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  • October Theme Of The Month: Halloween!

    The Customers Are The Biggest Pest

    | USA | Crazy Requests, Pets & Animals

    (I recently started training for a pest control company setting up free inspections for ants, spiders, rodents, etc. This older gentleman is one of my very first calls.)

    Caller: “I think there’s something in my crawl space and I need to know what it is!”

    Me: “Okay, I would be happy to get a free technician out to identify what’s down there and give you a solution.”

    Caller: “You can’t just tell me what it is?”

    Me: “No, sir… We would need to get eyes on it to know what it is.”

    Caller: *urgently* “Oh, no, that won’t do at all. I NEED to know what it is!”

    Me: “In all honesty, sir, bugs and pests are so varied that no one but a tech would be able to diagnose that.”

    Caller: “Can I talk to a tech then?”

    Me: “They’re out in the field currently, but they truly would need to see the pest and the conditions in order to hel—”

    Caller: “Oh, that just won’t work. I’ll call someone else!” *click*

    Trainer: “Who’s he going to call?! Psychic Pest Control?”

    Wireless, Clueless, And Hopeless, Part 16

    | Croatia | Extra Stupid, Technology

    Me: “Good evening. My name is [My Name]. How can I help you?”

    Customer: *shouting* “Your data USB stick is garbage!”

    (She continues to rant: It doesn’t work! You ripped me off! I’m going to report you!)

    Me: “I’m sorry to hear that; could you tell me what the problem is?”

    Customer: “It doesn’t work! I am a well educated woman and know how to use the computer and your device is trash!”

    (I proceed with a step by step troubleshooting with her, and she continues shouting the whole time, and keeps repeating how she is smart and stuff like that. Meanwhile, every check I ask her to do on her computer fails, and she yells even more. Finally, in all this noise coming from her, I hear something like, ‘stupid device, I’ll throw it off the table!’)

    Me: “Miss, where is your USB stick right now?”

    Customer: “What kind of question is that?! It’s on the table!”

    Me: “Is it inserted in your computers USB port?”

    Customer: “Of course not! You clearly don’t know how to use it! It says wireless on the box!”

    Me: “Miss, do you see any wires coming from the device?”

    Customer: “Um… no.”

    Me: “Do you know what wireless means?”

    Customer: *silence*

    Me: “I’m gonna assume that’s a no, so pick up the device and plug it in your computer!”

    (I heard the computer start to execute installation, as our software plays a melody while installing, and then the line disconnected.)

    Wireless, Clueless, And Hopeless, Part 15
    Wireless, Clueless, And Hopeless, Part 14
    Wireless, Clueless, And Hopeless, Part 13

    Has No Hang Ups About Hanging Up

    | San Antonio, TX, USA | Crazy Requests, Spouses & Partners

    (In our call center, we are not allowed to hang up on customers unless they have been warned at least once, and are either using improper/suggestive language or are calling just to talk about something that is in no way relevant to our company. We are also not allowed to solicit a transfer to a supervisor. I’ve been on this call 30 minutes already:)

    Me: “Sir, I’ve already told you, we are unable to do what you are requesting. You’re typically allowed two options in these situations, and I’m bending the rules by offering you the third option.”

    Caller: “I don’t care. Give me your supervisor. They can give me what I want.”

    (Our ‘supervisors’ are people who have desired and proven their ability to be well versed in policy and have access to a few minor additional programs. I am also one, but it isn’t my assigned day to work as one. I call.)

    Supervisor: “It’s [Supervisor].”

    Me: “Hey, it’s me. Here’s what’s up.” *I explain the situation*

    Supervisor: “Send him through.”

    Caller: “Hi, I was told that if I was transferred to you, you have the ability to do what I want, and that is [nonrefundable service already purchased] refunded and for me to have a free one.”

    Supervisor: “NO, you weren’t. You were—”

    Caller: “Yes, I was and you need to give it to me, because if you don’t, that’s false advertising. You need to give me what I was promised or I—”

    Supervisor: “Sir, I’m talking and will not tolerate interruption. As I was saying, you were given an extra option that my representative bent the rules to offer. I know what you were offered because I’m sitting next to her, and she is the most lenient and patient person we have. I’m her opposite. When you were transferred you lost that option because you didn’t take it when you had the chance. Now you have three options: [standard option a], [standard option b], or hanging up and deciding later. If you don’t decide, I will pick for you.”

    Caller: “But I don’t want—”

    Supervisor: “Okay, I’m deciding for you. I am hanging up. When you decide, call back.”

    (My supervisor knows me so well because we always sit together. At work, in the car, and at home. We were hired at the same time, advanced at the same time, and got married six years ago.)

    Naked And Unafraid

    | Enschede, The Netherlands | Bad Behavior, Rude & Risque, Theme Of The Month

    (We get a lot of ‘dirty’ calls because it is a toll-free number. This one guy is a ‘regular.’)

    Me: “Good morning, this is [Company]. [My Name] speaking.”

    Customer: *heavy breathing* “So… what colour undies are you wearing?”

    Me: “Sir, it’s Monday. On Monday we don’t wear clothes. It’s policy.”

    (I disconnect the call, smiling at the man’s stunned silence. One minute late my coworker gets a call. All I hear is:)

    Coworker: “Oh, naked sir. It’s Monday after all!”

    (He hung up and we had a good laugh about it.)

    Was Dying The First Time

    | Hampton, VA, USA | Bizarre, Pets & Animals, Theme Of The Month

    (I am working in a call center that takes calls for 800 numbers people see on psychic hotline commercials. The deal is we tell you the cost and then give the actual 900 number.)

    Me: “Thank you for calling [Psychic Line].”

    Caller: “Help! I spilled my fish bowl on the bed and my fish is dying! He’s just flopping around! What do I do?”

    Me: “Umm… what?”

    Caller: “My fish is dying! What do I do?”

    Me: “Put him in another bowl?”

    Caller: “Thank you! This will save him!” *laughs* “Sorry, man, just thought you might be able to use a laugh tonight.”

    Me: “Yeah, always appreciate that. Have a good one.”

    (Two calls later:)

    Me: “Thank you for calling [Psychic Line].”

    Caller: “Help! I spilled my fish bowl and my fish is dying!”

    Me: “Dude, it’s me again.”

    Caller: “Oh, hey, isn’t that funny.”

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