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    And The Problem Solves Itself

    | Louisville, KY, USA |

    Me: “Thank you for calling. May I please verify your address and phone number?”

    (The caller rattles off an address, including the apartment number.)

    Caller: “… that’s why I’m calling. What’s this about a ‘dog’ in my address?”

    (I notice her address has the words “DASIN DOG”.)

    Me: ¬†”I’m sorry, ma’am. I have no explanation for that. I can certainly remove it.¬†Also, we don’t seem to have your apartment number. Would you mind repeating that for me?”

    Caller: “D!¬†D as in Dog!”

    Sure, Let Me Get On My Hamster Wheel

    | Boise, ID, USA |

    (This was during a HUGE power outage in New York. The entire city was out of power.)

    Me: “Thanks for calling, my name is Carrie. How can I help you?”

    Customer: “My TV is not working.”

    Me: “Okay, what’s it doing?”

    Customer: “It won’t turn on.”

    (I notice that the customer is in New York.)

    Me: “The power is out through your entire city.”

    Customer: “But my TV won’t turn on.”

    Me: “Right, your TV runs on electricity, and won’t work without it.”

    Customer: “I just want to watch TV! Why won’t it turn on?”

    Me: “Can you go to a light switch and see if that works?”

    Customer: “That’s not why I called! I want to watch TV.”

    Me: “Without power, you won’t be able to watch your TV.”

    Customer: “Then fix it!”

    One Last Parting Shot, Part 2

    | Panama City, FL, USA |

    Me: Thank you for calling ***. How may I assist you?

    Customer: “Yes! Finally! There is something wrong with my cellphone.”

    Me: “Alright, ma’am. I’ll be more than glad to help you with that. What seems to be the problem?”

    Customer: “I can’t call out.”

    Me: “Ma’am, it appears that everything is working just fine from both ends. What exactly is happening when you try to call out from your phone?”

    Customer: “Absolutely nothing! Jesus, are you stupid! I already told you that.”

    Me: “Right… let’s try this: turn your phone off and then back on. Maybe you just need to reset it.”

    Customer: *resets phone* “Okay, that’s done… and it’s still not working.”

    Me: “This is very strange. I can’t imagine why it would not be working. Try this for me, dial a number out and let’s see if you get an error message now that the phone has been reset.”

    Customer: “You stupid little b****! THERE IS NO F***ING DIAL TONE!”

    Me: “Erm, excuse me?”

    Customer: “How can I dial a number if I don’t have a dial tone?”

    Me: “Ma’am, the phone you’re using is wireless. It’s not going to have a dial tone.”

    Customer: “You really think I’m that stupid? My last cell phone had a dial tone!”

    Me: “I assure you, it did not.”

    Customer: “Listen to me, I have been around a lot longer than you. I think I know how to work a g**d*** phone! Who the h*** do you think you are?!”

    Me: “Humor me, please! Just dial a number, any number and see what happens when you hit send.”

    Customer: “Whatever!” *presses buttons on phone*

    (She has the phone on speaker, and I can obviously hear that the call has gone through.)

    Customer: “Well… I… the last… F*** YOU!” *click

    Related:
    One Last Parting Shot

    Darwin Called, He Wants His Prehensile Thumb Back

    , | Phoenix, AZ, USA |

    Me: “Thank you for holding. I hear you need some help getting your car opened?”

    Caller: “Yeah, my battery went dead and so I can’t get my doors open!”

    Me: “Did you lock your keys in your car?”

    Caller: “No, it’s just that I have electronic locks, and the battery is dead so I can’t get the doors open!”

    Me: “Um, did you try to open the door manually?”

    Caller: “How do I do that? ”

    Me: “You stick your key into the door lock on the outside of the door. Turn it and it should unlock.”

    Caller: “OH! YOU CAN DO THAT?!”

    Dr. Jekyll And Mrs. Hyde

    | Camp Hill, PA, USA |

    Me: “Thank you for calling, this is ***. How may I help you today?”

    Customer: *cheerful* “I need you to check my account.”

    Me: “Certainly, I’d be happy to do that for you. May I have your identification number so I can look you up in our system please?”

    Customer: “My what? Why would you want that? Don’t you know who I am?”

    Me: “Unfortunately not, ma’am. We have no real way of knowing who is on the other end of the line unless you give us either that number or your social security number.”

    Customer: *suddenly demonic* “HOW DARE YOU! YOU’RE ONE OF THOSE TERRORISTS, AREN’T YOU?!”

    Me: “Um… excuse me?”

    Customer: “YOU want my social so you can steal my identity, don’t you? That’s why you called me, to steal my credit score, you little punk!”

    Me: “Ma’am, you called me. This is your insurance company. Just read me the number on the front of your card so I can look up your account information.”

    Customer: *suddenly cheerful again* “Oh, is that all? Why didn’t you just say so? My number is ***.”

    Me: “Ma’am, it seems your account is handled by a different department than mine. Would you like me to give you their direct number before I transfer you?”

    Customer: *back to demonic* “YOU TRICKED ME! You tricked me out of my information! I’m calling the FBI on you, you little c**t!”

    Me: *transfers call*

    (I have never been so happy to transfer a caller. I logged the call, and later that day received an internal office email from some rep in another part of the state. All it said was “WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY????”)

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