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    What’s A Few Years Hard Labor Anyway

    , | Minneapolis, MN, USA |

    (Note: I work in the call center of a major insurance company.)

    Customer: “I just received this form…what does it mean?”

    Me: “That is letting you know how much interest income you received last year that we reported to the IRS.”

    Customer: “But, I don’t want the IRS to know!”

    Me: “I’m sorry, but we’re legally obligated to report that information to the IRS.”

    Customer: “Do you do everything the government tells you to?!”

    Me: “Umm…yes?”

    Third Time’s A Charm For A Two-Faced One Track Mind

    , | Washington, USA |

    Me: “Thank you for calling [phone company], how may I help you today?”

    Caller: “Um yeah, my phone stopped working. I need you guys to fix that for me.”

    Me: “Certainly, sir. May I ask what exactly is the problem?”

    Caller: “Well, the internet on my phone quit working a few days ago.”

    Me: “Okay, I can definitely help you out with that. I do need your mobile phone number please…”

    (The customer gives me his number, and I discover that his phone is not compatible with the internet plan on his account. Furthermore, he can not change it because the account is not in his name.)

    Me: “…okay, so you understand why we cannot change that, right?”

    Caller: “Yeah, I guess so. Thanks anyway, man.”

    Me: “Not a problem sir. Thank you very much for choosing [phone company]. You have a wonderful day, sir.”

    (This is where things get interesting. Instead of hanging up, I immediately hear the following…)

    Female voice: “Aw baby, what’s wrong?”

    Caller: “This f***ing douchebag wont fix my g**d*** phone! I’ve had this d***ed thing for three years, never had a problem with it, now this f*** wont help me out!”

    Me: “Excuse me, sir? You never actually hung up the phone. Might I suggest we do that now before anything else is said?”

    Caller: *brief pause* “… oh my God!I am so sorry! Oh my God sir, please don’t turn off my phone, PLEASE!”

    Me: “Not a problem. Just please remember to hang up the phone, okay?”

    (I wait for him to hang up a second time, but again, he doesn’t…)

    Caller: “I can’t believe that f***ing p***k stayed on the phone! What we he trying to do?! A**hole! I mean, can’t he freaking help a guy out?!”

    Female voice: *quietly* “I think you’re on speakerphone…”

    Me: “Excuse me, sir? You forgot to hang up again.”

    Caller: “S***! GIMME A BREAK!” *click*

    From 20 Questions To Truth Or Dare

    | Rexburg, ID, USA |

    (Note: I work at a call center doing surveys on tourism. This person was obviously drunk when I called them.)

    Me: “Have you visited Texas within the last six months?”

    Drunk guy: “Yesh.”

    Me: “And how many people were in your travel party?”

    Drunk guy: “I have had enough of your questions. It’s time for you to answer some of mine!”

    Me: “Sir, we only have a few more–”

    Drunk guy: “Enough! What is your name, and have you ever been to a nudist colony?!”"

    Sometimes, Ignorance Really Is Bliss

    | Montreal, Canada |

    (A customer has called to redeem the points earned on her credit card in exchange for return airfare from Montreal, Qc to Chicago, Illinois. I have just given her the flight departure and arrival times.)

    Customer: “Why is the flight going there so short? You said it was a 90-minute flight.”

    Me: “The times are given in their respective time zones. We are in the Eastern time zone, but Chicago is one hour behind us, and it’s in the Central time zone. The flight really is 90 minutes long, it just looks shorter due to the time difference.”

    Customer: “Time…zones?”

    Me: “Yes, we have five time zones: Maritimes, Eastern, Central, Mountain and Pacific Time. In your case, there is a one hour difference between each zone. If it is 11:00am here, it is only 10:00am in Chicago. So when your flight arrives in Chicago at 11:30am, that is Chicago time. In Montreal it will actually be 12:30pm, so the flight is an hour and a half.”

    Customer: “Then why is the return flight so long? It’s like, an hour longer than the way there!”

    Me: “Again, it is the difference between the time zones, only in reverse. It only looks as though the flight is longer but it’s also a 90 minute flight. It adds an hour on the return flight because you are coming back East.”

    Customer: “I still don’t get it – the flight should be the same time in both directions. It’s 30 minutes to get there, but more than 2 hours to get back!”

    (After 20 minutes of more explaining I give up.)

    Me: “For the flight to Chicago, the wind is at your back, so the plane goes really fast. On the way back, it’s against the wind, and so the plane goes slower.”

    Customer: “Oh! Well that makes much more sense. Thank you!”

    Me: “I do my best. Have a good trip, ma’am.”

    They Stop Terrorists, Thwart Criminals, and Return Blenders

    | Washington, USA |

    Customer: *on the phone* “My order number is ****.”

    Me: “OK, I’ve got your order up on my screen. How can I help you, sir?”

    Customer: “You shipped me this product, and I did not order it.”

    Me: “Are you **** of **** Street?”

    Customer: “Yes. I was on your website and I selected this product, and hit the ‘Submit Order’ button, but I didn’t order it.”

    Me: “When you hit ‘Submit Order’ and get an order number, and an email confirming your order, that means you have submitted an order.”

    Customer: “But I haven’t paid for this product, so I didn’t order it.”

    Me: “That’s because you selected the ‘Bill Me Later’ option.”

    Customer: “Fine. Then guess what I’m going to do? I’m going to keep this product, and I’m never going to pay you for it. Sucker.”

    Me: “That’s your choice, sir, but if you don’t either return the product we sent you or pay by the due date, your account will be sent to a collection agency for recovery.”

    Customer: “I am calling the FBI to report you.”

    Me: “For what, sir?”

    Customer: “I’m going to tell them that you sent me a product that I didn’t pay for, and they’re going to shut you crooks down.”

    Me: “So you’re going to call the FBI, and tell them that you ordered a product from us, and now you’re refusing to pay for it OR send it back.”

    Customer: “Don’t you twist my words. I’m calling the FBI on YOU, not ME.”

    Me: “That’s your choice, sir, but wouldn’t it be easier to just send the product back if you don’t want it?”

    Customer: “I do want it. I’m just not paying for it. You’ve wasted enough of my time. I’m hanging up now and calling the FBI.” *hangs up*

    (I checked his account later and saw that the guy paid his bill in full before it was even due. I guess things didn’t pan out with the FBI.)

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