Fifi Feels The Sting Of Government Bailouts

, | Florida, USA | Uncategorized

Me: “Thank you for calling [bank]. This is ****, how may I help you?”

Customer: “I just went to the drive-thru at the bank’s **** location, and they were very rude!”

Me: “I’m so sorry. Please explain what happened.”

Customer: “I go there every day, and they always give my dog a doggy biscuit. Today they didn’t give him a biscuit!”

Me: “I’m sorry. What else happened?”

Customer: “Well…that’s it, but I always have my dog with me and they always give him a treat. They told me they’re not doing that anymore!”

Me: “It’s not a requirement for the bank branches to give treats to customers’ pets.”

Customer: “I’m going to close my account if they don’t start giving out treats again!”

Me: “That is your decision to make. But again, it is not a requirement for a bank branch to give your dog treats.”

Customer: “This is ridiculous!” *click*

Used To Be That A Few Cans Tied Together Got You Online

| Ottawa, Ontario, Canada | Uncategorized

Caller: “I noticed I have a data block on my phone.”

Me: “Yes sir, that’s correct.”

Caller: “Will it stop the Internet?”

Me: “Yes sir, it blocks all incoming and outgoing kilobytes to the phone. This does include the prevention of Internet usage.”

Caller: “Kilobytes?”

Me: “It’s a measurement of data, sir.”

Caller: “Well, I want to keep my Internet!”

Me: “Then I’ll be more than happy to remove the blo–”

Caller: “But I want to keep my block too!”

Me: “Sir, the data block stops all incoming and outgoing data to your device. Since the Internet is made of data, it’ll get blocked too.”

Caller: “Since when did the Internet start being made out of data and kilobytes?”

1-800-KRYPTON

| San Francisco, CA, USA | Top

Me: “Dispatch, how may I help you?”

Caller: “Yes, I have an alarm going off.”

Me: “Okay, do you happen to have an account number?”

Caller: “No, I moved into this house five years ago and inherited the alarm system.”

Me: “Alright, address?”

Caller: *gives address*

Me: “Sir, I didn’t receive any notifications. Can you hold for a few minutes while I confirm with our other station?”

Caller: “I guess…”

(I call our other station, they tell me they have no record of the alarm.)

Me: “Sir?”

Caller: “Yes, yes, what?!”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir. Is the alarm still going off?”

Caller: “Yes, can’t you hear? Listen, I am a very important lawyer and I demand you turn this alarm off!”

Me: “Sir, our alarms reset in ten–”

Caller: “No, you listen to me, you little s***! I’d better not miss my meetings because you can’t turn off this alarm!”

(I hear the alarm getting louder and I’m pretty sure he can’t hear me, so…)

Me: “SON OF JOR-EL! KNEEL BEFORE ZOD!”

(The alarm in the background shuts off.)

Caller: “Oh wow! Thank you! Thank you so much!”

Me: “No problem, sir!”

Guardian Of The Tubes And Protector Of The Google

| Columbus, OH, USA | Top

Me: “Thank you for calling [cable company], how can I–”

Caller: “Yeah, I’ve heard all that already, sir, so I don’t need any more of your crap, okay?!”

Me: “Okay sir, what can I do to–”

Caller: “Look, buddy, my internet is down, and you need to get it up right now or I’m going to get your a** fired!”

Me: “Sir, I want to get this problem resolved for you just as soon as possible, but you need to–”

Caller: “I don’t need to do s***! That’s it! I want to speak to your supervisor. No, I want to speak to your supervisor’s supervisor! I WANT TO SPEAK TO THE MAYOR OF THE INTERNET!”

The Crazies Always Come Out When It’s Overcast

, | New York, NY, USA | Uncategorized

Me: “911, what is your emergency?”

Caller: “You have to help me! Someone has been following me all day!”

Me: “Can you give a description of the person?”

Caller: “She’s all black, taller than me, and no face.”

Me: “Ma’am…that’s your shadow.”

Caller: “A what?”

Me: “Ma’am, a shadow is seen as a reflection of yourself when the sun is at a certain angle.”

Caller: “Oh my GOD! It’s like a fairy!”

Me: “No, it–”

Caller: “OH MY GOD, EVERYONE! I HAVE A FAIRY!”

Me: “Have a nice day, ma’am.”

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