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    My Hypocrisy Ate Your Democracy

    | Orlando, FL, USA |

    Me: “Thank you for calling the Benefits Center, how may I assist you today?”

    Customer: “Hi. I am trying to enroll in my benefits for next year.”

    Me: “Okay, how may I assist you?”

    Customer: “I just got engaged and I want to add my fiance to my insurance.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, but you won’t be able to add your fiance to your coverage until you get married.”

    Customer: “… So, those f***ing f***ots can get benefits, but I can’t?”

    Me: “Yes, sir, but you have the option to get married, they don’t.”

    Customer: “Those f***ing f***ots, f***ing us over anyway they can!”

    Me: “I’m sorry sir, but you have the option to get married, they do not. That is the only reason we offer health benefits to same-sex domestic partners.”

    Customer: “What if I can’t get married? What are you going to do about that?”

    Me: “Why can’t you get married?”

    Customer: “Well, a**hole if you must ask… it’s because I am already married.”

    Me: “Sir, I can assure you we don’t pay for infidelity.”

    Rudolph The Boob-Nosed Reinder

    | California, USA |

    Me: “Thank you for calling ***, this is Bill in the breast aesthetics department. How may I help you?”

    Customer: “My left boob popped.”

    Me: “Okay, so the implant failed?”

    Customer: “Yes.”

    Me: “Are your implants silicone gel or saline?”

    Customer: “The water kind.”

    Me: “So, we’ve had a saline deflation. I need to ask you some questions in regards to how it may have deflated.”

    Customer: “Why, don’t you believe me?”

    Me: “Of course I believe you, but as part of making our implants even better and evaluating where under the device’s warranty this falls, I need to know what may have led up to the implant’s leak.”

    Customer: “Oh, so you think this is my fault?! You make a crappy implant and you have the nerve to blame me?”

    Me: “Wait, wait. First, I didn’t make your implant, my company did. I’m here to help you get this fixed in the fastest way possible and that starts with finding out how the implant deflated.”

    Customer: “So you want to know what I did to screw them up, is that right? I spend a fortune on these things to be walking around with a flat tire of a tit and you think it’s my fault?”

    Me: “No, ma’am. I simply need to know how to cover this under your warranty, to see how much money we are going to give you to fix the problem. We give you a check for money to fix the problem if you’ll just answer my questions. What do you remember doing when you first noticed the deflation in your breast?”

    Customer: “Me and my boyfriend were playing sex hide-and-seek in the house and he thought it would be more fun if my boobs glowed. So, he used a needle tube to insert little red lights into them… what do you call those little glowing lights? It’s like three letters?”

    Me: “… A diode?”

    Customer: “Yes. He’s a trained professional… he uses them on animals at his job all the time.”

    Me: “So, your boyfriend punched a hole in your chest and tried inserting a diode inside the implant?”

    Customer: “Well, not in my chest. Just on the top side of my boob so it wouldn’t hurt. He numbed it first.”

    Me: “… And this is the implant’s fault, how?”

    Customer: “It started leaking and getting flat.”

    Me: *laughing* “I’m sorry, can you repeat that? I’m recording this and no one is going to believe me!”

    Customer: *click*

    Also seen on: Not Always Romantic.

    He’s Gonna Need A Huge Courtroom

    | Boise, ID, USA |

    (Note: I’m calling to renew magazine subscriptions.)

    Me: “Hello, may I speak with ***?”

    Customer: “This is him, and you know… I’ve gotten five calls from Boise Idaho today!”

    Me: “So sorry, but I assure you it wasn’t us. Our system only calls once per day.”

    Customer: “Do you work for them! Do you work for Boise Idaho?”

    Me: “Yeah, I guess. But there are a number of call centers here in Boise. Maybe one of them called you?”

    Customer: “No! It was Boise Idaho! You know what? This is what’s going to happen… let me have your name!”

    Me: *gives name*

    Customer: “Well, son, you are now involved in a lawsuit! I am suing Boise Idaho and everyone who works for Boise Idaho!”

    Me: “… Are you serious?”

    Customer: “Yes! I get calls all the time from Boise Idaho and I’m sick of it! I’m on a do not call list!”

    Me: “Well, you subscribed to this magazine, so the list doesn’t apply. However, I can put you on our system’s do not call list and we will never bother you again.”

    Customer: “This is so illegal. I’m taking your job and suing Boise Idaho!”

    Me: “I wish you the best of luck in suing Boise, Idaho sir, I really do.” *click*

    Marital Bliss, In All Its Forms, Part 2

    | Des Moines, IA, USA |

    (I’ve just done a sales pitch for internet service.)

    Customer: “Oh honey, I’m 73. I wouldn’t know that to do with the internet. I can hardly run the computer my daughter gave me.”

    Me: “Well, I’ll be honest. I’m 24 and I do struggle with them from time to time.”

    Customer: “Boy, I sure wouldn’t want to be your age, what with all the bad things happening in the world today.”

    Me: “I don’t know, I’m pretty optimistic most of the time. I think we’ll be okay.”

    Customer: “You’ve never been married, have you?”

    Related:
    Marital Bliss, In All Its Forms

    Also seen on: Not Always Romantic.

    Barking Up The Wrong Tree

    | San Diego, CA, USA |

    Me: “This is Mark, can I help you?”

    Customer: “Yeah, I want a discount on my services.”

    Me: “I’d be glad to see if you qualify for a promotion on a new service–”

    Customer: “No, I mean on my current services.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am. We don’t have any promotions like that; they’re only for new services.”

    Customer: “Well, this is bulls***! I shouldn’t have to pay for Spanish channels that I don’t watch and can’t understand. Let the Mexicans pay extra for those, not me!”

    Me: “Ma’am, we cater to our demographic, and California as a whole has a very large Hispanic population including MYSELF and my family.”

    Customer: “That’s terrible! I’m on a budget and don’t think I should be charged for these.”

    Me: “Again, I’m sorry ma’am, but that’s just how are services are offered.”

    Customer: “Well I’ll tell you this… you better watch out, because before you know it, a MEXICAN is gonna take your job!”

    Me: “… Alright then, ma’am. Gracias por llamar a *** que tenga un buen dia.” *click*


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