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    If Only It Grew On Trees, Part 2

    | London, UK |

    (I work in a local government call centre and take calls from the residents about all kinds of things–including education.)

    Customer: “Hi, I got your booklet about the school meals and it said I can get a grant for clothing.”

    Me: “That would be the school uniform grant. Could I take yours and your child’s details? I can send you an application form.”

    Customer: “I don’t have kids, can’t I have the money for myself? I’m on income support.”

    Me: “The grant is for the school uniform sir, and it is only available for children.”

    Customer: “So I can’t have the money for myself?”

    Me: “Um…no.”

    Customer: “For f**k’s sake!” *hangs up*

    (I wasn’t sure if he wanted the money for normal clothes, or wanted to buy himself an actual school uniform.)

    If Only It Grew On Trees

    I Bet His Computer Has A “Cup Holder” Too

    | Tulsa, OK, USA |

    (This is from a few years ago, when I worked tech support for a major satellite TV company.)

    Me: “How may I help you?”

    Customer: “Is your satellite down?”

    Me: “No sir, the satellite is working properly.”

    Customer: “Are you sure? Because I’m not getting ANYTHING on my TV.”

    Me: “Well, let’s try and get this solved for you. What do you see on the screen?”

    Customer: “It’s black.”

    Me: “There’s nothing at all on the screen?”

    Customer: “I told you, it’s completely black!”

    Me: “Is…is there a message of any kind?”

    Customer: “Yeah, it says ‘searching for satellite signal’. That’s how I know your satellite is down. You need to connect me to a different one.”

    Me: “Well sir, just in case it’s possibly something else and not the satellite, could you tell me who installed your equipment? Did you pay for an installer or did you do it yourself?”

    Customer: “I did it myself! I’m not an idiot. I took the box out of the package and connected it to my TV and DVD player and stereo just fine. I know how to connect a few wires…”

    Me: “Okay, maybe there’s something blocking the dish, like a tree or perhaps a neighbors house. Where did you mount the dish?”

    Customer: “Dish? The bowl thing? It’s still in the box. Look, just connect me to your other satellite already!”


    Television, Vision Insurance, Same Difference

    | Latham, NY, USA |

    Me: “Thank you for calling ***** Vision, how may I help you?”

    Caller: “I need someone to come look at my TV.”

    Me: “Sir, this is a vision insurance company, not television repair.”

    Caller: “When can you send someone out?”

    Me: “Sir, we cannot do that. We don’t repair TVs.”


    Me: “He can’t help you either, sir.”

    Caller: “F**K YOU! I SAY F**K YOU!” *click*

    Where The Sun Don’t Shine

    | Ontario, Canada |

    (Cell phone customer has been redirected to the call center for non-payment of his cell phone bill.)

    Customer: “Turn on my phone or you can take it and shove it up your a**!!!”

    Me: “I’m sorry sir. We don’t have service in that area.”

    If Only It Grew On Trees

    | Thunder Bay, ON, Canada |

    (I was doing rebates for cellphones at the time…)

    Me: “Thank you for calling ****. How may I help you?”

    Customer: “Okay, so I want my rebate.”

    Me: “Alright, all I need from you is the cellphone number.”

    Customer: “I don’t have one.”

    Me: “…you don’t have a cellphone number?”

    Customer: “No, but I want my rebate.”

    Me: “So, you do know that in order to receive a rebate, you actually need to purchase a cellphone?”

    Customer: “For **** sakes. You’re telling me that in order to get MY rebate, I need to go out, waste MY gas, and with MY money, buy a cellphone?”

    Me: “Well, that would be the general idea of getting a reimbursement on something you had purchased.”

    Customer: “But I just want the money back…”

    Me: “Well, it’s not like this is free money.”

    Customer: “…it’s not?”

    Me: “No.”

    (After about 20 seconds of silence, the customer hangs up.)

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