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  • Always Time For A Rhyme
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  • Thank You For Calling Planet Of The Apes

    , | Columbus, OH, USA | Top

    Me: “Thank you for calling tech support. How can I help you?”

    Customer: “Hello?”

    Me: “Hello?”

    Customer: “Hello?”

    Me: “Hello?”

    Customer: “Hey Jon, check this out! The machine says hello back when I say hello!”

    Me: “I’m not a machine, sir.”

    Customer: “OH MY GOD, IT’S ADDRESSING ME!”

    Me: “No, sir, I’m not a machine!”

    Customer: “Oh… so you’re one of them human peoples?”

    Me: “Yes, sir, I am a human peoples.”

    Foolish As A Second Language

    | Thorofare, NJ, USA | Top

    Me: “Good afternoon, I’m from [collections agency]. Is **** available to speak?”

    Young girl: “Sure, hold on one second.”

    (A few moments later…)

    Client: “Hello?”

    Me: “Good afternoon, sir. I’m making a courtesy call on behalf of [credit card company] about the overdue balance on the account you have with them.”

    Client: “What?”

    Me: “You currently owe $3,800.00, but you haven’t made a payment in 6 months. I’m calling to see if you’re having trouble paying the bill. I can also help you set up a payment plan to make it easier for you to handle the payments.”

    Client: “NO HABLO ESPA√ëOL!”

    Me: “Sir, that’s why I’m speaking to you in English.”

    Client: “Huh?”

    Me: “You just said, ‘I don’t speak Spanish’.”

    (There’s a bit of a pause while he digests what I’ve said.)

    Client: “…What do I owe again?”

    Full Of Hot Air

    | Washington, USA |

    (Propane can only be stored in tanks up to 80% capacity. This is because when the tank gets warm, the gas expands a little. Thus, we leave a 20% buffer.)

    Me: “Hi, how can I help you?”

    Customer: “I’d like to lodge a complaint. Your driver keeps cheating me on gas.”

    Me: “Oh? How so?”

    Customer: “Well, he only fills it to 80%.”

    Me: “Oh, we only fill it to 80% to allow it expand on hot days.”

    Customer: “That’s bulls***! I want a full tank of gas.”

    Me: “We can’t do that, ma’am. If we fill it to 100%, the gas has nowhere to go when it expands. Your tank might rupture.”

    Customer: “You’re lying, I want my 100%! In fact, since you keep screwing me over, I want a 120% filled in that tank!”

    Me: “Ma’am, it is physically impossible to fill something 120% of capacity. We’d blow up your tank.”

    Customer: “Then tell your driver to leave the extra 20% in a bucket beside the house!”

    Suddenly, Everything Just Clicked

    , | Saskatoon, SK, Canada |

    (I am helping an elderly caller troubleshoot her computer issue, and I ask her to unplug her router. I hear a strange noise, after which her voice sounds very distant.)

    Caller: “Okay, it’s unplugged.”

    Me: “You sound really far away, ma’am. Did you drop the phone or something?”

    Caller: “No, all I did was open the window… oh!”

    (The caller starts laughing hysterically, and I can now hear her clearly.)

    Me: “What happened, ma’am?”

    Caller: “I was accidentally holding the mouse to my ear instead of the phone!”

    Shoot First, Worry About Living Later

    | Washington, USA |

    (I work for a propane company, and I had the following customer call in one day.)

    Me: “Thank you for calling ****, how can I help you?”

    Customer: “Your damn tank is hissing at me!”

    Me: “Well, that sounds like a gas leak sir. How large is the leak, and can you see where it’s coming from?”

    Customer: “It’s coming from the d*** hole in the tank where I shot it!”

    Me: …you shot our propane tank?”

    Customer: “How else was I suppose to get the gas out?”

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