Wish You Could Firewall These Customers

, | St. Louis, MO, USA | Extra Stupid, Technology

Me: “Thank you for calling [ISP]. How can I help you?”

Customer: “Yeah, my computer is on fire. What should I do?”

Me: “Call the fire department! Why are you calling us? You should try to put it out!”

Customer: “It’s your fault, though! What are you going to do about my computer?”

Me: “Sir, I strongly advise you trying to put out the fire before we continue. There is nothing we can do about your computer being on fire.”

Customer: “Look here! I was following your instructions on the CD that came with the kit. It told me to install the ethernet adaptor. I opened my laptop, put the green card inside, put it back together, and now it’s on fire.”

Me: “Whoa! Wait, you said you got a green ethernet card, and you opened your laptop up and put it in there?”

Customer: “Yes! Now what are you going to do about my computer being on fire!”

Me: “Sir, the adaptor we sent you was for a desktop computer, not for a laptop. There is no way that the card supplied will work for your computer. We could have assisted you had you called in prior to you attempting to install the adaptor, when you could not find a place to plug it in. Instead you slammed it all together, and caused your own fire hazard. I strongly suggest that you call the fire department, or try to put out the fire yourself while the firefighters arrive. There is nothing that I can do to support you at this time.”

Customer: “But what is [ISP] going to do about my computer?!”

Utah Is Not Her Calling

| UT, USA | Health & Body

(I used to work in a very different kind of call center. People who lived in California would call us in Utah to make an appointment for their doctors. But we weren’t allowed to tell them we were in Utah, so we had to act like we were actually in California, at the front desk of the doctor’s office.)

Me: “[Company]. This is [My Name]. How can I help you today?”

Customer: “Yes, I need to talk to the nurse right away!”

Me: “Okay, no problem, ma’am. I’m just going to need to open up your file real fast. Can I get your last name and birth date?”

Customer: “No. You’re in f***** Utah. I don’t want to give you s***. You’ll steal my identity.”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but I am unable to transfer you over to your nurse unless I have your information.”

Customer: “F*** you!” *hangs up*

(About five minutes later I get the same lady again and go through the regular routine.)

Customer: “I’m going to call the police and the newspapers and let them know that you’re stealing our jobs!”

Me: “I’m sorry you’re upset, ma’am. I can try to get you to a nurse, but that means I have to put you on hold”

Customer: “You’re going to go to jail because you stole our jobs! You will not put me on hold or I will press charges!”

(I tried to work with her more but she was not having it. She ended up just hanging up on me. I finally was able to open her file, because I guess I wasn’t the only person she threatened that day. She never called me back, but I later found out that she stormed into the doctor’s office and they ended up having to call the cops to escort her out.)

Radiating With Stupidity

| Estonia | Extra Stupid, Family & Kids, Technology

(An English-speaking client is trying to get some information about a guitar festival that is supposed to take place that day. He says his wife had talked to someone earlier about it but I’m having trouble finding any information about a guitar festival at all.)

Me: “May I please call you back in a few minutes? I’ll try to find out who was talking to your wife earlier and where she found the information.”

Client: “No, that’s not an option. You see, I can’t use this phone around my children because of the radiation. I’m standing outside of the car right now.”

I’m Not La La Laughing

| San Antonio, TX, USA | Bad Behavior, Bizarre

(I’m listening in on a call my husband/coworker is taking.)

Husband: “Ma’am, I apologize, your assumption was not correct. The service is not transferable and must be used by the end of next month. This information is stated on our website and on the receipt we sent you at the time of purchase.”

Caller: “La la la la la la la la!”

Husband: “Ma’am, I can continue to assist you but we need to have this conversation like grown-ups. If you insist on acting like a child, I will have to put you in time out by hanging up”

Caller: “Well, f*** you!” *click*

Me: “Aren’t you glad you married me instead of someone like that?”

Husband: “If you acted like that, we wouldn’t have even started dating.”

Tree Talk

| The Philippines | Bizarre

(I receive a call from a guy who’s calling on behalf of his friend and acting as the account owner. It’s pretty obvious because I can hear the account owner in the background providing his account info.)

Me: “Hi, my name is [My Name]; may I have your phone number, please?”

Friend: *whispers* “Dude, what’s your phone number?”

Account Owner: *from the background* “It’s [number].”

Friend: “Hi, yes. It’s [number].”

Me: “Thank you! Now, may I have your name?”

Friend: *whispers* “Dude, what is the complete name on your account?”

Account Owner: *from the background* “It’s [Full Name].”

Friend: “Sure, [Full Name].”

(The friend kept chatting with the account owner and is no longer paying attention to what I’m asking.)

Me: “[Name]!”

Friend: “Oh! I’m sorry about that. Can you please repeat your question?”

Me: “This is the last time I will ask this question, if I don’t get the answer I will have to disconnect this call! What… is… the.. name… of… the STREEEET… that you grew up on?!”

Friend: *he is rattled and whispers* “Dude, what’s the name of TREE that you grew up on?”

Account Owner: *from the background* “What the f***, dude?”

Friend: “Didn’t you ask for the tree name?”

Account Owner: *now shouting from the background* “Just what the f*** is your problem with me? Stop messing around! If you wanna play, wait for your turn!”

Me: *laughing and can barely speak* ” “Uh, sir…”

Friend: *shaky voice* “What is it you are asking for?”

Me: “I’m asking for the name of the… name of the…” *mute and laugh* “streeeet, please.”

Friend: *click*

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