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    And On The Eighth Day, He Created Fax

    | Dallas, TX, USA |

    Me: “Hi, thank you for calling [mortgage company]. How may I assist you?”

    Customer: “Yes, I’d like an application for your assistance program.”

    Me: “Certainly! We’ve actually put the application online for your convenience, so you can complete it and submit it right there on our website.”

    Customer: “Oh, I don’t use computers. Technology usage is against my religious beliefs. Can you just fax me the application?”

    Me: “Erm…absolutely!”

    A Real Life Game Of Telephone

    | Lethbridge, AB, Canada | Top

    Me: “Hi, I’m calling on behalf of [power company]. I’m conducting a survey about your electrical service.”

    Guy: “You’re disconnecting a what?”

    Me: “I’m conducting a survey.”

    Guy: “What kind of survey?”

    Me: “It’s about your electrical service.”

    Guy: “Are you shutting off my electricity?”

    Me: “No, everything’s fine. I’m just conducting a survey to find out if you’re satisfied with your service.”

    Guy: “You’re disconnecting a what?”

    Me: “Conducting a survey–”

    Guy, to his wife: “You didn’t pay the bill and now they’re cutting off our lights!”

    Wife: “I paid the d*** bill!”

    Guy: “My wife says she paid the bill! Why are you cutting off my service if the bill’s been paid?”

    Me: “Your service isn’t being cut off. I’m conducting a survey.”

    Guy: “Disconnecting a what?”

    Me: *very slowly* “Conducting a survey…”

    Guy, to his wife: “They’re disconnecting our survey! You paid the bill late!”

    Wife: “No, I didn’t! Get off my case!”

    Me: “Nothing’s being disconnected!”

    Guy: “Then why are you calling?”

    Me: “To make sure you’re satisfied with the service you’re receiving.”

    Guy: “I was satisfied until you told me you’re cutting off my service.”

    Me: “Your service isn’t being cut off. Everything’s fine!”

    Guy: “Oh, okay. Well I gotta go apologize to my wife now!” *click*

    When You Know You Need Better Glasses Or Better Handwriting

    | Augusta, GA, USA |

    (In taking a call, I ask a customer to read me some numbers from her hardware in order to access her account.)

    Customer: “3-7-V…”

    Me: *repeating* “3-7-V.”

    Customer: “3-7-V!”

    Me: *thinking I’ve misheard, correcting* “3-7-B?”

    Customer: “3-7-V!”

    Me: “…3-7-V? ‘V’ like ‘Victor’?”

    Customer: “3-7-V! V! ‘V’ like ‘umbrella’!”

    That’s Not The Only Thing She Was Scared Out Of

    | Beaverton, OR, USA | Top

    Me: “Thank you for calling *hiccup!* how may I *hiccup!* help you?”

    Customer: *laughing* “Got a problem over there?”

    Me: “Sorry sir, *hiccup!*, I have the hiccups.”

    Customer: “Oh, OK, well…DO YOU WANT ME TO GO OVER THERE AND KILL YOU RIGHT NOW?!”

    Me: “Um…uh…I mean…”

    Customer: “Ha ha ha, I’m just kidding with you. I bet you don’t have the hiccups any more now, huh?”

    One Annoyed Paranoid, Part 2

    | Appleton, WI, USA |

    Me: “Thank you for calling [phone company]. How may I help you today?”

    Caller: “Hi, I just want to know why my bill is higher this month. You guys are always adding charges to my bill, and I want to know why!”

    Me: “Well, ma’am, I will be more than happy to help you figure out those charges. Let me pull up the account. Who am I speaking with?”

    Caller: “I can’t tell you that.”

    Me: “Ma’am, I need to pull up the account to find out what your charges are. I can’t do that if I don’t get any information from you.”

    Caller: *reluctantly gives name* “I don’t know why you keep asking me for this information! You have my credit card numbers and social security numbers and whatever else! What government agency are you selling my information to, anyway?”

    Me: “Ma’am, we do not sell your information. I can’t even access any of your–”

    Caller: “I know you tell them where I call! The police are tapping my phone and harassing me! I know you have my information!”

    Me: “Okay, ma’am…well, the charges on your account seem to be 411 charges.”

    Caller: “That’s so they don’t know who I’m calling!” *click*

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