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    You Can Lead A Horse To Water…

    | Rancho Cordova, CA, USA |

    (A young man from Fullerton, CA calls to get our address in Rancho Cordova, CA)

    Him: “Rancho Cordova? What coast is that on?”

    Me: “We are in California, just like you.”

    Him: “Oh…so, East?”

    Bird Brained

    | Nottingham, UK |

    Me: “Hello, telephone orders.”

    Customer: “Hi, I’ve just seen a bird in my back garden.”

    Me: “That’s very nice madam. Would you like to place an order?”

    Customer: “It’s kind of a black and white colour, and quite large…”

    Me: “Okay, Madam. Did you want to place an order with us today?”

    Customer: “What type of bird do you think it is? It’s very unusual.”

    Me: “Erm, I’m afraid I can’t help you Madam. I’m just a call center operative.”

    Customer: “But don’t you know about birds? Aren’t you the RSPB (Royal Society for the Protection of Birds)?”

    Me: “No Madam. We’re just a trading company.”

    Customer: “Well, my brochure says RSPB on it.”

    Me: “That’s correct. [But] we’re a trading company. We have lots of different charity catalogues. You actually need to call the RSPB Head Office.”

    Customer: “But it says on this catalogue that you are the RSPB. Surely you must be able to tell me what type of bird it is. It’s so pretty. Oh, oh, oh ….. oh dear, I thought it was going to fly off then. Stay little birdy. Don’t go away. Good birdy.”

    Me: “So would you like the number for the RSPB then?”

    Customer: “So who are you?”

    (This goes on and on and on, with intermittent monologue about what the bird is actually doing and what she’s fed it)


    For The Money I Pay, It Should Drive Itself

    | Washington, USA | Top

    Customer: “Hi, I have a Mercedes. How do I adjust my rear view mirror?”

    Me: (Wasn’t sure if she was serious) “Well, you must manually adjust your rear view mirror.”

    Customer: “What do you mean?”

    Me: “Umm…take your hand and move the mirror so you can see.”

    Someone Needs To Get Out More

    , | Unknown Location | Top

    Me: “Emergency veterinary clinic, how can I help you?”

    Caller: *worried female voice* “My dog has a red thing on him.”

    Me: “Is it actively bleeding?”

    Caller: “No.”

    Me: “Where is it located?”

    Caller: “On his tummy.”

    Me: “Can you describe it to me? How large is it? Does it look more like a cut, a rash or an abrasion?”

    Caller: “It looks like a little stick of lipstick.”

    Me: “That’s his p****.”

    Caller: *hangs up*


    911 Grab Bag: Define “Emergency”

    , | West Virginia, USA |

    (The following quotes are from various phone calls made to a West Virginia 911 line)

    1. “What are the Daily Pick Four lottery numbers?”

    2. “My TV is out.”

    3. “How much snow/rain are we supposed to get?”

    4. “Is it illegal to tape a cat to a bottle rocket?”

    5. “I want to report a fraud. The government is lying to us all.”

    6. “How high are gas prices going to get?”

    7. “Why am I getting Error Message #781 on my computer screen?”

    8. “I have never roasted a turkey before and my inlaws will be here in an hour.”

    9. “I am reading this recipe. What is fennel?”

    10. “I am doing my homework. What is the square root of 435?”

    11. “Are crabs in season?”

    12. “I wanna talk to a cop about my child support if you can drag one away from the donut shop.”

    13. “I just wanted to make sure you were all awake.”

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