The Highs and Lows Of Parenting

| Toronto, ON, Canada | Uncategorized

Me: “9-1-1, police fire or ambulance?”

Customer: “Police.”

Me: “What’s your emergency?”

Customer: “Is it illegal for a 14 year old to be drinking Jack Daniels?”

Me: “Yes, it is.”

Customer: “Oh, okay. And, one more question. Is it illegal for a 14 year old to be smoking marijuana?”

Me: “Yes, it is, ma’am.”

Customer: “Oh, okay. My son told me it wasn’t. I’d like you to arrest my son please. He’s been doing this for a couple of years now!”

I Once Had A Brain This Big

| Adelaide, Australia | Uncategorized

Caller: “I would like to buy a mirror please.”

Me: “Okay, we have beveled edges, shaped mirrors, plain mirrors. What sort were you after?”

Caller: “Well I just need one to cover this space. So, can you tell me how much it’s going to cost?”

Me: “Sure. I just need to know how big you need it.”

Caller: “What do you need to know that for? It’s just a normal mirror.”

Me: “I need to know the dimensions so I can give you a proper price.”

Caller: “Fine, then. Hang on.” *Few minutes pass.* “Are you there?”

Me: “Yes, I’m here. How big is it?”

Caller: “It’s this big.”

Me: “How big?”

Caller: “I said it’s this big.”

Me: “Are you standing there with your arms out?”

Caller: “Yes, why?”

Me: “Well, because I can’t see how big ‘this’ is. Look, I’ll send out a rep to quote you, okay?”

Caller: “Fine then, come as quickly as you can. I’m a busy woman, you know!”

Land Of The Free, Home Of The Naive

| Virginia, USA | Uncategorized

(I get a call from a new renter with whom I had signed a lease contract with the previous night.)

Me: “Thanks for calling [apartments]! How may I help you?”

Renter: “My name is *** and I just signed the lease last night. I want to cancel it.”

Me: “Cancel? I’m sorry, but the lease is a binding contract between yourself and the management company as we discussed.”

Renter: “What! I don’t want it! Just cancel it!”

Me: “Well, there are some options. We can try to rent the apartment to another tenant to end your lease early, or, if you happen to qualify for a job or military transfer–”

Renter: “I can’t believe you’re doing this to me. I can’t believe that in the United States of America, I can sign a legal document, and not get out of it!” *hangs up*

It’s A Fashion Emergency

| Virginia, USA | Uncategorized

Me: “Apartment maintenance line, how may I help you?”

Caller: “Yes, I put too many clothes on the clothes hanger rack in my closet and it fell down.”

Me: “Okay, let me get your information and I’ll send a maintenance tech over. What’s your apartment number?”

Caller: *gives number* “When is he coming over?”

Me: “Looks like it will be about an hour, maybe a little less.”

Caller: “But this is an emergency! My clothes are all over the floor!”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir. He’ll be there within an hour to install a better rack for you. It shouldn’t take long for him to do that. Could you provide me with your apartment number?”

Caller: “Where am I supposed to put my clothes? This is an emergency! I’m calling someone else!” *hangs up*

It Also Comes In Lemon, Cherry, and Chlorine

| Reno, NV, USA | Uncategorized

(I work for a company which sells hand sanitizer.)

Me: “Thank you for calling [company]! How may I help you?”

Caller: “Hi, I’m just calling to ask if your product comes in any other flavors?”

Me: “…”

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