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    Why Our Contracts Are A Gazillion Pages Long

    , | Indiana, USA |

    Caller: “Hello, my cellphone bill is more than it is supposed to be.”

    Me: “Okay, I see that your bill is $4.00 more than normal. Let’s see why.”

    Caller: “You had better figure this out. I’m not going to pay it if you’re trying to screw me!”

    Me: “I see the problem, You actually called Canada.”

    Caller: “I have nationwide calling! I can call Canada if I want to.”

    Me: “Actually, if you have nationwide calling, you’re only okay in the United States.”

    Caller: “So? Canada is part of North America.”

    Me: “Yes, but not the United States…”

    Caller: “What about Colorado?”

    Me: “Yes, Colorado is okay.”

    Caller: “What about… Vietnam?”

    Me: “Umm, no, that would be a bit international.”

    Caller: “Fine! I’ll pay it this time, but maybe you guys should be a bit more clear on what your national service consists of!”

    Rescue 911, Transylvania Edition

    , | West Palm Beach, FL, USA |

    (Note: South County is a psychiatric institution.)

    911: “911, what is your emergency?”

    Caller: “Yeah, I’m sorry to bother you but I am checking into South County tomorrow. I’m afraid to go cause there is a guy who works there who wears a star and says he’s a vampire.”

    911: “People are allowed to be vampires if they want to be, ma’am.”

    Caller: “Oh yeah? What if he tried to bite me?”

    911: “Did he try to bite you?”

    Caller: “No.”

    911: “Give us a call back if he tries to bite you.”

    It’s Aliiiiive!

    , | Minneapolis, MN, USA |

    Caller: “I’m having trouble registering for courses.”

    Me: “Okay let me direct you to some tutorials available on the main website so we can walk through that process.”

    Me: “Okay you can either view these tutorials as a module
    demonstration or you can click ‘Download PDF’ to view a written tutorial with pictures and steps. Go ahead and click on ‘Download PDF.”

    Caller: “Woah, wait a minute. Why is there a white arrow moving around on my screen?”

    Me: “Well, whenever you move your mouse you’ll see a white arrow move around on the screen. Is that what you are referring to?”

    Caller: “Ooh… ”

    Me: “Okay, well let’s go to the… ”

    Caller: “Oh my gosh, make it stop! Make it stop! Why is it adding me to courses I don’t want! I don’t want [course], I don’t want it! Why is it doing this!? Please, please make it stop!”

    Me: “Ma’am, it’s okay. It’s just a demonstration to show you how the registration process works. It’s not actually adding you to those courses.”

    Caller: “Ooh.”

    Me: “Ma’am, what courses did you want to register for? I’m just going to go ahead and submit those registration requests for you…”

    Blood Pressure Go Up, Blood Pressure Go Down

    , | St. Louis, MO, USA |

    (I’m calling to clarify information on a form this guy sent in.)

    Caller: “Do you realize I’m on the ‘Do Not Call During Dinner’ list!?”

    Me: “Sir, I’m sorry that–”

    Caller: “You f***ing insurance agents! Do you realize that [another insurance company] totally f***ed me over?! Do you realize how much money they cost me? Those f***ing guys got put in jail and now I have to pay more money!”

    Me: “Sir, this has nothing to do with–”

    Caller: “I do not like being sold things during dinner!”

    Me: “Sir, I am not trying to sell you anything–”

    Caller: “All you f***ing insurance people just want to roll me over and sodomize me!”

    Me: “Sir, this is on behalf of your existing company, and it’s regarding a form you yourself sent in. I have it in front of me now and I just had a few questions.”

    Caller: *totally friendly* “Oh! Well, why didn’t you say so?”

    Minus One Bill, Plus One Federal Offense

    | Jonesboro, AR, USA |

    (I work at a call center that handles many types of cell phone issues, including the bills.)

    Me: “Thank you for calling, my name is **** and I’ll be assisting you today. Is this call in regards to wireless number ***-***-****?”

    Caller: “Why y’all done sent me a bill for two thousand minutes?! I don’t even own a cell phone!”

    Me: “Um… well, does the bill have your name on it, ma’am?”

    Caller: “Of course it does! Right here…” *paper rustling*

    Caller: “Oh, lawdy! I done opened my neighbor’s mail!”

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