October Theme Of The Month: Halloween!

They Call Me Doctor DIY

, , | New Jersey, USA | Uncategorized

(We sell dental surgical products and sometimes have to give instructions on their usage. A doctor calls in from the operating room and has me on speakerphone while they’re operating on a patient, who may or may not be under anesthesia.)

Doctor: “The screw is not going in. Which way do I turn it?”

Me: “Clockwise.”

Doctor: “Clockwise from above or below?”

Me: “If you are looking at the head of the screw, then clockwise…to the right.”

Doctor: “What do you mean to the right? Move the wrench to the right?”

Me: “As the screw turns, and you are looking at the head, the top part will go to the right.”

Doctor: “Okay, I think i got it.”

Me: “Good. Righty tighty, lefty loosey.”

Doctor: “What was that?”

Me: “Uh, righty tighty, lefty loosey? That’s one way to remember. You go to the right to tighten, and the left to loosen.”

Doctor: “Oh, I see. Righty tighty, lefty loosey!” *noise of wrench turning* “Righty tighty, lefty loosey. It’s working!”

Me: “Great. All finished?”

(The doctor suddenly speaks up much louder than before. It’s clear they’re not talking to me.)

Doctor: “You’re all done then!”

Patient: *in the distance* “Uh, thank you doctor.”

No Ifs, Ends, Or Butts

, | Kansas City, MO, USA | Uncategorized

Me: “Thank you for calling [insurance company]. How may I help you?”

Customer: “Yes. I need to know if my insurance covers a butt indent.”

Me: “I’m sorry…could you say that again?”

Customer: “I need to know if my car insurance covers a butt indent. There’s one on the hood of my car. What is that covered under and how much is my deductible?”

Me: “Um…do you know how it got there?”

Customer: “No. It looks like a small butt, though.”

Me: “Well, I can’t tell you what it would be covered under until I know how it got there. Do you know if it was the result of a collision or not?”

Customer: “What?”

Me: “You have two different deductibles for your comprehensive coverage and your collision coverage. Do you know how the…butt ended up there? ”

Customer: “No, but it’s a small butt on the hood of my car!”

Me: “Well, your comprehensive deductible is $250 and your collision is $500. Would you like me to submit a claim and let the claim adjuster handle it from here?”

Customer: “Oh no! I don’t want to make a claim. I was just wondering if it would be covered if I wanted to file one. Thanks!” *hangs up*

Identity Bereft

| McAllen, TX, USA | Uncategorized

Caller: “What is your name?”

Me: “Jennifer.”

Caller: “Jonathan?”

Me: “Jennifer.”

Caller: “Jonathan?”


Caller: “Jonathan?”

Me: *giving up* “Yes, Jonathan.”

Caller: “But that’s a boys name!”

Me: “Yes, yes it is…”

Bananas About The Boob Tube

| Northampton, UK | Uncategorized

(I work in the home insurance department for a large insurer. We offer standard Buildings and Contents with an optional add-on of Home Emergency. This is for burst pipes, boilers going down, etc.)

Me: “Good afternoon, you’re through to [name]. How can I help you today?”

Customer: “I’ve just bought a new TV. Is it covered under my Contents insurance?”

Me: “Yes, it will be covered under Contents.”

Customer: “And is it covered under Home Emergency?”

Me: “Sorry, how do you mean?”

Customer: *sighs* “I MEAN, how long will it take for you to get a replacement television out to me if this one stops working?”

Me: “Um…unfortunately your television is not covered under Home Emergency.”

Customer: “Why not?!”

Me: “We don’t class a broken television as an emergency.”

Customer: “Well I do, and I know I’m right! What do I do if my television breaks and I can’t watch my programmes? GOD D*** PHONE MONKEYS!” *hangs up*

Defrauding A Village In Order To Save It

| Melbourne, Australia | Uncategorized

(A customer calls in wanting to cancel her son’s car insurance. After going back and forth for 20 minutes, she asks to speak to me, the manager.)

Me: “Thank you for holding, Mrs. S.”

Caller: “I want to cancel my son’s car insurance. Why won’t you let me?”

Me: “Because the insurance is a legally binding contract between us and your son, and only he has the legal authority to cancel the contract.”

Caller: But he’s been in London for months and won’t be back until next year. The car’s just sitting there!

Me: “Well, we would need your son to cancel or authorise you to act on his behalf. He can call us on [number], or he could send us a fax with the details.”

Caller: “Don’t be ridiculous, he can’t call from England! I’m his mother! I should be able to do it for him.”

(We went round and round in circles for another 15 minutes, then…)

Caller: “I’m going to sue you for sexual discrimination!”

Me: “Sorry?”

Caller: “I’m going to sue you AND your company for sexual discrimination.”

Me: “Um, on what grounds?”

Caller: “Because if I had gotten my husband to ring you, he could have pretended to be our son and you wouldn’t have known it wasn’t him. I’m a woman and can’t impersonate my son, and that’s sexual discrimination!”

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