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    Rudolph The Boob-Nosed Reinder

    | California, USA |

    Me: “Thank you for calling ***, this is Bill in the breast aesthetics department. How may I help you?”

    Customer: “My left boob popped.”

    Me: “Okay, so the implant failed?”

    Customer: “Yes.”

    Me: “Are your implants silicone gel or saline?”

    Customer: “The water kind.”

    Me: “So, we’ve had a saline deflation. I need to ask you some questions in regards to how it may have deflated.”

    Customer: “Why, don’t you believe me?”

    Me: “Of course I believe you, but as part of making our implants even better and evaluating where under the device’s warranty this falls, I need to know what may have led up to the implant’s leak.”

    Customer: “Oh, so you think this is my fault?! You make a crappy implant and you have the nerve to blame me?”

    Me: “Wait, wait. First, I didn’t make your implant, my company did. I’m here to help you get this fixed in the fastest way possible and that starts with finding out how the implant deflated.”

    Customer: “So you want to know what I did to screw them up, is that right? I spend a fortune on these things to be walking around with a flat tire of a tit and you think it’s my fault?”

    Me: “No, ma’am. I simply need to know how to cover this under your warranty, to see how much money we are going to give you to fix the problem. We give you a check for money to fix the problem if you’ll just answer my questions. What do you remember doing when you first noticed the deflation in your breast?”

    Customer: “Me and my boyfriend were playing sex hide-and-seek in the house and he thought it would be more fun if my boobs glowed. So, he used a needle tube to insert little red lights into them… what do you call those little glowing lights? It’s like three letters?”

    Me: “… A diode?”

    Customer: “Yes. He’s a trained professional… he uses them on animals at his job all the time.”

    Me: “So, your boyfriend punched a hole in your chest and tried inserting a diode inside the implant?”

    Customer: “Well, not in my chest. Just on the top side of my boob so it wouldn’t hurt. He numbed it first.”

    Me: “… And this is the implant’s fault, how?”

    Customer: “It started leaking and getting flat.”

    Me: *laughing* “I’m sorry, can you repeat that? I’m recording this and no one is going to believe me!”

    Customer: *click*

    Also seen on: Not Always Romantic.

    He’s Gonna Need A Huge Courtroom

    | Boise, ID, USA |

    (Note: I’m calling to renew magazine subscriptions.)

    Me: “Hello, may I speak with ***?”

    Customer: “This is him, and you know… I’ve gotten five calls from Boise Idaho today!”

    Me: “So sorry, but I assure you it wasn’t us. Our system only calls once per day.”

    Customer: “Do you work for them! Do you work for Boise Idaho?”

    Me: “Yeah, I guess. But there are a number of call centers here in Boise. Maybe one of them called you?”

    Customer: “No! It was Boise Idaho! You know what? This is what’s going to happen… let me have your name!”

    Me: *gives name*

    Customer: “Well, son, you are now involved in a lawsuit! I am suing Boise Idaho and everyone who works for Boise Idaho!”

    Me: “… Are you serious?”

    Customer: “Yes! I get calls all the time from Boise Idaho and I’m sick of it! I’m on a do not call list!”

    Me: “Well, you subscribed to this magazine, so the list doesn’t apply. However, I can put you on our system’s do not call list and we will never bother you again.”

    Customer: “This is so illegal. I’m taking your job and suing Boise Idaho!”

    Me: “I wish you the best of luck in suing Boise, Idaho sir, I really do.” *click*

    Marital Bliss, In All Its Forms, Part 2

    | Des Moines, IA, USA |

    (I’ve just done a sales pitch for internet service.)

    Customer: “Oh honey, I’m 73. I wouldn’t know that to do with the internet. I can hardly run the computer my daughter gave me.”

    Me: “Well, I’ll be honest. I’m 24 and I do struggle with them from time to time.”

    Customer: “Boy, I sure wouldn’t want to be your age, what with all the bad things happening in the world today.”

    Me: “I don’t know, I’m pretty optimistic most of the time. I think we’ll be okay.”

    Customer: “You’ve never been married, have you?”

    Related:
    Marital Bliss, In All Its Forms

    Also seen on: Not Always Romantic.

    Barking Up The Wrong Tree

    | San Diego, CA, USA |

    Me: “This is Mark, can I help you?”

    Customer: “Yeah, I want a discount on my services.”

    Me: “I’d be glad to see if you qualify for a promotion on a new service–”

    Customer: “No, I mean on my current services.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am. We don’t have any promotions like that; they’re only for new services.”

    Customer: “Well, this is bulls***! I shouldn’t have to pay for Spanish channels that I don’t watch and can’t understand. Let the Mexicans pay extra for those, not me!”

    Me: “Ma’am, we cater to our demographic, and California as a whole has a very large Hispanic population including MYSELF and my family.”

    Customer: “That’s terrible! I’m on a budget and don’t think I should be charged for these.”

    Me: “Again, I’m sorry ma’am, but that’s just how are services are offered.”

    Customer: “Well I’ll tell you this… you better watch out, because before you know it, a MEXICAN is gonna take your job!”

    Me: “… Alright then, ma’am. Gracias por llamar a *** que tenga un buen dia.” *click*

    Why It Pays To Be Nice

    | The Netherlands |

    Me: “Good Afternoon, How may i help you?”

    Customer: “I got my order today but you guys have billed something for 12 euro instead of 10 euro.”

    Me: “I see that the calendar has been charged for 12 euro. What should it have been?”

    Customer: “10 euro. The card says you pay 10 euro if its the third item you purchased out of the catalogue.”

    Me: “Ma’am I can only see you purchased one item out of the catalogue. The other item was the special offer we gave on the phone so that is why the calendar cost 12 instead of 10 euro.”

    Customer: “But they told me that i could get it for 10 euro! If I don’t, then cancel my whole subscription!”

    Me: “Ma’am, I unfortunately cannot do anything about this. Those are the rules and they are clearly written on the card, as you can see.”

    Customer: “Okay, fine then. I will pay the d*** bill and you can cancel my subscription!”

    Me: “Alright, ma’am. I canceled the subscription. Have a nice day.”

    Customer: “Bye!” *click*

    Manager: “If she had stayed polite to you, we would have changed it for her, you know?”

    Me: “Yeah, I know.”

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