Chip Off The Old (Cell) Block

| Denver, CO, USA | Uncategorized

(A customer calls in with the phone displaying an error. Per standard cell phone troubleshooting, the first step is to take the battery out and put it back in.)

Caller: “When are you going to get this glitch fixed?”

Me: “It’s not really a glitch, sir. It’s just general routine maintenance, like rebooting a computer.”

Caller: “Don’t give me that s***! How stupid do you think I am! I know computers are not like cell phones! Computers have microchips and stuff in them, and cell phones are way too small to have microchips!”

The Sound Of Silence

| Canada | Uncategorized

Me: “Thank you for calling [company]. How can I help you?”

Customer: “Listen, could you please just transfer me to your business services department, please?”

Me: “I’m pretty sure they’re closed today. They always are on Saturdays.”

Customer: “Transfer me there anyway.”

Me: “Ma’am, nobody will answer the phone.”

Customer: “Transfer me there ANYWAY!”

Fuel For (Lack Of) Thought

| Salt Lake City, UT, USA | Uncategorized

Me: “How can I help you?”

Customer: “My son told me to get broadband I’d have to pay more money, but I told him that there was this thing from the phone company you put on your telephone chord that gave you broadband.”

Me: “You mean a noise canceler, sir? That is only for DSL lines through the phone company, not through us.”

Customer: “Diesel…yeah, that’s what I want! So, can you hook me up with diesel broadband?”

Me: “Sir, I’m sorry we don’t offer D-S-L Lines. You have to call your phone company and have them installed.”

Customer: “Do you have unleaded lines?”

Me: “Sir, it’s DSL. Not diesel as in the fuel.”

Customer: “You’re not a very good company then. You’re saying I can’t get diesel from you, but then telling me I can’t get unleaded either.”

Me: “Sir, if you just call your phone company I am sure they can help you.”

Customer: “Oh, okay then.”

(The customer starts mashing numbers on the keypad without hanging up. I stay on the line.)

Me: “Sir?”

Customer: “I just talked to [my company] and they said you have diesel lines.”

Me: “Sir you never hung up the phone. This is still [my name] from [my company name].”

Customer: “Holy s***! You work for both places?”

Unlimited Minutes, Limited Intelligence

| Manchester, UK | Uncategorized

Me: “Thank you for calling [Phone Company] how can I help?”

Customer: “I’ve just received my bill and it says I only have 500 SMS to use this month. I’m supposed to have unlimited SMS!”

Me: “You have 500 SMS included with your service. However you have an extra service on your account which gives you unlimited SMS.”

Customer: “But when I call for my balance it says I only have 500 SMS. I want unlimited SMS!”

Me: “When you get your balance it will always tell you that you have 500 SMS. It can’t tell you a number when it’s unlimited.”

Customer: “Well, I want it to tell me how many unlimited texts I have left!”

Me: “Think about what you just said, madam.”

Customer: “Oh…”

Related:
Unlimited Food, Limited Intelligence

Wireless Clueless & Hopeless, Part 4

| Queensland, Australia | Uncategorized

Me: “Welcome to [company], how can I help you today?”

Customer: “My internet is broken. This is so ridiculous! This happened two weeks ago. Your company is to blame and I am not happy!”

(The customer supplies their account details.)

Me: “Okay, so I’ve just run a quick test on your connection here and I can see that it is logged in, you say that you just cannot get any connection on your computer?”

Customer: “Yes! I’m getting ‘No Signal’. This is so ridiculous!”

(I go through roughly 20 minutes of troubleshooting, with the customer getting more and more angry the whole time.)

Customer: “It’s broken and it’s all your fault! It keeps saying ‘Check Signal Cable’ and it won’t go away!”

Me: “It says ‘Check Signal Cable’?”

Customer: “Yes! That’s what I said!”

Me: “Ma’am, is your computer plugged into your monitor?”

Customer: “Of course it…oh…” *click*

Related:
Wireless Clueless & Hopeless, Part 3
Wireless Clueless & Hopeless, Part 2
Wireless Clueless & Hopeless

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