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    Not Remotely Intelligent

    , | Texas, USA | Top

    Me: “Hello, thank you for calling ***. May I have your phone number, please?”

    Caller: “This thing doesn’t f***ing work!”

    Me: “Sir, I’ll be happy to help you with that.”

    Caller: “Just help me with this f***ing thing!”

    (Eventually, I find out he needs help with a DVD remote.)

    Caller: “The movie doesn’t play! It doesn’t do a f***ing thing!”

    (I hear the crunching of plastic as he tries to push the buttons really hard.)

    Me: “Okay, sir, so you’re pressing the play button and it’s not working. Correct?”

    Caller: “Which one’s the play button?”

    Me: “The one that says ‘play’ above it. It should be in the shape of an arrow that’s pointing to the right.”

    Caller: “I can’t read any of this s***! I don’t have anything like that. There’s just one that points to the left.”

    Me: “Sir, go ahead and turn the remote around.”

    Caller: “What, backwards?”

    Me: “Yes, so that the other side points at the DVD player.”

    Caller: “Oh…it works now!” *click*

    Why Husbands Should Play Boy The Rules

    | Pittsburgh, PA, USA | Uncategorized

    Me: “Hello, may I speak to Mr. ***?”

    Wife: “He’s in the shower, may I ask what this is about?”

    Me: “I’m just calling to find out if he would like to renew a magazine subscription.”

    Wife: “What magazine?”

    Me: “Playboy, ma’am.”

    Wife: “Just a second.”

    (I can hear the shower in the background.)

    Wife: *sweet voice* “Honey! Someone is calling to see if you want to renew a magazine.”

    Husband: “Which one?”

    Wife: *slightly homicidal voice* “Playboy…”

    Husband: “Uh…no, I don’t think I’ll renew that.”

    (The wife picks up phone again; her sweet voice is back.)

    Wife: “No, thank you. I don’t think we’ll be needing that one anymore!”

    Also seen on: Not Always Romantic

    You’ve Got The Wrong(est) Number

    | Chatsworth, CA, USA | Top

    (Note: our customer support number is close to a local driving school’s number.)

    Me: “Thank you for calling. How may I help you?”

    Customer: “How much for my daughter?”

    Me: “Um…”

    Customer: “She’s 16. It’s her first time. She needs training.”

    Me: “Sir, I think you want the driving school.”

    Customer: “Oh, what do you guys do?”

    Me: “Adult websites.”

    Customer: “Oh…OH! Oh my God!”

    18 And Blunder

    | Montreal, Canada | Top

    Me: “Hello, this ***. How may I help you?”

    Customer: “Hi, I have your company name on my credit card bill with a charge of $29.99. I’ve never heard of you guys.”

    Me: “Okay, sir…there’s a purchase of a monthly subscription to our adult website in here.”

    Customer: “Adult website? What, as in porno?”

    Me: “That’s correct, sir.”

    Customer: “This is nonsense! I’ve never bought any porn!”

    Me: “Sir, we do have the order in your info in here. If you are not satisfied with the content, however, we can give you a refund.”

    Customer: “I never ordered any porn! This is an outrage! I’m a married man, a father and a family man!”

    Me: “You said family man, sir?”

    Customer: “Yes!”

    Me: “How old is your son, sir?”

    Customer: *long pause* “I’ll call you back.” *click*

    The Mother Of All Excuses

    | Boise, ID, USA | Uncategorized

    Caller: *crying* “I need an emergency credit on my account! My mom’s been in a car wreck and I can’t call the hospital because I don’t have any time on my phone.”

    Me: “I’m so sorry to hear that your mom’s been in an accident. Let me look at your account to see if we can put a one time courtesy credit on there.”

    (I see that there have been $30 in credits given over the last month. I also notice her mother has been missing, dying, dead, beat up by a drunk boyfriend, stabbed, shot, and taken to the hospital because of a drug overdose. And now, she has been injured in a car wreck.)

    Me: “I’m sorry, but I can’t put the credit on your account. You’ve received several courtesy credits in the past, and as per corporate policy we’re not allowed to give you any more.”

    Caller: “But my mom’s in the hospital! She might die!”

    Me: “I know how this kind of situation can be really rough on someone. Maybe a friend of yours will let you use their phone?”

    Caller:“So you’re not going to put any money on my account?”

    Me: “I’m sorry, but your account is not eligible for any further credits.”

    Caller: “F*** you, b****!” *hangs up*

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