• A Pain In The Nugget
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    Error 404: Brain Not Found

    | Brisbane, CA, USA | Uncategorized

    Me: “Hello, how may I help today?”

    Caller: “Yeah, your [software] isn’t working. It’s a virus.”

    Me: “Okay, sir. What do you mean, it’s a virus?”

    Caller: “Every time I put the disc in, I get a message from the computer.”

    Me: “What kind of message?”

    Caller: “I don’t read it. It’s a warning message so I click ‘no’.”

    Me: “Okay, can you insert the disc and tell me the message?”

    Caller: “Sure.”

    Me: “What does it say sir?”

    Caller: “Would you like to install…” *reads name of software* “… on your…” *click*

    Inn-Experienced Dialer

    | Norway | Uncategorized

    Me: “Welcome to [wireless carrier], how may we help you today?”

    Caller: “I want to book a room at the hotel.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, sir. You’ve called [wireless carrier], so we can’t help you with that.”

    Caller: “What? Why not? I called the number on the promo letter I received!”

    Me: “You’ve called a cell phone company, not a hotel.”

    Caller: “Why wont you help me? I just want to book the room, and it says call this number!”

    Me: “Sir, we are not a hotel, we have cell phones. I’m sure the hotel can assist you with booking a room if you call the correct number.”

    Caller: “Why can’t you help me? Is it because you are completely booked?”

    Me: “Yes, that’s why.”

    Caller: “Ok, I’ll call somebody else then.” *click*

    The Lights Are Off, But Sadly Someone’s Home, Part 2

    | Oshawa, ON, Canada | Uncategorized

    Caller: “I’m trying to help my mother with a computer problem. Her internet keeps cutting out and just stops working without warning.”

    Me: “That’s unusual. Does the computer offer any error messages?”

    Caller: “No, that’s what’s really weird. The computer also just dies randomly.”

    Me: “The computer dies and the internet stops. Does anything else happen?”

    Caller: “She says the lights go out in this room.”

    Me: “Just that room?”

    Caller: “Yes.”

    Me: “Does she normally turn off the lights by using a wall switch?”

    Caller: “Yes, how did you know?”

    Me: “Is her computer plugged into something like a power bar, that is plugged into the same outlet as the light?”

    Caller: “Yes…oh. I’m an idiot, aren’t I?”

    The Lights Are Off, But Sadly Someone’s Home

    Vitamin R U O K

    | Los Angeles, CA, USA | Uncategorized

    Me: “Good afternoon, thank you for calling [vitamin company]. This is [MyName]. How may I direct your call?” *long pause* “Hello?” *another long pause* “Hello?”

    Caller: “Hi, I got your number from a natural cure. ”

    Me: “How may I direct your call, sir?”

    Caller: “I was reading a book.”

    Me: “Okay.”

    Caller: “It had your number. Are you a vitamin store? With…vitamins and things?”

    Me: “We are a vitamin manufacturer, sir. Do you have a question about a product?”

    Caller: “I got your number from a natural cure book. Have you read it?”

    Me: “What book, sir?”

    Caller: “A natural cures book.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, I have not. Did you have a question about a product that we manufacture?”

    Caller: “Yeah, I got your number out of a natural cures book.”

    Me: “Yes, there are a number of books that mention our products.”

    Caller: *pauses* “…It was a BOOK.”

    Me: “Yes, sir, I’m just trying to determine who can best assist you.”

    Caller: *pauses again* “BOOOOOOOOOOOOK…”

    Me: “Let me connect you with customer service, sir…”

    Chip Off The Old (Cell) Block

    | Denver, CO, USA | Uncategorized

    (A customer calls in with the phone displaying an error. Per standard cell phone troubleshooting, the first step is to take the battery out and put it back in.)

    Caller: “When are you going to get this glitch fixed?”

    Me: “It’s not really a glitch, sir. It’s just general routine maintenance, like rebooting a computer.”

    Caller: “Don’t give me that s***! How stupid do you think I am! I know computers are not like cell phones! Computers have microchips and stuff in them, and cell phones are way too small to have microchips!”

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