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  • A Beeping Idiot

    | London, ON, Canada | Uncategorized

    Me: “Thank you for calling [cellphone company], how may I help you?”

    Caller: “Okay, now listen: this cellphone won’t make outgoing calls. What the h*** is wrong with it?”

    Me: “I’ll check to see if there are any blocks on it or anything wrong with the account.” *beep*

    Caller: “Did you hear that beep? It keeps doing that too!”

    Me: “Wait, are you calling me from that cellphone?”

    Caller: “Yes, why?”

    Error 404: Brain Not Found

    | Brisbane, CA, USA | Uncategorized

    Me: “Hello, how may I help today?”

    Caller: “Yeah, your [software] isn’t working. It’s a virus.”

    Me: “Okay, sir. What do you mean, it’s a virus?”

    Caller: “Every time I put the disc in, I get a message from the computer.”

    Me: “What kind of message?”

    Caller: “I don’t read it. It’s a warning message so I click ‘no’.”

    Me: “Okay, can you insert the disc and tell me the message?”

    Caller: “Sure.”

    Me: “What does it say sir?”

    Caller: “Would you like to install…” *reads name of software* “… on your…” *click*

    Inn-Experienced Dialer

    | Norway | Uncategorized

    Me: “Welcome to [wireless carrier], how may we help you today?”

    Caller: “I want to book a room at the hotel.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, sir. You’ve called [wireless carrier], so we can’t help you with that.”

    Caller: “What? Why not? I called the number on the promo letter I received!”

    Me: “You’ve called a cell phone company, not a hotel.”

    Caller: “Why wont you help me? I just want to book the room, and it says call this number!”

    Me: “Sir, we are not a hotel, we have cell phones. I’m sure the hotel can assist you with booking a room if you call the correct number.”

    Caller: “Why can’t you help me? Is it because you are completely booked?”

    Me: “Yes, that’s why.”

    Caller: “Ok, I’ll call somebody else then.” *click*

    The Lights Are Off, But Sadly Someone’s Home, Part 2

    | Oshawa, ON, Canada | Uncategorized

    Caller: “I’m trying to help my mother with a computer problem. Her internet keeps cutting out and just stops working without warning.”

    Me: “That’s unusual. Does the computer offer any error messages?”

    Caller: “No, that’s what’s really weird. The computer also just dies randomly.”

    Me: “The computer dies and the internet stops. Does anything else happen?”

    Caller: “She says the lights go out in this room.”

    Me: “Just that room?”

    Caller: “Yes.”

    Me: “Does she normally turn off the lights by using a wall switch?”

    Caller: “Yes, how did you know?”

    Me: “Is her computer plugged into something like a power bar, that is plugged into the same outlet as the light?”

    Caller: “Yes…oh. I’m an idiot, aren’t I?”

    Related:
    The Lights Are Off, But Sadly Someone’s Home

    Vitamin R U O K

    | Los Angeles, CA, USA | Uncategorized

    Me: “Good afternoon, thank you for calling [vitamin company]. This is [MyName]. How may I direct your call?” *long pause* “Hello?” *another long pause* “Hello?”

    Caller: “Hi, I got your number from a natural cure. ”

    Me: “How may I direct your call, sir?”

    Caller: “I was reading a book.”

    Me: “Okay.”

    Caller: “It had your number. Are you a vitamin store? With…vitamins and things?”

    Me: “We are a vitamin manufacturer, sir. Do you have a question about a product?”

    Caller: “I got your number from a natural cure book. Have you read it?”

    Me: “What book, sir?”

    Caller: “A natural cures book.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, I have not. Did you have a question about a product that we manufacture?”

    Caller: “Yeah, I got your number out of a natural cures book.”

    Me: “Yes, there are a number of books that mention our products.”

    Caller: *pauses* “…It was a BOOK.”

    Me: “Yes, sir, I’m just trying to determine who can best assist you.”

    Caller: *pauses again* “BOOOOOOOOOOOOK…”

    Me: “Let me connect you with customer service, sir…”

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