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    When You Know You Need Better Glasses Or Better Handwriting

    | Augusta, GA, USA |

    (In taking a call, I ask a customer to read me some numbers from her hardware in order to access her account.)

    Customer: “3-7-V…”

    Me: *repeating* “3-7-V.”

    Customer: “3-7-V!”

    Me: *thinking I’ve misheard, correcting* “3-7-B?”

    Customer: “3-7-V!”

    Me: “…3-7-V? ‘V’ like ‘Victor’?”

    Customer: “3-7-V! V! ‘V’ like ‘umbrella’!”

    That’s Not The Only Thing She Was Scared Out Of

    | Beaverton, OR, USA | Top

    Me: “Thank you for calling *hiccup!* how may I *hiccup!* help you?”

    Customer: *laughing* “Got a problem over there?”

    Me: “Sorry sir, *hiccup!*, I have the hiccups.”

    Customer: “Oh, OK, well…DO YOU WANT ME TO GO OVER THERE AND KILL YOU RIGHT NOW?!”

    Me: “Um…uh…I mean…”

    Customer: “Ha ha ha, I’m just kidding with you. I bet you don’t have the hiccups any more now, huh?”

    One Annoyed Paranoid, Part 2

    | Appleton, WI, USA |

    Me: “Thank you for calling [phone company]. How may I help you today?”

    Caller: “Hi, I just want to know why my bill is higher this month. You guys are always adding charges to my bill, and I want to know why!”

    Me: “Well, ma’am, I will be more than happy to help you figure out those charges. Let me pull up the account. Who am I speaking with?”

    Caller: “I can’t tell you that.”

    Me: “Ma’am, I need to pull up the account to find out what your charges are. I can’t do that if I don’t get any information from you.”

    Caller: *reluctantly gives name* “I don’t know why you keep asking me for this information! You have my credit card numbers and social security numbers and whatever else! What government agency are you selling my information to, anyway?”

    Me: “Ma’am, we do not sell your information. I can’t even access any of your–”

    Caller: “I know you tell them where I call! The police are tapping my phone and harassing me! I know you have my information!”

    Me: “Okay, ma’am…well, the charges on your account seem to be 411 charges.”

    Caller: “That’s so they don’t know who I’m calling!” *click*

    Thank You For Calling Planet Of The Apes

    , | Columbus, OH, USA | Top

    Me: “Thank you for calling tech support. How can I help you?”

    Customer: “Hello?”

    Me: “Hello?”

    Customer: “Hello?”

    Me: “Hello?”

    Customer: “Hey Jon, check this out! The machine says hello back when I say hello!”

    Me: “I’m not a machine, sir.”

    Customer: “OH MY GOD, IT’S ADDRESSING ME!”

    Me: “No, sir, I’m not a machine!”

    Customer: “Oh… so you’re one of them human peoples?”

    Me: “Yes, sir, I am a human peoples.”

    Foolish As A Second Language

    | Thorofare, NJ, USA | Top

    Me: “Good afternoon, I’m from [collections agency]. Is **** available to speak?”

    Young girl: “Sure, hold on one second.”

    (A few moments later…)

    Client: “Hello?”

    Me: “Good afternoon, sir. I’m making a courtesy call on behalf of [credit card company] about the overdue balance on the account you have with them.”

    Client: “What?”

    Me: “You currently owe $3,800.00, but you haven’t made a payment in 6 months. I’m calling to see if you’re having trouble paying the bill. I can also help you set up a payment plan to make it easier for you to handle the payments.”

    Client: “NO HABLO ESPA√ëOL!”

    Me: “Sir, that’s why I’m speaking to you in English.”

    Client: “Huh?”

    Me: “You just said, ‘I don’t speak Spanish’.”

    (There’s a bit of a pause while he digests what I’ve said.)

    Client: “…What do I owe again?”

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