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    It’s No Net Loss

    | Glasgow, UK | Uncategorized

    Customer: “I’ve just received a leaflet for broadband from you. What’s broadband?”

    Me: “It’s a faster type of internet.”

    Customer: “What’s internet?”

    Me: “It’s a method of accessing information through a computer.”

    Customer: “What’s a computer?”

    Me: “I don’t think this offer is for you, sir.”

    Trial By Telephone Wire

    | New Brunswick, Canada | Uncategorized

    Caller: “I keep getting calls from you people and I want them to stop!”

    Me: “Ma’am, what are the calls regarding?”

    Caller: “I don’t know! They say they want to verify who they’re calling?”

    Me: “Is it as though the caller doesn’t know who they’re calling?”

    Caller: “Yes, and I want them to stop”

    Me: “Well, ma’am, I can certainly connect you to our do-not-call line. All you have to do is listen to the prompt and hit the appropriate key.”

    (The caller continues to goes on tirade, which turns out to be a different company than the one I work for. Literally every second word is a curse. I finally decide to cut in and stop her.)

    Me: *very politely* “Ma’am, you’re calling [my company]. We have nothing to do with [other company] and any calls they might be giving you. However, I would be happy to get you the phone number for [other company] if you would wait a moment.”

    Caller: *pauses a moment* “Oh…oh my gosh. I am so sorry! You…were so nice! Why were you so nice to me? I was swearing at you!”

    Me: “Ma’am, I’ve worked at three different call centers, and nothing will ever compare to what people called me in tech support.”

    Caller: “Oh, okay. That makes sense!”

    Charitable Mis-Trust

    | Kansas, USA | Uncategorized

    Me: “Hello, this is *** calling on behalf of the [charitable organization]. Am I speaking with Mrs. ***?”

    Customer: “Yes, what’s this about?”

    Me: “Well, I’m calling because you pledged a $100 donation to the [charitable organization] but unfortunately, the donation was never received. Would you like me to send you a return envelope?”

    Customer: “I never pledged $100. Are you sure you have the right name?”

    Me: “Well, maybe the donation was made by your husband. It will take me a few moments to get to that screen on my computer and then we can get this all straightened out.”

    Customer: “No, my husband would’ve told me if he’d pledged money. I really think you have the wrong number.”

    Me: “According to our records the pledge was made under the name ‘Ryan’. Is that your husband?”

    Customer: “No. That’s my nine-year-old son.”

    Me: “Oh…I’m so sorry ma’am, that pledge should not have gone through the system. I can cancel it for you if you’d like. I really do apologize.”

    Customer: “No! Don’t cancel it. If he promised you $100, then by God, he’s going to have to find a way to pay you that $100!”

    Me: “Ma’am, really, that’s not necessary. Our reps should have verified his age before accepting a donation from him. Really, it’s no trouble at all for me to cancel it for you.”

    Customer: “Well, I’m not very happy with my son right now, and I know a nine-year-old boy who’s really not going to be happy when he gets home from school. At least someone should get something out of this! Thank you for bringing this to my attention…”

    Location Is Clearly Not Your Vocation

    | Phoenix, AZ, USA | Uncategorized

    Me: “Policyholder service, how may I help you?”

    Customer: “I’d like to change the beneficiary on my policy.”

    Me: “I can help you with that. Do you have your policy number?”

    Customer: “No.”

    Me: “That’s fine. “What is your name?”

    (The customer gives me her name, but it’s common and we have several dozen policyholders with the same name. I need more information to find her policy.)

    Me: “Okay. What state do you live in?”

    Customer: “Springfield.”

    (Unfortunately, we cannot sort or search by city names, only by states. I do a quick look and see more than one Springfield in different states.)

    Me: “What state is that in?”

    Customer: “Springfield.”

    Me: “Springfield is the city that you’re in. What is the name of the state that you’re in?”

    Customer: *slowly* “Spring. Field.”

    Me: “That’s the city you’re in…what is the state?”

    Customer: *annoyed* “The UNITED States!”

    Paid In Fool

    | Vancouver, Canada | Uncategorized

    Me: “Thank you for calling [cell phone provider]. How can I help you?”

    Customer: “Hi, I was just wondering if you’d gotten my payment?”

    Me: “It doesn’t look like we have. May I ask how you paid?”

    Customer: “I went to one of your stores two months ago just as they were closing up. A guy was walking out of the store and I asked if he worked there, so I gave him an envelope with my payment and telephone number written on it. He said he’d give it to his manager the next day.”

    Me: “Did you go back to the store to find out what happened?”

    Customer: “Yah, they said that no one matching the description I gave them worked there! So…is there any way you could adjust that charge?”

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