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    Spending Your Way Out Of Debt

    | Vancouver, BC, Canada |

    Me: “Thank you for calling, how can I help you?”

    Customer: “Hi there, I got these promotional cheques at 3.9% for my Visa card. I was wondering if I can pay my Visa bill with them.”

    Me: “No miss, the funds will be coming out of your Visa account. Therefore, you can’t pay the Visa with the same Visa account.”

    Customer: “Why? I don’t see why not…”

    Me: “… because the funds will be coming out of your Visa account. It doesn’t make it a lesser balance, it makes it a higher balance. Therefore, you can’t pay your Visa with the same Visa.”

    Customer: “I think this is stupid. I should be able to do whatever I want with my cheques.”

    Me: “Do you write yourself cheques with your bank account to yourself, and not have to pay for it?”

    Customer: “Well, no… that’s just silly.”

    Me: “Do you see how it works, then?”

    Customer: “Yeah, I guess. But I should still be able to do it!”

    Nothin’ Like Some Tough Lovin’

    , | Tempe, AZ, USA | Top

    (I work for an internet billing company that mostly does work with porn sites.)

    Me: “Thank you for calling *** Consumer Support. How can I help you?”

    Customer: “Yeah, I got some charges on my card, and I wanna know what the heck’s goin’ on.”

    Me: “No problem sir. If I can get the card number, I’ll be happy to help out.”

    (He gives me his card, and I go through the process of looking it up and getting his info.)

    Me: “Alright sir, it looks like I have a subscription here to pornking.com. Is that familiar?”

    Customer: “Yeah, I know that. Hold on a sec. RANDY!!!”

    (I hear him shouting at someone in the background, and then the sounds of someone getting the ever-loving crap beaten out of them.)

    Customer: “Alright, I done took care of the charges. Can you cancel that for me?”

    Me: “… sure. I’ve canceled it from further billing now for you.”

    Customer: “Alright, you have a nice day.” *click*

    The War Of 1812 Redux

    | Winnipeg, Canada | Top

    (I’ve just finished setting up this individual’s service call to get a technician out to his house. I flub a few words, because it’s 2 in the morning.)

    Me: “So the technician will be out sometime between 8 and 6 pm next Tuesday, then.”

    Customer: “Is this call center located in The United States of America?”

    Me: “Actually, we’re outsourced. I’m in Canada.”

    Customer: “BECAUSE IN THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA, 6 COMES BEFORE 8 YOU STUPID F**K. BE HAPPY THAT I DON’T DISCONNECT MY SERVICE FOR SOMETHING LIKE THIS, YOU G***D**N FOREIGNER!”

    Me: “…thank you for calling, have a great day!”

    Customer: *hangs up*

    Liar Liar Panties On Fire

    , | San Diego, CA, USA |

    Me: “Hi, I understand that you’re having problems with your delivery.”

    Customer: “Yes, your stupid SOB driver won’t deliver to my apartment. I saw him through the window and thought he’d be right up, but he never came up.”

    Me: “Ma’am, I see that you live in an apartment complex, is there a security code or call box on the gate that the driver would need to use to gain access to your complex?”

    Customer: “There isn’t a call box or a gate code. The gates stay locked all day.”

    Me: “Well, without a gate code or a call box at the gate, my driver can’t get through to your gate. Furthermore, if you saw him outside of the complex, why didn’t you go out to greet him?”

    Customer: “That’s not my problem. I shouldn’t have to leave my apartment to get my package. It’s your job to deliver it to my door.”

    Me: “Actually, it is your problem if you’d like to receive your package today.”

    Customer: “You can’t speak to me like that! I demand to speak to your supervisor!

    Me: “Ma’am, I *am* the supervisor. I also dispatch to the driver to reattempt delivery to your address.”

    Customer: “I still don’t see why I have do half of your job. You’re the delivery company.”

    Me: “No problem ma’am. We’ll bring it back to the building tonight and we’ll try it again tomorrow. If we can’t reach your door tomorrow, then we’ll try again a third time and after that if it gets sent back to the shipper, you’ll have to address it with them.”

    Customer: “NO! NO! NO! Fine! I’ll prop the gate open, it’s medication that I need today!”

    Me: *looks in system, it’s Victoria Secret*

    If Exes Ruled The World

    , | Costa Mesa, CA, USA |

    Customer: “I want to cancel my ex-husband’s policy.”

    Me: “Are you on the policy with him?”

    Customer: “No, but his new girlfriend is. That’s why I’d like it canceled.”

    Me: “You can’t cancel a policy that isn’t yours.”

    Customer: “Why not?! It used to be my policy!”

    Me: “Well, because you no longer have authorization to make such a change.”

    Customer: “Well, he didn’t have authorization to bring that ***** into my house, but he did it anyways. I’m pretty sure you can cancel his policy.”

    Me: “I’m pretty sure you need to see a therapist. Thanks for calling.”

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