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  • A Caffeinated Christmas Miracle
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  • America’s Debt Crisis, Explained

    | Tampa, FL, USA |

    Me: “Thank you for calling cardholder service, how may I help you?”

    Customer: “You sent me a bill. Why?”

    Me: “May I please have your card number?”

    Customer: “I threw it away when the balance was gone.”

    Me: “Um… can I have your social security number?”

    Customer: *gives number*

    Me: “I show your current balance is $10,027.31, due on 07/25/2008. Would you like to make a payment today so you do not get a late fee?”

    Customer: “What do you mean? Why did you send me a bill?”

    Me: “Sir, because you purchased those items you are required to repay the account.”

    Customer: “No. You gave me the money, so I spent it.”

    Me: “A credit card is a short term loan. You are required to pay it back.”

    Customer: “No, I’m not!” *click*

    (This is the third call like this in the past month.)

    Jack Of All Trades, Master Of None

    , | Minnesota, USA |

    (A customer is trying to cancel a non-refundable reservation at a hotel…)

    Me: “I apologize sir, but we will not be able to issue a refund at this time.”

    Customer: “I am a doctor and will have to attend to an emergency at that time. So, you need to refund me.”

    Me: “Again, I apologize, sir, but as the hotel is unwilling to refund, we will be unable to refund you at this time.”

    Customer: “Well, I guess I will just have to see you in court. I am a lawyer and I am going to sue you.”

    Me: “Sir, as a lawyer, I am sure you read over the terms and conditions of your reservation. As I am sure you noted, this reservation is nonrefundable. If you’d like, I’d can review the terms and conditions with you…”

    Customer: “The Catholic Church is going to curse you! I am a lawyer for the Catholic Church and I will tell the bishop to curse you!”

    (At this point, I didn’t know what to say to this multitalented doctor and lawyer for the Catholic Church.)

    A Bunch-O-Words It Be, Indeed

    | Brookings, OR, USA |

    Me:¬†”Thanks for calling *** support, how can I ¬†help you?”

    Caller: “I just bought sump’n down to the W-mart.”

    Me: “And how can I help you with that?”

    Caller: “Yup!”

    *long pause*

    Me: “Hello?”

    Caller: “Hey!”

    Me: “What is it I can help you with today?”

    Caller: “Got me one a dem orga, orgaz, origaniz, oregonize…”

    Me: “Organizer?”

    Caller: “Yup!”

    Me: “And what can I do for you in regards to the organizer?”

    Caller: “Well, it don’t do nuffin!”

    Me: “Sounds like you may need technical assistance on the device, and unfortunately you’ve reached the sales line. I would be happy to give you the accurate number.”

    Caller: “It free?”

    Me: “I’m sorry, no, the support line is not toll free.”

    Caller: “That’ll cost more-n-my origun, orgizen, org…”

    Me: “Organizer?”

    Caller: “Yup!”

    Me: “You may want to first consult the manual for information.”

    Caller: “That ol’ book don’t say nuffin but a bunch-o-words!”

    Passing The Buck

    | Des Moines, IA, USA | Top

    Me: “Thank you for calling, how can I help you?”

    Customer: “Yes, I have a problem with you guys! You are trying to screw me!”

    Me: “Ok, what seems to be the problem?”

    Customer: “I am trying to buy a house. Your company is showing a unpaid bill for $5000, and my bank has denied my loan because of this.”

    Me: “Well, according to our records you purchased an air conditioner two years ago for $3500. You made two payments of $150 and never made another payment.”

    Customer: “Yes, so?”

    Me: “Well, you never paid for the item so we reported it as such.”

    Customer: “But I sold that house a year and a half ago!”

    Me: “But you never paid for the air conditioner.”


    Me: “I am sorry, but we agreed to extend credit to you, not the new owners of the house. You signed the agreement, not them.”

    Customer: “Where am I supposed to get $5000?”

    Me: “I’m sorry, but all I can think of is when you got the money for selling the home with the air conditioner, you should have paid the account balance off.”


    Me: “Okay, then I guess this call is over and I hope you get your bank to loan you the money.”

    Customer: “So you fixed it?”

    Me: “I sure did. Have a great day.”

    (All I did was update her account with her new address and phone number. The legal dept had noted on the account they had been unable to locate her after she sold the home… they’ll definitely find her now.)

    Jesus, The Only MasterCard You’ll Ever Need

    | Florida, USA | Top

    Me: “Thanks for calling Credit Card Services, how may I help you today?”

    Card member: “Yeah, I was just looking over my statement and see I was charged a late fee. Why?”

    Me: “Well, when we receive a payment past the due date, a late fee is normally assessed to the account. Do you have any idea why we received the payment late?”

    Card member: “I was on vacation and didn’t send it in until the 12th.”

    Me: “Well, the payment was¬†due on the 8th and there is usually at least seven days between customers sending in their payment until we can receive and process them.”

    Card member: “Well, can you waive that fee for me?”

    Me: ¬†”Unfortunately, since the fee was billed appropriately, there isn’t any way that it can be removed.”

    Card member: “Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord and Savior?”

    Me: “How is that in any way relevant to this conversation?”

    Card member: “Jesus would waive my fee!”

    Me: “Jesus wouldn’t own a bank.”

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