November Theme Of The Month: Black Friday!

As The Price Decreases, So Does Brain Cell Count

| Minneapolis, MN, USA | Uncategorized

Customer: “I have a coupon here that says 25% off. What does that mean?”

Me: “It means you get 25% off.”

Customer: “Huh?”

Me: “You will get 25% off your total price.”

Customer: “I don’t understand. Why does it say that?”

Me: “It’s a discount. They’ll give you a cheaper price.”

Customer: “Huh? This coupon doesn’t make sense.”

Me: “When you give your coupon to the attendant, they’ll take 25% off your ticket price.”

Customer: “I don’t have a coupon.”

Me: “…”

By Doing Nothing, The Problem Solves Itself

| Minneapolis, MN, USA | Uncategorized

Customer: *on the phone* “I’m turning you in for mail fraud! I don’t want any more of your stuff!”

Me: *checking* “OK, you were already taken off the list a few weeks ago.”

Customer: “Well, I don’t want your magazine!”

Me: “I’ll need to transfer you to the magazine department so they can cancel that for you.”

Customer: “I don’t get the magazine!”

Me: “So you’re only getting DVDs, then?

Customer: “I haven’t gotten any DVDs!”

Me: “So…what are you getting from us?”

Customer: “Nothing!”

Me: “OK…then I guess you’re all set…”

Customer: “OK!” *hangs up*

Unhappily Ever After

| Maryland, USA | Uncategorized

Caller: “I want to check the status of my form to withdrawal my account.”

Me: “I’m sorry Sir, but you gave conflicting information on the form. In the section where it asked if you were married, you marked both ‘Yes’ and ‘No’.’

Caller: “…and?”

Me: “Well, sir, that is conflicting information, so it was kicked out of the system.”

Caller: “So, what should I mark?”

Me: “Well, are you married or not?”

Caller: “I’m married… but I don’t like her.”

Me: “It sounds like you’re separated, but just to check, are you legally married?”

Caller: “Yes, but I don’t feel like I’m married.”

Me: “If you aren’t legally divorced, you’ll need to mark that you are married.”

Caller: “But I don’t LIKE her!”

Also seen on: Not Always Romantic

Pepperoni Pizza With A Side Of Pointless Paranoia

, | Montreal, QC, Canada | Top

Me: “9-1-1, police, fire, or ambulance?”

Caller: “Help, please God, help!”

Me: “Sir, what’s the emergency?”

Caller: “Someone’s trying to break into my house! Please, send the cops!”

Me: “Calm down… the police are well on the way as we are talking.”

Caller: “I don’t want to die! Oh my God, why me?”

Me: “Sir, take a deep breath. Do you know this person?”

Caller: “Yeah, I ordered some pizza, I paid, and he gave it to me. I can see through the window it’s him… he’s pounding on my door trying to get in! Where are the cops?!”

Me: “Sir, I’ll stay on the phone with you if it makes you feel safer. Can you yell what he wants?”

Caller: “Okay…” *yells toward the door* “What do you want, man?!”

Pizza guy: *faintly, behind the door* “You forgot your change!”

My Biggest And Loudest Fan

| Florida, USA | Top

(I worked for a university, calling alumni to ask for donations.)

Alumnus: *on the phone* “Do they monitor your calls there?”

Me: “Sometimes. That’s how they evaluate me.”

Alumnus: “Are they monitoring this call right now?”

Me: “I’m not sure; it’s at random times to keep me on my toes.”

Alumnus: “Well, just in case – SHE’S DOING A GREAT F***ING JOB, BIG BROTHER!”