Caller: “Yes, I would like you to send me a new modem. This one you sent me is possessed.”

Me: “…Possessed, ma’am? What makes you say that?”

Caller: “I turn the lights out, and the beast stares at me with the eyes of Lucifer!”

(The modem she is using has two lights on the front. When the modem is powered on but not connected to anything, the lights blink red.)

Me: “Does the modem ever seem to calm down at all, ma’am? Or is it always angry?”

Caller: “It only gets angry when I unplug it at night, but I have to unplug it so it doesn’t bring other demons! I can’t leave it connected when I’m not watching it!”

(I spent a good 15 minutes with this lady, who was always very kind, explaining that the lights were only status indicators. She insisted the modem was possessed, and I eventually sent her a new modem with blue lights instead.)

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Me: “…Okay, well, if you need anything else, you can call us back. Would you like the number?”

Caller: “Yes.”

Me: “Okay. Are you ready?”

Caller: “Yes.”

Me: “Wonderful. It’s 1—”

Caller: “What’s the number?”

Me: “It’s 1-8—”

Caller: “What’s the number?”

Me: “It’s 1—”

Caller: “1, yes, you said that! Hello?! What is the rest?! What is with this service?!”

Me: “Thank you for calling [company name] DSL tech support. How can I help you?”

Customer: “My modem bit me.”

Me: “It… bit you?”

Customer: “Yeah, I went to turn it off and it bit me. And now it’s staring at me every time I try to get back in the room.”

(The modem has two red lights on the front that are lit solid when everything is working properly. The customer also sounds like they’re not exactly sober, so I decide that giving them a logical response won’t be much help to them.)

Me: “Alright, what you should do is turn the light on in the room, close the door and go to bed. The modem will stay up all night trying to get to you, but be stuck in the room. By morning it’ll be too exhausted to fight back and you can duct tape it to the desk to keep it in line from now on.”

Customer: “Thank you!” *hangs up*

(The next day, he actually called back to compliment me for solving his problem!)

(A client is calling to complain about a debt on his insurance policy.)

Customer: “…I know it’s not your fault. You’ve been understanding, but I have to say: the girl I spoke to this morning was awful! She said you were going to take money out of my bank account without my permission.”

(I begin scanning through all the notes since the inception of the policy.)

Me: “I’m not sure why anyone would advise you that, sir, because we don’t even have any facility to do that.”

Customer: “I didn’t know that, did I? She was rude, and abrasive, and she threatened me. I want her fired—”

(At this point, I come across the only note from today.)

Me: “I’m sorry, I’m going to have to interrupt you there. It was actually ME you spoke to this morning, and I said nothing at all about taking money from your account. I’ve got a written record of our conversation here, but if you’re insisting on taking the matter further, I can find a recording of the call to prove it to you, too.”

Customer: “Oh.” *hangs up*

Caller: “Somebody is hacking into my modem.”

Me: “Hacking into your modem?”

Caller: “Yes, they’re hacking into my modem.”

Me: “Why do you think somebody is hacking into your modem?”

Caller: “Because every time they do it, the link light blinks. LOOK! They’re doing it now. Can you see?”

Me: “No, ma’am. I can’t see what your modem is doing, but I assure you no one can hack into your modem. The link light flashes to let you know information is being transmitted from your modem to your router or computer. Now, it is possible for someone to hack into your computer. If you’d like to protect your computer, you can download the free antivirus provided with your internet service.”

Caller: “No, no, no. I can’t do that. I’ve tried it before.”

Me: “Why can’t you?”

Caller: “Because every time I try to download antivirus, somebody tries to hack into my computer. So, I have to hurry and unplug it before they can!”

(This indeed turns out to be true, as I find the following note on her account from a previous call: “Cx states when she tries to download antivirus, a box comes up on her screen saying ‘Downloading Norton’. Cx unplugs her computer quickly because someone is trying to download something on her computer so they can hack into it faster. Not sure what to do!”)

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Wireless, Clueless & Hopeless, Part 9
Wireless, Clueless & Hopeless, Part 8
Wireless, Clueless & Hopeless, Part 7
Wireless, Clueless & Hopeless, Part 6
Wireless, Clueless & Hopeless, Part 5
Wireless, Clueless & Hopeless, Part 4
Wireless, Clueless & Hopeless, Part 3
Wireless, Clueless & Hopeless, Part 2
Wireless, Clueless & Hopeless