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    And We Wonder Who Clicks On Spam…

    , | Santa Ana, CA, USA |

    Me: “Thank you for calling [bank], how may I help you?”

    Customer: “Hello, I seem to have a problem with my online banking.”

    Me: “Okay, I’d be happy to help…”

    (I identify her and find nothing wrong with her accounts, flags or overdrafts.)

    Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but I’m not seeing anything wrong on our end. Can you describe what the problem is?”

    Customer: “I don’t know what the problem is. I just got a message from you that said ‘Contact Us’.”

    Me: “Okay, can you read me the message you received?”

    Customer: “It says ‘Contact Us’.”

    Me: “That’s all, contact us and that’s it? No explanation?”

    Customer: “That’s all! It just says ‘Contact Us’ in blue letters right above my messages.”

    Me: “Wait, above your messages? You mean the link?”

    Customer: “The what?”

    Me: “Ma’am, the blue message to contact us is a hyperlink to a blank letter. It wasn’t telling you to contact us; the link is always there for feedback, like a suggestion box.”

    Customer: “Oh… well, can I please speak with your supervisor! I cannot be the only one who thought this!”

    (I transfer her over and proceed to bang my head against my keyboard.)

    The Wind Beneath My Swings

    , | Boston, MA, USA |

    Caller: “The swing set was delivered yesterday, and… it’s fine, but I need instructions.”

    Me: “No problem, I’ll email them to you right now. Are you missing anything from your shipment? If you are, let me know and I can get those right out for you.”

    Caller: “Um, no. I’m not missing anything, but I do have one question.”

    Me: “Sure, how can I help you?”

    Caller: “Well, I got the swing set and… well… thank you for the added accessory, but where do I put it? I mean, how do I attach it to the set?”

    Me: “Which accessory, sir?”

    Caller: “The toilet seat.”

    Me: “The what?!”

    Caller: “Yeah, and I just want to know how I attach it to the swing set?”

    Me: “Um, ok. First of all, you don’t put toilet seats on your child’s swing set. Secondly, that wasn’t in your shipment from us. The trucking company must have gotten some boxes mixed up.”

    Caller: “Ooooooohh…” *speaking to someone off the phone* “HEY JOE! Don’t open that box! That toilet seat isn’t ours! It doesn’t go on the set!”

    (I would just like to state for the record that “toilet seat” and “swing set” should NEVER be used in the same sentence.)

    Maine, Mars, Same Difference

    | Maine, USA |

    Me: “Thank you for calling *** business customer service. How can I help you?”

    Customer: “Where y’all at, India?!”

    Me: “No sir, I’m in Maine.”

    Customer: “Maine? Where the h***’s that?”

    Me: “Northern New England, sir.”

    Customer: “England, I thought you sounded funny.”

    (Note I have a VERY slight New England accent and this guy sounded like a Southern good ol’ boy).

    Me: “No, NEW England sir, northeastern United States.”

    Customer: “Oh, up in Canada then! Well you done learned English pretty good I guess!”

    Me: “…”

    Related:
    Cancun, Oahu, Same Difference

    Troubleshooting Tip #56: No Cramming Cold Cuts

    | Valparaiso, IN, USA |

    Me: “Xbox 360 customer service, how may I help you?”

    Client: “Yes, my Xbox 360 isn’t working, but it doesn’t have that red light thingy in the front. I DEMAND to know what is wrong with it!”

    Me: “Sir, you’re going to have to be a little more specific. Is your power supply functioning properly?”

    Client: “Of course it is, do I sound stupid to you?”

    Me: “No sir… can I get your console number?”

    Client: “On the bottom of the disk drive?”

    Me: “No, its not–”

    Client: “OHHH, I found the problem, there was some baloney in the disk drive…” *click*

    Unlimited Nights, Weekends and Spelling

    | Tennessee, USA |

    Me: “Thank you for calling *** Wireless. May I have the 10 digit number you’re calling about today?”

    Customer: “Yes, can you spell thousand for me?”

    Me: “… excuse me?”

    Customer: “Can you spell thousand?”

    Me: “Um, sure. T-H-O-U-S-A-N-D.”

    Customer: “T-H-O-U-S-A-N-D.”

    Me: “Yes that’s correct…”

    Customer: “Okay, thank you. Can you spell fifteen?”

    Me: “Um, excuse me–”

    Customer: “Can you spell fifteen?”

    Me: “F-I-F-T-E-E-N.”

    Customer: “Okay, thank you!” *click*

    Me: ???

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