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    Holy F***, Indeed

    | Orem, UT, USA |

    Customer: “You f***ing b****! I’ll have your f****ing a** fired for this!”

    Me: “Sir, I do not appreciate your abusive language. If you do not knock it off, I am going to have to hang up on you.”

    Customer:¬†”I’m sorry. I’m really not usually like this.”

    (I helps with the customer’s problem, which involves some downtime while the website processes his request.)

    Customer: “So, where are you?”

    Me: “We’re based out of Utah.”

    Customer: “I’m in Van Nuys, California. Do you know where that is, lady?”

    Me: “I actually do. I lived there for six months.”

    Customer: “No s***! What were you doing here?”

    Me: “I was a Mormon missionary.”

    Customer: “And what is your name?”

    Me: *gives name*

    Customer: “Holy f***. I know you. I’m the bishop!”

    Nothing Ventured, Nothing Gained

    , | Allentown, PA, USA |

    Caller: “I have an explanation of insurance benefits I need help with. There’s a charge on here you didn’t pay for.”

    Me: “It states here the billed amount is $0.00.”

    Caller: “Yes. Why didn’t you pay anything on it?”

    Me: “Well, there was no charge.”

    Caller: “But you’re my insurance! You are supposed to pay.”

    Me: “Ma’am, the doctor did not charge for this service. There was no amount billed.”

    Caller: “So I have to pay the doctor?”

    Me: “No, ma’am… he charged zero dollars. It was free.”

    Caller: “I don’t see why I pay for insurance if you’re not going to pay.”

    Me: “We gave the doctor what he asked for.”

    Caller: “So you’re going to pay him?”

    Me: *sigh* “Yes, ma’am. We’ll take care of this, and make sure you’re not charged.”

    Caller: “Ha! I told my husband if I called and argued with you, you’d cave!”

    Me: “Yes, ma’am. We do want to make you happy. Have a good day now…”

    America’s Debt Crisis, Explained

    | Tampa, FL, USA |

    Me: “Thank you for calling cardholder service, how may I help you?”

    Customer: “You sent me a bill. Why?”

    Me: “May I please have your card number?”

    Customer: “I threw it away when the balance was gone.”

    Me: “Um… can I have your social security number?”

    Customer: *gives number*

    Me: “I show your current balance is $10,027.31, due on 07/25/2008. Would you like to make a payment today so you do not get a late fee?”

    Customer: “What do you mean? Why did you send me a bill?”

    Me: “Sir, because you purchased those items you are required to repay the account.”

    Customer: “No. You gave me the money, so I spent it.”

    Me: “A credit card is a short term loan. You are required to pay it back.”

    Customer: “No, I’m not!” *click*

    (This is the third call like this in the past month.)

    Jack Of All Trades, Master Of None

    , | Minnesota, USA |

    (A customer is trying to cancel a non-refundable reservation at a hotel…)

    Me: “I apologize sir, but we will not be able to issue a refund at this time.”

    Customer: “I am a doctor and will have to attend to an emergency at that time. So, you need to refund me.”

    Me: “Again, I apologize, sir, but as the hotel is unwilling to refund, we will be unable to refund you at this time.”

    Customer: “Well, I guess I will just have to see you in court. I am a lawyer and I am going to sue you.”

    Me: “Sir, as a lawyer, I am sure you read over the terms and conditions of your reservation. As I am sure you noted, this reservation is nonrefundable. If you’d like, I’d can review the terms and conditions with you…”

    Customer: “The Catholic Church is going to curse you! I am a lawyer for the Catholic Church and I will tell the bishop to curse you!”

    (At this point, I didn’t know what to say to this multitalented doctor and lawyer for the Catholic Church.)

    A Bunch-O-Words It Be, Indeed

    | Brookings, OR, USA |

    Me:¬†”Thanks for calling *** support, how can I ¬†help you?”

    Caller: “I just bought sump’n down to the W-mart.”

    Me: “And how can I help you with that?”

    Caller: “Yup!”

    *long pause*

    Me: “Hello?”

    Caller: “Hey!”

    Me: “What is it I can help you with today?”

    Caller: “Got me one a dem orga, orgaz, origaniz, oregonize…”

    Me: “Organizer?”

    Caller: “Yup!”

    Me: “And what can I do for you in regards to the organizer?”

    Caller: “Well, it don’t do nuffin!”

    Me: “Sounds like you may need technical assistance on the device, and unfortunately you’ve reached the sales line. I would be happy to give you the accurate number.”

    Caller: “It free?”

    Me: “I’m sorry, no, the support line is not toll free.”

    Caller: “That’ll cost more-n-my origun, orgizen, org…”

    Me: “Organizer?”

    Caller: “Yup!”

    Me: “You may want to first consult the manual for information.”

    Caller: “That ol’ book don’t say nuffin but a bunch-o-words!”

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