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    It’s Gonna Be A Long Call, Part 2

    , | Prince Edward Island, Canada |

    Me: “Thank you for calling *****. What is the issue you’re calling about?”

    Customer: “I can’t get wi-fi on my phone!!!”

    Me: “Okay, what does the phone say when you try to connect?”

    Customer: “It asks me for a password, but I don’t know the password!”

    Me: “Ma’am, it’s the password you set when you first got your router.”

    Customer: “Router? What the heck is a router?”

    Me: “It’s the little box you have connected to your internet to enable wi-fi.”

    Customer: “Why the heck would I have internet? I don’t even own a computer!”

    Me: *sigh*

    Related:
    It’s Gonna Be A Long Call

    A Nasty Case Of Selective Hearingitis

    | Salt Lake City, UT, USA | Top

    (I was working for the billing department for a big cable company. I speak English clearly, but it’s my second language.)

    Lady: “I just got my bill and it says I owe you $400 in adult films, but I haven’t watched them.”

    Me: “I apologize for the inconvenience, but we got that information from your receiver. Do you think maybe somebody in your house might ordered them?”

    Lady: “No, there’s only me and my nephew.”

    Me: “How old is your nephew?”

    Lady: “He’s 14 years old, but he would never do that! I need you to credit my account for the whole amount.”

    Me: “Again, I apologize for the inconvenience but I won’t be able to do this at this time. I see we have credited your account twice in the last six months.”

    Lady: “I need the credit NOW, you hear me!”

    Me: “I understand your frustration, but as I told you before it’s impossible for me to do that at this moment.”

    Lady: “What? What did you say? I can’t understand you… you have a really thick accent!”

    Me: “I apologize, I said I won’t be able to credit your account at this time.”

    Lady: “What? You need to learn English before you get on the phones. I can’t understand a word you said!”

    Me: “Okay… so would you like me to credit your account for 600 dollars?”

    Lady: “Yes, that’s what I’m asking for! THANK YOU…”

    Me: “Oh, so now you understand my English. Sorry, we cannot credit your account at this time.”

    Lady: “Let me speak to a supervisor!”

    Related:
    A Nasty Case Of Selective Illiteracyosis

    Hippocrates Is Rolling Over In His Grave

    , | Southern Illinois, USA |

    Me: “Thank you for calling, how can I help you?”

    Doctor: “I need to verify my patient’s coverage. Her number is *****.”

    Me: I’m sorry, ma’am, but there is a problem and I can’t access that account. I will have to forward this issue over to our technical department and they will get back to you as soon as possible.”

    Doctor: “I need this information immediately. Can I talk to them now? It’s very important.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, they are very backed up over there and everything is handled in the order it is received. You will be added to the queue and they will get back to you later today.”

    Doctor: “What if she was DYING and I needed her coverage information? What then?!”

    Me: “Ma’am, with all due respect, if the patient was dying there in your office, I would hope you would treat her regardless of her insurance coverage.”

    Doctor: “Well, yes–I mean–just make sure they call me today.” *click*

    Even Paranoid Racist Nutjobs Have Bad Days

    | Lake Mary, FL, USA | Top

    (Note: The cell phone provider I worked for does not have call centers outside of North America.They have some in Canada, but that is irrelevant to the following transaction.)

    Me: “Thank you for calling C*** Wireless. How can I help you?”

    Customer: “I want a credit to my account.”

    Me: “Well, I can certainly see what I can do for you sir. What seems to be the issue?”

    Customer: “Where am I calling currently?”

    Me: “Customer service, sir…?”

    Customer: “Where are you located?”

    Me: “Lake Mary, Florida.”

    Customer: “I want a credit because the last person I spoke to from your company was in India.”

    Me: “Sir, we don’t have call centers in India. All our call centers are in North America.”

    Customer: “Well, the person I just spoke with had a very heavy middle eastern accent and told me his name was Sam. Now I know he was lying to me, so I want a credit applied to my bill!”

    Me: “Sir, this is the United States of America. There are many people in this nation with varying accents. I cannot credit you for speaking to an American with an accent.”

    Customer: “I want to talk to your supervisor!”

    Me: “Sir, I would be more than happy to allow you to speak with my supervisor. His name is Muhammed Alam… we call him ‘Moe’ for short. ”

    Customer: *click*

    Impersonating Your Boss: FAIL

    | Sydney, Australia |

    Woman: “I am speaking on behalf of my boss. He wants a tax statement… what do I need to do?”

    Me: “You need to put your boss on the phone so I can talk to him about this.”

    Woman: “No. ”

    Me: “Sorry?”

    Woman: “He has given me verbal consent to speak on his behalf.”

    Me: “Well, unfortunately I wont be able to do that. I will need to speak to your boss directly.”

    Woman: “Why?”

    Me: “Because I need to do a security check with him to protect his privacy.”

    Woman: “What privacy?”

    Me: “… his personal information.”

    Woman: “He refuses to deal with you himself.”

    Me: “Unfortunately he will HAVE to deal with us himself for us to organise this statement for him. Verbal consent is not valid as we hold very private information about our clients.”

    Woman: *deepens voice, obviously attempting to sound like a man* “Okay then, my name is [boss' name], I was born on [birthdate] and this is my card.”

    Me: “I’m sorry ma’am. I know that you are not your boss. We do need to speak to Mr. **** himself. Is there anything else i can help with?”

    Woman: “F**K YOU!”

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