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    Liar Liar Panties On Fire

    , | San Diego, CA, USA |

    Me: “Hi, I understand that you’re having problems with your delivery.”

    Customer: “Yes, your stupid SOB driver won’t deliver to my apartment. I saw him through the window and thought he’d be right up, but he never came up.”

    Me: “Ma’am, I see that you live in an apartment complex, is there a security code or call box on the gate that the driver would need to use to gain access to your complex?”

    Customer: “There isn’t a call box or a gate code. The gates stay locked all day.”

    Me: “Well, without a gate code or a call box at the gate, my driver can’t get through to your gate. Furthermore, if you saw him outside of the complex, why didn’t you go out to greet him?”

    Customer: “That’s not my problem. I shouldn’t have to leave my apartment to get my package. It’s your job to deliver it to my door.”

    Me: “Actually, it is your problem if you’d like to receive your package today.”

    Customer: “You can’t speak to me like that! I demand to speak to your supervisor!

    Me: “Ma’am, I *am* the supervisor. I also dispatch to the driver to reattempt delivery to your address.”

    Customer: “I still don’t see why I have do half of your job. You’re the delivery company.”

    Me: “No problem ma’am. We’ll bring it back to the building tonight and we’ll try it again tomorrow. If we can’t reach your door tomorrow, then we’ll try again a third time and after that if it gets sent back to the shipper, you’ll have to address it with them.”

    Customer: “NO! NO! NO! Fine! I’ll prop the gate open, it’s medication that I need today!”

    Me: *looks in system, it’s Victoria Secret*

    If Exes Ruled The World

    , | Costa Mesa, CA, USA |

    Customer: “I want to cancel my ex-husband’s policy.”

    Me: “Are you on the policy with him?”

    Customer: “No, but his new girlfriend is. That’s why I’d like it canceled.”

    Me: “You can’t cancel a policy that isn’t yours.”

    Customer: “Why not?! It used to be my policy!”

    Me: “Well, because you no longer have authorization to make such a change.”

    Customer: “Well, he didn’t have authorization to bring that ***** into my house, but he did it anyways. I’m pretty sure you can cancel his policy.”

    Me: “I’m pretty sure you need to see a therapist. Thanks for calling.”

    The Commute Must Be Out Of This World

    | Ontario, Canada |

    (I have just completed a survey with this man and am now asking him for his name, where he lives age etc.)

    Me: “Okay, I just need to ask you a few questions about your demographics. ”

    Man: “Well, would you like like my Earth information or my home planet information?”

    Me: “Pardon?”

    Man: “Well, like for example: here on earth, I am 45, but on my home planet, I am 270.”

    Me: *not sure if he is serious* “Well, I think that I will take your…Earth…information. It would be most relevant to us.”

    Man: “Actually, I think I will give you both, just in case. That way, if you can’t get ahold of me here, you can try me at my home planet. ”

    (The man proceeded to give me both sets of information, including his Earth name, Andrew, and his other name…Qinjax.)

    Fun With Idle Threats

    | Sao Paulo, Brazil | Top

    Me: “Good afternoon, who am I talking to?”

    Customer: “It’s the tenth time I’m calling in! Please just transfer me already.”

    Me: “Who am I talking to?”

    Customer: “It’s ***. Now transfer me to the right section.”

    Me: “…how may I help you?”

    Customer: “Jesus, are you dumb? I just want you to transfer my call to someone who can actually help me.”

    Me: “I’m not transferring your call until you tell me what’s going on, ma’am.”

    Customer: “It’s my statement. It’s wrong and I want a refund. Now transfer this call.”

    Me: “What’s your cellphone number with the area code?”

    Customer: “Just transfer this already. I’m responsible for your paycheck!”

    *OH SNAP*

    Me: “Alright. Do you have your statement in your hands?”

    Customer: “Yeah. Transfer the call!”

    Me: “Please check if you see my name in your statement.”

    *silence*

    Me: “Ma’am?”

    Customer: “Yeah…”

    Me: “Please check if you see my name in your statement.”

    *silence*

    Me: “Does it?”

    Customer: “No!”

    Me: “So you have nothing to do with my paycheck, I guess. Plus, you haven’t paid your last one and I still got my paycheck. Now, can I please check some information before transferring the call?”

    Customer: *sighs* “Yeah, okay…”

    Creative Ways To Use Google Earth

    , | Tampa, FL, USA | Top

    Me: “Thank you for calling [bank], may I please have your 16-digit account number?”

    Customer: “I can’t.”

    Me: “That’s fine, may I please have your SS number so I’m able to find you?”

    Customer: “No!”

    Me: “How can I help you today?”

    Customer: “I need my balance right now!”

    Me: “Okay, I can help you with that, but I need to be able to look you up in the computer. Do you have your account number or your social security number?”

    Customer: “I’m on a cell phone. I can’t give you that, it’s not SECURE!”

    Me: “Umm…okay? Would you like to call us back on a land line so that your call is more ‘secure’?”

    Customer: “I’m busy! Can’t you just give me my balance?”

    Me: “I can as soon as I’m able to look you up in the computer. How would you like me to do that?”

    Customer: “I’m not going to do your job for you! Now tell me my balance!”

    (At this point, I’ve had enough.)

    Me: “Okay, sir. Do you have your credit card with you?”

    Customer: “Yes.”

    Me: “Can you please take it out of your wallet and hold it above your head?”

    Customer: “Okay, I’m doing that.”

    Me: “Thank you, may I please put you on hold while I contact NASA to move the satellite to your location and send us a picture?”

    Customer: “Okay, just don’t take too long about it!”

    (I place the customer on hold and go on break. Surprisingly, he’s still there when I get back.)

    Me: “I’m sorry sir, we were unable to read the picture. Did you move at all?”

    Customer: “Yeah, I put it back in my wallet.”

    Me: “Okay, that’s the problem. Could you please just read it to me so I can look up your balance?”

    Customer: “NO, I TOLD YOU I’M ON A CELL PHONE AND IN A HURRY!” *customer hangs up*

    (My boss didn’t know if I should be fired or given a award.)

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