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    I Once Had A Brain This Big

    | Adelaide, Australia |

    Caller: “I would like to buy a mirror please.”

    Me: “Okay, we have beveled edges, shaped mirrors, plain mirrors. What sort were you after?”

    Caller: “Well I just need one to cover this space. So, can you tell me how much it’s going to cost?”

    Me: “Sure. I just need to know how big you need it.”

    Caller: “What do you need to know that for? It’s just a normal mirror.”

    Me: “I need to know the dimensions so I can give you a proper price.”

    Caller: “Fine, then. Hang on.” *Few minutes pass.* “Are you there?”

    Me: “Yes, I’m here. How big is it?”

    Caller: “It’s this big.”

    Me: “How big?”

    Caller: “I said it’s this big.”

    Me: “Are you standing there with your arms out?”

    Caller: “Yes, why?”

    Me: “Well, because I can’t see how big ‘this’ is. Look, I’ll send out a rep to quote you, okay?”

    Caller: “Fine then, come as quickly as you can. I’m a busy woman, you know!”

    Land Of The Free, Home Of The Naive

    | Virginia, USA |

    (I get a call from a new renter with whom I had signed a lease contract with the previous night.)

    Me: “Thanks for calling [apartments]! How may I help you?”

    Renter: “My name is *** and I just signed the lease last night. I want to cancel it.”

    Me: “Cancel? I’m sorry, but the lease is a binding contract between yourself and the management company as we discussed.”

    Renter: “What! I don’t want it! Just cancel it!”

    Me: “Well, there are some options. We can try to rent the apartment to another tenant to end your lease early, or, if you happen to qualify for a job or military transfer–”

    Renter: “I can’t believe you’re doing this to me. I can’t believe that in the United States of America, I can sign a legal document, and not get out of it!” *hangs up*

    It’s A Fashion Emergency

    | Virginia, USA |

    Me: “Apartment maintenance line, how may I help you?”

    Caller: “Yes, I put too many clothes on the clothes hanger rack in my closet and it fell down.”

    Me: “Okay, let me get your information and I’ll send a maintenance tech over. What’s your apartment number?”

    Caller: *gives number* “When is he coming over?”

    Me: “Looks like it will be about an hour, maybe a little less.”

    Caller: “But this is an emergency! My clothes are all over the floor!”

    Me: “I’m sorry, sir. He’ll be there within an hour to install a better rack for you. It shouldn’t take long for him to do that. Could you provide me with your apartment number?”

    Caller: “Where am I supposed to put my clothes? This is an emergency! I’m calling someone else!” *hangs up*

    It Also Comes In Lemon, Cherry, and Chlorine

    | Reno, NV, USA |

    (I work for a company which sells hand sanitizer.)

    Me: “Thank you for calling [company]! How may I help you?”

    Caller: “Hi, I’m just calling to ask if your product comes in any other flavors?”

    Me: “…”

    Even Galaxon Spaceways Charges Extra For Luggage Nowadays

    | Melrose, MA, USA |

    (I work for an answering service where we get calls from tenants after hours with requests for the maintenance man.)

    Customer: “Hi, I’m in apartment 12. I need to leave a message for the maintenance man.”

    Me: “Sure, and what’s the message?”

    Customer: “Well, I’m leaving for awhile. I don’t know when I’ll be back. I need to know that he’ll keep an eye on my stuff.”

    Me: “Okay, is that all?”

    Customer: “Yeah, I think so. See, I’m leaving the planet tomorrow.”

    Me: “Um…excuse me?”

    Customer: “I’m leaving the planet. Problem is, I’m only allowed to bring one suitcase, and I have a lot of stuff in my apartment! I just need to know that it will be safe while I’m gone.”

    Me: “Okay, so you want me to tell the maintenance man to watch your stuff until you return from outer space?”

    Customer: “Exactly! Thank you so much for being so sweet!”

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