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    It’s Gonna Be A Long Call, Part 4

    , | Louisville, KY, USA |

    (I was helping a customer sign into their email.)

    Me: “Okay, I need you to type ‘A’ as in ‘Apple’.”

    Customer: “Now, don’t get all technical on me!”

    Related:
    It’s Gonna Be A Long Call, Part 3
    It’s Gonna Be A Long Call, Part 2
    It’s Gonna Be A Long Call

    Up and Running

    , | Chicago, IL, USA |

    (I work at an incoming call center for a well known adult website. Most of our calls deal with technical problems or issues with logging-in to the sites. Most of them, anyway….)

    Caller: “Good afternoon, sir. I’m having some issues here.”

    Me: “That’s what we’re here for! What can I do to help?”

    Caller: “Well, I’m sitting here looking at all these beautiful women and, well, I just can’t seem to get an erection.”

    Me: “Sir…that is NOT something that I can help you with!”

    Heaven Sent Deliveries, Moses Speaking

    | Ohio, USA |

    Caller: ¬†”My furniture is scheduled for delivery today and I have a big problem: it’s going to snow!”

    Me: “Okay, we can reschedule you for–”

    Caller: “No, I need it delivered today!”

    Me: “What would you like me to do?”

    Caller: “I want you to make it not snow!”

    Me: “… Excuse me?”

    Caller: “I want you to make it not snow during my delivery!”

    Me: “Ma’am, I can’t control the weather.”

    Caller: “WHY NOT?!”

    Drunk Dialin’

    | London, ON, Canada |

    Me: “Thank you for calling [phone company], how may I help you?”

    Customer: *slurring* “Yeeeaah, you f***ers owe me a 40 of Jack Daniels!”

    Me: “Pardon me?”

    Customer: “I SAID YOU OWE ME A 40 OF JACK!”

    Me: “Why is that, sir?”

    Customer: “Well, youse is the phone company, right? Youse guys make the phones ring, right?”

    Me: “Umm…”

    Customer: “My phone f***ing rang and I knocked my bottle over tryin’ to get it.”

    Me: “Oh, right.” *laughs*

    Customer: “YOU THINK I’M JOKIN’?! Get me a manager!”

    Me: “Sir, we’re not responsible for you knocking over your liquor.”

    Customer: “Yes you f***in’ are! I want a credit on my bill!”

    Me: *click*

    The Perfect Customer

    | Toronto, ON, Canada |

    (A customer wants a better plan than her current 150 minutes/month. I notice she never uses more than 100 minutes or so a month.)

    Me: ¬†”Well, Ma’am, since our plans have change and this amount of minutes seems to be perfect for you, I’m happy to tell you that I can give you the exact same plan for $30 a month and save you $10 a month.”

    Customer: “That’s not a deal. I said I wanted something better than what I have.”

    Me: “This is better. You’ll save $120 a year and based upon your usage, so this is perfect for you.”

    Customer: “How is this better for me if it’s the same plan? I don’t want to change.”

    Me: “So you don’t want me to change this to a $10 per month cheaper plan?”

    Customer: ¬†”I said NO! I don’t want to save money if I get no more minutes out of it.”

    Me: “Deal.”

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