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    Dr. Doolittle’s House Of Style

    | Boise, ID, USA |

    Me: “Thank you for calling **** Cosmetics. My name is ****, how may I help you today?”

    Caller: “Do you test your product on animals?”

    Me: “No, ma’am, we do not.”

    Caller: “Not even on unicorns?”

    Me: “Uhh…no.”

    Caller: “What about mongooses?”

    Me: “No.”

    Caller: “Dogs?”

    Me: “No.”

    Caller: “Then how do you test your products?”

    Me: “I believe they’re tested by using clinical trials.”

    Caller: “So you don’t test your product on animals?”

    Me: “No, we do not.”

    Caller: “That’s great! Bye!” *hangs up*

    No Dollars, No Sense

    | Juarez, Mexico |

    Me: “Thank you for calling **** Bank, may I have your full name please?”

    Customer: “I’m not giving you my full name. I want to speak to a supervisor.”

    Me: “I’m sure I can help you solve your problem, ma’am, just give me your full name so I can look up your information.”

    Customer: “All right, FINE! My name is ****.”

    Me: “Thank you, Ms. ****. What seems to be the problem?”

    Customer: “I was at the store trying to buy baby formula, but I didn’t have any money left on my account. Why is that?”

    Me: “Well, it appears you have made several purchases throughout the day, and you eventually ran out of money.”

    Customer: *yelling* “I KNOW THAT I BOUGHT STUFF EARLIER, BUT WHY DON’T I HAVE ANY MONEY LEFT?!”

    Me: “Well, ma’am, you could go ahead and return what you bought to get your money back and–”

    Customer: *interrupting, baby crying in the background* “HOLD ON, SIR!”

    Background Voice: “Hi, welcome to ****, how can I help you today?”

    (At this point, the customer starts placing a food order while I wait on the line for her to get back to me, and the baby keeps crying.)

    Customer: “Here baby, don’t cry…have some fries.”

    Me: “Ms. ****, are you still there?”

    Customer: “Yes I’m here – have you put my money back in my account
    yet?”

    Me: “I’m afraid I can’t do that. You’ve already spent the money, so your best bet is to go and return some of the things you bought earlier.”

    Customer: “I THOUGHT YOU WERE GONNA DO THAT FOR ME!”

    Me: “I can’t do that; you have to do it personally.”

    Customer: “CAN’T YOU JUST DO IT ON YOUR COMPUTER?!”

    Me: “No ma’am, it’s not physically possible for me to walk into a store with your stuff through my computer.”

    Customer: *yelling louder* “WELL, IF YOU CAN’T USE ALL YOUR TECHNOLOGY TO DO A SIMPLE THING LIKE THAT, I’M GONNA HAVE TO SWITCH BANKS! THANKS FOR NOTHING!” *hangs up*

    Thanks For (Almost) Nothing

    | Idaho Falls, ID, USA |

    (I’ve just activated a cable channel for a woman and was ending the call.)

    Me: “Is there anything else I can do for you, ma’am?”

    Customer: “Yeah, how much was it again?”

    Me: “It’s $4.01 a month, ma’am.”

    Customer: “Why $4.01? Why not just four dollars?”

    Me: ¬†”Well, ma’am, I only activate the channels, I don’t set the prices.”

    Customer: “Well that’s stupid. I don’t know if I want it anymore. It should only be four dollars.”

    Me: “Well, I can certainly put in a complaint for you.”

    Customer: “Yeah, you do that. ¬†And you take it off and I don’t want to pay that fee for taking it off. ¬†It should only be four dollars!”

    Me: “Look, ma’am, I’ll find twelve cents and mail it to you. That covers that one cent for a whole year. Can I have your address?”

    Customer: “Have a nice day!”

    (And then she hung up on me.)

    Customer Service II: The Reckoning

    | Vancouver, WA, USA |

    Me: “Thank you for calling *** Communications, how can I help you?”

    Caller: “Yeah, my cable box in my bed room is not working.”

    Me: “Okay, I can talk a look at that for you. How is it not working?”

    Caller: “Look, I just want to watch Eragon in my room…”

    (I finally figure out that the box will not take the signal we are sending.)

    Me: “It looks like we will need to get a tech out there to replace the box.”

    Caller: “Why”?

    (I try to explain that the box is refusing the signal and that we need to switch the box. This goes on for five minutes before I give up and try an alternative answer…)

    Me: “Um… the box has gone rogue and is no longer taking instructions from us. We need to bring it back in for training.”

    Caller: “Oh, that makes sense! Why didn’t you just say that?”

    Me: “…”

    Why Skynet Annihilated Mankind, Vol. 1

    | Birmingham, AL, USA |

    Me: “Good Morning, my name is Leroy. May I have your name please?”

    Customer: “That stupid computer doesn’t understand a word I am saying! I hate computers!”

    Me: “I’m sorry for any problems you had sir. How can I help you today?”

    Customer: “Are you a computer? You sound like a d*** computer!”

    Me: *sarcastically* “Well I’m part computer sir, my mother was a computer.”

    Customer: “You’re part computer?”

    Me: “Yes sir, I am a cyborg.”

    Customer: “F***ing cyborgs!” *click*

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