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    It’s About The Destination, Not The Journey

    | Ohio, USA |

    Customer: “Yeah, I went to order your cream online and there’s a problem. It asked for my name and address. I want to order anonymously.”

    Me: “Well, we would have to have your name and address to able to ship you anything.”

    Customer: “Why?

    Me: “We need to know where to ship it to.”

    Customer: “Really?!”

    Yukon See It On A Map

    | Toronto, ON, Canada |

    Me: “Thank you for calling ***. How may I direct your call?”

    Customer: “Hi, I want to apply for your program.”

    Me: “Okay. Actually, I noticed on the Caller ID that you‚Äôre calling from New York. Unfortunately, we are a Canadian company and our programs are only available to Canadian citizens. I’m assuming you’re not a Canadian citizen?”

    Customer: “What do you mean?”

    Me: “Well, are you Canadian?”

    Customer: “I have my green card.”

    Me: “No, sir, I’m talking about Canadian citizenship, not your green card.”

    Customer: “I don’t understand what you’re telling me. What do you mean?”

    Me: “Our programs are only available to Canadians, so you must be Canadian to apply.”

    Customer: “What is this?”

    Me: “What is what?”

    Customer: “This Canadian thing. I don’t understand what you’re telling me. I have a green card!”

    Me: “Canadian…as in, Canada the country.”

    Customer: “What is this! I’ve never heard of that!”

    Me: “I don’t even know what to tell you.”

    Customer: “So, can I apply now or what?”

    Bad Reception, Worse Misperceptions

    | Rochester, NY, USA |

    Me: “Thank you for calling, how can I help you today?”

    Customer: *thick accent* “I have problem with cell phone.”

    Me: “Okay, sir, I’m sure I can help you with that. It looks like we’re going to have to re-set your connection. I need you to type in the following series of numbers, followed by the pound key.”

    (I hear a distinct whacking sound in the background.)

    Me: “Sir? What are you doing?”

    Customer: “You say pound phone. I pound on table. Pieces fly off!”

    Best Customer (And Most Expensive Envelopes) Ever

    | Charleston, SC, USA | Awesome Customers, Money, Top

    Me: “Thank you for calling [Wireless Service Provider's] Financial Services Department. May I have your mobile number please?”

    Caller: “I am calling to complain that I have not been receiving payment return envelopes with my statements each month.”

    Me: “No problem, sir. Let me get your mobile number so I can pull up your account and see what’s going on.”

    Caller: *gives account number*

    Me: “Ok, just give me a minute to look through the account and see what’s going on.”

    (Looking through his payment history, I notice he’s been paying $60 a month for a $20 a month plan for nearly two years. As a result, he has over $1,000 in credit on his account.)

    Me: “Okay, sir, thanks for holding. It looks like the reason we haven’t been sending you envelopes is because you haven’t owed us any money for the past two years or so.”

    Caller: “But I’ve been using the service! How do I not owe you any money?”

    Me: “Well, your bill is only about 20 dollars a month and you’ve been consistently overpaying each month.”

    Caller: “Yes, I know! I have money, now and what if one day I don’t? I want to be able to have my cell phone! I NEED envelopes! Can you send me some right away?”

    Me: “Sir, basically you could not pay your cell phone bill for about the next several years and not have to worry about it. Why not let some of that balance wear down? You’ve really been paying way too much!”

    Caller: “But I need more envelopes! I don’t know why you can’t just send me some!”

    Me: “Sir, it’s all done in a warehouse. We don’t actually have stacks of letters laying around our office. Since the company isn’t sending you envelopes, why not just go purchase some from a store?”

    Caller: “No, I can’t do that!”

    Me: “Okay, I’ll take care of this for you…”

    (I end the call, hunt down a few generic non-labeled envelopes from the supply cabinet, and mail them to the customer. I check back on his account a few days later and he had called in to thank us for sending him the envelopes!)

    The Highs and Lows Of Parenting

    | Toronto, ON, Canada |

    Me: “9-1-1, police fire or ambulance?”

    Customer: “Police.”

    Me: “What’s your emergency?”

    Customer: “Is it illegal for a 14 year old to be drinking Jack Daniels?”

    Me: “Yes, it is.”

    Customer: “Oh, okay. And, one more question. Is it illegal for a 14 year old to be smoking marijuana?”

    Me: “Yes, it is, ma’am.”

    Customer: “Oh, okay. My son told me it wasn’t. I’d like you to arrest my son please. He’s been doing this for a couple of years now!”

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