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    Customer Service II: The Reckoning

    | Vancouver, WA, USA |

    Me: “Thank you for calling *** Communications, how can I help you?”

    Caller: “Yeah, my cable box in my bed room is not working.”

    Me: “Okay, I can talk a look at that for you. How is it not working?”

    Caller: “Look, I just want to watch Eragon in my room…”

    (I finally figure out that the box will not take the signal we are sending.)

    Me: “It looks like we will need to get a tech out there to replace the box.”

    Caller: “Why”?

    (I try to explain that the box is refusing the signal and that we need to switch the box. This goes on for five minutes before I give up and try an alternative answer…)

    Me: “Um… the box has gone rogue and is no longer taking instructions from us. We need to bring it back in for training.”

    Caller: “Oh, that makes sense! Why didn’t you just say that?”

    Me: “…”

    Why Skynet Annihilated Mankind, Vol. 1

    | Birmingham, AL, USA |

    Me: “Good Morning, my name is Leroy. May I have your name please?”

    Customer: “That stupid computer doesn’t understand a word I am saying! I hate computers!”

    Me: “I’m sorry for any problems you had sir. How can I help you today?”

    Customer: “Are you a computer? You sound like a d*** computer!”

    Me: *sarcastically* “Well I’m part computer sir, my mother was a computer.”

    Customer: “You’re part computer?”

    Me: “Yes sir, I am a cyborg.”

    Customer: “F***ing cyborgs!” *click*

    Like A Dog Chasing Its Own Tail

    | Mississauga, Ontario, Canada |

    Me: Thank you for calling ***, X speaking how may I…

    Client: *thick accent* “Yes, hello? Are you there?”

    Me: “Yes?”

    Caller: “I just tried purchase insurance.”

    Me: “Ok?”

    Caller: “It said error.”

    Me: “Ok, what else does it say?”

    Caller: “Just error.”

    Me: “Well, that can be anything. Normally it says more specific details. Is there anything else it says?”

    Caller: “I think it has something to do with the beneficiary part.”

    Me: “You mean for the life insurance portion?”

    Caller: “Yes. I put myself as the beneficiary for my policy, isn’t that what I’m supposed to put?”

    Me: “So, you put yourself as the person who receives the money if you die?”

    Caller: “Yes. Isn’t that right?”

    Me: *facepalm*

    Why Hello, Pheven

    | Australia |

    Me: “I’m here to help, sir. Now, can I start with your name?”

    Caller: “Yeah. It’s Steven.”

    Me: “Is that ‘Steven’ with a V, or ‘Stephen’ with a PH?”

    Caller: “No, it’s Steven with an S, idiot!”

    That’s Just Golden

    | Tulsa, OK, USA |

    (Note: we deal with the airline employees.)

    Me: “Customer service, this is ***. May I have your file number?”

    (The airline employee gives his file number, and I verify his information is correct.)

    Me: “How can I help you?”

    Airline employee: “Promise you won’t laugh.”

    Me: “I’ll try, sir.”

    Airline employee: “I’m calling to report that a customer relieved himself in one of the Electronic Check-in Units. I need to ask for a tech to come out and make sure there’s no damage to the computer.”

    Me: “Oh my gosh, of course. Where in the airport is the machine?”

    Airline employee: “It’s near Gate 27. We call it Irregular Operations because that’s where–no pun intended–the customers have to go to get their tickets when they’re pissed off.”

    Me: “Well, sir, I’m writing this up as being water damage that the tech will need to check out. Is there anything else I can do to help you?”

    Airline employee: “You got any Febreeze?”


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