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  • Talking At-At Cross Purposes
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    Little Know It All Has No Reason To Be Still Waiting

    | Lowell, MA, USA |

    Me: “Hello, how can I help you today?”

    Caller: “Yes, I’d like to make a complaint.”

    Me: “What’s the problem, ma’am?”

    Caller: “Last night, I came here to see Sum 41 and The Offspring. Sum 41 called some people up onto the stage, but they didn’t know the words!”

    Me: “Wait, you’d like to complain about a random fan a singer picked to come up on stage?!”

    Caller: “Yes! These girls just danced around like fools! I’ve been a fan for years and I know all the words, so why wasn’t I picked to go on stage?”

    And On The Eighth Day, He Created Fax

    | Dallas, TX, USA |

    Me: “Hi, thank you for calling [mortgage company]. How may I assist you?”

    Customer: “Yes, I’d like an application for your assistance program.”

    Me: “Certainly! We’ve actually put the application online for your convenience, so you can complete it and submit it right there on our website.”

    Customer: “Oh, I don’t use computers. Technology usage is against my religious beliefs. Can you just fax me the application?”

    Me: “Erm…absolutely!”

    A Real Life Game Of Telephone

    | Lethbridge, AB, Canada | Top

    Me: “Hi, I’m calling on behalf of [power company]. I’m conducting a survey about your electrical service.”

    Guy: “You’re disconnecting a what?”

    Me: “I’m conducting a survey.”

    Guy: “What kind of survey?”

    Me: “It’s about your electrical service.”

    Guy: “Are you shutting off my electricity?”

    Me: “No, everything’s fine. I’m just conducting a survey to find out if you’re satisfied with your service.”

    Guy: “You’re disconnecting a what?”

    Me: “Conducting a survey–”

    Guy, to his wife: “You didn’t pay the bill and now they’re cutting off our lights!”

    Wife: “I paid the d*** bill!”

    Guy: “My wife says she paid the bill! Why are you cutting off my service if the bill’s been paid?”

    Me: “Your service isn’t being cut off. I’m conducting a survey.”

    Guy: “Disconnecting a what?”

    Me: *very slowly* “Conducting a survey…”

    Guy, to his wife: “They’re disconnecting our survey! You paid the bill late!”

    Wife: “No, I didn’t! Get off my case!”

    Me: “Nothing’s being disconnected!”

    Guy: “Then why are you calling?”

    Me: “To make sure you’re satisfied with the service you’re receiving.”

    Guy: “I was satisfied until you told me you’re cutting off my service.”

    Me: “Your service isn’t being cut off. Everything’s fine!”

    Guy: “Oh, okay. Well I gotta go apologize to my wife now!” *click*

    When You Know You Need Better Glasses Or Better Handwriting

    | Augusta, GA, USA |

    (In taking a call, I ask a customer to read me some numbers from her hardware in order to access her account.)

    Customer: “3-7-V…”

    Me: *repeating* “3-7-V.”

    Customer: “3-7-V!”

    Me: *thinking I’ve misheard, correcting* “3-7-B?”

    Customer: “3-7-V!”

    Me: “…3-7-V? ‘V’ like ‘Victor’?”

    Customer: “3-7-V! V! ‘V’ like ‘umbrella’!”

    That’s Not The Only Thing She Was Scared Out Of

    | Beaverton, OR, USA | Top

    Me: “Thank you for calling *hiccup!* how may I *hiccup!* help you?”

    Customer: *laughing* “Got a problem over there?”

    Me: “Sorry sir, *hiccup!*, I have the hiccups.”

    Customer: “Oh, OK, well…DO YOU WANT ME TO GO OVER THERE AND KILL YOU RIGHT NOW?!”

    Me: “Um…uh…I mean…”

    Customer: “Ha ha ha, I’m just kidding with you. I bet you don’t have the hiccups any more now, huh?”

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