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  • Vitamin R U O K

    | Los Angeles, CA, USA | Uncategorized

    Me: “Good afternoon, thank you for calling [vitamin company]. This is [MyName]. How may I direct your call?” *long pause* “Hello?” *another long pause* “Hello?”

    Caller: “Hi, I got your number from a natural cure. ”

    Me: “How may I direct your call, sir?”

    Caller: “I was reading a book.”

    Me: “Okay.”

    Caller: “It had your number. Are you a vitamin store? With…vitamins and things?”

    Me: “We are a vitamin manufacturer, sir. Do you have a question about a product?”

    Caller: “I got your number from a natural cure book. Have you read it?”

    Me: “What book, sir?”

    Caller: “A natural cures book.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, I have not. Did you have a question about a product that we manufacture?”

    Caller: “Yeah, I got your number out of a natural cures book.”

    Me: “Yes, there are a number of books that mention our products.”

    Caller: *pauses* “…It was a BOOK.”

    Me: “Yes, sir, I’m just trying to determine who can best assist you.”

    Caller: *pauses again* “BOOOOOOOOOOOOK…”

    Me: “Let me connect you with customer service, sir…”

    Chip Off The Old (Cell) Block

    | Denver, CO, USA | Uncategorized

    (A customer calls in with the phone displaying an error. Per standard cell phone troubleshooting, the first step is to take the battery out and put it back in.)

    Caller: “When are you going to get this glitch fixed?”

    Me: “It’s not really a glitch, sir. It’s just general routine maintenance, like rebooting a computer.”

    Caller: “Don’t give me that s***! How stupid do you think I am! I know computers are not like cell phones! Computers have microchips and stuff in them, and cell phones are way too small to have microchips!”

    The Sound Of Silence

    | Canada | Uncategorized

    Me: “Thank you for calling [company]. How can I help you?”

    Customer: “Listen, could you please just transfer me to your business services department, please?”

    Me: “I’m pretty sure they’re closed today. They always are on Saturdays.”

    Customer: “Transfer me there anyway.”

    Me: “Ma’am, nobody will answer the phone.”

    Customer: “Transfer me there ANYWAY!”

    Fuel For (Lack Of) Thought

    | Salt Lake City, UT, USA | Uncategorized

    Me: “How can I help you?”

    Customer: “My son told me to get broadband I’d have to pay more money, but I told him that there was this thing from the phone company you put on your telephone chord that gave you broadband.”

    Me: “You mean a noise canceler, sir? That is only for DSL lines through the phone company, not through us.”

    Customer: “Diesel…yeah, that’s what I want! So, can you hook me up with diesel broadband?”

    Me: “Sir, I’m sorry we don’t offer D-S-L Lines. You have to call your phone company and have them installed.”

    Customer: “Do you have unleaded lines?”

    Me: “Sir, it’s DSL. Not diesel as in the fuel.”

    Customer: “You’re not a very good company then. You’re saying I can’t get diesel from you, but then telling me I can’t get unleaded either.”

    Me: “Sir, if you just call your phone company I am sure they can help you.”

    Customer: “Oh, okay then.”

    (The customer starts mashing numbers on the keypad without hanging up. I stay on the line.)

    Me: “Sir?”

    Customer: “I just talked to [my company] and they said you have diesel lines.”

    Me: “Sir you never hung up the phone. This is still [my name] from [my company name].”

    Customer: “Holy s***! You work for both places?”

    Unlimited Minutes, Limited Intelligence

    | Manchester, UK | Uncategorized

    Me: “Thank you for calling [Phone Company] how can I help?”

    Customer: “I’ve just received my bill and it says I only have 500 SMS to use this month. I’m supposed to have unlimited SMS!”

    Me: “You have 500 SMS included with your service. However you have an extra service on your account which gives you unlimited SMS.”

    Customer: “But when I call for my balance it says I only have 500 SMS. I want unlimited SMS!”

    Me: “When you get your balance it will always tell you that you have 500 SMS. It can’t tell you a number when it’s unlimited.”

    Customer: “Well, I want it to tell me how many unlimited texts I have left!”

    Me: “Think about what you just said, madam.”

    Customer: “Oh…”

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    Unlimited Food, Limited Intelligence

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