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    Hippocrates Is Rolling Over In His Grave

    , | Southern Illinois, USA |

    Me: “Thank you for calling, how can I help you?”

    Doctor: “I need to verify my patient’s coverage. Her number is *****.”

    Me: I’m sorry, ma’am, but there is a problem and I can’t access that account. I will have to forward this issue over to our technical department and they will get back to you as soon as possible.”

    Doctor: “I need this information immediately. Can I talk to them now? It’s very important.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, they are very backed up over there and everything is handled in the order it is received. You will be added to the queue and they will get back to you later today.”

    Doctor: “What if she was DYING and I needed her coverage information? What then?!”

    Me: “Ma’am, with all due respect, if the patient was dying there in your office, I would hope you would treat her regardless of her insurance coverage.”

    Doctor: “Well, yes–I mean–just make sure they call me today.” *click*

    Even Paranoid Racist Nutjobs Have Bad Days

    | Lake Mary, FL, USA | Top

    (Note: The cell phone provider I worked for does not have call centers outside of North America.They have some in Canada, but that is irrelevant to the following transaction.)

    Me: “Thank you for calling C*** Wireless. How can I help you?”

    Customer: “I want a credit to my account.”

    Me: “Well, I can certainly see what I can do for you sir. What seems to be the issue?”

    Customer: “Where am I calling currently?”

    Me: “Customer service, sir…?”

    Customer: “Where are you located?”

    Me: “Lake Mary, Florida.”

    Customer: “I want a credit because the last person I spoke to from your company was in India.”

    Me: “Sir, we don’t have call centers in India. All our call centers are in North America.”

    Customer: “Well, the person I just spoke with had a very heavy middle eastern accent and told me his name was Sam. Now I know he was lying to me, so I want a credit applied to my bill!”

    Me: “Sir, this is the United States of America. There are many people in this nation with varying accents. I cannot credit you for speaking to an American with an accent.”

    Customer: “I want to talk to your supervisor!”

    Me: “Sir, I would be more than happy to allow you to speak with my supervisor. His name is Muhammed Alam… we call him ‘Moe’ for short. ”

    Customer: *click*

    Impersonating Your Boss: FAIL

    | Sydney, Australia |

    Woman: “I am speaking on behalf of my boss. He wants a tax statement… what do I need to do?”

    Me: “You need to put your boss on the phone so I can talk to him about this.”

    Woman: “No. ”

    Me: “Sorry?”

    Woman: “He has given me verbal consent to speak on his behalf.”

    Me: “Well, unfortunately I wont be able to do that. I will need to speak to your boss directly.”

    Woman: “Why?”

    Me: “Because I need to do a security check with him to protect his privacy.”

    Woman: “What privacy?”

    Me: “… his personal information.”

    Woman: “He refuses to deal with you himself.”

    Me: “Unfortunately he will HAVE to deal with us himself for us to organise this statement for him. Verbal consent is not valid as we hold very private information about our clients.”

    Woman: *deepens voice, obviously attempting to sound like a man* “Okay then, my name is [boss' name], I was born on [birthdate] and this is my card.”

    Me: “I’m sorry ma’am. I know that you are not your boss. We do need to speak to Mr. **** himself. Is there anything else i can help with?”

    Woman: “F**K YOU!”

    Spending Your Way Out Of Debt

    | Vancouver, BC, Canada |

    Me: “Thank you for calling, how can I help you?”

    Customer: “Hi there, I got these promotional cheques at 3.9% for my Visa card. I was wondering if I can pay my Visa bill with them.”

    Me: “No miss, the funds will be coming out of your Visa account. Therefore, you can’t pay the Visa with the same Visa account.”

    Customer: “Why? I don’t see why not…”

    Me: “… because the funds will be coming out of your Visa account. It doesn’t make it a lesser balance, it makes it a higher balance. Therefore, you can’t pay your Visa with the same Visa.”

    Customer: “I think this is stupid. I should be able to do whatever I want with my cheques.”

    Me: “Do you write yourself cheques with your bank account to yourself, and not have to pay for it?”

    Customer: “Well, no… that’s just silly.”

    Me: “Do you see how it works, then?”

    Customer: “Yeah, I guess. But I should still be able to do it!”

    Nothin’ Like Some Tough Lovin’

    , | Tempe, AZ, USA | Top

    (I work for an internet billing company that mostly does work with porn sites.)

    Me: “Thank you for calling *** Consumer Support. How can I help you?”

    Customer: “Yeah, I got some charges on my card, and I wanna know what the heck’s goin’ on.”

    Me: “No problem sir. If I can get the card number, I’ll be happy to help out.”

    (He gives me his card, and I go through the process of looking it up and getting his info.)

    Me: “Alright sir, it looks like I have a subscription here to pornking.com. Is that familiar?”

    Customer: “Yeah, I know that. Hold on a sec. RANDY!!!”

    (I hear him shouting at someone in the background, and then the sounds of someone getting the ever-loving crap beaten out of them.)

    Customer: “Alright, I done took care of the charges. Can you cancel that for me?”

    Me: “… sure. I’ve canceled it from further billing now for you.”

    Customer: “Alright, you have a nice day.” *click*

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