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    Dr. Jekyll And Mrs. Hyde

    | Camp Hill, PA, USA |

    Me: “Thank you for calling, this is ***. How may I help you today?”

    Customer: *cheerful* “I need you to check my account.”

    Me: “Certainly, I’d be happy to do that for you. May I have your identification number so I can look you up in our system please?”

    Customer: “My what? Why would you want that? Don’t you know who I am?”

    Me: “Unfortunately not, ma’am. We have no real way of knowing who is on the other end of the line unless you give us either that number or your social security number.”

    Customer: *suddenly demonic* “HOW DARE YOU! YOU’RE ONE OF THOSE TERRORISTS, AREN’T YOU?!”

    Me: “Um… excuse me?”

    Customer: “YOU want my social so you can steal my identity, don’t you? That’s why you called me, to steal my credit score, you little punk!”

    Me: “Ma’am, you called me. This is your insurance company. Just read me the number on the front of your card so I can look up your account information.”

    Customer: *suddenly cheerful again* “Oh, is that all? Why didn’t you just say so? My number is ***.”

    Me: “Ma’am, it seems your account is handled by a different department than mine. Would you like me to give you their direct number before I transfer you?”

    Customer: *back to demonic* “YOU TRICKED ME! You tricked me out of my information! I’m calling the FBI on you, you little c**t!”

    Me: *transfers call*

    (I have never been so happy to transfer a caller. I logged the call, and later that day received an internal office email from some rep in another part of the state. All it said was “WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY????”)

    Holy F***, Indeed

    | Orem, UT, USA |

    Customer: “You f***ing b****! I’ll have your f****ing a** fired for this!”

    Me: “Sir, I do not appreciate your abusive language. If you do not knock it off, I am going to have to hang up on you.”

    Customer:¬†”I’m sorry. I’m really not usually like this.”

    (I helps with the customer’s problem, which involves some downtime while the website processes his request.)

    Customer: “So, where are you?”

    Me: “We’re based out of Utah.”

    Customer: “I’m in Van Nuys, California. Do you know where that is, lady?”

    Me: “I actually do. I lived there for six months.”

    Customer: “No s***! What were you doing here?”

    Me: “I was a Mormon missionary.”

    Customer: “And what is your name?”

    Me: *gives name*

    Customer: “Holy f***. I know you. I’m the bishop!”

    Nothing Ventured, Nothing Gained

    , | Allentown, PA, USA |

    Caller: “I have an explanation of insurance benefits I need help with. There’s a charge on here you didn’t pay for.”

    Me: “It states here the billed amount is $0.00.”

    Caller: “Yes. Why didn’t you pay anything on it?”

    Me: “Well, there was no charge.”

    Caller: “But you’re my insurance! You are supposed to pay.”

    Me: “Ma’am, the doctor did not charge for this service. There was no amount billed.”

    Caller: “So I have to pay the doctor?”

    Me: “No, ma’am… he charged zero dollars. It was free.”

    Caller: “I don’t see why I pay for insurance if you’re not going to pay.”

    Me: “We gave the doctor what he asked for.”

    Caller: “So you’re going to pay him?”

    Me: *sigh* “Yes, ma’am. We’ll take care of this, and make sure you’re not charged.”

    Caller: “Ha! I told my husband if I called and argued with you, you’d cave!”

    Me: “Yes, ma’am. We do want to make you happy. Have a good day now…”

    America’s Debt Crisis, Explained

    | Tampa, FL, USA |

    Me: “Thank you for calling cardholder service, how may I help you?”

    Customer: “You sent me a bill. Why?”

    Me: “May I please have your card number?”

    Customer: “I threw it away when the balance was gone.”

    Me: “Um… can I have your social security number?”

    Customer: *gives number*

    Me: “I show your current balance is $10,027.31, due on 07/25/2008. Would you like to make a payment today so you do not get a late fee?”

    Customer: “What do you mean? Why did you send me a bill?”

    Me: “Sir, because you purchased those items you are required to repay the account.”

    Customer: “No. You gave me the money, so I spent it.”

    Me: “A credit card is a short term loan. You are required to pay it back.”

    Customer: “No, I’m not!” *click*

    (This is the third call like this in the past month.)

    Jack Of All Trades, Master Of None

    , | Minnesota, USA |

    (A customer is trying to cancel a non-refundable reservation at a hotel…)

    Me: “I apologize sir, but we will not be able to issue a refund at this time.”

    Customer: “I am a doctor and will have to attend to an emergency at that time. So, you need to refund me.”

    Me: “Again, I apologize, sir, but as the hotel is unwilling to refund, we will be unable to refund you at this time.”

    Customer: “Well, I guess I will just have to see you in court. I am a lawyer and I am going to sue you.”

    Me: “Sir, as a lawyer, I am sure you read over the terms and conditions of your reservation. As I am sure you noted, this reservation is nonrefundable. If you’d like, I’d can review the terms and conditions with you…”

    Customer: “The Catholic Church is going to curse you! I am a lawyer for the Catholic Church and I will tell the bishop to curse you!”

    (At this point, I didn’t know what to say to this multitalented doctor and lawyer for the Catholic Church.)

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