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    It’s Aliiiiive!

    , | Minneapolis, MN, USA |

    Caller: “I’m having trouble registering for courses.”

    Me: “Okay let me direct you to some tutorials available on the main website so we can walk through that process.”

    Me: “Okay you can either view these tutorials as a module
    demonstration or you can click ‘Download PDF’ to view a written tutorial with pictures and steps. Go ahead and click on ‘Download PDF.”

    Caller: “Woah, wait a minute. Why is there a white arrow moving around on my screen?”

    Me: “Well, whenever you move your mouse you’ll see a white arrow move around on the screen. Is that what you are referring to?”

    Caller: “Ooh… ”

    Me: “Okay, well let’s go to the… ”

    Caller: “Oh my gosh, make it stop! Make it stop! Why is it adding me to courses I don’t want! I don’t want [course], I don’t want it! Why is it doing this!? Please, please make it stop!”

    Me: “Ma’am, it’s okay. It’s just a demonstration to show you how the registration process works. It’s not actually adding you to those courses.”

    Caller: “Ooh.”

    Me: “Ma’am, what courses did you want to register for? I’m just going to go ahead and submit those registration requests for you…”

    Blood Pressure Go Up, Blood Pressure Go Down

    , | St. Louis, MO, USA |

    (I’m calling to clarify information on a form this guy sent in.)

    Caller: “Do you realize I’m on the ‘Do Not Call During Dinner’ list!?”

    Me: “Sir, I’m sorry that–”

    Caller: “You f***ing insurance agents! Do you realize that [another insurance company] totally f***ed me over?! Do you realize how much money they cost me? Those f***ing guys got put in jail and now I have to pay more money!”

    Me: “Sir, this has nothing to do with–”

    Caller: “I do not like being sold things during dinner!”

    Me: “Sir, I am not trying to sell you anything–”

    Caller: “All you f***ing insurance people just want to roll me over and sodomize me!”

    Me: “Sir, this is on behalf of your existing company, and it’s regarding a form you yourself sent in. I have it in front of me now and I just had a few questions.”

    Caller: *totally friendly* “Oh! Well, why didn’t you say so?”

    Minus One Bill, Plus One Federal Offense

    | Jonesboro, AR, USA |

    (I work at a call center that handles many types of cell phone issues, including the bills.)

    Me: “Thank you for calling, my name is **** and I’ll be assisting you today. Is this call in regards to wireless number ***-***-****?”

    Caller: “Why y’all done sent me a bill for two thousand minutes?! I don’t even own a cell phone!”

    Me: “Um… well, does the bill have your name on it, ma’am?”

    Caller: “Of course it does! Right here…” *paper rustling*

    Caller: “Oh, lawdy! I done opened my neighbor’s mail!”

    Someone Needs To Get Ctrl-Alt-Deleted

    , | Newark, DE, USA |

    (A customer calls in having trouble logging into her email.)

    Me: “Okay, let’s try typing the password into a text program like Notepad or Word. Then, we can copy and paste it into the password box.”

    Caller: “Copy and paste?”

    Me: “Yeah, it’s just a quick–”

    Caller: “COPY AND PASTE? What the h***?! I have a secretary so that I don’t have to learn copy and f***ing paste!”

    Me: “If you calm down, it’s really very easy.”

    Caller: *hangs up phone*

    How Is My Excuse? Call 1-800-NOT-ALWAYS-RIGHT

    | Seattle, WA, USA |

    Me: *on the phone* “Hi, thanks for calling ****. Can I help you?”

    Caller: “Yes, I have a complaint about your delivery driver. He was driving too slow, and in the carpool lane.”

    Me: “How fast was he going?”

    Caller: “60 miles per hour.”

    Me: “Well, sir, that is the speed limit. Was he by himself in the carpool lane?”

    Caller: “No, there were two people.”

    Me: “So, let me see if I understand. Your complaint is that my delivery driver was following the law?”

    Caller: “Yes, and I want him fired, or at least reprimanded. He made me late for work!”

    Me: “…”

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