Why Hello, Pheven

| Australia |

Me: “I’m here to help, sir. Now, can I start with your name?”

Caller: “Yeah. It’s Steven.”

Me: “Is that ‘Steven’ with a V, or ‘Stephen’ with a PH?”

Caller: “No, it’s Steven with an S, idiot!”

That’s Just Golden

| Tulsa, OK, USA |

(Note: we deal with the airline employees.)

Me: “Customer service, this is ***. May I have your file number?”

(The airline employee gives his file number, and I verify his information is correct.)

Me: “How can I help you?”

Airline employee: “Promise you won’t laugh.”

Me: “I’ll try, sir.”

Airline employee: “I’m calling to report that a customer relieved himself in one of the Electronic Check-in Units. I need to ask for a tech to come out and make sure there’s no damage to the computer.”

Me: “Oh my gosh, of course. Where in the airport is the machine?”

Airline employee: “It’s near Gate 27. We call it Irregular Operations because that’s where–no pun intended–the customers have to go to get their tickets when they’re pissed off.”

Me: “Well, sir, I’m writing this up as being water damage that the tech will need to check out. Is there anything else I can do to help you?”

Airline employee: “You got any Febreeze?”

I Think We’ve Found The Problem

, | Concord, CA, USA |

Me: *on the phone with a customer* “I can have a repairman out there in 2 days to fix your dishwasher.”

Customer: “Two days? TWO DAYS?! What am I going to do with the dishes in the meantime?!”

Me: *jokingly “For $10 a day I’ll come out and wash them.”

Customer: “Ok, great! Can I put that on my store card?”

Me: “Um…I was just kidding, ma’am.”

Customer: *angrily* “Let me talk to your manager!”

(After my boss speaks with the customer, he comes over to talk to me.)

Boss: “Did you tell the customer you would wash her dishes?”

Me: “I was just joking!”

Boss: “NEVER joke with a customer. Customers have NO sense of humor. None.”

A Bit Nutty

| Scotland |

Me: “Thank you for calling ****. What is the problem with your telephone line?”

Customer: “The squirrels.”

Me: “The–what? Sorry?”

Customer: “Those damn squirrels are watching me.”

Me: “Uh…do you have a problem with your telephone line?”

Customer: “Yes, the squirrels have nested on it, and they watch me while I’m sleeping…”

Me: “I’m sure they’re not.”

Customer: “You calling me a liar?”

I Always Travel By Rocket

| Flagstaff, AZ, USA |

Me: “Thank you for calling ****, how can I help you?”

Caller: “How far are you from Las Vegas?”

Me: “233 miles.”

Caller: “So that’s about what, an hour, hour and a half?”

Me: “Only if you drive about 230 miles an hour.”

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