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    The Mother Of All Excuses

    | Boise, ID, USA |

    Caller: *crying* “I need an emergency credit on my account! My mom’s been in a car wreck and I can’t call the hospital because I don’t have any time on my phone.”

    Me: “I’m so sorry to hear that your mom’s been in an accident. Let me look at your account to see if we can put a one time courtesy credit on there.”

    (I see that there have been $30 in credits given over the last month. I also notice her mother has been missing, dying, dead, beat up by a drunk boyfriend, stabbed, shot, and taken to the hospital because of a drug overdose. And now, she has been injured in a car wreck.)

    Me: “I’m sorry, but I can’t put the credit on your account. You’ve received several courtesy credits in the past, and as per corporate policy we’re not allowed to give you any more.”

    Caller: “But my mom’s in the hospital! She might die!”

    Me: “I know how this kind of situation can be really rough on someone. Maybe a friend of yours will let you use their phone?”

    Caller:“So you’re not going to put any money on my account?”

    Me: “I’m sorry, but your account is not eligible for any further credits.”

    Caller: “F*** you, b****!” *hangs up*

    Elmer Fudd Calling On Line One

    | Indianapolis, IN, USA |

    Me: “Thank you for calling [cellphone store], what can I do for you today?”

    Customer: “I’m having a problem with my phone. Can I bring it to your store?

    Me: “If you want to bring it to us, we’ll do our best to troubleshoot the phone. But if it’s physically broken it’s unlikely we’ll be able to fix it. If that’s the case we’ll be happy to look into options to replace the phone.”

    Customer: “What would you consider to be physically broken?”

    Me: “Just something like a broken screen or cracks in the casing, or any kind of moisture damage.”

    Customer: “Moisture damage?”

    Me: “Right. We can’t really do much about moisture damage to a phone.”

    Customer: “Would that include rabbit blood?”

    Me: “… yes.”

    Let Me Transfer You To Our Fraud Department

    | Oklahoma, USA |

    Customer: “I need you to send me a return label for this lamp. I just opened it and I don’t like it.”

    Me: “Unfortunately, we do not pay for return shipping, ma’am, but you are more than welcome to send it back to us.”

    Customer: “Well, that is just unethical. I know you’ve sent me a return label before.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, but it is our company policy that we do not pay for return shipping unless an item is damaged or defective.”

    Customer: “Well, it can be!”

    Related:
    Guilty, Yet Guiltless
    He Fought The Law, And The Law Won

    Not Subscribing To His Own Line Of Thought

    | San Francisco, CA, USA |

    Customer: “Why do I see another charge on my card from you?”

    Me: “Well, according to your account, you were automatically renewed about month ago.”

    Customer: “That’s an outrage! Can I have a refund?”

    Me: “Well, we do let you know that we renew on our upgrade page, and we sent you a renewal notice two weeks before you were charged. Since you’ve used our services since, I can’t give you a refund.”

    Customer: “Well, I’m not happy. This is such a scam – how dare you. What are you going to do to make me happy?”

    Me: “I can give you a pro-rated refund.”

    Customer: “Fine. But make a note that I don’t like it. These automatic renewals are such a scam!”

    Me: “I can assure you it’s not a scam, though. Most internet companies use renewals, too.”

    Customer: “I know how it works! I’m in marketing. I set these up in my company!”

    Can’t See The Forest For Los Arboles

    | Arizona, USA | Top

    Me: “Gracias por llamar a [company name], en que le puedo asistir hoy?”

    Caller: “Excuse me?”

    Me: “I am sorry, ma’am, your call came in through the Spanish line. How may I help you today?”

    Caller: “I want to talk to somebody in English.”

    Me: “I speak English ma’am, You must have pressed the Spanish option through the automated system, but I will be more than happy to help you.”

    Caller: “What was that you were speaking before?”

    Me: “Spanish.”

    Caller: “I want to talk to somebody in English.”

    Me: “Ma’am, I speak English as well. How may I help you today?”

    Caller: *slowly* “I want to talk to somebody in the United
    States who speaks English!”

    Me: “Thank you for calling [company name], how may I help you today?”

    Caller: *hangs up*

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