Minus One Bill, Plus One Federal Offense

| Jonesboro, AR, USA | Uncategorized

(I work at a call center that handles many types of cell phone issues, including the bills.)

Me: “Thank you for calling, my name is **** and I’ll be assisting you today. Is this call in regards to wireless number ***-***-****?”

Caller: “Why y’all done sent me a bill for two thousand minutes?! I don’t even own a cell phone!”

Me: “Um… well, does the bill have your name on it, ma’am?”

Caller: “Of course it does! Right here…” *paper rustling*

Caller: “Oh, lawdy! I done opened my neighbor’s mail!”

Someone Needs To Get Ctrl-Alt-Deleted

, | Newark, DE, USA | Uncategorized

(A customer calls in having trouble logging into her email.)

Me: “Okay, let’s try typing the password into a text program like Notepad or Word. Then, we can copy and paste it into the password box.”

Caller: “Copy and paste?”

Me: “Yeah, it’s just a quick–”

Caller: “COPY AND PASTE? What the h***?! I have a secretary so that I don’t have to learn copy and f***ing paste!”

Me: “If you calm down, it’s really very easy.”

Caller: *hangs up phone*

How Is My Excuse? Call 1-800-NOT-ALWAYS-RIGHT

| Seattle, WA, USA | Uncategorized

Me: *on the phone* “Hi, thanks for calling ****. Can I help you?”

Caller: “Yes, I have a complaint about your delivery driver. He was driving too slow, and in the carpool lane.”

Me: “How fast was he going?”

Caller: “60 miles per hour.”

Me: “Well, sir, that is the speed limit. Was he by himself in the carpool lane?”

Caller: “No, there were two people.”

Me: “So, let me see if I understand. Your complaint is that my delivery driver was following the law?”

Caller: “Yes, and I want him fired, or at least reprimanded. He made me late for work!”

Me: “…”

Hypothetical Intelligence

| Newcastle, UK | Uncategorized

(I work for a political party and am making polling calls.)

Me: “Hello, my name is *** and I’m calling on behalf of the *** Party. Do you have time to take a quick survey for us?”

Caller: “Yes.”

Me: “Thank you. If there was a General Election tomorrow, who do you think you would vote for?”

Caller: “There’s a General Election tomorrow?”

Me: “No, but if there was, who do you think you would vote for?”

Caller: “I would have trouble getting to the polling station, are you offering a lift?”

Me: “No… it’s a hypothetical election about who would you vote for.”

Caller: “Sorry, I have to go to the doctors tomorrow!”

Me: *gives up*

Inconvenience Saves The Day

| London, UK | Uncategorized

Me: “Thank you for calling **** Pay Per View, this is **** speaking. How can I help you?”

Customer: “Uh, yeah…I, uh, used up all my credit, and I need you to give me some more.”

Me: “You can purchase credit on our website, or through the automated system on the phone. Would you like assistance with either of those?”

Customer: *yelling* “NO! WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?! YOU SAYING I’M STUPID?!”

Me: “Um, no…I was just offering to–”

Customer: “WELL, NOW I WANT IT FREE! I DEMAND ¬£20 FREE CREDIT!”

Me: “I can’t just hand out free credit like that, that’s not how it works. If you have a complaint, I can transfer you to that department–”

Customer: “NO!” *suddenly quiet* “Where is your office located?”

Me: “We’re in ****.”

Customer: “RIGHT! I’M GONNA COME DOWN THERE AND F*** YOU UP! I KNOW YOUR NAME, F***HEAD! I’LL F***ING FIND YOU!”

Me: “…”

Customer: “Wait, where is ****, exactly?”

Me: “Um…about an hour out of the city by bus or car.”

Customer: “What?! Really? That far? Nah…I’ll probably leave it so. Thanks anyway. Bye.” *hangs up*

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