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    From 20 Questions To Truth Or Dare

    | Rexburg, ID, USA |

    (Note: I work at a call center doing surveys on tourism. This person was obviously drunk when I called them.)

    Me: “Have you visited Texas within the last six months?”

    Drunk guy: “Yesh.”

    Me: “And how many people were in your travel party?”

    Drunk guy: “I have had enough of your questions. It’s time for you to answer some of mine!”

    Me: “Sir, we only have a few more–”

    Drunk guy: “Enough! What is your name, and have you ever been to a nudist colony?!”"

    Sometimes, Ignorance Really Is Bliss

    | Montreal, Canada |

    (A customer has called to redeem the points earned on her credit card in exchange for return airfare from Montreal, Qc to Chicago, Illinois. I have just given her the flight departure and arrival times.)

    Customer: “Why is the flight going there so short? You said it was a 90-minute flight.”

    Me: “The times are given in their respective time zones. We are in the Eastern time zone, but Chicago is one hour behind us, and it’s in the Central time zone. The flight really is 90 minutes long, it just looks shorter due to the time difference.”

    Customer: “Time…zones?”

    Me: “Yes, we have five time zones: Maritimes, Eastern, Central, Mountain and Pacific Time. In your case, there is a one hour difference between each zone. If it is 11:00am here, it is only 10:00am in Chicago. So when your flight arrives in Chicago at 11:30am, that is Chicago time. In Montreal it will actually be 12:30pm, so the flight is an hour and a half.”

    Customer: “Then why is the return flight so long? It’s like, an hour longer than the way there!”

    Me: “Again, it is the difference between the time zones, only in reverse. It only looks as though the flight is longer but it’s also a 90 minute flight. It adds an hour on the return flight because you are coming back East.”

    Customer: “I still don’t get it – the flight should be the same time in both directions. It’s 30 minutes to get there, but more than 2 hours to get back!”

    (After 20 minutes of more explaining I give up.)

    Me: “For the flight to Chicago, the wind is at your back, so the plane goes really fast. On the way back, it’s against the wind, and so the plane goes slower.”

    Customer: “Oh! Well that makes much more sense. Thank you!”

    Me: “I do my best. Have a good trip, ma’am.”

    They Stop Terrorists, Thwart Criminals, and Return Blenders

    | Washington, USA |

    Customer: *on the phone* “My order number is ****.”

    Me: “OK, I’ve got your order up on my screen. How can I help you, sir?”

    Customer: “You shipped me this product, and I did not order it.”

    Me: “Are you **** of **** Street?”

    Customer: “Yes. I was on your website and I selected this product, and hit the ‘Submit Order’ button, but I didn’t order it.”

    Me: “When you hit ‘Submit Order’ and get an order number, and an email confirming your order, that means you have submitted an order.”

    Customer: “But I haven’t paid for this product, so I didn’t order it.”

    Me: “That’s because you selected the ‘Bill Me Later’ option.”

    Customer: “Fine. Then guess what I’m going to do? I’m going to keep this product, and I’m never going to pay you for it. Sucker.”

    Me: “That’s your choice, sir, but if you don’t either return the product we sent you or pay by the due date, your account will be sent to a collection agency for recovery.”

    Customer: “I am calling the FBI to report you.”

    Me: “For what, sir?”

    Customer: “I’m going to tell them that you sent me a product that I didn’t pay for, and they’re going to shut you crooks down.”

    Me: “So you’re going to call the FBI, and tell them that you ordered a product from us, and now you’re refusing to pay for it OR send it back.”

    Customer: “Don’t you twist my words. I’m calling the FBI on YOU, not ME.”

    Me: “That’s your choice, sir, but wouldn’t it be easier to just send the product back if you don’t want it?”

    Customer: “I do want it. I’m just not paying for it. You’ve wasted enough of my time. I’m hanging up now and calling the FBI.” *hangs up*

    (I checked his account later and saw that the guy paid his bill in full before it was even due. I guess things didn’t pan out with the FBI.)

    Insanity Comes Through Loud And Clear

    | Alberta, Canada | Top

    (This guy called in and got the wrong department, and the correct department was in another city, or perhaps country.)

    Me: “I’m sorry, but I can’t access your account from my department. If you’ll let me put you on hold, I’ll transfer you to someone who–”

    Customer: “No! Every time I get put on hold I get dropped.”

    Me: “Well, I can’t help you unless you let me put you–”

    Customer: “Stop interrupting me!”

    Me: “I… I’m not–”

    Customer: “Yes you are! Do we have to start using the over-and-out method?”

    Me: “I’m not sure what–”

    Customer: “After everything I say, I say ‘over’. Then you can talk. Then you say ‘over’, and I can talk.”

    Me: “I’m not really sure that’s nessec–”

    Customer: “Now, I need to put more minutes on my phone. Over.”

    Me: “I’m in the post-paid department and I can’t access Prepaid accounts here. If you’ll let me transfer you I can get someone who can help you. Over.”

    Customer: “No. I refuse to be put on hold. Just get someone to come over and use your phone.”

    (There is a long pause.)

    Customer: “…hello? Are you ignoring me?” *another long pause* “HELLOOOOOO!”

    Me: “…you didn’t say ‘over’.”

    Sometimes You Want To Go Where Everybody Has A Name

    | Pittsburgh, PA, USA |

    Me: “Hello, thank you for calling ****. This is Bryan, may I have your account number?”

    Customer: “Bryan who?”

    Me: “I’m sorry ma’am, for security purposes I’m unable to provide you with my last name. For reference I can provide you my ID number.”

    Customer: “That won’t do, you need to have a last name. I can’t speak to someone without a last name. Make one up please, for my sake.”

    Me: “…OK, for the purposes of this call my name is Bryan Jones.”

    Customer: “Thank you, Mr. Jones. I…”

    (My name isn’t Jones.)


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