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    Best Customer (And Most Expensive Envelopes) Ever

    | Charleston, SC, USA | Awesome Customers, Money, Top

    Me: “Thank you for calling [Wireless Service Provider's] Financial Services Department. May I have your mobile number please?”

    Caller: “I am calling to complain that I have not been receiving payment return envelopes with my statements each month.”

    Me: “No problem, sir. Let me get your mobile number so I can pull up your account and see what’s going on.”

    Caller: *gives account number*

    Me: “Ok, just give me a minute to look through the account and see what’s going on.”

    (Looking through his payment history, I notice he’s been paying $60 a month for a $20 a month plan for nearly two years. As a result, he has over $1,000 in credit on his account.)

    Me: “Okay, sir, thanks for holding. It looks like the reason we haven’t been sending you envelopes is because you haven’t owed us any money for the past two years or so.”

    Caller: “But I’ve been using the service! How do I not owe you any money?”

    Me: “Well, your bill is only about 20 dollars a month and you’ve been consistently overpaying each month.”

    Caller: “Yes, I know! I have money, now and what if one day I don’t? I want to be able to have my cell phone! I NEED envelopes! Can you send me some right away?”

    Me: “Sir, basically you could not pay your cell phone bill for about the next several years and not have to worry about it. Why not let some of that balance wear down? You’ve really been paying way too much!”

    Caller: “But I need more envelopes! I don’t know why you can’t just send me some!”

    Me: “Sir, it’s all done in a warehouse. We don’t actually have stacks of letters laying around our office. Since the company isn’t sending you envelopes, why not just go purchase some from a store?”

    Caller: “No, I can’t do that!”

    Me: “Okay, I’ll take care of this for you…”

    (I end the call, hunt down a few generic non-labeled envelopes from the supply cabinet, and mail them to the customer. I check back on his account a few days later and he had called in to thank us for sending him the envelopes!)

    The Highs and Lows Of Parenting

    | Toronto, ON, Canada |

    Me: “9-1-1, police fire or ambulance?”

    Customer: “Police.”

    Me: “What’s your emergency?”

    Customer: “Is it illegal for a 14 year old to be drinking Jack Daniels?”

    Me: “Yes, it is.”

    Customer: “Oh, okay. And, one more question. Is it illegal for a 14 year old to be smoking marijuana?”

    Me: “Yes, it is, ma’am.”

    Customer: “Oh, okay. My son told me it wasn’t. I’d like you to arrest my son please. He’s been doing this for a couple of years now!”

    I Once Had A Brain This Big

    | Adelaide, Australia |

    Caller: “I would like to buy a mirror please.”

    Me: “Okay, we have beveled edges, shaped mirrors, plain mirrors. What sort were you after?”

    Caller: “Well I just need one to cover this space. So, can you tell me how much it’s going to cost?”

    Me: “Sure. I just need to know how big you need it.”

    Caller: “What do you need to know that for? It’s just a normal mirror.”

    Me: “I need to know the dimensions so I can give you a proper price.”

    Caller: “Fine, then. Hang on.” *Few minutes pass.* “Are you there?”

    Me: “Yes, I’m here. How big is it?”

    Caller: “It’s this big.”

    Me: “How big?”

    Caller: “I said it’s this big.”

    Me: “Are you standing there with your arms out?”

    Caller: “Yes, why?”

    Me: “Well, because I can’t see how big ‘this’ is. Look, I’ll send out a rep to quote you, okay?”

    Caller: “Fine then, come as quickly as you can. I’m a busy woman, you know!”

    Land Of The Free, Home Of The Naive

    | Virginia, USA |

    (I get a call from a new renter with whom I had signed a lease contract with the previous night.)

    Me: “Thanks for calling [apartments]! How may I help you?”

    Renter: “My name is *** and I just signed the lease last night. I want to cancel it.”

    Me: “Cancel? I’m sorry, but the lease is a binding contract between yourself and the management company as we discussed.”

    Renter: “What! I don’t want it! Just cancel it!”

    Me: “Well, there are some options. We can try to rent the apartment to another tenant to end your lease early, or, if you happen to qualify for a job or military transfer–”

    Renter: “I can’t believe you’re doing this to me. I can’t believe that in the United States of America, I can sign a legal document, and not get out of it!” *hangs up*

    It’s A Fashion Emergency

    | Virginia, USA |

    Me: “Apartment maintenance line, how may I help you?”

    Caller: “Yes, I put too many clothes on the clothes hanger rack in my closet and it fell down.”

    Me: “Okay, let me get your information and I’ll send a maintenance tech over. What’s your apartment number?”

    Caller: *gives number* “When is he coming over?”

    Me: “Looks like it will be about an hour, maybe a little less.”

    Caller: “But this is an emergency! My clothes are all over the floor!”

    Me: “I’m sorry, sir. He’ll be there within an hour to install a better rack for you. It shouldn’t take long for him to do that. Could you provide me with your apartment number?”

    Caller: “Where am I supposed to put my clothes? This is an emergency! I’m calling someone else!” *hangs up*

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