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  • Never Too Late (Or Early) To Apologize
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  • January Theme Of The Month: Prank Calls!
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    Beware The Jabberwacky

    | Phoenix, AZ, USA |

    Me: “Thank you for calling ***. How may I help you?”

    Caller: “I canna ammas farl a mara amas mitt.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, sir. I didn’t quite understand that.”

    Caller: “I camo olives for all a moron all this spit.”

    Me: “I do apologize, but I’m not able to understand you still.”

    Caller: “I….can’t…apollo…ferrari…a moral…on…this…day!!”

    Me: “Sir, I can hear you, but I can not understand what it is that you are trying to tell me.”

    Caller: “You speak Englits?”

    Me: “Yes, sir, I speak English.”

    Caller: “No! I said, you speak it?”

    Me: “Yes, I do speak English, sir.”

    Caller: “No you don’t! Give me somebody who speaks Englits!”

    Me: “Well, I can understand you a bit more clearly now. How can I help you?”

    Caller: “You gotta following a part a nards and fall away with ye?”

    Me: “I’m sorry, sir. I can’t understand you again.”

    Caller: “THEN YOU DON’T SPEAK ENGLITS, YOU FARCHMAN!” *click*

    When Open Source Meets Closed Minds

    , | California, USA |

    Caller: “I need to report a very serious computer crime! The local university is running an illegal computer system!”

    Me: “Could you please repeat that?”

    Caller: “The local university is running an illegal computer system! They’ve hacked it!”

    Me: “How could you tell they’d hacked it?”

    Caller: “Well, when it booted, it didn’t say Windows or Microsoft or anything! It said something about Deviant Linux, I think, and the main screen looked nothing like my good, legal Windows screen at home! I think they hacked that, too!”

    Me: “Do you mean Debian Linux?”

    Caller: “Yes, that! Is it some sort of computer mafia or something?”

    Me: “Uh, no, it’s just a different operating system. Nothing to worry about.”

    Caller: “But it’s illegal! It’s not Microsoft, not even Windows! They’re on a normal Microsoft computer, so they’re breaking the law! I think they stole my identity when I came in the building! I’m calling the FBI!” *hangs up*

    Sue-icidal

    | London, UK |

    Me: “Hello, how can I help you?”

    Customer: “Hello, my brother bought one of your phones and had it shipped to my address. Now it’s here and I don’t want it here. Can you send somebody to take it back?”

    Me: “I’m sorry, I don’t think we offer that kind of service. It’s up to you whether you hold onto it for your brother or post it back to us.”

    Customer: “What?! I don’t want to be dealing with all this hassle!”

    Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but I suggest you take this up with your brother, since he provided the shipping address.”

    Customer: “This is ridiculous! I can’t believe you won’t collect it! What would your company do if I killed myself over this, hmm? Because if I do, I’m going to sue your manager!”

    The Wind In The Windows

    | Orlando, FL, USA | Crazy Requests, Technology, Top

    Me: “Thank you for calling ***. How may I help you today?”

    Caller: “I’m having problems with my computer and–”

    (Suddenly, what sounds like an air raid siren sounds off in the background.)

    Me: “Ma’am, I apologize. I was unable to hear what you said.”

    Caller: “Stupid tornado warnings! They always make it hard to talk on the phone.”

    Me: “Oh…should I let you go?”

    Caller: “Nah. This happens all of the time.”

    (In addition to the siren, I hear a door slam and the sound of someone else entering the room. I hear a male voice who I guess is the caller’s husband.)

    Caller’s husband: “D*** it woman, are you crazy?! Get to the basement!”

    Caller: “Oh, I guess I should go…” *hangs up*

    Your Improv Needs Improvement

    , | Denver, CO, USA |

    (I work at my university calling alumni for donations. The person who picks up has a normal American accent.)

    Caller: “Hello?”

    Me: “Hi, may I please speak with [name]?”

    Caller: “Who is this?”

    Me: “This is *** from [university].”

    (Suddenly, the caller changes his voice to a thick, supposedly foreign accent. It’s obvious it’s the same person.)

    Caller: “He not here now.”

    Me: *playing along* “Oh, okay. Do you know a better time for me to reach him?”

    Caller: *still using accent* “No, no. He not here! If he need to sign form, send them to his work.”

    Me: “Okay. Well, thanks for taking the time to speak with me. Have a great evening!

    Caller: *back to an American accent* “You too!”

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