How Is My Excuse? Call 1-800-NOT-ALWAYS-RIGHT

| Seattle, WA, USA | Uncategorized

Me: *on the phone* “Hi, thanks for calling ****. Can I help you?”

Caller: “Yes, I have a complaint about your delivery driver. He was driving too slow, and in the carpool lane.”

Me: “How fast was he going?”

Caller: “60 miles per hour.”

Me: “Well, sir, that is the speed limit. Was he by himself in the carpool lane?”

Caller: “No, there were two people.”

Me: “So, let me see if I understand. Your complaint is that my delivery driver was following the law?”

Caller: “Yes, and I want him fired, or at least reprimanded. He made me late for work!”

Me: “…”

Hypothetical Intelligence

| Newcastle, UK | Uncategorized

(I work for a political party and am making polling calls.)

Me: “Hello, my name is *** and I’m calling on behalf of the *** Party. Do you have time to take a quick survey for us?”

Caller: “Yes.”

Me: “Thank you. If there was a General Election tomorrow, who do you think you would vote for?”

Caller: “There’s a General Election tomorrow?”

Me: “No, but if there was, who do you think you would vote for?”

Caller: “I would have trouble getting to the polling station, are you offering a lift?”

Me: “No… it’s a hypothetical election about who would you vote for.”

Caller: “Sorry, I have to go to the doctors tomorrow!”

Me: *gives up*

Inconvenience Saves The Day

| London, UK | Uncategorized

Me: “Thank you for calling **** Pay Per View, this is **** speaking. How can I help you?”

Customer: “Uh, yeah…I, uh, used up all my credit, and I need you to give me some more.”

Me: “You can purchase credit on our website, or through the automated system on the phone. Would you like assistance with either of those?”

Customer: *yelling* “NO! WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?! YOU SAYING I’M STUPID?!”

Me: “Um, no…I was just offering to–”

Customer: “WELL, NOW I WANT IT FREE! I DEMAND ¬£20 FREE CREDIT!”

Me: “I can’t just hand out free credit like that, that’s not how it works. If you have a complaint, I can transfer you to that department–”

Customer: “NO!” *suddenly quiet* “Where is your office located?”

Me: “We’re in ****.”

Customer: “RIGHT! I’M GONNA COME DOWN THERE AND F*** YOU UP! I KNOW YOUR NAME, F***HEAD! I’LL F***ING FIND YOU!”

Me: “…”

Customer: “Wait, where is ****, exactly?”

Me: “Um…about an hour out of the city by bus or car.”

Customer: “What?! Really? That far? Nah…I’ll probably leave it so. Thanks anyway. Bye.” *hangs up*

Honk Twice For Bird Barrage

| Winchester, KY, USA | Uncategorized

(I work at a call center for truck drivers.)

Me: “Thank you for calling the service center. My name is ***, are you experiencing a breakdown?”

Trucker: “Yeah, I need a new windshield.”

Me: “Ok, sir. What happened to your current windshield?”

Trucker: “A bird went through it.”

Me: “Alright, a bird hit your windshield and cracked it, correct?”

Trucker: “No, the bird went THROUGH the windshield. It’s sitting in the passenger seat now and the windshield has a hole in it.”

Me: “So, what kind of bird is it?”

Trucker: “… a dead one.”

The Land Of Surf, Sun And Time Dilation

| Ohio, USA | Uncategorized

Me: “Thank you for calling ****, this is ****, how can I help you?”

Customer: “Yes, I’d like to place an order.”

Me: “I’d be happy to do that for you, however our ordering system is down. If you’d like to call back in 15 minutes, someone can help you with that.”

Customer: “OK, so is it 15 minutes Hawaii time, or your time?”

Me: “No…just 15 minutes…I’m pretty sure that’s the same no matter where you are, ma’am.”

Customer: “Oh! OK, thanks.”

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