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    Hypothetical Intelligence

    | Newcastle, UK |

    (I work for a political party and am making polling calls.)

    Me: “Hello, my name is *** and I’m calling on behalf of the *** Party. Do you have time to take a quick survey for us?”

    Caller: “Yes.”

    Me: “Thank you. If there was a General Election tomorrow, who do you think you would vote for?”

    Caller: “There’s a General Election tomorrow?”

    Me: “No, but if there was, who do you think you would vote for?”

    Caller: “I would have trouble getting to the polling station, are you offering a lift?”

    Me: “No… it’s a hypothetical election about who would you vote for.”

    Caller: “Sorry, I have to go to the doctors tomorrow!”

    Me: *gives up*

    Inconvenience Saves The Day

    | London, UK |

    Me: “Thank you for calling **** Pay Per View, this is **** speaking. How can I help you?”

    Customer: “Uh, yeah…I, uh, used up all my credit, and I need you to give me some more.”

    Me: “You can purchase credit on our website, or through the automated system on the phone. Would you like assistance with either of those?”

    Customer: *yelling* “NO! WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?! YOU SAYING I’M STUPID?!”

    Me: “Um, no…I was just offering to–”

    Customer: “WELL, NOW I WANT IT FREE! I DEMAND ¬£20 FREE CREDIT!”

    Me: “I can’t just hand out free credit like that, that’s not how it works. If you have a complaint, I can transfer you to that department–”

    Customer: “NO!” *suddenly quiet* “Where is your office located?”

    Me: “We’re in ****.”

    Customer: “RIGHT! I’M GONNA COME DOWN THERE AND F*** YOU UP! I KNOW YOUR NAME, F***HEAD! I’LL F***ING FIND YOU!”

    Me: “…”

    Customer: “Wait, where is ****, exactly?”

    Me: “Um…about an hour out of the city by bus or car.”

    Customer: “What?! Really? That far? Nah…I’ll probably leave it so. Thanks anyway. Bye.” *hangs up*

    Honk Twice For Bird Barrage

    | Winchester, KY, USA |

    (I work at a call center for truck drivers.)

    Me: “Thank you for calling the service center. My name is ***, are you experiencing a breakdown?”

    Trucker: “Yeah, I need a new windshield.”

    Me: “Ok, sir. What happened to your current windshield?”

    Trucker: “A bird went through it.”

    Me: “Alright, a bird hit your windshield and cracked it, correct?”

    Trucker: “No, the bird went THROUGH the windshield. It’s sitting in the passenger seat now and the windshield has a hole in it.”

    Me: “So, what kind of bird is it?”

    Trucker: “… a dead one.”

    The Land Of Surf, Sun And Time Dilation

    | Ohio, USA |

    Me: “Thank you for calling ****, this is ****, how can I help you?”

    Customer: “Yes, I’d like to place an order.”

    Me: “I’d be happy to do that for you, however our ordering system is down. If you’d like to call back in 15 minutes, someone can help you with that.”

    Customer: “OK, so is it 15 minutes Hawaii time, or your time?”

    Me: “No…just 15 minutes…I’m pretty sure that’s the same no matter where you are, ma’am.”

    Customer: “Oh! OK, thanks.”

    Dr. Doolittle’s House Of Style

    | Boise, ID, USA |

    Me: “Thank you for calling **** Cosmetics. My name is ****, how may I help you today?”

    Caller: “Do you test your product on animals?”

    Me: “No, ma’am, we do not.”

    Caller: “Not even on unicorns?”

    Me: “Uhh…no.”

    Caller: “What about mongooses?”

    Me: “No.”

    Caller: “Dogs?”

    Me: “No.”

    Caller: “Then how do you test your products?”

    Me: “I believe they’re tested by using clinical trials.”

    Caller: “So you don’t test your product on animals?”

    Me: “No, we do not.”

    Caller: “That’s great! Bye!” *hangs up*

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