They Really Should Call Them Help(less) Lines

| Victoria, BC, Canada | Uncategorized

Me: “Thank you for calling [cell phone service provider]. How can I help you?”

Customer: “My cable TV isn’t working.”

Me: “I’m sorry sir, but we’re a cell phone company.”

Customer: “I know, but I thought that you people would be able to help me with that any way.”

Me: “I’m sorry, but I can only assist you with your cell phone service.”

Customer: “Are you sure?”

Me: “Yes. I’m sorry, but we’re only trained to deal with phones. We don’t know anything at all about cable TV.”

Customer: “Oh, then who should I call?”

Me: “Do you have your cable bill with you?”

Customer: “Yes.”

Me: “Is there a 1-800 number on it?”

Customer: “Yes.”

Me: “You need to call that number.”

Customer: “Oh. Thank you!”

No Fortitude For Longitude, Part 2

| Boston, MA, USA | Uncategorized

Customer: “Hi, you guys were supposed to send me an email, and I haven’t gotten it yet.”

Me: “Okay, I see we sent that email at 3:05 p.m. Eastern Standard Time. Can you confirm your email address is [email address]?”

Customer: “Yes, that’s it. What time did you send it?”

Me: “3:05 p.m. Eastern Time.”

Customer: “Oh, okay that’s why. I’m in Central Time, so it’ll take an hour to get here. Thanks!”

Related:
No Fortitude For Longitude
No Aptitude For Latitude

A Good Chance Of A Falling Out

| Ireland | Uncategorized

(I get call from the United States.)

Me: “Welcome! My name is Grace, how can I help you?”

Caller: “What’s your name?”

Me: “Grace.”

Caller: “Krays? Is that Irish? It sounds lovely.”

Me: “No, it’s Grace.”

Caller: “Oh Rain. Sorry, hun! Anyway this might sound a little silly. Well let me just explain a bit. You see, in the states, we got this thing, right? The trees, the leaves they go all brown and then they fall right off them trees!”

Me: “Ok.”

Caller: “It gets cooler in the night, right? And the trees, well it’s just beautiful. We call it ‘Fall’.”

Me: “Ok. So you want to come in the fall?”

Caller: “Oh no, honey, I want to know if you guys get something similar, like what we call the fall? With the leaves, they fall right on the ground and people are sweepin ‘em up!”

Me: “Yeah we have that here too, except we call it Autumn.”

Caller: “You do? Oh isn’t that wonderful. So when should I travel if I want to see an Irish ‘On-Tom’?”

Me: “What time of year does your ‘fall’ happen?”

Caller: “Well it’s like September, October maybe?”

Me: “Right, well it’s the same here. You just plan for the American fall and you’ll get an Irish Autumn.”

(Customer nearly goes out of her mind with happiness and excitement. Before hanging up and wishing me a happy ‘Om-Ton’ she snuck in a quick cheeky ‘Top of the mornin!’.)

Wireless, Clueless, Hopeless, Part 5

| United Kingdom | Uncategorized

Me: “Thank you for calling [service provider]. How may I help you today?”

Customer: “Well, I bought one of these mobile phones, only I don’t find it very ‘mobile’.”

Me: “I’m not really sure I understand the nature of your problem. Are you not receiving a good signal strength?”

Customer: “I’m able to call people. It’s just that I had a corded phone before, and this one is no better. I can’t get any further away from the wall.”

Me: “Do you have the handset attached to the charger cable?

Customer: “Yeah, the booklet said to plug it in before I can use it. This is crazy! I spent all this money and it’s still got 3 feet of cable!”

Me: “Ma’am, once the phone has had the initial charge of around 12 hours, you can detach the cable and take it with you where ever you like.”

Customer: “Oh! Asking my son would have been much less embarrassing. Thanks!”

Related:
Wireless, Clueless & Hopeless, Part 4
Wireless, Clueless & Hopeless, Part 3
Wireless, Clueless & Hopeless, Part 2
Wireless, Clueless & Hopeless

It Depends On The Size Of Your Tubes

| Portsmouth, UK | Uncategorized

Me: “Hi, how can I help?”

Call Center: “I want a new computer. My current one is Windows 95.”

Me: “Well, the current version is Windows 7.”

Call Center: “What about the modem? If I buy a new hard drive, would it make my computer have internet?”

Me: “You would need to add a modem if you wanted to just plug the phone line into the computer. Most internet providers supply you with an external modem as part of their service.”

Call Center: “Well, I have a external hard drive. Could I plug the internet into that?

Me: “It doesn’t work that way. You need a computer to connect to the internet.”

Call Center: “Can’t I just download the internet onto my external hard drive?”

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