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    Pepperoni Pizza With A Side Of Pointless Paranoia

    , | Montreal, QC, Canada | Top

    Me: “9-1-1, police, fire, or ambulance?”

    Caller: “Help, please God, help!”

    Me: “Sir, what’s the emergency?”

    Caller: “Someone’s trying to break into my house! Please, send the cops!”

    Me: “Calm down… the police are well on the way as we are talking.”

    Caller: “I don’t want to die! Oh my God, why me?”

    Me: “Sir, take a deep breath. Do you know this person?”

    Caller: “Yeah, I ordered some pizza, I paid, and he gave it to me. I can see through the window it’s him… he’s pounding on my door trying to get in! Where are the cops?!”

    Me: “Sir, I’ll stay on the phone with you if it makes you feel safer. Can you yell what he wants?”

    Caller: “Okay…” *yells toward the door* “What do you want, man?!”

    Pizza guy: *faintly, behind the door* “You forgot your change!”

    My Biggest And Loudest Fan

    | Florida, USA | Top

    (I worked for a university, calling alumni to ask for donations.)

    Alumnus: *on the phone* “Do they monitor your calls there?”

    Me: “Sometimes. That’s how they evaluate me.”

    Alumnus: “Are they monitoring this call right now?”

    Me: “I’m not sure; it’s at random times to keep me on my toes.”

    Alumnus: “Well, just in case – SHE’S DOING A GREAT F***ING JOB, BIG BROTHER!”

    Our Great Dumbocracy, Part 2

    | Richmond, VA, USA |

    (This was back in August of 2008, and I was just starting as a volunteer for the Barack Obama campaign.)

    Me: “Hi I’m calling on behalf of the Barack Obama Campaign for Change. Is [name] there?”

    Caller: “Barack Obama?”

    Me: “Yes, sir.”

    Caller: “Who’s he?”

    Me: “A candidate.”

    Caller: “For what?”

    Me: “President.”

    Caller: “President of what?”

    Me: “…the United States?”

    Caller: “I’M TALKING TO THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES?”

    Me: “No, I’m just a volunteer.”

    Caller: “Oh okay. So go ahead, ask me the questions.”

    Me: “So which candidate do you support?”

    Caller: “Candidate for what?

    Me: “The United States.”

    Caller: “Oh, the election is this year?”

    Me: “Yes. So which candidate do you support?”

    Caller: “Well, I guess Obama, since he’s calling me.”

    Me: “Alright, good.”

    Caller: “Is he there?”

    Me: “Um… no, not right now.”

    Caller: “But I read on the news he’s supposed to be in Virginia.”

    Me: “Yeah, but not in Richmond.”

    Caller: “Oh, when will he get back?”

    Me: “I’m not sure, sir.”

    Caller: “Okay. Well, when he gets back, have him give me a call!”

    Me:“Uh… okay.”

    Caller: “You need the number?”

    Me: “No, sir, I’ve got it.”

    Caller: “Okay, he’d better call me and tell me to vote for him!”

    Related:
    Our Great Dumbocracy

    No Tickey, No Watchey

    | Ontario, Canada |

    (I work in the billing department for a cable company. One day I took the following call.)

    Me: “Thank you for calling ****, my name is ****, what can I help you with?”

    Customer: “Hi, I need you turn my cable back on so I can watch the fight this weekend.”

    Me: “OK, if I could get your phone number, I’ll bring up your account and see what’s up.”

    (I proceed to bring up his account, and notice he had been installed 6 months ago, and had not once paid his bill.)

    Me: “Sir, I’m afraid that we can’t turn anything back on for your account until there has been a payment made.”

    Customer: “No, that’s not the agreement. I need to watch the fight this weekend, my boys are coming over.”

    Me: “That’s all well and good, but you owe us over two thousand dollars for charges, pay per view and equipment. Nothing can be done until you are up to date on payment.”

    Customer: *angry* “I NEVER AGREED TO PAY YOU ANY F****** MONEY! GIVE ME MY GOD**** CABLE!

    Me: “Sir, you obviously don’t understand how this works. We provide a service, and in return you pay a monthly fee. This is where we’re at; nothing can be done until you pay your balance.”

    Customer: “F*** YOU GUYS THEN! I’LL JUST WATCH IT ONLINE, SO THERE! WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THAT?”

    Me: “I think you forgot that we supply your internet as well. It won’t be reconnected until you pay your bill.”

    The (Brain) Damage Has Already Been Done

    , | Germany |

    (Note: 1-1-2 is Germany’s version of 9-1-1.)

    Me: “1-1-2, what’s your emergency?”

    Caller: “Oh my god! Help me! Help me!”

    Me: “Calm down, please. Can you tell me what happened, if someone is hurt and where you are?”

    Caller: “I’m at home, and my brain stopped working!”

    Me: “Your brain…stopped working? Sir, if your brain would stop working, you would be dead. Can you tell me exactly what happened? Are you bleeding?”

    Caller: “No, no. But my brain stopped working! At least half of it! Oh my god, will the other half stop working as well?! Will I die?! My wife was right! I can’t believe it!”

    (At this point, I’m unsure what to do. The man is really in a state of panic, but sounds otherwise fine.)

    Me: “Sir, is your wife at home? Can I speak to her? If not, please tell me exactly what you did when your…brain stopped working.”

    Caller: “I watched soccer! And drank beer! My wife always told me ‘When you don’t stop that crap, your brain will stop working’ and now it did! I was sitting on the couch and turned my head to look at the clock and suddenly I can’t move my head anymore because the left side of my brain stopped working! Help!”

    Me: “Sir, it sounds like you only cricked your neck!”

    (I start describing him what a cricked neck feels like and he agrees that this is indeed his problem and that he’ll see a doctor in the morning. I’m about to end the call, when…)

    Caller: “Hey, dude…”

    Me: “Yes?”

    Caller: “Is she right?”

    Me: “Who?”

    Caller: “My wife. You seem to know a lot about medicine and stuff, so can my brain really stop working from watching too much soccer and drinking beer?”

    Me: “Well, alcohol is known for indeed killing brain cells when you drink too much, but you won’t–”

    Caller: “Oh my god! Thank you! I thought she was only kidding me, but when you say it, then I’ll stop! Thank you so much for saving my life! Thank you!”

    Me: “Wait, I didn’t say–”

    Caller: *hangs up*

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