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    Always Right, Even When Making A Nation Of 130 Million Vanish

    | Dallas, TX, USA | Top

    Caller: “I need a provider who can speak Spanish.”

    Coworker: “Okay, we can find one for you.”

    Caller: “Really? What if I wanted a provider who spoke Japanese?”

    Coworker: “No problem, we have those.”

    Caller: “Really? You have providers who speak Japanese?”

    Coworker: “Yes.”

    Caller: “But Japanese don’t exist!”

    Fifi Feels The Sting Of Government Bailouts

    , | Florida, USA |

    Me: “Thank you for calling [bank]. This is ****, how may I help you?”

    Customer: “I just went to the drive-thru at the bank’s **** location, and they were very rude!”

    Me: “I’m so sorry. Please explain what happened.”

    Customer: “I go there every day, and they always give my dog a doggy biscuit. Today they didn’t give him a biscuit!”

    Me: “I’m sorry. What else happened?”

    Customer: “Well…that’s it, but I always have my dog with me and they always give him a treat. They told me they’re not doing that anymore!”

    Me: “It’s not a requirement for the bank branches to give treats to customers’ pets.”

    Customer: “I’m going to close my account if they don’t start giving out treats again!”

    Me: “That is your decision to make. But again, it is not a requirement for a bank branch to give your dog treats.”

    Customer: “This is ridiculous!” *click*

    Used To Be That A Few Cans Tied Together Got You Online

    | Ottawa, Ontario, Canada |

    Caller: “I noticed I have a data block on my phone.”

    Me: “Yes sir, that’s correct.”

    Caller: “Will it stop the Internet?”

    Me: “Yes sir, it blocks all incoming and outgoing kilobytes to the phone. This does include the prevention of Internet usage.”

    Caller: “Kilobytes?”

    Me: “It’s a measurement of data, sir.”

    Caller: “Well, I want to keep my Internet!”

    Me: “Then I’ll be more than happy to remove the blo–”

    Caller: “But I want to keep my block too!”

    Me: “Sir, the data block stops all incoming and outgoing data to your device. Since the Internet is made of data, it’ll get blocked too.”

    Caller: “Since when did the Internet start being made out of data and kilobytes?”

    1-800-KRYPTON

    | San Francisco, CA, USA | Top

    Me: “Dispatch, how may I help you?”

    Caller: “Yes, I have an alarm going off.”

    Me: “Okay, do you happen to have an account number?”

    Caller: “No, I moved into this house five years ago and inherited the alarm system.”

    Me: “Alright, address?”

    Caller: *gives address*

    Me: “Sir, I didn’t receive any notifications. Can you hold for a few minutes while I confirm with our other station?”

    Caller: “I guess…”

    (I call our other station, they tell me they have no record of the alarm.)

    Me: “Sir?”

    Caller: “Yes, yes, what?!”

    Me: “I’m sorry, sir. Is the alarm still going off?”

    Caller: “Yes, can’t you hear? Listen, I am a very important lawyer and I demand you turn this alarm off!”

    Me: “Sir, our alarms reset in ten–”

    Caller: “No, you listen to me, you little s***! I’d better not miss my meetings because you can’t turn off this alarm!”

    (I hear the alarm getting louder and I’m pretty sure he can’t hear me, so…)

    Me: “SON OF JOR-EL! KNEEL BEFORE ZOD!”

    (The alarm in the background shuts off.)

    Caller: “Oh wow! Thank you! Thank you so much!”

    Me: “No problem, sir!”

    Guardian Of The Tubes And Protector Of The Google

    | Columbus, OH, USA | Top

    Me: “Thank you for calling [cable company], how can I–”

    Caller: “Yeah, I’ve heard all that already, sir, so I don’t need any more of your crap, okay?!”

    Me: “Okay sir, what can I do to–”

    Caller: “Look, buddy, my internet is down, and you need to get it up right now or I’m going to get your a** fired!”

    Me: “Sir, I want to get this problem resolved for you just as soon as possible, but you need to–”

    Caller: “I don’t need to do s***! That’s it! I want to speak to your supervisor. No, I want to speak to your supervisor’s supervisor! I WANT TO SPEAK TO THE MAYOR OF THE INTERNET!”


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