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    Can’t See The Forest For The Airborne Trees

    , | Nashville, TN, USA | Top

    Me: “Thank you for calling [TV Company], how may I help you?”

    Customer: “Yes, my TV is broken.”

    Me: “I’ll be glad to help you today. What is wrong with your TV?”

    Customer: “The picture keeps flashing on and off.”

    Me: “Okay, ma’am. Can I have you check the connections on the back of your TV to make sure everything is screwed in tightly?”

    Customer: “Well, the lights in my house are flashing on and off too. We’re in a tornado warning. Do you think that has something to do with it?”

    They Call Me Doctor DIY

    , , | New Jersey, USA |

    (We sell dental surgical products and sometimes have to give instructions on their usage. A doctor calls in from the operating room and has me on speakerphone while they’re operating on a patient, who may or may not be under anesthesia.)

    Doctor: “The screw is not going in. Which way do I turn it?”

    Me: “Clockwise.”

    Doctor: “Clockwise from above or below?”

    Me: “If you are looking at the head of the screw, then clockwise…to the right.”

    Doctor: “What do you mean to the right? Move the wrench to the right?”

    Me: “As the screw turns, and you are looking at the head, the top part will go to the right.”

    Doctor: “Okay, I think i got it.”

    Me: “Good. Righty tighty, lefty loosey.”

    Doctor: “What was that?”

    Me: “Uh, righty tighty, lefty loosey? That’s one way to remember. You go to the right to tighten, and the left to loosen.”

    Doctor: “Oh, I see. Righty tighty, lefty loosey!” *noise of wrench turning* “Righty tighty, lefty loosey. It’s working!”

    Me: “Great. All finished?”

    (The doctor suddenly speaks up much louder than before. It’s clear they’re not talking to me.)

    Doctor: “You’re all done then!”

    Patient: *in the distance* “Uh, thank you doctor.”

    No Ifs, Ends, Or Butts

    , | Kansas City, MO, USA |

    Me: “Thank you for calling [insurance company]. How may I help you?”

    Customer: “Yes. I need to know if my insurance covers a butt indent.”

    Me: “I’m sorry…could you say that again?”

    Customer: “I need to know if my car insurance covers a butt indent. There’s one on the hood of my car. What is that covered under and how much is my deductible?”

    Me: “Um…do you know how it got there?”

    Customer: “No. It looks like a small butt, though.”

    Me: “Well, I can’t tell you what it would be covered under until I know how it got there. Do you know if it was the result of a collision or not?”

    Customer: “What?”

    Me: “You have two different deductibles for your comprehensive coverage and your collision coverage. Do you know how the…butt ended up there? ”

    Customer: “No, but it’s a small butt on the hood of my car!”

    Me: “Well, your comprehensive deductible is $250 and your collision is $500. Would you like me to submit a claim and let the claim adjuster handle it from here?”

    Customer: “Oh no! I don’t want to make a claim. I was just wondering if it would be covered if I wanted to file one. Thanks!” *hangs up*

    Identity Bereft

    | McAllen, TX, USA |

    Caller: “What is your name?”

    Me: “Jennifer.”

    Caller: “Jonathan?”

    Me: “Jennifer.”

    Caller: “Jonathan?”

    Me: “JENNIFER.”

    Caller: “Jonathan?”

    Me: *giving up* “Yes, Jonathan.”

    Caller: “But that’s a boys name!”

    Me: “Yes, yes it is…”

    Bananas About The Boob Tube

    | Northampton, UK |

    (I work in the home insurance department for a large insurer. We offer standard Buildings and Contents with an optional add-on of Home Emergency. This is for burst pipes, boilers going down, etc.)

    Me: “Good afternoon, you’re through to [name]. How can I help you today?”

    Customer: “I’ve just bought a new TV. Is it covered under my Contents insurance?”

    Me: “Yes, it will be covered under Contents.”

    Customer: “And is it covered under Home Emergency?”

    Me: “Sorry, how do you mean?”

    Customer: *sighs* “I MEAN, how long will it take for you to get a replacement television out to me if this one stops working?”

    Me: “Um…unfortunately your television is not covered under Home Emergency.”

    Customer: “Why not?!”

    Me: “We don’t class a broken television as an emergency.”

    Customer: “Well I do, and I know I’m right! What do I do if my television breaks and I can’t watch my programmes? GOD D*** PHONE MONKEYS!” *hangs up*

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