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    Swimming With The Phishes

    | Boston, MA, USA | Uncategorized

    Caller: “I never give my card to anyone! You must have randomly charged it! I demand a refund!”

    Me: “Well, I’d be happy to assist your bank in their review of these charges.”

    Caller: “No you won’t! You stole my card! How did you guys get it anyways?”

    (I explain here that the card was likely compromised through either a card scanner or through a phishing email. After I explain what a phishing email is, here’s what he says…)

    Caller: “Wait…so could it have been that Australian Lottery that I won?”

    Me: “I would say almost certainly sir.”

    Caller: “So I’m not going to get that prize?”

    Belaboring A Point Until It Gives Birth, Grows Up, And Has Babies Of Its Own

    | Newfoundland, Canada | Uncategorized

    (I work for a phone provider. If someone wants to change their number its $20, unless they are being harassed, which most of them say they are anyway to avoid paying.)

    Me: “Hello. Thank you for calling ***. My name is ***. How can I help you today?”

    Caller: “Hi, yes. I want to change my phone number.”

    Me: “Sure thing, I can definitely help you with that. Why are you changing it? Harassment or just want something new?”

    Caller: “Oh, I just want a new number.”

    Me: “Sure thing. Before I continue, I should inform you It’s a $20 charge.”

    Caller: “WHAT!? But I’m being harassed! Calls at all times of the night! Swearing at me! And you want to charge me? That’s outrageous!”

    Me: “Sorry to hear that, sir. In cases of harassment, we do have the option to waive that charge.”

    Caller: “I can’t believe you are going to charge me!”

    Me: “No, sir, I’d be more than happy to remove the charge.”

    Caller: “This is ridiculous!” *speaks to someone in background* “Hey! They are going to charge us $20 to change our number!”

    Other person: “What!? That’s insane!”

    Me: “Sir, I can waive the charge. You won’t have to pay it.”

    Caller: “You are sick doing this to me. You know what? I’m going to another company. Then they will install me and give me a new number for free!”

    Me: “Sir, I can waive the fee. It will be removed. You will not have to pay it. It will be $0.”

    Caller: “Oh! So NOW that I’m going to another company you’ll waive it. You people are despicable! Good day!” *hangs up*

    A Beeping Idiot

    | London, ON, Canada | Uncategorized

    Me: “Thank you for calling [cellphone company], how may I help you?”

    Caller: “Okay, now listen: this cellphone won’t make outgoing calls. What the h*** is wrong with it?”

    Me: “I’ll check to see if there are any blocks on it or anything wrong with the account.” *beep*

    Caller: “Did you hear that beep? It keeps doing that too!”

    Me: “Wait, are you calling me from that cellphone?”

    Caller: “Yes, why?”

    Error 404: Brain Not Found

    | Brisbane, CA, USA | Uncategorized

    Me: “Hello, how may I help today?”

    Caller: “Yeah, your [software] isn’t working. It’s a virus.”

    Me: “Okay, sir. What do you mean, it’s a virus?”

    Caller: “Every time I put the disc in, I get a message from the computer.”

    Me: “What kind of message?”

    Caller: “I don’t read it. It’s a warning message so I click ‘no’.”

    Me: “Okay, can you insert the disc and tell me the message?”

    Caller: “Sure.”

    Me: “What does it say sir?”

    Caller: “Would you like to install…” *reads name of software* “… on your…” *click*

    Inn-Experienced Dialer

    | Norway | Uncategorized

    Me: “Welcome to [wireless carrier], how may we help you today?”

    Caller: “I want to book a room at the hotel.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, sir. You’ve called [wireless carrier], so we can’t help you with that.”

    Caller: “What? Why not? I called the number on the promo letter I received!”

    Me: “You’ve called a cell phone company, not a hotel.”

    Caller: “Why wont you help me? I just want to book the room, and it says call this number!”

    Me: “Sir, we are not a hotel, we have cell phones. I’m sure the hotel can assist you with booking a room if you call the correct number.”

    Caller: “Why can’t you help me? Is it because you are completely booked?”

    Me: “Yes, that’s why.”

    Caller: “Ok, I’ll call somebody else then.” *click*

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