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    Today, We Are All Roberts

    | Buenos Aires, Argentina |

    Me: “Good morning, welcome to *****. My name is July, how can I help you?”

    Caller: “I was told I was going to talk with Robert, so you’re Robert.”

    Me: “It must have been a mistake. How can I help you?”

    Caller: “Well, Robert…”

    (Knowing I’m not going to get through to him, I give up. He keeps calling me “Robert” during the whole call.)

    What They Really Think

    | Sydney, Australia |

    Me: “Sir, I’m afraid your SIM card has been destroyed due to entering your PUK code too many times. You will have to get a new one.”

    Customer: “Ok, thanks.”

    (Some moments pass and he hasn’t hung up. I put the phone on mute.)

    Customer: “Stupid b**ch!” *miscellaneous other insults*

    *mute off*

    Me: “Uh, sir, you might want to disconnect the line, I’m still here.”

    Customer: “OH F***!” *click*

    Fun Things To Do On Your Last Day

    | San Antonio, TX, USA |

    (My friend worked in the phone service department of an undergarment company. One day he got a call from an unhappy woman. We’ll call him David.)

    Customer: “Yes, I’m calling to see why my order hasn’t arrived yet.”

    David: “Could you please give me some information about your order?”

    (The customer then goes on to inform him that her gargantuan pair of panties designated by untold numbers of X’s have yet to arrive and she’s very upset.)

    David: “Well you see ma’am, the cargo plane that your panties were on lost power and the pilot had to use them to parachute to safety.”

    (The customer did not have a sense of humor. David was promptly fired. True Story.)

    A Nasty Case Of Selective Illiteracyosis

    | Akron, OH, USA |

    (Back story: We had a buy 2, get 1 free sale right after Christmas. The sign clearly said “lowest item free”.)

    Customer: “Hi, I’d like to buy these…” *shows me two $2.99 games for the Gamecube* “…and get this one free.” *shows me a used copy of Halo 3 for $54.99*

    Me: “I’d like a million dollars.”

    Customer: “I’m serious!”

    Me: “So am I, sir. I’m sorry, thats not how the buy 2 get 1 free works. You’d get one of the $2.99 games free.”

    Customer: “THAT’S NOT WHAT THE SIGN SAYS! IT SAYS BUY 2 GET 1 FREE!”

    (I take the sign off wall and reads it to customer.)

    Me: “Buy 2 games get one free on all used games. Please note that the lowest priced item will be free.”

    Customer: “That’s not what the sign says! I’m going to sue you for false advertising!”

    Me: “Sir, I don’t believe you can sue me because you can’t read.”

    If Only It Grew On Trees, Part 2

    | London, UK |

    (I work in a local government call centre and take calls from the residents about all kinds of things–including education.)

    Customer: “Hi, I got your booklet about the school meals and it said I can get a grant for clothing.”

    Me: “That would be the school uniform grant. Could I take yours and your child’s details? I can send you an application form.”

    Customer: “I don’t have kids, can’t I have the money for myself? I’m on income support.”

    Me: “The grant is for the school uniform sir, and it is only available for children.”

    Customer: “So I can’t have the money for myself?”

    Me: “Um…no.”

    Customer: “For f**k’s sake!” *hangs up*

    (I wasn’t sure if he wanted the money for normal clothes, or wanted to buy himself an actual school uniform.)

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    If Only It Grew On Trees

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