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    It Also Comes In Lemon, Cherry, and Chlorine

    | Reno, NV, USA |

    (I work for a company which sells hand sanitizer.)

    Me: “Thank you for calling [company]! How may I help you?”

    Caller: “Hi, I’m just calling to ask if your product comes in any other flavors?”

    Me: “…”

    Even Galaxon Spaceways Charges Extra For Luggage Nowadays

    | Melrose, MA, USA |

    (I work for an answering service where we get calls from tenants after hours with requests for the maintenance man.)

    Customer: “Hi, I’m in apartment 12. I need to leave a message for the maintenance man.”

    Me: “Sure, and what’s the message?”

    Customer: “Well, I’m leaving for awhile. I don’t know when I’ll be back. I need to know that he’ll keep an eye on my stuff.”

    Me: “Okay, is that all?”

    Customer: “Yeah, I think so. See, I’m leaving the planet tomorrow.”

    Me: “Um…excuse me?”

    Customer: “I’m leaving the planet. Problem is, I’m only allowed to bring one suitcase, and I have a lot of stuff in my apartment! I just need to know that it will be safe while I’m gone.”

    Me: “Okay, so you want me to tell the maintenance man to watch your stuff until you return from outer space?”

    Customer: “Exactly! Thank you so much for being so sweet!”

    I Junk Mailed To Say I Love You

    | Reno, NV, USA |

    Me: “Thank you for calling [wireless company]! How may I help you?”

    Customer: “Yeah, you sent me an ad and I want to let you know I’m very happy with the service I’m getting with a competitor, so I don’t need your services.”

    Me: “Of course, sir. Would you like to be taken off our mailing?”

    Customer: “Now, just a minute there, just a minute! I want to thank you for thinking of me. Nobody ever sends me anything in the mail these days, so I want to thank you for sending me things. I don’t want your services, but I’d like you to keep sending me the ads.”

    Me: “You don’t want to buy anything from us, but you want to keep receiving the advertisements? Am I understanding you correctly?”

    Customer: “Yes, that’s correct. Thank you for thinking of me.”

    Me: “Um, you’re welcome, sir! We’d be happy to keep sending you things in the mail, if that’s what you want.”

    Customer: “Thank you!” *hangs up*

    A Runaway Train Of Thought

    | Eugene, OR, USA |

    (A caller phones into our car rental company looking for a vehicle, but we’re sold out in every nearby location.)

    Caller: “Why aren’t there any cars for me? Everyone I ask tells me they’re out of cars!”

    Me: “We’ve been having a hard time keeping a hold on any cars with this tourist season.”

    Caller: “Terrorism?”

    Me: “No, ma’am, the tourist season. It’s been a really big push into your area lately, so Florida’s swamped.”

    Caller: “Everyone’s been blaming the terrorists today. Why are we all letting the terrorists win?” *begins sobbing*

    Me: “Ma’am, it’s tourists, not terrorists.”

    Caller: “I’m an American! In America! Why are we letting them ruin my life? We can’t let these terrorists win!” *continues sobbing for a moment and then hangs up*

    Little Know It All Has No Reason To Be Still Waiting

    | Lowell, MA, USA |

    Me: “Hello, how can I help you today?”

    Caller: “Yes, I’d like to make a complaint.”

    Me: “What’s the problem, ma’am?”

    Caller: “Last night, I came here to see Sum 41 and The Offspring. Sum 41 called some people up onto the stage, but they didn’t know the words!”

    Me: “Wait, you’d like to complain about a random fan a singer picked to come up on stage?!”

    Caller: “Yes! These girls just danced around like fools! I’ve been a fan for years and I know all the words, so why wasn’t I picked to go on stage?”

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