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    Creative Ways To Use Google Earth

    , | Tampa, FL, USA | Top

    Me: “Thank you for calling [bank], may I please have your 16-digit account number?”

    Customer: “I can’t.”

    Me: “That’s fine, may I please have your SS number so I’m able to find you?”

    Customer: “No!”

    Me: “How can I help you today?”

    Customer: “I need my balance right now!”

    Me: “Okay, I can help you with that, but I need to be able to look you up in the computer. Do you have your account number or your social security number?”

    Customer: “I’m on a cell phone. I can’t give you that, it’s not SECURE!”

    Me: “Umm…okay? Would you like to call us back on a land line so that your call is more ‘secure’?”

    Customer: “I’m busy! Can’t you just give me my balance?”

    Me: “I can as soon as I’m able to look you up in the computer. How would you like me to do that?”

    Customer: “I’m not going to do your job for you! Now tell me my balance!”

    (At this point, I’ve had enough.)

    Me: “Okay, sir. Do you have your credit card with you?”

    Customer: “Yes.”

    Me: “Can you please take it out of your wallet and hold it above your head?”

    Customer: “Okay, I’m doing that.”

    Me: “Thank you, may I please put you on hold while I contact NASA to move the satellite to your location and send us a picture?”

    Customer: “Okay, just don’t take too long about it!”

    (I place the customer on hold and go on break. Surprisingly, he’s still there when I get back.)

    Me: “I’m sorry sir, we were unable to read the picture. Did you move at all?”

    Customer: “Yeah, I put it back in my wallet.”

    Me: “Okay, that’s the problem. Could you please just read it to me so I can look up your balance?”

    Customer: “NO, I TOLD YOU I’M ON A CELL PHONE AND IN A HURRY!” *customer hangs up*

    (My boss didn’t know if I should be fired or given a award.)

    I Bet It’s Dying From Stupid Owneritis

    | Sao Paulo, Brazil |

    (I used to work at this cellphone carrier like Vodafone or Cingular and people usually messed up who they were talking to.)

    Me: “Good evening, who am I talking to?”

    Customer: “Please, call an ambulance!”

    Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am. We can’t make outgoing calls here. Not even for an ambulance. Please hang up and make the call.”

    Customer: “You don’t understand. I need an ambulance NOW!”

    Me: “I understand. But we can’t call it for you!”

    Customer: “Please help me! My cat is dying!”

    Me: “Your…what?”

    Customer: “My cat! He’s lying on the floor and making weird noises. He’s dying, I need an ambulance.”

    (I was never sure if this was a prank call cause the lady sounded pretty serious.)

    Me: “Well, ma’am, you really will have to call the vet yourself.”

    Customer: “No! I need an ambulance. You can’t refuse to help me like this. I’ll sue you!”

    Me: “…for what?”

    Customer: “For neglecting help to someone in need! You could have called an ambulance already!”

    Me: “You could too if you had just hang up and called somebody yourself, ma’am!”

    Customer: “Fine, but if my cat dies, I’ll call you back!” *click*

    Hopefully, She’s Not Also Topless

    | Louisville, KY, USA |

    (Working in tech support, I talk to some pretty dumb people every day. This was a particular highlight of the week.)

    Me: “Go ahead and check the icons in the bottom right hand corner of your screen for me.”

    Customer: “I have no bottom right.”

    Me: “Ma’am, everything has a bottom right.”

    Everyone’s A Comedian

    , | Richmond, VA, USA |

    (A customer calls our store and asks about a computer.)

    Customer: “Hello, I was wondering how big the hard drives in y’all’s computers are?”

    Me: “Well the largest hard drive size we have is 1 terabyte. You can get four of those–”

    Customer: *cuts me off* “A terawhat? I’ve heard of a pterodactyl!” *screeches like a pterodactyl might have and hangs up the phone*

    That’s Assuming If A Woodchuck Could Chuck Wood

    | Louisiana, USA | Top

    (This was my last week at a very lousy sales job working for a major jewelry manufacturer that deals exclusively with jewelers on a screened account basis.)

    Me: “Thank you for calling *****. How can I help you?”

    Customer: “I need a price check on a diamond.”

    (We go through a drawn out process of finding the stone he wants, a large carat, high grade diamond. I quote him the price in the system.)

    Customer: “That can’t be right! That’s too expensive!”

    Me: “It’s the price I have in the system, sir. If you like, we can look for a different piece?”

    Customer: “NO! It has to be that one! Are you sure that’s the right price?”

    Me: “Yes, sir.”

    Customer: “Are you absolutely certain?”

    Me: “Absolutely, sir.”

    Customer: “And that’s in dollars, right?”

    (At this point, I’m fed up and not really concerned with whether I get fired or not at this point. I answer in my most sincere deadpan.)

    Me: “No, sir. That’s in woodchucks. We deal exclusively in fresh, live woodchucks.”

    (I hear a bark of laughter from one of the call monitoring agents on the next row, which gets even louder when the customer asks if I’m serious.)


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