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    The Wind In The Windows

    | Orlando, FL, USA | Crazy Requests, Technology, Top

    Me: “Thank you for calling ***. How may I help you today?”

    Caller: “I’m having problems with my computer and–”

    (Suddenly, what sounds like an air raid siren sounds off in the background.)

    Me: “Ma’am, I apologize. I was unable to hear what you said.”

    Caller: “Stupid tornado warnings! They always make it hard to talk on the phone.”

    Me: “Oh…should I let you go?”

    Caller: “Nah. This happens all of the time.”

    (In addition to the siren, I hear a door slam and the sound of someone else entering the room. I hear a male voice who I guess is the caller’s husband.)

    Caller’s husband: “D*** it woman, are you crazy?! Get to the basement!”

    Caller: “Oh, I guess I should go…” *hangs up*

    Your Improv Needs Improvement

    , | Denver, CO, USA |

    (I work at my university calling alumni for donations. The person who picks up has a normal American accent.)

    Caller: “Hello?”

    Me: “Hi, may I please speak with [name]?”

    Caller: “Who is this?”

    Me: “This is *** from [university].”

    (Suddenly, the caller changes his voice to a thick, supposedly foreign accent. It’s obvious it’s the same person.)

    Caller: “He not here now.”

    Me: *playing along* “Oh, okay. Do you know a better time for me to reach him?”

    Caller: *still using accent* “No, no. He not here! If he need to sign form, send them to his work.”

    Me: “Okay. Well, thanks for taking the time to speak with me. Have a great evening!

    Caller: *back to an American accent* “You too!”

    A Tale Of Time Traveling Tune-Ups

    | Norway | Top

    Customer: “Hi, I need to schedule an appointment to test my car. I need it as soon as possible!”

    Me: “Okay, let’s see. First available appointment is actually today. Would you like me to put you up for that?”

    Customer: “Hmm…I don’t know. I really do need it as soon as possible. Can you check to see if you have anything earlier?”

    Me: “Well, first available is today.”

    Customer: “I really need it before that.”

    Me: “Earlier than today?”

    Customer: “Yes.”

    Me: “Yeah, I don’t see how I could make that happen. Can you maybe tell me which day you would like?”

    Customer: “Yesterday?”

    Me: “Yesterday?”

    Customer: “Yes, that would be great!”

    Me: “Sorry, nothing available yesterday. How about tomorrow?”

    Customer: “Okay, I guess that’ll do…”

    Perhaps He Would Prefer An Abacus

    | Tennessee, USA |

    (I was helping a user in one of our accounting firm’s remote offices.)

    Caller: “My email isn’t working!”

    Me: “Okay, what seems to be the problem?”

    Caller: “I already said, my email isn’t working!”

    Me: “Okay, so is it not sending email, or is it not opening?”

    Caller: “It’s not sending email. This is pathetic! I don’t have
    time for this!”

    Me: “I am here to help you. Does it say ‘connected’ at the lower right hand of the screen?”

    Caller: “I don’t know, this isn’t my job! It’s yours, so fix it!”

    Me: “I am trying to, sir, but I will need your help with fixing this issue remotely.”

    Caller: “No, that’s not what I get paid to do. I am an accountant! I’m not supposed to know how to use a computer!”

    Understating The Obvious

    | Denver, CO, USA |

    Me: “Thank you for calling [TV service], my name is ***. How may–”

    Caller: “I don’t care!”

    Me: “I’m sorry?”

    Caller: “I don’t care what your name is! You guys are what’s driving me to start using again!”

    Me: “Okay…how can I provide you with the best value and service?”

    Caller: “You don’t care about that! All you care about is going home at the end of your shift and having that first sip of beer!”

    Me: “Actually, ma’am, I’m 19, so I don’t drink.”

    Caller: “You’re just a young punk! You should be at home with your mommy!”

    Me: “Okay.”

    Caller: “You’re too young to be working! You don’t know anything!”

    Me: “Um…could I have your phone number so I can pull up your account?”

    Caller: “No! That’s private!”

    Me: “Okay, how about your name?”

    Caller: “No! I won’t give you any information! You’re too young! Your brain hasn’t developed yet! Did you know it’s not done until you’re 21 or 22?”

    Me: “Yes, I did know that.”

    Caller: “Yeah! I’m a doctor! I’m a pediatrician!”

    Me: “Okay. Well, I won’t be able to help you without your information.”

    Caller: “I bet you were born with a golden spoon in your mouth!”

    Me: “Um…could I have your address?”

    Caller: “I don’t want you coming to my house!”

    Me: “Well, how about your phone number?”

    Caller: “I’ll give you my social security number instead.”

    Me: “I can’t use that to access your account–”

    Caller: *rattles off address surprisingly fast*

    Me: “I’m sorry, I’m going to need you to be a bit slower for me.”

    Caller: *rattles off address even faster*

    Me: “I’m sorry, I didn’t understand you. Let me try finding it by your name.”

    Caller: “I’ll give you my name, but you can’t call me that.”

    Me: “Okay. Well, I can call you anything you’d like–”

    Caller: “CALL ME B**** FROM H***, BECAUSE THAT’S WHAT I AM!”

    (My supervisor has been listening to the call and decides that enough is enough. He takes my headset and lets the customer know that if she ever calls back, she has to be drug-free.)

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