October Theme Of The Month: Halloween!

No Tickey, No Watchey

| Ontario, Canada | Uncategorized

(I work in the billing department for a cable company. One day I took the following call.)

Me: “Thank you for calling ****, my name is ****, what can I help you with?”

Customer: “Hi, I need you turn my cable back on so I can watch the fight this weekend.”

Me: “OK, if I could get your phone number, I’ll bring up your account and see what’s up.”

(I proceed to bring up his account, and notice he had been installed 6 months ago, and had not once paid his bill.)

Me: “Sir, I’m afraid that we can’t turn anything back on for your account until there has been a payment made.”

Customer: “No, that’s not the agreement. I need to watch the fight this weekend, my boys are coming over.”

Me: “That’s all well and good, but you owe us over two thousand dollars for charges, pay per view and equipment. Nothing can be done until you are up to date on payment.”


Me: “Sir, you obviously don’t understand how this works. We provide a service, and in return you pay a monthly fee. This is where we’re at; nothing can be done until you pay your balance.”


Me: “I think you forgot that we supply your internet as well. It won’t be reconnected until you pay your bill.”

The (Brain) Damage Has Already Been Done

, | Germany | Uncategorized

(Note: 1-1-2 is Germany’s version of 9-1-1.)

Me: “1-1-2, what’s your emergency?”

Caller: “Oh my god! Help me! Help me!”

Me: “Calm down, please. Can you tell me what happened, if someone is hurt and where you are?”

Caller: “I’m at home, and my brain stopped working!”

Me: “Your brain…stopped working? Sir, if your brain would stop working, you would be dead. Can you tell me exactly what happened? Are you bleeding?”

Caller: “No, no. But my brain stopped working! At least half of it! Oh my god, will the other half stop working as well?! Will I die?! My wife was right! I can’t believe it!”

(At this point, I’m unsure what to do. The man is really in a state of panic, but sounds otherwise fine.)

Me: “Sir, is your wife at home? Can I speak to her? If not, please tell me exactly what you did when your…brain stopped working.”

Caller: “I watched soccer! And drank beer! My wife always told me ‘When you don’t stop that crap, your brain will stop working’ and now it did! I was sitting on the couch and turned my head to look at the clock and suddenly I can’t move my head anymore because the left side of my brain stopped working! Help!”

Me: “Sir, it sounds like you only cricked your neck!”

(I start describing him what a cricked neck feels like and he agrees that this is indeed his problem and that he’ll see a doctor in the morning. I’m about to end the call, when…)

Caller: “Hey, dude…”

Me: “Yes?”

Caller: “Is she right?”

Me: “Who?”

Caller: “My wife. You seem to know a lot about medicine and stuff, so can my brain really stop working from watching too much soccer and drinking beer?”

Me: “Well, alcohol is known for indeed killing brain cells when you drink too much, but you won’t–”

Caller: “Oh my god! Thank you! I thought she was only kidding me, but when you say it, then I’ll stop! Thank you so much for saving my life! Thank you!”

Me: “Wait, I didn’t say–”

Caller: *hangs up*

What’s A Few Years Hard Labor Anyway

, | Minneapolis, MN, USA | Uncategorized

(Note: I work in the call center of a major insurance company.)

Customer: “I just received this form…what does it mean?”

Me: “That is letting you know how much interest income you received last year that we reported to the IRS.”

Customer: “But, I don’t want the IRS to know!”

Me: “I’m sorry, but we’re legally obligated to report that information to the IRS.”

Customer: “Do you do everything the government tells you to?!”

Me: “Umm…yes?”

Third Time’s A Charm For A Two-Faced One Track Mind

, | Washington, USA | Uncategorized

Me: “Thank you for calling [phone company], how may I help you today?”

Caller: “Um yeah, my phone stopped working. I need you guys to fix that for me.”

Me: “Certainly, sir. May I ask what exactly is the problem?”

Caller: “Well, the internet on my phone quit working a few days ago.”

Me: “Okay, I can definitely help you out with that. I do need your mobile phone number please…”

(The customer gives me his number, and I discover that his phone is not compatible with the internet plan on his account. Furthermore, he can not change it because the account is not in his name.)

Me: “…okay, so you understand why we cannot change that, right?”

Caller: “Yeah, I guess so. Thanks anyway, man.”

Me: “Not a problem sir. Thank you very much for choosing [phone company]. You have a wonderful day, sir.”

(This is where things get interesting. Instead of hanging up, I immediately hear the following…)

Female voice: “Aw baby, what’s wrong?”

Caller: “This f***ing douchebag wont fix my g**d*** phone! I’ve had this d***ed thing for three years, never had a problem with it, now this f*** wont help me out!”

Me: “Excuse me, sir? You never actually hung up the phone. Might I suggest we do that now before anything else is said?”

Caller: *brief pause* “… oh my God!I am so sorry! Oh my God sir, please don’t turn off my phone, PLEASE!”

Me: “Not a problem. Just please remember to hang up the phone, okay?”

(I wait for him to hang up a second time, but again, he doesn’t…)

Caller: “I can’t believe that f***ing p***k stayed on the phone! What we he trying to do?! A**hole! I mean, can’t he freaking help a guy out?!”

Female voice: *quietly* “I think you’re on speakerphone…”

Me: “Excuse me, sir? You forgot to hang up again.”

Caller: “S***! GIMME A BREAK!” *click*

From 20 Questions To Truth Or Dare

| Rexburg, ID, USA | Uncategorized

(Note: I work at a call center doing surveys on tourism. This person was obviously drunk when I called them.)

Me: “Have you visited Texas within the last six months?”

Drunk guy: “Yesh.”

Me: “And how many people were in your travel party?”

Drunk guy: “I have had enough of your questions. It’s time for you to answer some of mine!”

Me: “Sir, we only have a few more–”

Drunk guy: “Enough! What is your name, and have you ever been to a nudist colony?!””

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