I receive a call from a customer who is having trouble getting his car security system online. He describes an error code I have never heard of.

Me: “Give me about ten minutes to do some research and ask some ‘veteran’ tech coworkers that are known to make miracles happen. I’ll call you back.”

Right around the time I hang up, I look up to notice the department manager motioning me to come with her, as we need to discuss an unrelated pressing issue in her office.

About twenty minutes later after everything is sorted out, I return to my terminal to notice several messages from coworkers who are advising me about a customer calling them repeatedly and screaming that I had flat-out lied to him and said I would call him back but never did. Checking the profile of the customer I had spoken to earlier, I discover that it is indeed him, starting his tirade of phone calls exactly twelve minutes after our conversation had ended.

I receive an instant message from someone in the Spanish language department.

Coworker: “I have an English-speaking customer on the line and I’d like to transfer them to you.”

After I accept the call, the customer goes on a two-minute tirade.

Customer: “It was extremely rude of that other agent to transfer me to someone else!”

Probably because the agents on the Spanish line don’t speak English, idiot!

Customer: “This is the worst customer service I have ever experienced, and I am going to complain personally to the board of directors!”

The moron actually did perform some online sleuthing and somehow was able to find the email address for the company CEO, writing him a rambling email — which was intercepted by his assistant and simply directed to our department manager — and threatening to return his vehicle for a full refund if I was not fired by the end of the week for “blatantly lying to customers.” He further stated that he wanted a copy of my termination letter as proof. 

The manager simply forwarded me the email with a note saying, “Thought you could use a good chuckle.”

Me: “Thank you for calling [Company]. My name is [My Name]; how may I help you?”

Caller: “I placed an order online and there was a service added to my account that I didn’t order. What the f*** did you do?”

Me: “I’m so sorry for this mistake. I see you haven’t been charged yet, so I’d be more than happy to remove said service for you.”

Caller: “And I’d be more than happy to keep it!”

I’m confused because she seemed irritated it was on there.

Me: “Okay, I can leave it on there if you’d like, but you will be charged for it.”

Caller: “Why would I have to pay for something you f***** up?”

I’d like to reiterate that she placed this order online, and therefore, the only live person who had anything to do with her order was her. I double-check our website order entry; there’s no way to accidentally order this kind of service.

Me: “Because you would be receiving the service, ma’am.”

Caller: “Right, but I didn’t order it. You put it on there. Why should I have to pay?”

Me: “As I said, I apologize that there was a mistake while you placed an online order, but I cannot leave the service on your account unless you are paying for it.”

We go back and forth like this for about ten minutes or so, so if you want a more realistic version of the call, reread every part up to this a couple of times.

Caller: “Then just cancel my f****** order.”

Me: “I can definitely do that. One moment.”

Caller: “YOU AREN’T EVEN GOING TO TRY TO RETAIN MY BUSINESS?!”

Me: “As I’ve stated previously, I can remove the service and you won’t be charged, or I can leave it and you will be; there is no middle ground there. If you would like to cancel instead of one of those options, I can also do that.”

Caller: “Just f****** do it, then.”

She hung up on me, so I cancelled the order and noted the account well. I checked her account today, and guess who tried to pull the same crap with another representative not even two hours later?

Caller: “Why is your company taking money out of my account every month?”

Me: “So, you don’t have a policy with us, but you are being charged every month. And you’d like the charges to stop?”

Caller: “That’s right! I don’t have a policy with you, so stop charging me!” *Pauses* “At least, I don’t think I have a policy with you. If I do have a policy with you, and you’re charging me, then that’s fine. But if I don’t have a policy and you’re charging me, well, I’m just not okay with that!”

One of our callers is pissed, probably for no real reason; that’s usually the case. He calls on and off for weeks. Usually, it’s a string of expletives spoken out entirely devoid of emotion. We just hang up, as he won’t let us get a word in edgeways. He doesn’t get the message, but apparently, we’re powerless to do anything to block him as it’s a withheld number.

Occasionally, he starts instead saying he’s going to bomb the building. Police say they can’t do much as we don’t know who he is.

One of my colleagues who has more patience and is better able to project an attitude of empathy gets his call. She talks to him, asks what she can do to help, and asks for his reference number. He gives it. Instantly, she has his name and address. She hangs up and calls the police!

The guy ends up getting arrested, tried, and convicted.

Caller: “I need to pay for the order I placed yesterday.”

Me: “Certainly. How did you want to pay for that?”

Caller: “With my credit card. Hold on, let me get it.”

This, unfortunately, is not unusual; people call all the time specifically to pay for something, and then have to get their card from the safe, another room, their car out in the parking lot, after they’re done going through the drive-thru, etc. It’s annoying, mainly because it drives up our call times, which then comes up in performance reviews, even though we can’t control how unprepared a caller is going to be.

After a minute or two of shuffling…

Caller: “I found it. Let me see… Gosh, the numbers are small.”

Me: “Take your time.”

Caller: “It’s a [Brand]. I think the first number is a 7?”

It can’t be; the first digits for the major consumer credit card are 3, 4, 5, and 6.

Me: “Mmm, I’m not sure that’s correct. Can you try again?”

Caller: “Let me put it under my magnifier.” *More shuffling* “That’s better, I think.” *Rattles off eight numbers* “Oh, shoot, I just can’t read the last ones.”

Me: “Well, have you maybe used it with us before? I can try to find your last order.”

Caller: “No, I’ve never placed an order with you before. Gosh, there’s a glare, and these numbers are so small… and my bigger magnifier needs batteries… Let me turn on the rest of my lights.”

A couple of minutes pass.

Caller: “Well, that’s maybe a five… Nope, still can’t see the rest.”

Me: “Is there maybe anyone else nearby who can help you read those last numbers?”

Caller: “No, it’s just me for the moment.”

Silence.

Caller: “So, are we good?”

Me: *Dumbfounded* “I’m sorry, but I need the last four digits and the expiration date to process payment.”

Caller: “Oh. Well.”

He reads off the first eight numbers again, with a few of the digits different.

Caller: “I really wish I could read these last four digits!”

Me: “I’m really sorry, but I think maybe you’ll just have to call us back when someone can help you read the number or when you have another payment method you can read in full.”

It still took several more minutes to convince him the first eight digits just weren’t good enough. Honestly, I’m sympathetic, but I have to wonder, what was his plan?