Heaven Sent Deliveries, Moses Speaking

| Ohio, USA |

Caller: ¬†”My furniture is scheduled for delivery today and I have a big problem: it’s going to snow!”

Me: “Okay, we can reschedule you for–”

Caller: “No, I need it delivered today!”

Me: “What would you like me to do?”

Caller: “I want you to make it not snow!”

Me: “… Excuse me?”

Caller: “I want you to make it not snow during my delivery!”

Me: “Ma’am, I can’t control the weather.”

Caller: “WHY NOT?!”

Drunk Dialin’

| London, ON, Canada |

Me: “Thank you for calling [phone company], how may I help you?”

Customer: *slurring* “Yeeeaah, you f***ers owe me a 40 of Jack Daniels!”

Me: “Pardon me?”

Customer: “I SAID YOU OWE ME A 40 OF JACK!”

Me: “Why is that, sir?”

Customer: “Well, youse is the phone company, right? Youse guys make the phones ring, right?”

Me: “Umm…”

Customer: “My phone f***ing rang and I knocked my bottle over tryin’ to get it.”

Me: “Oh, right.” *laughs*

Customer: “YOU THINK I’M JOKIN’?! Get me a manager!”

Me: “Sir, we’re not responsible for you knocking over your liquor.”

Customer: “Yes you f***in’ are! I want a credit on my bill!”

Me: *click*

The Perfect Customer

| Toronto, ON, Canada |

(A customer wants a better plan than her current 150 minutes/month. I notice she never uses more than 100 minutes or so a month.)

Me: ¬†”Well, Ma’am, since our plans have change and this amount of minutes seems to be perfect for you, I’m happy to tell you that I can give you the exact same plan for $30 a month and save you $10 a month.”

Customer: “That’s not a deal. I said I wanted something better than what I have.”

Me: “This is better. You’ll save $120 a year and based upon your usage, so this is perfect for you.”

Customer: “How is this better for me if it’s the same plan? I don’t want to change.”

Me: “So you don’t want me to change this to a $10 per month cheaper plan?”

Customer: ¬†”I said NO! I don’t want to save money if I get no more minutes out of it.”

Me: “Deal.”

No Wonder We’re In A Financial Meltdown

, | United Kingdom |

(I sell insurance. Sometimes, bank managers will ring up with customers who are in the bank. In this case, the bank lady was doing all the talking because the woman was partly deaf.)

Me: “Good morning, *** insurance, how can I help you?”

Bank manager: “I’m with a lady who’d like a quote, please.”

Me: “Yup, no problem. Could I speak to her briefly?”

(I talk to the customer and get her permission for the bank manager to do the quote with her details.)

Me: “Okay, can I take her surname, please?”

Bank manager: “My surname or hers?”

Me: “Hers, please…” *she gives it* “… and her date of birth?”

Bank manager: “Mine, or hers?”

Me: “Hers…” *she gives it* “… okay, and her postcode.”

Bank manager: “Why do you want my postcode?”

Me: “I don’t. I want her postcode. It’s her policy, so I need her details.”

(You get the general idea. This continued, right up until the very end of the insurance quote.)

Me: “So, the price for the year is ***.”

Bank manager: “I’d have to pay that?!”

Me: “…”

My Hypocrisy Ate Your Democracy

| Orlando, FL, USA |

Me: “Thank you for calling the Benefits Center, how may I assist you today?”

Customer: “Hi. I am trying to enroll in my benefits for next year.”

Me: “Okay, how may I assist you?”

Customer: “I just got engaged and I want to add my fiance to my insurance.”

Me: “I’m sorry, but you won’t be able to add your fiance to your coverage until you get married.”

Customer: “… So, those f***ing f***ots can get benefits, but I can’t?”

Me: “Yes, sir, but you have the option to get married, they don’t.”

Customer: “Those f***ing f***ots, f***ing us over anyway they can!”

Me: “I’m sorry sir, but you have the option to get married, they do not. That is the only reason we offer health benefits to same-sex domestic partners.”

Customer: “What if I can’t get married? What are you going to do about that?”

Me: “Why can’t you get married?”

Customer: “Well, a**hole if you must ask… it’s because I am already married.”

Me: “Sir, I can assure you we don’t pay for infidelity.”

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