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    By Doing Nothing, The Problem Solves Itself

    | Minneapolis, MN, USA |

    Customer: *on the phone* “I’m turning you in for mail fraud! I don’t want any more of your stuff!”

    Me: *checking* “OK, you were already taken off the list a few weeks ago.”

    Customer: “Well, I don’t want your magazine!”

    Me: “I’ll need to transfer you to the magazine department so they can cancel that for you.”

    Customer: “I don’t get the magazine!”

    Me: “So you’re only getting DVDs, then?

    Customer: “I haven’t gotten any DVDs!”

    Me: “So…what are you getting from us?”

    Customer: “Nothing!”

    Me: “OK…then I guess you’re all set…”

    Customer: “OK!” *hangs up*

    Unhappily Ever After

    | Maryland, USA |

    Caller: “I want to check the status of my form to withdrawal my account.”

    Me: “I’m sorry Sir, but you gave conflicting information on the form. In the section where it asked if you were married, you marked both ‘Yes’ and ‘No’.’

    Caller: “…and?”

    Me: “Well, sir, that is conflicting information, so it was kicked out of the system.”

    Caller: “So, what should I mark?”

    Me: “Well, are you married or not?”

    Caller: “I’m married… but I don’t like her.”

    Me: “It sounds like you’re separated, but just to check, are you legally married?”

    Caller: “Yes, but I don’t feel like I’m married.”

    Me: “If you aren’t legally divorced, you’ll need to mark that you are married.”

    Caller: “But I don’t LIKE her!”

    Also seen on: Not Always Romantic

    Pepperoni Pizza With A Side Of Pointless Paranoia

    , | Montreal, QC, Canada | Top

    Me: “9-1-1, police, fire, or ambulance?”

    Caller: “Help, please God, help!”

    Me: “Sir, what’s the emergency?”

    Caller: “Someone’s trying to break into my house! Please, send the cops!”

    Me: “Calm down… the police are well on the way as we are talking.”

    Caller: “I don’t want to die! Oh my God, why me?”

    Me: “Sir, take a deep breath. Do you know this person?”

    Caller: “Yeah, I ordered some pizza, I paid, and he gave it to me. I can see through the window it’s him… he’s pounding on my door trying to get in! Where are the cops?!”

    Me: “Sir, I’ll stay on the phone with you if it makes you feel safer. Can you yell what he wants?”

    Caller: “Okay…” *yells toward the door* “What do you want, man?!”

    Pizza guy: *faintly, behind the door* “You forgot your change!”

    My Biggest And Loudest Fan

    | Florida, USA | Top

    (I worked for a university, calling alumni to ask for donations.)

    Alumnus: *on the phone* “Do they monitor your calls there?”

    Me: “Sometimes. That’s how they evaluate me.”

    Alumnus: “Are they monitoring this call right now?”

    Me: “I’m not sure; it’s at random times to keep me on my toes.”

    Alumnus: “Well, just in case – SHE’S DOING A GREAT F***ING JOB, BIG BROTHER!”

    Our Great Dumbocracy, Part 2

    | Richmond, VA, USA |

    (This was back in August of 2008, and I was just starting as a volunteer for the Barack Obama campaign.)

    Me: “Hi I’m calling on behalf of the Barack Obama Campaign for Change. Is [name] there?”

    Caller: “Barack Obama?”

    Me: “Yes, sir.”

    Caller: “Who’s he?”

    Me: “A candidate.”

    Caller: “For what?”

    Me: “President.”

    Caller: “President of what?”

    Me: “…the United States?”

    Caller: “I’M TALKING TO THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES?”

    Me: “No, I’m just a volunteer.”

    Caller: “Oh okay. So go ahead, ask me the questions.”

    Me: “So which candidate do you support?”

    Caller: “Candidate for what?

    Me: “The United States.”

    Caller: “Oh, the election is this year?”

    Me: “Yes. So which candidate do you support?”

    Caller: “Well, I guess Obama, since he’s calling me.”

    Me: “Alright, good.”

    Caller: “Is he there?”

    Me: “Um… no, not right now.”

    Caller: “But I read on the news he’s supposed to be in Virginia.”

    Me: “Yeah, but not in Richmond.”

    Caller: “Oh, when will he get back?”

    Me: “I’m not sure, sir.”

    Caller: “Okay. Well, when he gets back, have him give me a call!”

    Me:“Uh… okay.”

    Caller: “You need the number?”

    Me: “No, sir, I’ve got it.”

    Caller: “Okay, he’d better call me and tell me to vote for him!”

    Related:
    Our Great Dumbocracy

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