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    I Bet It’s Dying From Stupid Owneritis

    | Sao Paulo, Brazil |

    (I used to work at this cellphone carrier like Vodafone or Cingular and people usually messed up who they were talking to.)

    Me: “Good evening, who am I talking to?”

    Customer: “Please, call an ambulance!”

    Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am. We can’t make outgoing calls here. Not even for an ambulance. Please hang up and make the call.”

    Customer: “You don’t understand. I need an ambulance NOW!”

    Me: “I understand. But we can’t call it for you!”

    Customer: “Please help me! My cat is dying!”

    Me: “Your…what?”

    Customer: “My cat! He’s lying on the floor and making weird noises. He’s dying, I need an ambulance.”

    (I was never sure if this was a prank call cause the lady sounded pretty serious.)

    Me: “Well, ma’am, you really will have to call the vet yourself.”

    Customer: “No! I need an ambulance. You can’t refuse to help me like this. I’ll sue you!”

    Me: “…for what?”

    Customer: “For neglecting help to someone in need! You could have called an ambulance already!”

    Me: “You could too if you had just hang up and called somebody yourself, ma’am!”

    Customer: “Fine, but if my cat dies, I’ll call you back!” *click*

    Hopefully, She’s Not Also Topless

    | Louisville, KY, USA |

    (Working in tech support, I talk to some pretty dumb people every day. This was a particular highlight of the week.)

    Me: “Go ahead and check the icons in the bottom right hand corner of your screen for me.”

    Customer: “I have no bottom right.”

    Me: “Ma’am, everything has a bottom right.”

    Everyone’s A Comedian

    , | Richmond, VA, USA |

    (A customer calls our store and asks about a computer.)

    Customer: “Hello, I was wondering how big the hard drives in y’all’s computers are?”

    Me: “Well the largest hard drive size we have is 1 terabyte. You can get four of those–”

    Customer: *cuts me off* “A terawhat? I’ve heard of a pterodactyl!” *screeches like a pterodactyl might have and hangs up the phone*

    That’s Assuming If A Woodchuck Could Chuck Wood

    | Louisiana, USA | Top

    (This was my last week at a very lousy sales job working for a major jewelry manufacturer that deals exclusively with jewelers on a screened account basis.)

    Me: “Thank you for calling *****. How can I help you?”

    Customer: “I need a price check on a diamond.”

    (We go through a drawn out process of finding the stone he wants, a large carat, high grade diamond. I quote him the price in the system.)

    Customer: “That can’t be right! That’s too expensive!”

    Me: “It’s the price I have in the system, sir. If you like, we can look for a different piece?”

    Customer: “NO! It has to be that one! Are you sure that’s the right price?”

    Me: “Yes, sir.”

    Customer: “Are you absolutely certain?”

    Me: “Absolutely, sir.”

    Customer: “And that’s in dollars, right?”

    (At this point, I’m fed up and not really concerned with whether I get fired or not at this point. I answer in my most sincere deadpan.)

    Me: “No, sir. That’s in woodchucks. We deal exclusively in fresh, live woodchucks.”

    (I hear a bark of laughter from one of the call monitoring agents on the next row, which gets even louder when the customer asks if I’m serious.)

    Gotta Love Them DIY ‘Puters

    , | London, ON, Canada | Top

    (I was working in warranties for a large computer manufacturer, mostly with businesses but a few individuals came through on the line here and there.)

    Me: “Thank you for calling ***. How can I help you?”

    Customer: “My computer don’t work.”

    Me: “I’m sorry to hear that, ma’am. Can I get the serial number off of your CPU?”

    Customer: “My what?”

    Me: “The computer tower.”

    Customer: “Huh?”

    (I’ll spare you the agony but, I went on for about 3 more minutes trying to describe the CPU and getting nowhere.)

    Me: “I’m sorry, I don’t seem to be expressing myself well today. Can you describe to me all the computer parts on your desk? I’ll tell you which one the number I need is on.”

    Customer: “It’s just a keyboard and a screen, like any other computer.”

    Me: “Oh, you have a laptop!”

    Customer: “A what?”

    Me: “A little computer you can take with you. The keyboard and screen fold together with a hinge in the middle, right?”

    Customer: “No, I don’t! I don’t know what is wrong with you computer people today. First the sales guy tries to sell me a bunch of sh*t I don’t need in this big box package and now you don’t even know what a computer is! Brand new today and it don’t even work.”

    Me: “So…you just bought a keyboard and a monitor?”

    Customer: “What’d I need all the rest uh’ that sh*t in the box for? This was way cheaper! I ain’t stupid!”

    Me: “…”

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