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    If Only It Grew On Trees

    | Thunder Bay, ON, Canada |

    (I was doing rebates for cellphones at the time…)

    Me: “Thank you for calling ****. How may I help you?”

    Customer: “Okay, so I want my rebate.”

    Me: “Alright, all I need from you is the cellphone number.”

    Customer: “I don’t have one.”

    Me: “…you don’t have a cellphone number?”

    Customer: “No, but I want my rebate.”

    Me: “So, you do know that in order to receive a rebate, you actually need to purchase a cellphone?”

    Customer: “For **** sakes. You’re telling me that in order to get MY rebate, I need to go out, waste MY gas, and with MY money, buy a cellphone?”

    Me: “Well, that would be the general idea of getting a reimbursement on something you had purchased.”

    Customer: “But I just want the money back…”

    Me: “Well, it’s not like this is free money.”

    Customer: “…it’s not?”

    Me: “No.”

    (After about 20 seconds of silence, the customer hangs up.)

    The Agony And The Ecstasy

    | Virginia, USA | Top

    (I was working for a call center that exclusively dealt with UPS)

    Me: “Thank you for calling, how may I help you?”

    Client: “I need to track a package.”

    Me: “I would be happy to help you with that. Do you have a tracking number?”.

    Client: “Yes, I do…” *proceeds to read off the tracking number*

    Me: “I’m sorry, however that’s not coming up as a valid tracking number…there doesn’t appear to be enough numbers. Could you read it to me again?”

    (The client gives me the number again, to no avail. I spend the next few minutes attempting to use what information was available to try and locate the package…with the client coming close to tears when I am unsuccessful. Finally, her boyfriend comes on the line, proceeds to yell at and berate me, using all sorts of expletives; due to my inability to find this package.)

    Client’s boyfriend: “Look, I can’t understand why you cannot locate this package. I mean, I have the tracking number. It says right here, FEDEX TRACKING NUMBER!!!”


    Client’s boyfriend: *sheepishly* “This is UPS, isn’t it?”

    Me: “Yep. Is there anything else I can help you with?”


    I Sense A Rejection Letter

    , | Mount Vernon, IA, USA |

    Me: “Hi, my name is ***** at ******** College, and I’m calling this evening to talk to ***** about her college search. Is she available?”

    Older man who answered: “Sorry, she’s still got a few weeks left in jail.”

    Me: “Uh…okay. Would you mind just taking down a couple pieces of contact information for her?”

    Man: “I could take it, but I just don’t know how well it’d go, what with all the drugs she’s on right now.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, is this a joke?”

    Man: “No, no joke…”

    You Can Lead A Horse To Water…

    | Rancho Cordova, CA, USA |

    (A young man from Fullerton, CA calls to get our address in Rancho Cordova, CA)

    Him: “Rancho Cordova? What coast is that on?”

    Me: “We are in California, just like you.”

    Him: “Oh…so, East?”

    Bird Brained

    | Nottingham, UK |

    Me: “Hello, telephone orders.”

    Customer: “Hi, I’ve just seen a bird in my back garden.”

    Me: “That’s very nice madam. Would you like to place an order?”

    Customer: “It’s kind of a black and white colour, and quite large…”

    Me: “Okay, Madam. Did you want to place an order with us today?”

    Customer: “What type of bird do you think it is? It’s very unusual.”

    Me: “Erm, I’m afraid I can’t help you Madam. I’m just a call center operative.”

    Customer: “But don’t you know about birds? Aren’t you the RSPB (Royal Society for the Protection of Birds)?”

    Me: “No Madam. We’re just a trading company.”

    Customer: “Well, my brochure says RSPB on it.”

    Me: “That’s correct. [But] we’re a trading company. We have lots of different charity catalogues. You actually need to call the RSPB Head Office.”

    Customer: “But it says on this catalogue that you are the RSPB. Surely you must be able to tell me what type of bird it is. It’s so pretty. Oh, oh, oh ….. oh dear, I thought it was going to fly off then. Stay little birdy. Don’t go away. Good birdy.”

    Me: “So would you like the number for the RSPB then?”

    Customer: “So who are you?”

    (This goes on and on and on, with intermittent monologue about what the bird is actually doing and what she’s fed it)


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