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    They Stop Terrorists, Thwart Criminals, and Return Blenders

    | Washington, USA |

    Customer: *on the phone* “My order number is ****.”

    Me: “OK, I’ve got your order up on my screen. How can I help you, sir?”

    Customer: “You shipped me this product, and I did not order it.”

    Me: “Are you **** of **** Street?”

    Customer: “Yes. I was on your website and I selected this product, and hit the ‘Submit Order’ button, but I didn’t order it.”

    Me: “When you hit ‘Submit Order’ and get an order number, and an email confirming your order, that means you have submitted an order.”

    Customer: “But I haven’t paid for this product, so I didn’t order it.”

    Me: “That’s because you selected the ‘Bill Me Later’ option.”

    Customer: “Fine. Then guess what I’m going to do? I’m going to keep this product, and I’m never going to pay you for it. Sucker.”

    Me: “That’s your choice, sir, but if you don’t either return the product we sent you or pay by the due date, your account will be sent to a collection agency for recovery.”

    Customer: “I am calling the FBI to report you.”

    Me: “For what, sir?”

    Customer: “I’m going to tell them that you sent me a product that I didn’t pay for, and they’re going to shut you crooks down.”

    Me: “So you’re going to call the FBI, and tell them that you ordered a product from us, and now you’re refusing to pay for it OR send it back.”

    Customer: “Don’t you twist my words. I’m calling the FBI on YOU, not ME.”

    Me: “That’s your choice, sir, but wouldn’t it be easier to just send the product back if you don’t want it?”

    Customer: “I do want it. I’m just not paying for it. You’ve wasted enough of my time. I’m hanging up now and calling the FBI.” *hangs up*

    (I checked his account later and saw that the guy paid his bill in full before it was even due. I guess things didn’t pan out with the FBI.)

    Insanity Comes Through Loud And Clear

    | Alberta, Canada | Top

    (This guy called in and got the wrong department, and the correct department was in another city, or perhaps country.)

    Me: “I’m sorry, but I can’t access your account from my department. If you’ll let me put you on hold, I’ll transfer you to someone who–”

    Customer: “No! Every time I get put on hold I get dropped.”

    Me: “Well, I can’t help you unless you let me put you–”

    Customer: “Stop interrupting me!”

    Me: “I… I’m not–”

    Customer: “Yes you are! Do we have to start using the over-and-out method?”

    Me: “I’m not sure what–”

    Customer: “After everything I say, I say ‘over’. Then you can talk. Then you say ‘over’, and I can talk.”

    Me: “I’m not really sure that’s nessec–”

    Customer: “Now, I need to put more minutes on my phone. Over.”

    Me: “I’m in the post-paid department and I can’t access Prepaid accounts here. If you’ll let me transfer you I can get someone who can help you. Over.”

    Customer: “No. I refuse to be put on hold. Just get someone to come over and use your phone.”

    (There is a long pause.)

    Customer: “…hello? Are you ignoring me?” *another long pause* “HELLOOOOOO!”

    Me: “…you didn’t say ‘over’.”

    Sometimes You Want To Go Where Everybody Has A Name

    | Pittsburgh, PA, USA |

    Me: “Hello, thank you for calling ****. This is Bryan, may I have your account number?”

    Customer: “Bryan who?”

    Me: “I’m sorry ma’am, for security purposes I’m unable to provide you with my last name. For reference I can provide you my ID number.”

    Customer: “That won’t do, you need to have a last name. I can’t speak to someone without a last name. Make one up please, for my sake.”

    Me: “…OK, for the purposes of this call my name is Bryan Jones.”

    Customer: “Thank you, Mr. Jones. I…”

    (My name isn’t Jones.)

    Why Our Contracts Are A Gazillion Pages Long

    , | Indiana, USA |

    Caller: “Hello, my cellphone bill is more than it is supposed to be.”

    Me: “Okay, I see that your bill is $4.00 more than normal. Let’s see why.”

    Caller: “You had better figure this out. I’m not going to pay it if you’re trying to screw me!”

    Me: “I see the problem, You actually called Canada.”

    Caller: “I have nationwide calling! I can call Canada if I want to.”

    Me: “Actually, if you have nationwide calling, you’re only okay in the United States.”

    Caller: “So? Canada is part of North America.”

    Me: “Yes, but not the United States…”

    Caller: “What about Colorado?”

    Me: “Yes, Colorado is okay.”

    Caller: “What about… Vietnam?”

    Me: “Umm, no, that would be a bit international.”

    Caller: “Fine! I’ll pay it this time, but maybe you guys should be a bit more clear on what your national service consists of!”

    Rescue 911, Transylvania Edition

    , | West Palm Beach, FL, USA |

    (Note: South County is a psychiatric institution.)

    911: “911, what is your emergency?”

    Caller: “Yeah, I’m sorry to bother you but I am checking into South County tomorrow. I’m afraid to go cause there is a guy who works there who wears a star and says he’s a vampire.”

    911: “People are allowed to be vampires if they want to be, ma’am.”

    Caller: “Oh yeah? What if he tried to bite me?”

    911: “Did he try to bite you?”

    Caller: “No.”

    911: “Give us a call back if he tries to bite you.”

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