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    It’s Not Unusual To Be Fake With Anyone

    | Nottingham, UK |

    (I work in the Asset Management Department for a provider of loans and mortgages. It means that I have to try over the phone to get money out of people who haven’t made their monthly payments in ages.)

    Customer: “Hello?”

    Me: “Hello, is that Richard White?”

    Customer: “Yeah, who’s this?”

    Me: “Hello Richard, this is Maria calling from *** Finance. I just need to ask you some security questions before I proceed: could you please give me your date of birth?”

    Customer: “…”

    Me: “Hello?”

    Customer: “Oh yeah… it’s… um… 3rd of December… 19… 74.”

    (This is a completely different date of birth to what is on my screen.)

    Me: “And you confirmed that you are Richard White?”

    Customer: “No… my name’s… um… my name’s Tom.”

    Me: “Tom?”

    Customer: “Yes.”

    Me: “Tom what?”

    Customer: “Tom… Jones.”

    Me: “But you just said you were Richard White.”

    Customer: *hangs up*

    Digging Your Way Out Of A Hole

    , | Huntsville, AL, USA |

    Woman on phone: “You guys need to take that at-fault accident off my record.”

    Me: “Ma’am, I can’t do that. You’ll have to dispute that with the DMV.”

    Woman: “What’s that?”

    Me: “The Department of Motor Vehicles.”

    Woman: “Why can’t you take it off? You were the one put it on there.”

    Me: “Ma’am, I didn’t put anything on your record. The DMV did. What happened in that accident?”

    Woman: “I bumped into someone.”

    Me: “So you rear-ended someone? What were you doing?”

    Woman: “Drinking a beer.”

    Me: “Drinking a beer? While driving? Ma’am, if you rear-ended someone and had an open container of alcohol in your car it would be two violations, possibly three.”

    Woman: “See? There you go again, puttin’ stuff on my record.”

    Me: “Right.”

    Was It Something I Said

    | Las Vegas, NV, USA |

    Me: “411 Information.”

    Customer: “Wait a minute…”

    *papers rustling around*

    Customer: “I thought I had that here…”

    *long pause, more rustling*

    Customer: “Just a sec…”

    *several seconds of silence*

    Customer: “Never mind, you sound stupid.”

    *hangs up*

    It’s Gonna Be A Long Call, Part 2

    , | Prince Edward Island, Canada |

    Me: “Thank you for calling *****. What is the issue you’re calling about?”

    Customer: “I can’t get wi-fi on my phone!!!”

    Me: “Okay, what does the phone say when you try to connect?”

    Customer: “It asks me for a password, but I don’t know the password!”

    Me: “Ma’am, it’s the password you set when you first got your router.”

    Customer: “Router? What the heck is a router?”

    Me: “It’s the little box you have connected to your internet to enable wi-fi.”

    Customer: “Why the heck would I have internet? I don’t even own a computer!”

    Me: *sigh*

    Related:
    It’s Gonna Be A Long Call

    A Nasty Case Of Selective Hearingitis

    | Salt Lake City, UT, USA | Top

    (I was working for the billing department for a big cable company. I speak English clearly, but it’s my second language.)

    Lady: “I just got my bill and it says I owe you $400 in adult films, but I haven’t watched them.”

    Me: “I apologize for the inconvenience, but we got that information from your receiver. Do you think maybe somebody in your house might ordered them?”

    Lady: “No, there’s only me and my nephew.”

    Me: “How old is your nephew?”

    Lady: “He’s 14 years old, but he would never do that! I need you to credit my account for the whole amount.”

    Me: “Again, I apologize for the inconvenience but I won’t be able to do this at this time. I see we have credited your account twice in the last six months.”

    Lady: “I need the credit NOW, you hear me!”

    Me: “I understand your frustration, but as I told you before it’s impossible for me to do that at this moment.”

    Lady: “What? What did you say? I can’t understand you… you have a really thick accent!”

    Me: “I apologize, I said I won’t be able to credit your account at this time.”

    Lady: “What? You need to learn English before you get on the phones. I can’t understand a word you said!”

    Me: “Okay… so would you like me to credit your account for 600 dollars?”

    Lady: “Yes, that’s what I’m asking for! THANK YOU…”

    Me: “Oh, so now you understand my English. Sorry, we cannot credit your account at this time.”

    Lady: “Let me speak to a supervisor!”

    Related:
    A Nasty Case Of Selective Illiteracyosis

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