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    1-800-KRYPTON

    | San Francisco, CA, USA | Top

    Me: “Dispatch, how may I help you?”

    Caller: “Yes, I have an alarm going off.”

    Me: “Okay, do you happen to have an account number?”

    Caller: “No, I moved into this house five years ago and inherited the alarm system.”

    Me: “Alright, address?”

    Caller: *gives address*

    Me: “Sir, I didn’t receive any notifications. Can you hold for a few minutes while I confirm with our other station?”

    Caller: “I guess…”

    (I call our other station, they tell me they have no record of the alarm.)

    Me: “Sir?”

    Caller: “Yes, yes, what?!”

    Me: “I’m sorry, sir. Is the alarm still going off?”

    Caller: “Yes, can’t you hear? Listen, I am a very important lawyer and I demand you turn this alarm off!”

    Me: “Sir, our alarms reset in ten–”

    Caller: “No, you listen to me, you little s***! I’d better not miss my meetings because you can’t turn off this alarm!”

    (I hear the alarm getting louder and I’m pretty sure he can’t hear me, so…)

    Me: “SON OF JOR-EL! KNEEL BEFORE ZOD!”

    (The alarm in the background shuts off.)

    Caller: “Oh wow! Thank you! Thank you so much!”

    Me: “No problem, sir!”

    Guardian Of The Tubes And Protector Of The Google

    | Columbus, OH, USA | Top

    Me: “Thank you for calling [cable company], how can I–”

    Caller: “Yeah, I’ve heard all that already, sir, so I don’t need any more of your crap, okay?!”

    Me: “Okay sir, what can I do to–”

    Caller: “Look, buddy, my internet is down, and you need to get it up right now or I’m going to get your a** fired!”

    Me: “Sir, I want to get this problem resolved for you just as soon as possible, but you need to–”

    Caller: “I don’t need to do s***! That’s it! I want to speak to your supervisor. No, I want to speak to your supervisor’s supervisor! I WANT TO SPEAK TO THE MAYOR OF THE INTERNET!”

    The Crazies Always Come Out When It’s Overcast

    , | New York, NY, USA |

    Me: “911, what is your emergency?”

    Caller: “You have to help me! Someone has been following me all day!”

    Me: “Can you give a description of the person?”

    Caller: “She’s all black, taller than me, and no face.”

    Me: “Ma’am…that’s your shadow.”

    Caller: “A what?”

    Me: “Ma’am, a shadow is seen as a reflection of yourself when the sun is at a certain angle.”

    Caller: “Oh my GOD! It’s like a fairy!”

    Me: “No, it–”

    Caller: “OH MY GOD, EVERYONE! I HAVE A FAIRY!”

    Me: “Have a nice day, ma’am.”

    Driving Dad To The Edge

    | Logan, UT, USA |

    Customer: *on the phone* “I need you to turn my TV back on.”

    Me: “OK, let me see why it isn’t on.” *checking* “It looks like you are two months behind in your payments to us. I need to collect a payment for two months’ service, as well as $10 in late fees. Which card would you like to put that on?”

    Customer: “I don’t have the money right now, but I need you to turn on the TV right away! I need the TV for my kids! I’ve been playing with them and reading stories with them, and this has just got to stop! Turn the TV back on right now!”

    As The Price Decreases, So Does Brain Cell Count

    | Minneapolis, MN, USA |

    Customer: “I have a coupon here that says 25% off. What does that mean?”

    Me: “It means you get 25% off.”

    Customer: “Huh?”

    Me: “You will get 25% off your total price.”

    Customer: “I don’t understand. Why does it say that?”

    Me: “It’s a discount. They’ll give you a cheaper price.”

    Customer: “Huh? This coupon doesn’t make sense.”

    Me: “When you give your coupon to the attendant, they’ll take 25% off your ticket price.”

    Customer: “I don’t have a coupon.”

    Me: “…”

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