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  • This Round He Lost (In Translation), Part 4
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    Inconvenience Saves The Day

    | London, UK |

    Me: “Thank you for calling **** Pay Per View, this is **** speaking. How can I help you?”

    Customer: “Uh, yeah…I, uh, used up all my credit, and I need you to give me some more.”

    Me: “You can purchase credit on our website, or through the automated system on the phone. Would you like assistance with either of those?”

    Customer: *yelling* “NO! WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?! YOU SAYING I’M STUPID?!”

    Me: “Um, no…I was just offering to–”

    Customer: “WELL, NOW I WANT IT FREE! I DEMAND ¬£20 FREE CREDIT!”

    Me: “I can’t just hand out free credit like that, that’s not how it works. If you have a complaint, I can transfer you to that department–”

    Customer: “NO!” *suddenly quiet* “Where is your office located?”

    Me: “We’re in ****.”

    Customer: “RIGHT! I’M GONNA COME DOWN THERE AND F*** YOU UP! I KNOW YOUR NAME, F***HEAD! I’LL F***ING FIND YOU!”

    Me: “…”

    Customer: “Wait, where is ****, exactly?”

    Me: “Um…about an hour out of the city by bus or car.”

    Customer: “What?! Really? That far? Nah…I’ll probably leave it so. Thanks anyway. Bye.” *hangs up*

    Honk Twice For Bird Barrage

    | Winchester, KY, USA |

    (I work at a call center for truck drivers.)

    Me: “Thank you for calling the service center. My name is ***, are you experiencing a breakdown?”

    Trucker: “Yeah, I need a new windshield.”

    Me: “Ok, sir. What happened to your current windshield?”

    Trucker: “A bird went through it.”

    Me: “Alright, a bird hit your windshield and cracked it, correct?”

    Trucker: “No, the bird went THROUGH the windshield. It’s sitting in the passenger seat now and the windshield has a hole in it.”

    Me: “So, what kind of bird is it?”

    Trucker: “… a dead one.”

    The Land Of Surf, Sun And Time Dilation

    | Ohio, USA |

    Me: “Thank you for calling ****, this is ****, how can I help you?”

    Customer: “Yes, I’d like to place an order.”

    Me: “I’d be happy to do that for you, however our ordering system is down. If you’d like to call back in 15 minutes, someone can help you with that.”

    Customer: “OK, so is it 15 minutes Hawaii time, or your time?”

    Me: “No…just 15 minutes…I’m pretty sure that’s the same no matter where you are, ma’am.”

    Customer: “Oh! OK, thanks.”

    Dr. Doolittle’s House Of Style

    | Boise, ID, USA |

    Me: “Thank you for calling **** Cosmetics. My name is ****, how may I help you today?”

    Caller: “Do you test your product on animals?”

    Me: “No, ma’am, we do not.”

    Caller: “Not even on unicorns?”

    Me: “Uhh…no.”

    Caller: “What about mongooses?”

    Me: “No.”

    Caller: “Dogs?”

    Me: “No.”

    Caller: “Then how do you test your products?”

    Me: “I believe they’re tested by using clinical trials.”

    Caller: “So you don’t test your product on animals?”

    Me: “No, we do not.”

    Caller: “That’s great! Bye!” *hangs up*

    No Dollars, No Sense

    | Juarez, Mexico |

    Me: “Thank you for calling **** Bank, may I have your full name please?”

    Customer: “I’m not giving you my full name. I want to speak to a supervisor.”

    Me: “I’m sure I can help you solve your problem, ma’am, just give me your full name so I can look up your information.”

    Customer: “All right, FINE! My name is ****.”

    Me: “Thank you, Ms. ****. What seems to be the problem?”

    Customer: “I was at the store trying to buy baby formula, but I didn’t have any money left on my account. Why is that?”

    Me: “Well, it appears you have made several purchases throughout the day, and you eventually ran out of money.”

    Customer: *yelling* “I KNOW THAT I BOUGHT STUFF EARLIER, BUT WHY DON’T I HAVE ANY MONEY LEFT?!”

    Me: “Well, ma’am, you could go ahead and return what you bought to get your money back and–”

    Customer: *interrupting, baby crying in the background* “HOLD ON, SIR!”

    Background Voice: “Hi, welcome to ****, how can I help you today?”

    (At this point, the customer starts placing a food order while I wait on the line for her to get back to me, and the baby keeps crying.)

    Customer: “Here baby, don’t cry…have some fries.”

    Me: “Ms. ****, are you still there?”

    Customer: “Yes I’m here – have you put my money back in my account
    yet?”

    Me: “I’m afraid I can’t do that. You’ve already spent the money, so your best bet is to go and return some of the things you bought earlier.”

    Customer: “I THOUGHT YOU WERE GONNA DO THAT FOR ME!”

    Me: “I can’t do that; you have to do it personally.”

    Customer: “CAN’T YOU JUST DO IT ON YOUR COMPUTER?!”

    Me: “No ma’am, it’s not physically possible for me to walk into a store with your stuff through my computer.”

    Customer: *yelling louder* “WELL, IF YOU CAN’T USE ALL YOUR TECHNOLOGY TO DO A SIMPLE THING LIKE THAT, I’M GONNA HAVE TO SWITCH BANKS! THANKS FOR NOTHING!” *hangs up*


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