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    Fuel For (Lack Of) Thought

    | Salt Lake City, UT, USA |

    Me: “How can I help you?”

    Customer: “My son told me to get broadband I’d have to pay more money, but I told him that there was this thing from the phone company you put on your telephone chord that gave you broadband.”

    Me: “You mean a noise canceler, sir? That is only for DSL lines through the phone company, not through us.”

    Customer: “Diesel…yeah, that’s what I want! So, can you hook me up with diesel broadband?”

    Me: “Sir, I’m sorry we don’t offer D-S-L Lines. You have to call your phone company and have them installed.”

    Customer: “Do you have unleaded lines?”

    Me: “Sir, it’s DSL. Not diesel as in the fuel.”

    Customer: “You’re not a very good company then. You’re saying I can’t get diesel from you, but then telling me I can’t get unleaded either.”

    Me: “Sir, if you just call your phone company I am sure they can help you.”

    Customer: “Oh, okay then.”

    (The customer starts mashing numbers on the keypad without hanging up. I stay on the line.)

    Me: “Sir?”

    Customer: “I just talked to [my company] and they said you have diesel lines.”

    Me: “Sir you never hung up the phone. This is still [my name] from [my company name].”

    Customer: “Holy s***! You work for both places?”

    Unlimited Minutes, Limited Intelligence

    | Manchester, UK |

    Me: “Thank you for calling [Phone Company] how can I help?”

    Customer: “I’ve just received my bill and it says I only have 500 SMS to use this month. I’m supposed to have unlimited SMS!”

    Me: “You have 500 SMS included with your service. However you have an extra service on your account which gives you unlimited SMS.”

    Customer: “But when I call for my balance it says I only have 500 SMS. I want unlimited SMS!”

    Me: “When you get your balance it will always tell you that you have 500 SMS. It can’t tell you a number when it’s unlimited.”

    Customer: “Well, I want it to tell me how many unlimited texts I have left!”

    Me: “Think about what you just said, madam.”

    Customer: “Oh…”

    Related:
    Unlimited Food, Limited Intelligence

    Wireless Clueless & Hopeless, Part 4

    | Queensland, Australia |

    Me: “Welcome to [company], how can I help you today?”

    Customer: “My internet is broken. This is so ridiculous! This happened two weeks ago. Your company is to blame and I am not happy!”

    (The customer supplies their account details.)

    Me: “Okay, so I’ve just run a quick test on your connection here and I can see that it is logged in, you say that you just cannot get any connection on your computer?”

    Customer: “Yes! I’m getting ‘No Signal’. This is so ridiculous!”

    (I go through roughly 20 minutes of troubleshooting, with the customer getting more and more angry the whole time.)

    Customer: “It’s broken and it’s all your fault! It keeps saying ‘Check Signal Cable’ and it won’t go away!”

    Me: “It says ‘Check Signal Cable’?”

    Customer: “Yes! That’s what I said!”

    Me: “Ma’am, is your computer plugged into your monitor?”

    Customer: “Of course it…oh…” *click*

    Related:
    Wireless Clueless & Hopeless, Part 3
    Wireless Clueless & Hopeless, Part 2
    Wireless Clueless & Hopeless

    Not A Chance In (Convention) Hall

    | Sydney, Australia |

    Customer: “So the next convention in Sydney is THIS Thursday?”

    Me: “Yes, sir. Would you like me to register you?”

    Customer: “Ah, well, Thursday isn’t really going to work for me. Could you move the convention to Friday instead?”

    Me: “I’m afraid that we have already booked the venue and the speakers and planned everything for Thursday. It’s a little late to consider changing the date, especially since we have around 70 people booked for this particular seminar.”

    Customer: “So…no chance at all then?”

    Obviously Dog People

    | New Jersey, USA |

    (I’m partway through a phone conversation with a client.)

    Me: “Okay, and how many people live in your house?”

    Client: “Me, my wife, and our two dogs.

    Me: *laughs* “Alright then, sir, so it’s two people, yes?”

    Client: “…and my two dogs.”

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