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    Driving Dad To The Edge

    | Logan, UT, USA |

    Customer: *on the phone* “I need you to turn my TV back on.”

    Me: “OK, let me see why it isn’t on.” *checking* “It looks like you are two months behind in your payments to us. I need to collect a payment for two months’ service, as well as $10 in late fees. Which card would you like to put that on?”

    Customer: “I don’t have the money right now, but I need you to turn on the TV right away! I need the TV for my kids! I’ve been playing with them and reading stories with them, and this has just got to stop! Turn the TV back on right now!”

    As The Price Decreases, So Does Brain Cell Count

    | Minneapolis, MN, USA |

    Customer: “I have a coupon here that says 25% off. What does that mean?”

    Me: “It means you get 25% off.”

    Customer: “Huh?”

    Me: “You will get 25% off your total price.”

    Customer: “I don’t understand. Why does it say that?”

    Me: “It’s a discount. They’ll give you a cheaper price.”

    Customer: “Huh? This coupon doesn’t make sense.”

    Me: “When you give your coupon to the attendant, they’ll take 25% off your ticket price.”

    Customer: “I don’t have a coupon.”

    Me: “…”

    By Doing Nothing, The Problem Solves Itself

    | Minneapolis, MN, USA |

    Customer: *on the phone* “I’m turning you in for mail fraud! I don’t want any more of your stuff!”

    Me: *checking* “OK, you were already taken off the list a few weeks ago.”

    Customer: “Well, I don’t want your magazine!”

    Me: “I’ll need to transfer you to the magazine department so they can cancel that for you.”

    Customer: “I don’t get the magazine!”

    Me: “So you’re only getting DVDs, then?

    Customer: “I haven’t gotten any DVDs!”

    Me: “So…what are you getting from us?”

    Customer: “Nothing!”

    Me: “OK…then I guess you’re all set…”

    Customer: “OK!” *hangs up*

    Unhappily Ever After

    | Maryland, USA |

    Caller: “I want to check the status of my form to withdrawal my account.”

    Me: “I’m sorry Sir, but you gave conflicting information on the form. In the section where it asked if you were married, you marked both ‘Yes’ and ‘No’.’

    Caller: “…and?”

    Me: “Well, sir, that is conflicting information, so it was kicked out of the system.”

    Caller: “So, what should I mark?”

    Me: “Well, are you married or not?”

    Caller: “I’m married… but I don’t like her.”

    Me: “It sounds like you’re separated, but just to check, are you legally married?”

    Caller: “Yes, but I don’t feel like I’m married.”

    Me: “If you aren’t legally divorced, you’ll need to mark that you are married.”

    Caller: “But I don’t LIKE her!”

    Also seen on: Not Always Romantic

    Pepperoni Pizza With A Side Of Pointless Paranoia

    , | Montreal, QC, Canada | Top

    Me: “9-1-1, police, fire, or ambulance?”

    Caller: “Help, please God, help!”

    Me: “Sir, what’s the emergency?”

    Caller: “Someone’s trying to break into my house! Please, send the cops!”

    Me: “Calm down… the police are well on the way as we are talking.”

    Caller: “I don’t want to die! Oh my God, why me?”

    Me: “Sir, take a deep breath. Do you know this person?”

    Caller: “Yeah, I ordered some pizza, I paid, and he gave it to me. I can see through the window it’s him… he’s pounding on my door trying to get in! Where are the cops?!”

    Me: “Sir, I’ll stay on the phone with you if it makes you feel safer. Can you yell what he wants?”

    Caller: “Okay…” *yells toward the door* “What do you want, man?!”

    Pizza guy: *faintly, behind the door* “You forgot your change!”


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