, I’M JUST GOING TO SMASH IT!”

    Me: *laughing* “Well, you certainly—”

    Caller: *click*

    (She totally hung up on me, but I was going to tell her she could definitely smash the phone if she wanted, and we still couldn’t replace it with a 4G model! I had to get off the phones to laugh for a minute after that.)

    Related:
    Not-So-Smart Phone, Part 11
    Not-So-Smart Phone, Part 10
    Not-So-Smart Phone, Part 9

    Makes You Blush Red

    | OR, USA | Rude & Risque, Technology

    (I work at a call center and am talking to a 61-year-old lady about getting her cell phone service.)

    Me: “What color do you want your phone? Red or black?”

    Customer: “I think I will get black. Red might make me look like a slut.”

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