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    Where’s A Real Live Robot When You Need One

    | Fort Collins, CO, USA |

    Me: “Thanks for calling [credit card company], my name is ***. Can I get your first and last name, please?”

    Caller: “I wanted to talk to the computer.”

    Me: “Well, ma’am, the reason you got me is because [credit card company] is wanting to take care of you personally and let you know about–”

    Caller: “I want to talk to the computer, not a person! I don’t like talking to people.”

    Me: “Well, ma’am, I’ve already got your account info up on the screen. I can give you the same info the computer lady can.”

    Caller: “No! I want to talk to the computer! I don’t want to talk to a d*** agent! I wanted to get my balance from the computer!”

    Me: “Ma’am, since I’ve got it up already, would you like me to just give you the info so you don’t have to call back? You’d still get an agent if you did.”

    Caller: “NO! I WANT TO TALK TO THE COMPUTER!” *click*

    Time Zoned Out

    | Vancouver, BC, Canada |

    (A customer calls in from Los Angeles.)

    Caller: “How late are you open there?”

    Me: “5 pm.”

    Caller: “Yeah, but like, what time zone?”

    Me: “5 pm, Pacific Standard Time.”

    Caller: “What time would that be here?”

    Me: “Sir, we are directly north of you so we are on the same clock as you–Pacific Standard Time.”

    Caller: “Well, I don’t know your Canadian time zones! What’s that in American?”

    Me: “Sir, what time is it there?”

    Caller: “3:00 pm”

    Me: “It is 3:00 pm here as well, we are on the same time. We close in two hours at 5 pm your time.”

    Caller: “Wait a minute! It’s the same time there? Don’t you have your own time?”

    They Don’t Know Jack

    | Seattle, WA, USA |

    Customer: “This negative customer feedback [for my company about my services] uses someone’s name, so it should be removed.”

    Me: *reading the comment* “Ma’am, the customer said, ‘Paying extra for shipping didn’t do jack.’ ‘Jack’ refers to a phrase, not a name.”

    Customer: “Well, I’ve never heard that before. You say it’s a phrase, but to me it’s a name, and that’s personal information, and it should be removed.”

    Me: “Well, is there someone in your organization named ‘Jack?'”

    Customer: “No, there isn’t. I don’t know where she got that name from, but she’s up to something and you’re letting her get away with it!”

    Thank God It’s Fraud-day

    | Orem, UT |

    (This call took place last year at our website hosting company. Note that we close our call center every year on Christmas.)

    Caller: “I’m so mad at you guys! I talked to your verification department over the phone on the 25th of this month and my account still isn’t verified for use!”

    Me: “Really? You talked with us on Christmas? How did you do that?”

    Caller: “Um…I mean…I talked to them on the 35th!”

    It’s No Net Loss

    | Glasgow, UK |

    Customer: “I’ve just received a leaflet for broadband from you. What’s broadband?”

    Me: “It’s a faster type of internet.”

    Customer: “What’s internet?”

    Me: “It’s a method of accessing information through a computer.”

    Customer: “What’s a computer?”

    Me: “I don’t think this offer is for you, sir.”

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