Honk Twice For Bird Barrage

| Winchester, KY, USA | Uncategorized

(I work at a call center for truck drivers.)

Me: “Thank you for calling the service center. My name is ***, are you experiencing a breakdown?”

Trucker: “Yeah, I need a new windshield.”

Me: “Ok, sir. What happened to your current windshield?”

Trucker: “A bird went through it.”

Me: “Alright, a bird hit your windshield and cracked it, correct?”

Trucker: “No, the bird went THROUGH the windshield. It’s sitting in the passenger seat now and the windshield has a hole in it.”

Me: “So, what kind of bird is it?”

Trucker: “… a dead one.”

The Land Of Surf, Sun And Time Dilation

| Ohio, USA | Uncategorized

Me: “Thank you for calling ****, this is ****, how can I help you?”

Customer: “Yes, I’d like to place an order.”

Me: “I’d be happy to do that for you, however our ordering system is down. If you’d like to call back in 15 minutes, someone can help you with that.”

Customer: “OK, so is it 15 minutes Hawaii time, or your time?”

Me: “No…just 15 minutes…I’m pretty sure that’s the same no matter where you are, ma’am.”

Customer: “Oh! OK, thanks.”

Dr. Doolittle’s House Of Style

| Boise, ID, USA | Uncategorized

Me: “Thank you for calling **** Cosmetics. My name is ****, how may I help you today?”

Caller: “Do you test your product on animals?”

Me: “No, ma’am, we do not.”

Caller: “Not even on unicorns?”

Me: “Uhh…no.”

Caller: “What about mongooses?”

Me: “No.”

Caller: “Dogs?”

Me: “No.”

Caller: “Then how do you test your products?”

Me: “I believe they’re tested by using clinical trials.”

Caller: “So you don’t test your product on animals?”

Me: “No, we do not.”

Caller: “That’s great! Bye!” *hangs up*

No Dollars, No Sense

| Juarez, Mexico | Uncategorized

Me: “Thank you for calling **** Bank, may I have your full name please?”

Customer: “I’m not giving you my full name. I want to speak to a supervisor.”

Me: “I’m sure I can help you solve your problem, ma’am, just give me your full name so I can look up your information.”

Customer: “All right, FINE! My name is ****.”

Me: “Thank you, Ms. ****. What seems to be the problem?”

Customer: “I was at the store trying to buy baby formula, but I didn’t have any money left on my account. Why is that?”

Me: “Well, it appears you have made several purchases throughout the day, and you eventually ran out of money.”

Customer: *yelling* “I KNOW THAT I BOUGHT STUFF EARLIER, BUT WHY DON’T I HAVE ANY MONEY LEFT?!”

Me: “Well, ma’am, you could go ahead and return what you bought to get your money back and–”

Customer: *interrupting, baby crying in the background* “HOLD ON, SIR!”

Background Voice: “Hi, welcome to ****, how can I help you today?”

(At this point, the customer starts placing a food order while I wait on the line for her to get back to me, and the baby keeps crying.)

Customer: “Here baby, don’t cry…have some fries.”

Me: “Ms. ****, are you still there?”

Customer: “Yes I’m here – have you put my money back in my account
yet?”

Me: “I’m afraid I can’t do that. You’ve already spent the money, so your best bet is to go and return some of the things you bought earlier.”

Customer: “I THOUGHT YOU WERE GONNA DO THAT FOR ME!”

Me: “I can’t do that; you have to do it personally.”

Customer: “CAN’T YOU JUST DO IT ON YOUR COMPUTER?!”

Me: “No ma’am, it’s not physically possible for me to walk into a store with your stuff through my computer.”

Customer: *yelling louder* “WELL, IF YOU CAN’T USE ALL YOUR TECHNOLOGY TO DO A SIMPLE THING LIKE THAT, I’M GONNA HAVE TO SWITCH BANKS! THANKS FOR NOTHING!” *hangs up*

Thanks For (Almost) Nothing

| Idaho Falls, ID, USA | Uncategorized

(I’ve just activated a cable channel for a woman and was ending the call.)

Me: “Is there anything else I can do for you, ma’am?”

Customer: “Yeah, how much was it again?”

Me: “It’s $4.01 a month, ma’am.”

Customer: “Why $4.01? Why not just four dollars?”

Me: ¬†”Well, ma’am, I only activate the channels, I don’t set the prices.”

Customer: “Well that’s stupid. I don’t know if I want it anymore. It should only be four dollars.”

Me: “Well, I can certainly put in a complaint for you.”

Customer: “Yeah, you do that. ¬†And you take it off and I don’t want to pay that fee for taking it off. ¬†It should only be four dollars!”

Me: “Look, ma’am, I’ll find twelve cents and mail it to you. That covers that one cent for a whole year. Can I have your address?”

Customer: “Have a nice day!”

(And then she hung up on me.)

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