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    What They Really Think

    | Sydney, Australia |

    Me: “Sir, I’m afraid your SIM card has been destroyed due to entering your PUK code too many times. You will have to get a new one.”

    Customer: “Ok, thanks.”

    (Some moments pass and he hasn’t hung up. I put the phone on mute.)

    Customer: “Stupid b**ch!” *miscellaneous other insults*

    *mute off*

    Me: “Uh, sir, you might want to disconnect the line, I’m still here.”

    Customer: “OH F***!” *click*

    Fun Things To Do On Your Last Day

    | San Antonio, TX, USA |

    (My friend worked in the phone service department of an undergarment company. One day he got a call from an unhappy woman. We’ll call him David.)

    Customer: “Yes, I’m calling to see why my order hasn’t arrived yet.”

    David: “Could you please give me some information about your order?”

    (The customer then goes on to inform him that her gargantuan pair of panties designated by untold numbers of X’s have yet to arrive and she’s very upset.)

    David: “Well you see ma’am, the cargo plane that your panties were on lost power and the pilot had to use them to parachute to safety.”

    (The customer did not have a sense of humor. David was promptly fired. True Story.)

    A Nasty Case Of Selective Illiteracyosis

    | Akron, OH, USA |

    (Back story: We had a buy 2, get 1 free sale right after Christmas. The sign clearly said “lowest item free”.)

    Customer: “Hi, I’d like to buy these…” *shows me two $2.99 games for the Gamecube* “…and get this one free.” *shows me a used copy of Halo 3 for $54.99*

    Me: “I’d like a million dollars.”

    Customer: “I’m serious!”

    Me: “So am I, sir. I’m sorry, thats not how the buy 2 get 1 free works. You’d get one of the $2.99 games free.”

    Customer: “THAT’S NOT WHAT THE SIGN SAYS! IT SAYS BUY 2 GET 1 FREE!”

    (I take the sign off wall and reads it to customer.)

    Me: “Buy 2 games get one free on all used games. Please note that the lowest priced item will be free.”

    Customer: “That’s not what the sign says! I’m going to sue you for false advertising!”

    Me: “Sir, I don’t believe you can sue me because you can’t read.”

    If Only It Grew On Trees, Part 2

    | London, UK |

    (I work in a local government call centre and take calls from the residents about all kinds of things–including education.)

    Customer: “Hi, I got your booklet about the school meals and it said I can get a grant for clothing.”

    Me: “That would be the school uniform grant. Could I take yours and your child’s details? I can send you an application form.”

    Customer: “I don’t have kids, can’t I have the money for myself? I’m on income support.”

    Me: “The grant is for the school uniform sir, and it is only available for children.”

    Customer: “So I can’t have the money for myself?”

    Me: “Um…no.”

    Customer: “For f**k’s sake!” *hangs up*

    (I wasn’t sure if he wanted the money for normal clothes, or wanted to buy himself an actual school uniform.)

    Related
    If Only It Grew On Trees

    I Bet His Computer Has A “Cup Holder” Too

    | Tulsa, OK, USA |

    (This is from a few years ago, when I worked tech support for a major satellite TV company.)

    Me: “How may I help you?”

    Customer: “Is your satellite down?”

    Me: “No sir, the satellite is working properly.”

    Customer: “Are you sure? Because I’m not getting ANYTHING on my TV.”

    Me: “Well, let’s try and get this solved for you. What do you see on the screen?”

    Customer: “It’s black.”

    Me: “There’s nothing at all on the screen?”

    Customer: “I told you, it’s completely black!”

    Me: “Is…is there a message of any kind?”

    Customer: “Yeah, it says ‘searching for satellite signal’. That’s how I know your satellite is down. You need to connect me to a different one.”

    Me: “Well sir, just in case it’s possibly something else and not the satellite, could you tell me who installed your equipment? Did you pay for an installer or did you do it yourself?”

    Customer: “I did it myself! I’m not an idiot. I took the box out of the package and connected it to my TV and DVD player and stereo just fine. I know how to connect a few wires…”

    Me: “Okay, maybe there’s something blocking the dish, like a tree or perhaps a neighbors house. Where did you mount the dish?”

    Customer: “Dish? The bowl thing? It’s still in the box. Look, just connect me to your other satellite already!”

    Me:


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