Beware The Jabberwacky

| Phoenix, AZ, USA | Uncategorized

Me: “Thank you for calling ***. How may I help you?”

Caller: “I canna ammas farl a mara amas mitt.”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir. I didn’t quite understand that.”

Caller: “I camo olives for all a moron all this spit.”

Me: “I do apologize, but I’m not able to understand you still.”

Caller: “I….can’t…apollo…ferrari…a moral…on…this…day!!”

Me: “Sir, I can hear you, but I can not understand what it is that you are trying to tell me.”

Caller: “You speak Englits?”

Me: “Yes, sir, I speak English.”

Caller: “No! I said, you speak it?”

Me: “Yes, I do speak English, sir.”

Caller: “No you don’t! Give me somebody who speaks Englits!”

Me: “Well, I can understand you a bit more clearly now. How can I help you?”

Caller: “You gotta following a part a nards and fall away with ye?”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir. I can’t understand you again.”

Caller: “THEN YOU DON’T SPEAK ENGLITS, YOU FARCHMAN!” *click*

When Open Source Meets Closed Minds

, | California, USA | Uncategorized

Caller: “I need to report a very serious computer crime! The local university is running an illegal computer system!”

Me: “Could you please repeat that?”

Caller: “The local university is running an illegal computer system! They’ve hacked it!”

Me: “How could you tell they’d hacked it?”

Caller: “Well, when it booted, it didn’t say Windows or Microsoft or anything! It said something about Deviant Linux, I think, and the main screen looked nothing like my good, legal Windows screen at home! I think they hacked that, too!”

Me: “Do you mean Debian Linux?”

Caller: “Yes, that! Is it some sort of computer mafia or something?”

Me: “Uh, no, it’s just a different operating system. Nothing to worry about.”

Caller: “But it’s illegal! It’s not Microsoft, not even Windows! They’re on a normal Microsoft computer, so they’re breaking the law! I think they stole my identity when I came in the building! I’m calling the FBI!” *hangs up*

Sue-icidal

| London, UK | Uncategorized

Me: “Hello, how can I help you?”

Customer: “Hello, my brother bought one of your phones and had it shipped to my address. Now it’s here and I don’t want it here. Can you send somebody to take it back?”

Me: “I’m sorry, I don’t think we offer that kind of service. It’s up to you whether you hold onto it for your brother or post it back to us.”

Customer: “What?! I don’t want to be dealing with all this hassle!”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but I suggest you take this up with your brother, since he provided the shipping address.”

Customer: “This is ridiculous! I can’t believe you won’t collect it! What would your company do if I killed myself over this, hmm? Because if I do, I’m going to sue your manager!”

The Wind In The Windows

| Orlando, FL, USA | Crazy Requests, Technology, Top

Me: “Thank you for calling ***. How may I help you today?”

Caller: “I’m having problems with my computer and–”

(Suddenly, what sounds like an air raid siren sounds off in the background.)

Me: “Ma’am, I apologize. I was unable to hear what you said.”

Caller: “Stupid tornado warnings! They always make it hard to talk on the phone.”

Me: “Oh…should I let you go?”

Caller: “Nah. This happens all of the time.”

(In addition to the siren, I hear a door slam and the sound of someone else entering the room. I hear a male voice who I guess is the caller’s husband.)

Caller’s husband: “D*** it woman, are you crazy?! Get to the basement!”

Caller: “Oh, I guess I should go…” *hangs up*

Your Improv Needs Improvement

, | Denver, CO, USA | Uncategorized

(I work at my university calling alumni for donations. The person who picks up has a normal American accent.)

Caller: “Hello?”

Me: “Hi, may I please speak with [name]?”

Caller: “Who is this?”

Me: “This is *** from [university].”

(Suddenly, the caller changes his voice to a thick, supposedly foreign accent. It’s obvious it’s the same person.)

Caller: “He not here now.”

Me: *playing along* “Oh, okay. Do you know a better time for me to reach him?”

Caller: *still using accent* “No, no. He not here! If he need to sign form, send them to his work.”

Me: “Okay. Well, thanks for taking the time to speak with me. Have a great evening!

Caller: *back to an American accent* “You too!”

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