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    Needs A System That’s The Cat’s Meow

    | USA | Bizarre, Musical Mayhem, Pets & Animals, Technology, Theme Of The Month

    (I work for a company that sells audio equipment.)

    Me: “Thank you for calling [Company]. My name is [My Name]. May I help you with an order? ”

    Customer: “I need your system!”

    Me: “Well, we have a lot of great items in our product line, but you’ll have to be more specific. What system are you looking at today?”

    Customer: “The CD player! I had one but it broke and I need yours to play my special CDs!”

    Me: “I’m sorry; I don’t understand. What kind of special CDs do you want it to play?”

    Customer: “The ones I got for my cat. It’s special music to help felines relax.”

    Me: “So they’re regular CDs for your cat. Okay, I can help with that.”

    Customer: “I alternate back and forth, one CD of his music, then one of mine. It has to play both.”

    Me: “I can assure you that on the [Model Name] you’ll both be able to enjoy your favorite songs together.”

    Customer: “Oh, no. No, we can’t do that. He’s in kitty heaven now, but will it play his CDs?”

    Grand Theft Innocence, Part 9

    | Cardiff, Wales, UK | Criminal/Illegal, Technology, Underaged

    (It’s the weekend after the release of ‘Grand Theft Auto V,’ and demand for it is high. It’s my first call of the day, and quickly I realise it’s an under-18 boy trying to place an order.)

    Me: “Good Evening. [Company]. [My Name] speaking. How can I help?”

    Underage Customer: *squeaking* “Hi there. I’m wondering if it’s possible to order Grand Theft Auto V, please.”

    Me: *smiling* “Absolutely. However, I’m required to warn you that an adult over the age of 18 must be present to sign for the delivery of the item, and that adult will be told exactly what’s being delivered before they sign for it. Is that okay?”

    Underage Customer: *still squeaking* “F****** d***! F***!” *click*

    Related:
    Grand Theft Innocence, Part 8
    Grand Theft Innocence, Part 7
    Grand Theft Innocence, Part 6
    Grand Theft Innocence, Part 5
    Grand Theft Innocence, Part 4
    Grand Theft Innocence, Part 3
    Grand Theft Innocence, Part 2
    Grand Theft Innocence

    Queen Of Hearts On Line Two

    | MT, USA | Bizarre, Technology

    (I’m doing troubleshooting with a customer, mostly to see if I can figure out what’s wrong with her washer. She’s just unplugged it for one minute and plugged it back in.)

    Me: “Okay, let’s try to get it to fill up with water, and then manually switch it to a point in the cycle where it drains.”

    Caller: “Okay! I’ll do a speed wash, then you can call me back in 20 minutes when it’s done!”

    Me: “Great idea!”

    (I hear beeping in the background, and I’m assuming this is the machine beginning the cycle.)

    Caller: “Oh, no! I think we broke it more!”

    Me: *panicking* “Oh, no! What’s it doing?”

    Caller: “Now the water isn’t even filling up! All the hoses are connected and everything!”

    Me: “Oh, no! Well, I’ll go ahead and set up you for service then.”

    Caller: “You were supposed to fix it, not make it worse! OFF WITH YOUR HEAD!”

    (The caller yells the last bit, and I jump so badly I fall out of my chair and knock my headset off. When I pick it back up, I hear her laughing.)

    Caller: “Oh, my goodness. I am so sorry I scared you! I was only fooling!”

    Me: “That’s okay. I’m awake now.”

    South Of The Border Of Unreason

    | Tijuana, Mexico | Crazy Requests, Theme Of The Month

    (I work at a company that works on providing phone-based tech support to other US-based telephone companies.)

    Me: “Thank you for calling [Provider]. My name is [My Name]. How can I help you today?”

    Caller: “Oh, hello. My name is [Name]. I have a box from [Provider] that I want removed from my lawn. It’s been sitting there for two days.”

    Me: “Well, sir, you should have picked it up, since once the equipment arrives to your home it becomes your responsibility, and you must ship it back.”

    Caller: “You don’t understand. I want you to send somebody from [Provider] to pick up that box for me.”

    Me: “Sir, I can send you over someone to pick it up, but that’s going to cost you $75 USD.”

    Caller: “No. I want it picked up for free. I don’t want that box.”

    Me: “Then you must pick it up yourself and send it back to [Provider] via UPS or postal service, or drop it off with a sales representative at a [Provider] store.”

    Caller: “I don’t want to do it. I want you to pick it up for me and take it away. For free. Don’t you understand? Am I calling to India or something like that?”

    Me: “You are speaking to Tijuana, Mexico, and I do understand you, sir. However, we cannot send anyone to pick up the box, since it’s your responsibility to do so.”

    Caller: “You must speak Spanish. Bring someone over to the phone who can understand English.”

    Me: “I do understand you, sir. But that doesn’t change that you must still bring that box yourself or you will be charged for not returning the equipment.”

    Caller: “No, you are speaking Spanish. Bring me someone who can speak English.”

    Me: “Sir, we’re speaking in English.”

    Caller: “I doubt it.”

    Me: “Well, believe it. We’re speaking in English.”

    Caller: “I refuse to speak with you. Bring me someone who can speak English. Bring me your f****** supervisor.”

    (My supervisor in this moment was away on a meeting, and the only supervisor available that day was already taking a call.)

    Me: “Sir, my supervisor will tell you the same.”

    Caller: “Then f****** bring me your supervisor’s boss.”

    Me: “Even if I take it to God himself, he’ll still tell you that you must grab that box and ship it back via postal service. And this is your first warning, sir. If you keep talking that way, I will be forced to terminate this call.”

    Caller: “Bring me your f****** supervisor. I refuse to speak with you, f****** wetback.”

    (Our company has a policy of reserving the right to withdraw from this kind of calls if the customer comes up with these kinds of tantrums.)

    Me: “Thank you for calling [Provider tech support]. We apologize that your problem will go unresolved. Do not bother calling back. Have a nice day.” *click*

    (When I later check the records, I found out that this customer had already called four times for the same reason!)

    Actually Wore Her Name Out

    | Battle Creek, MI, USA | Extra Stupid, Funny Names

    Me: “Thank you for calling [Company]. How may I help you?”

    Caller: “Before I tell you anything, I want to know your name. I’m not about to be taken advantage of. I’m old.”

    Me: “That’s no problem, ma’am. My name is Chelsea. ”

    Caller: “What did you say? Carly?”

    Me: “No, ma’am, Chelsea.”

    Caller: “Casey?”

    Me: “Chelsea, with a “C.H.”"

    Caller: “Patchy?”

    Me: “… Yes.”

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