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    Shoot First, Worry About Living Later

    | Washington, USA |

    (I work for a propane company, and I had the following customer call in one day.)

    Me: “Thank you for calling ****, how can I help you?”

    Customer: “Your damn tank is hissing at me!”

    Me: “Well, that sounds like a gas leak sir. How large is the leak, and can you see where it’s coming from?”

    Customer: “It’s coming from the d*** hole in the tank where I shot it!”

    Me: …you shot our propane tank?”

    Customer: “How else was I suppose to get the gas out?”

    The Caped Crusader In His Spare Time

    | St. Cloud, MN, USA |

    (Our call center specializes in courtesy calls to new Health Care Members. We could only speak with the account holder.)

    Me: *on the phone* “Hello. Is **** available?”

    Man: “I’m Batman.”

    Me: “That’s…fine, sir, but is **** there?”

    Man: “I’m Batman.”

    Me: “I understand that, but for the purposes of my call, I have to speak with ****. Can you please tell me if she’s available?”

    Man: “I’m Batman.”

    Me: “I’m near a window, and I can see the bat symbol. While you go to meet the Commissioner, could you hand the phone to ****?”

    Man: “…” *click*

    He Auto Know Better

    | USA |

    (We take calls from all over the USA and Canada from people needing roadside assistance. This particular call was taken by a co-worker.)

    Co-worker: “What is wrong with your vehicle that you need it towed?”

    Customer: “I put it up on a flat.”

    Co-worker: “I’m sorry? You put it up on a flat…?”

    Customer: “Yeah. I put it up on a flat.”

    Co-worker: “What exactly is wrong with it?”

    Customer: “I put it up on a flat! You know, I have a dead battery and 3 flat tires.”

    Co-worker: “Oh, OK. Is that vehicle a two-wheel-drive or a four-wheel-drive?”

    Customer: “It’s a one-wheel drive. I told you I had 3 flat tires! Do you know anything about cars?!”

    Always Right, Even From Beyond The Grave

    | United Kingdom |

    Me: *on the phone* “Hello, welcome to [magazine company]. How can I help?”

    Caller: “I want to cancel my husband’s subscription.”

    Me: “Okay. Could I speak to your husband, as he is the account holder?”

    Caller: “I’m sorry, he passed away last week. That’s why I’m calling. I won’t have to pay what he owes, will I?”

    Me: “I’m sorry to hear that madam. I’ll cancel that and you are correct; you won’t be charged.”

    (I took the details. At the end, I said she could receive one more copy free.)

    Caller: “I’m sorry, I’m not following. I’ve had a lot to deal with since my husband died. We only buried him yesterday.”

    Me: *feeling dreadful for her* “Of course. I’ll go through it again.”

    (I ran through it, stopping at intervals to check she understood. She said she did.)

    Me: “Would you like the free copy? This month you get money off vouchers for books.”

    (15 seconds of silence.)

    Me: “Madam, are you there?”

    Caller: “I still don’t understand, dear. I’m not good with this stuff. Let me get my husband; he usually deals with this.”

    Me: “Madam, you told me your husband died.”

    Caller: *flustered* “I didn’t.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, but you did. You told me your husband died, his funeral was yesterday, and you asked me to cancel his contract and not charge you.”

    Caller: *now getting agitated* “I didn’t. You misunderstood.”

    Me: “Madam, we record calls. I can arrange for you to speak to a manager once the called has been reviewed, if you wish.”

    (Another 15 seconds of silence.)

    Me: “Madam, are you still there?”

    Caller: *click*

    Guilty, Yet Guiltless

    | USA |

    Me: “Hi, is **** there?”

    Customer: “This is him.”

    Me: “Hi, ****. I’m calling about your order.”

    Customer: “Oh, great! What do you need?”

    Me: “Well, sir, you unfortunately forgot to sign both your money orders.”

    Customer: “…So?”

    Me: “We can’t cash them if they’re not signed. They’re like checks that way.”

    Customer: “…So? When that happens, you should just sign it for us. You must write checks to yourselves for customers all the time.”

    Me: “No, sir, that’s called fraud.”

    Customer: “…So?”

    Me: “…So, that’s illegal.”

    Customer: “…So?”

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